Performance Anxiety: A Decidedly Not-For-All-Ages Tale

Performance Anxiety: A Parodyverse Sex Comedy

“I’m sure I’ll think of something. Really.” Visionary assured himself under his breath as they all assembled before the steps leading up to the Mansion. “Any minute now, it’s all going to come to me in a flash.”

“You didn’t ask anyone, or even tell Miiri you wanted out? Give it up man” Fleabot responded quietly. “You’re thoroughly screwed… or about to be.”

“All set!” Sarah Shepherdson declared happily, hopping out of a cab with her sister in tow. “I called Ma and gave her the news… she’ll be waiting by the phone. She says she can’t wait to hear that she’s finally a grandmother...”

“Which is so not what she told me repeatedly since puberty” Kerry added. “I swear, barely in the family and already getting special treatment.”

“Mumphrey assures us that everything is under control and we are not to worry” Asil informed them, coming down the steps with her own small bag. She smiled at Visionary and squeezed his hand. “He wanted me to tell you “Good show” by the way.”

“I bet it will be” Fleabot smirked. “Wait until he sees the video”

“I’m quite sure he meant about the Great Man becoming a father” Asil growled. “I… did not include what Odoona suggested on the steps of the courthouse.”

“Indeed… why spoil the big surprise of the 6 o’clock news?”

“Yes… nobody’s seen what she said yet. There’s still time. Any minute now…” Visionary continued murmuring, staring straight ahead. “I’ll think of something. No problem…”

Ebony, Odoona and Meggan Foxxx decended the stairs to joing them out front. “Okay, are we ready to get this show on the road?” the busty PR lady asked with a grin.

“No luggage, Meg?” Sarah asked curiously. “I hear we might be there all weekend.”

“I’ve packed my smile” the porn star assured her. “I’ve got all the outfits I’ll need.”

Hallie blinked into sight beaming happily. “I just heard the news!” she declared, hugging Visionary. “You must be so excited! I…” She paused as she took in the whole group. “Wait… what’s going on? And why is Odoona wearing your coat?”

“Is everyone here then?” Ebony asked, her hand going to the pendant around her neck.

Visionary sighed heavily. “Er… I have something I have to admit” he began, having failed utterly to come up with something. “It’s about the Mera’h… I haven’t exactly…”

”Yes…” Odoona noted with concern. “Where are the Ladies Dancer and Lisa? Were they not to be sharing in the ceremonial honors of welcoming your child into the universe?”

“Um… Oh. Yes, well…” Sarah offered awkwardly. “Dancer will be catching up… er, somehow. Apparently, someone forgot to tell her she was supposed to be coming at all.”

“Um… it’s not like that…” Visionary began.

“And the Lady Doody-hea… ah, Lisa went off with the Federal Officers that arrested Al for treason” Asil supplied. “We don’t know when she’ll be able to make it back.”

“So it looks like the whole Mera’h may in fact be a bust.” Fleabot surmised. “Er… no reference to Meg with that remark. What do you think, Vizh… should we call it off?”

“What?” Visionary asked, clueless until he realized that the something he was supposed to have thought up had come to smack him upside the head. “Oh! Oh… yes! We can’t do this half-assed, now can we?”

“Certainly better that your child know you’re a whole ass right from the start” Fleabot agreed.

Odoona fretted inside of Visionary’s coat. “No… no, we must not cancel the Mera’h! Surely you have alternates to draw upon from your guest list…” she pleaded.

“Wait… what’s going on?” Hallie asked, unable to keep a little of the hurt out of her voice. “You were all going to celebrate the birth of Visionary’s child...? Everybody but me?”

Visionary swallowed hard. “I didn’t… it’s not that I… There’s no one in the world I’d rather…”

“But… our sister Miiri assured us you would be a most honored member of the respected Mera’h” Odoona answered in confusion. “Surely you were asked.”

“I just… this isn’t how I wanted to…” Vizh stammered, stricken.

“Er… yeah, that’s my fault” Fleabot spoke up. “I was in charge of extending the invites as Visionary’s, er… vassal or something. I don’t know how you missed yours. I put somebody else’s name on the e-mail so you’d be sure to read it.”

Hallie glared at the little robot. “Well… it’s kind of short notice…” she observed, still a bit ruffled. “But I suppose I can set the Mansion on autopilot for a bit. Let me just grab some Holographic Emitter Drones to get me through the trip…” A happy little smile caught on her lips before she blinked out of site.

“Of course, we’re still short a body… so to speak” Fleabot noted casually. “So unless we can come up with another option…”

Odoona looked over Sarah, Kerry, and Asil beseechingly. “Surely one of you could…”

“Ah… trust me kiddo” Meg interceded. “I don’t think Vizh here’s ready to go down that road.” She looked to Sarah with a raised eyebrow. “The Dancer bit is surprising enough.”

“I’m presiding over Miiri’s birthing ceremony” Ebony stated.

“We already knew that” Meg replied.

“I just thought it bore repeating in this situation. Often.”

“What about the Lady Yo?” the Caphan slavegirl asked.

“In space” Visionary answered.

“Noble warrior woman Chiaki?”

“Jail, according to the gossip rags” Fleabot noted.

“The Lady Urthula?”

“Um… dead, I’m afraid” Visionary answered truthfully.

“Yeah, but she’s been that way since… OW!” Kerry exclaimed as the Regular stomped on her foot.

“I think we have to face facts…” Visionary said with a mock sigh. “The odds of another member showing up out of the blue this late are…”

He was interrupted as a car door slammed behind them, revealing a waifish, pale woman with pitch-black hair exiting a cab. “I’m here! I’m the last member of the Mera’h! Sorry I’m late” the woman called in a dry voice, looking all around her nervously. “I really think we should get going though…”

The possibly fake man turned to glare at his two new sisters, who exchanged glances and then shrugged sympathetically.

“Hey, who’s the new girl?” Hallie asked, reappearing.

Visionary turned back to the woman in complete bafflement. “I have absolutely no…”

“Tiffany?!” Fleabot gasped, recognizing her.

“Who?” Hallie repeated.

“I’m an old friend… made it just in time” the woman gasped, joining them. “So let’s all just go and do the introductions when we get there. Please.”

“What? Now, wait just a…” Visionary began.

“She’s the last one” Fleabot agreed in a tight voice, cutting him off. “I don’t know how I could have forgotten she was coming. And she’s right… we need to go. Wouldn’t do to show up after Miiri has already popped out your bouncing baby offspring. You have to start setting a good example… You’re about to become a father, after all.”

That realization of the reason for this trip chased away all other thoughts from the Legionnaire’s head. “I’m… going to be a father” he told himself, hardly believing it. “Me.”

“Everybody ready then?” Ebony asked as the mass of the Shoggoth emerged from her pendant to envelope them.

Visionary had no idea how to answer that question.

Miiri opened her eyes from her meditation session to be greeted with the sight of a man with a slightly disheveled widow’s peak and wide, dark eyes peering back at her intently. “Are you okay?” he asked quickly. “Is everything alright? Can I get you anything? Another pillow?”

The pregnant Caphan smiled wearily. “Visionary… I see you’ve finally made it.”

“Sorry sister…” Ohanna apologized wryly. “He insisted on coming straight here to see you, despite breaking with tradition.” She reached up to her hair and removed an ornate clip which she presented to the reclining woman. “You win.”

“Hardly fair of me” Miiri noted, although she accepted the payment of the wager anyway. She stretched her body out on the immense pile of pillows in which she was situated and reached out a hand to touch the Regular’s cheek. “I’m glad you came” she smiled, taking his hand to her abdomen. “I will make you proud” she promised. “May the joining of our lines be blessed by the love that surrounds us all.”

His eyes somehow managed to grow even wider as he felt the child moving within her. “I’m going to be a father…” he spoke again in a daze. She found the goofy grin on his face to be especially appealing.

“My ladies Sarah, Kerry, Asil…” Miiri’s sister greeted the women as they filed into the back of the tent. “We’re honored by your presence.”

“Are you kidding?” Sarah replied. “Wild horses couldn’t keep us away.”

Miiri clenched her teeth as another contraction spasm hit her, causing her to squeeze Visionary’s hand with all of her strength.”

”Gah!” the man exclaimed, alarmed. “What is it, what’s wrong?!”

“It’s called ‘giving birth’, Vizh” Sarah noted dryly, coming forward to take Miiri’s other hand as she reached out. “It traditionally follows a pregnancy.”

“What should we do?” he asked worriedly. “Are we doing it? Is somebody boiling something? Isn’t that right? And getting some newspapers? Isn’t there something about a dead rabbit with pregnancies? Are we supposed to be boiling a rabbit?”

“Woah…” Kerry noted. “From zero to “Fatal Attraction” in five seconds.”

Miiri grunted as the pain subsided, allowing her to return to her meditative breathing techniques. “Should not Master Visionary be getting prepared for his Mera’h rituals about now?” she suggested breathlessly.

“Yes, let’s get you over to Deeela…” Ohanna agreed, leading Visionary over to the tent flap and waving to Luuma, who was waiting outside. “Wouldn’t do to lose face on this most important day of ritual for you.”

“What? Oh… no, I suppose not. But... Are you sure she’ll be okay?” He asked, with another worried glance over his shoulder.

“We’ll take good care of her, Vizh… Promise” Sarah assured him. “Go and make Miiri proud with whatever it is Deeela says. And I promise not to tell Yo about the bunny suggestion.”

“Oh… Good” he noted distractedly, bumping his head on the crossbeam above the door as Luuma pulled him outside. He didn’t even seem to notice. “Okay… if you’re sure it will help. I’ll make her proud. Yo too. I’m going to be a father, Luuma... Really. You’ll let me know if I’m needed back here?” he called out as he was led away.

Miiri continued her breathing even as she rolled her eyes. “And that, sisters, is the real reason for the Mera’h.”

“A whole ritual just to keep neurotic fathers out of your hair?” Sarah asked, impressed. “I think maybe you gals have more control on Caph than you let on.”

“A waste of time” Kerry argued. “You could just have easily distracted him with a couple of shiny objects.”

“Oh, I saw Odoona…” Asil noted carefully, referring to the oiled slavegirl, “…And they were definitely shiny.”

“I’m expected to do what? Hallie’s voice rang out shrilly from the encampment set up for the ceremonial Mera’h ritual. It was a sound that quickly chased all the happy befuddlement from Visionary’s mind, as the realization of what lay before him came crashing back. He hoped that the lavish tents that the Caphans had set up for the party’s comfort didn’t contain too many easily throwable objects as he winced and ducked his head inside.

“Oh, look… here’s Vizh now...” Fleabot’s voice came out muffled from within the confines of Hallie’s clenched fist, which she was holding mere inches from her blazing eyes. “Maybe… urk! …he can explain things a little better.”

The holographic woman turned on the Regular just inside the door. “You! she growled.

“Eeep” Visionary noted. “Ah… did I come at a bad time?”

“Odoona was kind enough to drop off my costume for your little… get together” Hallie informed him coldly. “It comes in a jar. Considerately, she gave me my choice of either liquid or jelly form.”

Visionary tried desperately to keep his mind from wandering for his own safety. “Well, um…” he offered by way of explanation instead.

“What’s more, I’m to report to the Caphan’s tent, where Deeela, Luuma, Losiira and she will anoint me with said lotions when it’s my scheduled honor to be taken to your bed and offer my body for your pleasure.”

“Ah... er, about that…”

“Apparently, I’m to be fairly early in the boinking rotation. It seems as though my likely skills in the sexual arts are somewhat suspect, as when Odoona helpfully cornered and questioned Epitome about my prowess before we left, he grew guarded and informed her that he couldn’t even remember our sexual unions.”

“Ooo” Visionary winced.

“Yes, I’m renown as such a bad lay that I must be slotted in while you’re still horny enough to do me without relying on any aptitude on my part to get you to rise to the occasion.”

“I…”

“So tell me, Visionary, in these last few moments before you die…” she hissed in cold indignity, “Whatever possessed you to bring such a cataclysmically painful doom down upon that pinhead of yours when you had a baby on the way?!”

“I… I…” he stammered, really wishing her eyes would stop glowing enough to see her pupils. “I… really didn’t want to ask you here in the first place.”

Turns out that was not the right direction to go.

“Gah!” Fleabot called out. “Crushing… me… can’t… breathe…”

The holographic woman clenched her teeth and looked straight up, taking multiple cleansing breaths of her own before finally opening her fists with a frustrated sigh. “You don’t even breathe” she growled resentfully.

“What did you want me to say? Hull integrity failing? Warp core breach eminent?” the tiny robot said, dusting himself off. He glanced back and forth between the sentient computer and the worried Regular and then made a break for the tent flap. “Well, um… I think I’ll leave you two alone for a bit. Wouldn’t want to hold up the foreplay or anything…”

She ignored the flea and shot Visionary a pained glare, this time with pupils. “I think you have some explaining to do.”

“Vizh is supposed to do what?” Sarah asked incredulously.

“I told you all he was a deviant” Kerry argued.

Asil elbowed her in the ribs. “Visionary is not a deviant” she argued. “He is just following Caphan custom.”

Sarah was still working through the news. “I mean, I’ve heard a lot of justifications from guys over the years… Like when Stuart Blakeslee told me that if the tension wasn’t relieved in time there was a danger that it would break right off his body. Or that nasty snake-bite that Clint O’Malley received that camping trip that caused him to swell up so much it might have killed him if someone didn’t manage to get out all the poison. Or that only a fertility rite can summon the god that resides on the island and keep us from ending up a bloody sacrifice… But “upholding the honor of his unborn child through a marathon display of cocksmanship” is pretty much a new one.”

“Must only work on the really easy and gullible then” Kerry noted. “Like the kind that would sleep with her own brother.”

“He wasn’t our brother! He was just some cute boy that you dragged to my apartment while I was a hormonal teenager… and then left him to ply me with his wicked wiles in the park.”

“Ew… I don’t want to know about his wiles or any other part of his anatomy.”

“Then why did Samantha say you peeked when you had him unconscious in his underwear?” Asil asked mildly.

“I did no such… That’s not what… Ugh!” Kerry exclaimed, then muttered “Sam better well know how to make asbestos britches by the time we get back.” She crossed her arms defiantly. “Okay, so maybe if you didn’t know who he was it was only extremely disturbing that you jumped him, rather than completely horrifically disturbing.”

“What I don’t understand is that Lisa told me that Dancer had claimed to, er… “jump” Visionary in the park when they were teenagers…” Asil noted. “Not Sarah.”

“Well, there’s really only one explanation, isn’t there?” Kerry grinned.

“Er… yes… and it’s that…” Sarah scrambled.

“Sarah and Dancer pleasured Visionary together.” Ohanna surmised.

“Oh” Asil replied, flushing. “My.”

“Told you they were deviants” Kerry smirked. “But then, at least Dancer will have some experience with this kind of thing when her turn comes up… wouldn’t you say, sis?”

“Gah!” Sarah noted as the thought crossed her mind. “Um… Could you tell Miiri to excuse me a moment, Ohanna? I think I need to go straighten something out before Vizh becomes too… busy.”

“Tiffy?” Fleabot called hesitantly from outside the mysterious woman’s tent flap. “Is that really you?”

“Where the hell have you been?” the woman answered in an urgent whisper. “Get in here!”

“Sorry…” the miniature robot replied, obeying orders. “I had trouble getting away from Hallie… and believe me, I was really trying to get awa… Urk!” He gaped at the woman before him.

Tiffany Ann Grandpierre remained much as he remembered her… with shining black hair against shockingly pale skin, wrapped around a petite and fragile, yet healthy young body. Of course, he had never seen quite so much of her body as he did now, with her standing before him completely nude, oiled from head to toe and adorned with jewelry. No, he hadn’t seen nearly this much of her… even when they had had sex.

“Quoth?! What are you…”

“Shhhhh! Don’t use my real name… not even here!” hushed the young woman. “I needed a form to hide in, and this is the only shape that came to mind.” The disguised Raven of Destiny sat on a pillow and put her head in her hands. “I didn’t know where else to go… I didn’t know if I could risk contacting any of you at first, but then I saw that Caphan approach Visionary on the steps of the courthouse, and I knew if I could get myself to the Shoggoth’s conceptual recreation of Lemuria then I’d have a chance to speak safely… but I’d rather not risk any more than I have to… The Parody Master has spies in the most damnable of places.”

“Ah… er… what?” Fleabot responded, forcing his mind to break out of the constant replay her image had tripped in his mind. Images of the inside of a car in the pouring rain, and of gentle, exploring kisses… and more urgent explorations elsewhere… “Dammit…” he said, shaking out of the playback loop again. “What’s going on? What’s been happening? Where have you been? And why are you naked?”

“The Parody Master has conquered the Triumvirate!” Quoth responded, haunted. “I was sent to deliver a sealed message to a minor office holder, but found myself delayed from returning through a series of odd circumstances. When I finally made it back...” she shuddered, wrapping her arms about herself despite the warm Lemurian air. “I found the battle already lost. I lingered, hiding and watching the siege of the Destroyer of Tale’s fortress for as long as I dared, and then fled, chased and hounded through creation by the forces of that vile usurper.” She sniffed miserably. “I don’t even know what happened to the Chronicler… or Jury, Pallas, Nevermore…”

“We’ve heard from Jury” Fleabot assured her. “She’s staying under the protection of the Hooded Hood.”

The woman’s dark eyes went wide. “I dare say that might even signal things are worse than I feared” she noted. “But… the Shaper of Worlds is alive! What about the others… What about the Chronicler?”

“I only know what I picked up from the Shaper’s briefing with Mumphrey. As far as she knows, she’s the only one who got out alive… I’m sorry.”

She nodded, starring straight ahead. “Still, it’s reason to hold out hope.”

Fleabot nodded in agreement. “So… um… why are you naked again?”

She cast him a glance. “Why should it matter to you? I never wear clothes in my usual form.”

“Your usual form isn’t quite so… pink” he offered.

She bristled at this observation. “Not that it’s any of your business, but I’m first in line to please Visionary carnally in the Caphan Mera’h ceremony. I arranged that with Deeela of Caph just before you arrived.”

“What?! You actually know about this Mera’h nonsense? And you’re planning on going through with it?!”

“Of course I know about this Mera’h ‘nonsense’” she bit back. “I may have lost a great deal of my link to Destiny, but I’m still a Junior Raven, Second Class, after all… I’m not some cosmic bumpkin. I needed a way to get close to Visionary, and this is what presented itself.” She kept her arms folded across herself and glared at him. “And why should you be so surprised? It’s not like I haven’t had sex before…” she reminded him stiffly. “Maybe this time it will actually be enjoyable.”

“I… you…” the little robot gurgled. “You are not going to boink Visionary!!!”

“What make you think you have any say in what I do?” Quoth challenged. “Just because I forgot who I was with you for a bit in an alternate universe? For that matter, what makes you think I was a virgin before that? What even makes you think I was always a bird? I’ll ‘boink’ whomever I feel it’s appropriate to boink, without running it by the committee for your approval, thank you.”

“Lady Tiffany?” Deeela’s gentle voice called from outside the tent. “It is time to begin.”

“Eep” Quoth replied.

“That is by far the most asinine, ridiculous, moronic thing I’ve ever heard of” Hallie surmised darkly. “No wonder you and Fleabot are neck deep in it.”

“I know… I’m sorry, I just… seem to have a habit of falling into these kinds of things.” Visionary observed.

“Yes, if by things you mean ‘sluts’. Uh-oh! You just happened to slip in the shower and fall into conveniently retconned sex with an electric woman from another universe… Whoops, you’re accidentally on a date with an undead socialite! Egads, you’re breaking the headboard with a mutate woman who wants to kill us all… Oh! You’ve somehow gone skinny-dipping and relost your virginity with your soon to be sister! And let’s not forget the Wow! You’ve impossibly impregnated your alien slave girl from beyond the stars!!!”

“Er… when you string them all together like that, it does sound kind of bad” Visionary conceded.

“Ya think?” Hallie growled. “And now I have the honor of being added to the list of your unintentional conquests! With seven other women, no less. Oh joy… another accomplishment to check off the list before my 10 year class reunion! But as long as you can keep telling yourself it’s not your fault, then I guess everything is hunky-dory, isn’t it?”

“Am I interrupting something?” Fleabot asked mildly, returning. “And can I rip Vizh a new one too when you’re done there Hal?”

“I’m sorry…” Visionary repeated. “Please… I’ll somehow make it all right again. Honest. I just… need a little help.”

Hallie turned her back and took a deep breath. “Okay, if I don’t have to look at you for a bit, then the urge to throttle you goes down somewhat” she answered bitterly. “So what did you have in mind?”

“I don’t really…” he began, thinking frantically. “Hey, you can make holographic illusions of just about anything, right? I mean, they’re easily the most incredible things I’ve ever seen in that regard… you could fool most anyone.”

“Maybe…” she conceded, her posture relaxing slightly as she registered the compliment.

“Well, maybe there’s some way to fake this whole ceremony… Just put out an image of, um… you know… and nobody asks any questions.”

“Brilliant” Fleabot observed. “Only even if you get all of the guests to agree to the secret, how are you going to convince the Caphan half of the Mera’h that they rode you hard and put you away wet? I hear Odoona’s been counting the days until her time in the saddle with you. And that’s not all metaphor… Lisa’s loaned her a riding crop.”

“Er… okay… What if we just generate a fake me then?” Visionary suggested.

“Wouldn’t that be redundant?” Fleabot bit back.

“What crawled up your fleahole?” Visionary grumbled. “I thought you wanted to come along and help me!” He turned to Hallie. “What do you think? Would that work?”

She turned to face him slowly. “Let me just see if I’ve got this straight…” She began. “You want me to generate a holographic image of you to take your place in this whole ceremony… Knowing that something that complex would require my full and constant attention.” She crossed her arms defiantly. “In short, you want me to focus on nothing for the next 30 hours but physically pleasuring 7 other oiled, nubile, aroused women for you.”

“Um…” Visionary replied as a completely new set of mental images flooded his mind. “No...?” he said with only as much conviction as he could summon.

“Actually, it’s 8 oiled, nubile, aroused women” Fleabot pointed out helpfully. “You forgot that you’d have to do yourself too. Still… What if you left him on autopilot and he just laid there? Honestly, he’s Visionary… how much can the others really be expecting anyway?”

“Hey!” Visionary complained.

The holographic woman sniffed. “Oh, I *could* do it… I keep back-up programs of all of the Legionnaires’ images stored in the HEDs’ memories for emergency diversions. But I don’t leave holographic programs running unattended any longer.”

“What? But you’ve done it before… Bunnies and black cats around the Mansion grounds every Easter and Halloween for those parties Dancer and Hatty throw the orphans.”

“Yes” Hallie admittedly tightly. “But then I found out why Lisa’s cat and Rabito are always giving me such smug looks.”

“Okay, so maybe that’s not the way to go…” Visionary argued. “But please… help me come up with something.”

“You managed to make your own mess and drag the rest of us down into it without any help… Why should I help now? Maybe it’s past time you learned to claw your way out on your own.”

“Honestly, I know it all looks bad… but I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. You have to believe me… I’m not that kind of person.”

“Well, this trip is turning out interesting so far…” Sarah said dryly, entering the tent. “Apparently, Dancer is supposed to get naked and slippery with you towards the end of the rotation. You might have wanted to mention that before inviting her, don’t you think? Maybe something tacked onto the RSVP request?”

“Er… now’s not the best time…” Visionary began.

“No, Vizh… I think now’s the perfect time to hear Sarah’s point of view” Hallie countered.

“Really, Vizh… what were you thinking? It’s totally unfair to your female friends, and well beneath you… I have half a mind to tell Karl” his sister continued. “As if there weren’t going to be enough jokes now that word is both Dancer and I joined you skinny dipping in the park.”

Hallie blinked and turned to Visionary. “You accidentally had sex with both Sarah and Dancer. At the same time???”

“Ah… no… well, I mean… yes, but…”

“GAH!!! You total 01010111001010010101000101010101010101010001010101010100111110010!!!!” the sentient program yelled as she stormed out of the tent.

“I don’t really want that translated, do I?” Visionary asked Fleabot.

“Not if you ever want to sleep at night” the robot replied.

Sarah looked chagrinned. “Um… did you say this was a bad time?”

“Lord Visionary!” Deeela called out from the encampment. “I summon you forth to begin your trials of pleasure unbroken until the time of the greatest blessing upon your house! Ungird your loins and prove the overwhelming extent of your virility upon the flesh of those gathered to receive your manhood!”

“Eeep” they all agreed.

“Can I get you anything?” Kerry asked anxiously. “A leather strap to bite down on? An epidural? A time machine to go back and stop yourself from ever climbing into bed with the deviant in the first place?”

Miiri clenched her teeth until the pain subsided. “No thank you” she answered without a hint of irony. “The Librarian warned me that human deliveries were traditionally more physically difficult than Caphan ones… I am prepared to endure.”

“That’s what you said two minutes into the night the little guy was conceived too, wasn’t it?”

Asil elbowed the other teenager in the ribs, then brushed back Miiri’s hair and offered a cup of ice shavings to chew. “Straight from Antarctica” she explained. “Ebony is updating the Shoggoth on how things are going right now.”

The mother-to-be nodded gratefully. “They are both very concerned for me, despite no longer being my Masters.”

“They’re good friends” the clone girl agreed. “And proud of your decision for independence.”

“I suppose I have come a long ways from the frightened thing washed up on the shores of this world following our liberation from the vile Lovetoad…”

“Interesting how you always leave out the part where you led the other Caphans into revolting against him in that ‘liberation’…” Kerry noted. “Not to take away from all you’ve accomplished personally since, but it’s not like you were ever a helpless little lamb from the moment the Legion first ran across you in the Transworld Challenge.”

“They have a saying here on Lemuria: Old habits die hard” Miiri responded, slightly embarrassed. “For all that progress, I can still fall back rather quickly to the responses conditioned in me by my upbringing. I gather they’re a part of me now… I still find great honor and overwhelming satisfaction in this act… the birthing of a strong child to my house… even as it frightens me. For my progressive little sister, who has been raised to accomplish so much more in her life in these dire times for Caph, I must seem terribly quaint.”

Ohanna grasped her sister’s hand and leaned her. “Quaint? The great Miiri of Earth?” she said. “Did you know Deeela is composing an epic story of your life? Or that even many of the humans on this island look up to you as an example in overcoming their own ordeals? You are not some pampered pleasure slave, finding everlasting favor in bearing a child for a Master. You have chosen to take control of your life, and have gladly taken on the responsibility for yet another with this baby. You are not soft, or trivial, my sister. I have been following my Master’s wishes, and aiding my Emir in his quest, and in doing so have been exposed to scores of great heroes and fierce warriors. I know them when I see them, and you are most certainly one of them.”

Miiri smiled up at her little sister. “Life have not been easy on either of us, have it? But perhaps we have gotten the better of the deal in the end. And as Asil notes, it has led us to good friends, which makes independence a bit easier to bare.” She clenched her teeth again as another contraction came, then released, panting. “And at the moment, it’s a good thing I’m quite used to things not being easy.”

“Except for Visionary” Kerry added helpfully.

Visionary stood awkwardly in the center of the main tent of the Mera’h encampment. Admittedly, the preparation rubdown was not the worst thing he had ever endured, coming as it did at the hands of Deeela, Luuma and Losiira. But he did wish he had made more progress in the costuming compromise, as the loincloth was a decidedly drafty. Still, it was at least less so than the ‘nothing’ that tradition usually called for.

“Alright… she’s coming” Fleabot whispered, sneaking in to jump up to his shoulder. “Keep your eyes closed when she enters.”

“What?” Visionary asked just as the tent flap was thrown open. Deeela appeared, flanking the pale woman with the jet black hair that had mysteriously arrived just in time for them to depart. Visionary had forgotten about her completely, and his shock at seeing her again was admittedly strengthened by her nude and petite body side by side with Deeela’s equally nude statuesque sexuality.

“You’re staring!” Fleabot hissed. “Staring is not keeping your eyes closed! It’s the exact opposite!!!”

“Lord Visionary” Deeela intoned formally. “It is with great honor that I present the Lady Tiffany Ann Grandpierre, come to attempt to sate your lust by crashing her womanhood upon the rock of your masculinity. May your couplings bring honor to both your Houses, and be worthy of song and story.” She bowed with perfect grace and backed out of the tent, allowing the flap to close behind her.

“Well… not putting too much pressure on there, is she sir?” Tiffany noted nervously.

“Do you recognize her?” Fleabot asked. “Vizh? VIZH!”

“Gah… What? I’m… what?”

“Try looking at her face for a change” the tiny robot muttered.

“I’m… sorry. Have we met?” Visionary asked awkwardly, seeing a lot of drawbacks to his costume ever since the women first entered. “You seem familiar, but…” He tried desperately to place the pale face underneath the hair black as a crow’s wing.

“You weren’t quite yourself the only other time you saw this face, sir” she said in her dry voice. “And it’s black as a raven’s wing, if you don’t mind.”

Visionary’s eyes opened in shock and he looked her up and down. “My lord… Quoth?!? What are you… how did you…”

“She’s on the run from the Parody Master…” Fleabot explained. “Call her Tiffany while she’s in disguise. And keep your eyes up already, dammit!”

Visionary blushed and returned his gaze to Tiffany’s face in time to see her own eyes dart back up above his waist. “Er… This isn’t exactly how I pictured any reunion, er… Tiffany.”

She was blushing furiously, but gamely pushed onward. “I’m so sorry, sir… I didn’t know where else to turn. I was lost, and frightened, and tired… I had seen everything I knew wiped out in what seemed the blink of an eye… I just…” She was choked up as it all came rushing out. “I know I’m likely the last person you want to see… Especially after what happened. I just…”

Visionary reached out to give her a hug before remembering their respective states of undress. Instead he patted her awkwardly on the shoulder. “That was then” he assured her. “You’re always welcome… and if the Parody Master ever comes for you, he’ll have to go through us to get you. Don’t you ever forget it.”

“Yes sir” She managed a grateful smile, then looked away in embarrassment. “Forgive me… I’ve been in this human body for too long, and you humans are rather dramatic in your emotions and urges. Ah… on that subject, we should probably begin pleasuring each other now.”

“Er… what?” Visionary replied, desperately wishing he still had pants.

“No!” Fleabot exclaimed. “Not a chance! And that’s not just my opinion… He’s a former Chronicler of Stories! You can’t have that kind of fraternization! It’s just not done!”

“Ah… what he said” Visionary agreed. “Besides… I was hoping to slip out the back and find Hallie… I owe her… well, a lot of explanations. And even more apologies.”

Quoth looked especially relieved, but added “Luuma will be entering in a few minutes to spread flower petals and the oil of blessed conjugation… When you are not here, it will lead to a broken ceremony and a bad omen on your house under Caphan beliefs.”

Visionary looked pained. “Wait… you can see the future?”

The former bird shrugged. “I can see much of the actions of the present, provided they will intersect with my immediate future. The Book of Time always wrote a few lines ahead. Luuma is in her tent preparing the blessing now. I’m afraid I usually only see the trivial details, though… I was only a Junior Raven, Second Class.”

“Still… good to have you on our side” Fleabot noted sincerely. “Don’t worry about Luuma, Vizh… I’ll take care of it. You just go and find Hallie.”

The Regular nodded in thanks.

“And sir?” Quoth added as he prepared to slip out the back of the tent. “You may want to adjust the loincloth a little more back to the left.”

“How are you hanging in there?” Sarah asked, taking her turn by Miiri’s bedside. The Caphan woman was sweating heavily and practicing her meditative breathing. “I can’t believe Caphan women go through all of this while the men throw a stag party. Even on a galactic level, men are slime.”

A tight smile played at the corners of Miiri’s mouth. “I somehow doubt this is a stress free experience for Visionary” she noted. “In many ways, I’m guessing he would quickly trade places with me.”

“Well, I’ve known a few guys who suggested they’d do anything to see me with multiple women” the aspiring performer allowed, then gestured to the pregnant woman’s stomach. “But I’m thinking squeezing something that large out of an opening that small was off the table.”

“What on Earth are you doing?” Quoth asked skeptically as Fleabot made the last few attachments to himself.

“Hallie brought extra Holographic Emitter Drones…” the tiny robot allowed as he finished wiring the HED to his back. “And she was kind enough to note that they contained… Ah, here it is…” There was a flash of light, and where Fleabot once stood was a perfect replica of Visionary. A moment later all of his clothing vanished.

The former raven blinked in surprise and then flushed. “And what exactly did you think to do with that?”

“Well, er…” Fleabot began sheepishly in Vizh’s voice, his expressions conveyed on the replica of the Regular’s face. “I just thought… for appearances sake....”

Tiffany slapped him soundly across his generated face. “And what makes you think I’m so easy?”

“Well, Tiffy… You were willing to sleep with Visionary, for one!” Fleabot responded hotly.

She rolled her eyes. “Didn’t you hear me when I said I could see where events were immediately leading in my own narrative? Not to mention that, as his head raven, I’m let in on his thought processes… Visionary wasn’t about to bed me either way! So what makes you think you get to?”

“I just… I didn’t…”

He looked and sounded so much like Visionary that she almost snorted. Then she noticed the bright red welt growing on his cheek. “Ooh… I didn’t mean to hit you that hard… Does it hurt?”

“Hmmm?” he responded, trying to keep up. “Oh… no, I didn’t really feel it. Wow… these skin reaction subroutines of Hallie’s are pretty impressive. But there’s no physical senses feed back… Yet.” The image of Visionary began doing an odd pantomime as if making adjustments to a machine that wasn’t there. “What Hallie doesn’t know is that I’ve been spending a lot of time with Al B. Harper over at EEE, and we’ve been working on a way to replicate some of the artificial sensations she feels in her malfunctioning robot body into a system that works with electro-magnetic force field impulse as the input medium.” He finished his odd gyrations and faced her again. “There, now try it.”

Tiffy slapped him soundly on the other cheek.

“GAH!” Fleabot cried, his eyes widening. He worked his jaw to shake the sensations out. “Um… yeah, felt that. Obviously there’s a lot of adjusting to do, as that was rather… intense.”

“Oops… sorry” Quoth responded, moving closer. She stood on her toes and lightly brushed her lips across his reddened cheek, then blew gently on it as she pulled away. “How about that… did you feel that?” she whispered in his ear.

“Um… yes. Yes I did” he noted, all the hairs on his arms standing on end. “Like a screaming freight train in my brain. But… definitely the good kind.”

“I see.” She trailed an arm down his chest and kept going. “And this?” she asked with a smile as she reached her target. “Do you feel this?”

He shuddered in answer and his eyes rolled back into his head. She briefly worried that she had caused a seizure in him before he pulled her petite body down into the huge pile of pillows set in the center of the room, locking holographic lips with her transformed ones. It wasn’t until he came up for air minutes later that he thought of something. “Wait, if you can see how things are going to unfold in your immediate future, did you…?”

“Shhhh….” She said, looking up the length of his form with a smile. “Luuma’s almost here.” And she quickly chased any thoughts from his mind.

“I’ve paced the beach enough, Ebony.... I want to be on the next Shoggoth leaving the station!” Hallie demanded, pushing her way into the tent. “There’s no way I’m going to… er… Um… Hello, Miiri.”

“Dear sister” the pregnant woman managed in-between breathing exercises. She was surrounded by her attendants, Sarah, Kerry, Asil, Ohanna and Ebony. “Is there something the matter?” she asked, before her face scrunched up in pain.

Hallie watched in alarm until the contraction passed. “Um… nothing that seems all that terribly important right now…”

“You are disturbed by the true nature of the Mera’h?” the mother-to-be surmised. “I hear Visionary failed to make the formal invitations like I had asked of him, and now has a mess of his own making to deal with.”

“Don’t worry… it’s just Vizh being Vizh” Sarah replied. “Nobody really expects you to put yourself into any awkward position… or, ah… let me rephrase that…”

“The deviant turned yellow and tried to weasel out of things rather than just sucking it up and dealing with it like a man.” Kerry suggested. “Only, I gather the sucking part might have been your…”

“The Great Man is occasionally flustered…” Asil allowed warily. “But I am sure he never meant to cause you any undo embarrassment.”

“Yes” Miiri agreed. “After all, he’s wildly attracted to you.”

There was a pause broken only by the labored breathing of the mother-to-be.

“He’s what?!” Hallie managed finally.

“Surely you all could see it? The body language he displays around Hallie? It’s as obvious as the difference in the tension between Visionary and Sarah before and after they dallied together.”

“Yeah, they dallied each other pretty thoroughly” Kerry noted.

“Or as clear as it is that young Kerry has taken the steps to full womanhood by leaving behind her virginity” Miiri continued.

“What?” Sarah asked.

“I… ah… that is…” the teen stammered.

“With Danny?” Ohanna asked, instantly interested.

“Danny, you say his name is?” Asil replied, taking mental notes.

Kerry turned on the girl. “You wouldn’t!” she challenged.

“Not if we are willing to drop the “deviant” nickname. And possibly some other conditions to be named later.”

“That’s blackmail!!!”

“The doody-head calls it ‘aggressive negotiation’.”

“I’m sorry… I sometimes forget that not everyone is trained to read a person’s desires through their movements” noted Miiri, turning back to Hallie. “Visionary has tried to repress it, but he’s definitely carried a torch for you ever since we first met him. I had thought it common knowledge.”

“He… that… But… Wait, no… That’ can’t be true. He’s the one who dumped me!”

“He did?” Sarah asked.

“Yes! I asked him out on a date more than a year ago! We had dinner, and went dancing, and kissed on the bridge to the island! And the next morning he said “Let’s just be friends”!!!”

“Ah… so you were the one.” Kerry noted. “Well, better than Yo, at least.”

“Kissed him?” Sarah said. “That’s what he meant!!! Which means… Um… uh-oh.”

“What?” asked Hallie.

“I, ah… sort of told him that you weren’t interested. After Kerry told him you took him out for pity’s sake.”

“Pity’s sake!” exclaimed the hologram. “I didn’t… well, I may have convinced myself if was partly because he was so lonely, but… Why would you tell him that?!”

“Why else would anybody ask him out?” Kerry posited.

“Let’s just ignore her, shall we?” Sarah suggested. “She was dropped a lot as a child. Really, there’s a very logical explanation for all of this, and when you hear it you’re going to laugh. Someday.”

“What are you really up to?” Ebony leaned over to ask the young Caphan woman quietly while the drama played out before them.

“Just getting my House in order to best welcome a new arrival” she smiled slightly, resting a hand on her abdomen. “Eventually, all things must develop and come out into the open, after all.”

“That idiot!” Hallie growled mentally as she stalked back to the Mera’h encampment. “Who does he think he is, pretending to be my friend when what he really wants to do to me is… um…” She lost her train of thought in a daydream. “Well, it’s not right, dammit! Why wouldn’t he just come out and tell me? It’s not like I’d… um… make up some lame story about needing a practice date to prepare for my fictional online admirer as cover for asking him out or anything.” She sighed. “Aw crud… You idiot!” she moved on to berating herself.

She braced herself as she neared the main tent, but was relieved to her only silence within. “And if you didn’t?” she asked herself. “Were you going to go in there and ask him out again while he was under, or above, or, um, behind some Caphan who makes you look as attractive as Olive Oyl by comparison? Where you going to kick him in the crotch for all of this? And if you did, would “can I kiss it and make it better?” be an appropriate follow-up for anyone but a slutty multiple-personality patient?”

She held her breath as she entered, but found it as deserted as the silence suggested. However, the pillows that made up the center of the tent showed signs of some rather energetic activity. It was a bit much to expect him to abstain” she told herself. “You were secretly still attracted to him when you peeled off your swimsuit to jump Epitome. That wasn’t about Vizh any more than this is about you.”

The holographic woman chewed her lip. “Of course, you didn’t ask Vizh to save you from having to sleep with Epitome… or stupidly ask him to take your place.” She paused as a rather surprising mental image came to her. “You’ve really got to get that daydream subroutine under control…” she noted, then sighed out loud. “So, Girl… Now you know. What do you do differently?”

She frowned as she recognized something across the tent resting on top of a velvet pillow. “What the hell?” she asked, picking up one of her HED units. “What are you doing here?”

With a blink she transferred herself into the new unit in order to access its memory, but paused as she realized she was now male. Very obviously male, from the lack of clothes and the condition of her anatomy. “Fleabot!” she growled.

“Lord Visionary…” Deeela’s voice suddenly called from behind her. She whirled in confusion to find two very obviously Caphan females at the entrance to the tent. “It is with great honor that I present the Slave Odoona, come to fulfill her grandest wishes by bringing you to the pinnacles of ecstasy, so that you may prove your prowess with your anatomy and your Mastery over her flesh. May your couplings shine like a beacon to the other mighty Houses, and signal the greatness that flows from your loins.” She bowed gracefully and backed out of the tent, allowing the flap to close behind her.

“Sheesh” Hallie muttered. “A guy’s going to get two mighty swelled heads with that kind of presentation.”

“Master Visionary” Odoona said, eyes downcast. “It is a great honor to finally be able to become one with you.”

“Er, yeah… about that…” Hallie began in Visionary’s voice. “What the hell did Fleabot do to the settings of this thing?”

“Know that I have longed for this moment ever since you addressed me before all others in the bedroom of your quarters on the Gamemaster’s ship so long ago.”

Hallie paused in her file searches. “Really? In his… er, my quarters, was it? How’d did that work out for us?”

“I listened, amazed, to Miiri’s tales of her illicit couplings with you… and I wondered how it was that I had never had the nerve to tell a Master of my desires for him when it was not a rehearsed line. Of how I had never seized the initiative to search for pleasure even when it would have obviously been mine for the taking. I envied Miiri greatly for her ability to do so.”

“She does have that quality, doesn’t she?” Hallie sighed. “Just looking at her, you know… this is a woman who knows what she’s doing. She steps right up and tackles it… grabs what she wants. How I envy and admire her for that. It’s what I desperately want for myself.”

“Truly?” Odoona asked, wide eyed.

Hallie nodded. “Yeah.”

So that’s when Odoona tackled her.

“Gah!” the holographic former woman gasped in surprise as she went down into the pile of cushions. “That’s… new” Hallie said in shock as the intense feedback of the physical contact flooded her brain.

“I have practiced the perfect routine to bring you to the heights of physical pleasure, Master!” Odoona purred in her ear, biting lightly on the lobe. “And I have studied the tapes of Meggan Foxxx of Earth to learn the heights of sexual aggression as well. I want our time to be something you remember forever.”

“I’m… not forgetting this any time soon…” Hallie agreed, her nerves ringing in a way that was far too enticing for her own good. “Um… not that I’m not exceedingly curious, but… OH!”

The slavegirl smiled wickedly. “The build-up, the anticipation of wondering what is next is the key to this movement, developed by the fabled pleasure slaves of Naibsel Provence” Odoona explained, moving on with the program.

“Well… I suppose I’d hate to ruin the surprise…” Hallie murmured dreamily, lost in a pleasant buzzing.

“Vizh! There you are!” Meggan called out to him, striding down the beach.

“Oh, hey Meg” he answered distractedly. “Have you seen… um…” he was unable to recall what he was saying as the nude porn star with the huge bust bore down on him. “Um… Hallie!” he remembered, shaking his head and studying the seagulls swirling above the crashing surf of Lemuria. “I was out looking for Hallie… she stormed off in a bit of a huff.”

“So that’s what happened, eh?” the fit mother responded. “Things are falling apart with the ceremony… Dancer had to cancel, and now Hallie’s gone missing. Deeela’s scrounging to find a few substitutes from the other Caphan gals, but we need to get a move on if we’re not going to forfeit.”

“Wait… what?” Visionary said, startled.

“Come on…” she said, grabbing him by the arm and steering him towards her own tent. “This means a lot to the Caphans, and they’ve gone to a lot of trouble to set this up. You don’t want to disappoint them all, now do you?”

“Well, no but… um… What about Hallie?” he asked with a gulp.

“I’ll find her and talk to her afterwards…” Meg assured him. “Unless you want to just call this off right here and now?”

He looked up and down the beach for a sign, but nothing was forthcoming. “Well… no, but…”

She rolled her eyes and prodded him inside the tent. “Then make yourself comfortable, Hon…” she drawled sweetly. “And we’ll just have to do this the hard way” she added under her breath.

“Well?” Luuma asked excitedly. “How was it?”

Odoona had to blink to focus on her sisters. “I have never had a Master reach such a pinnacle before…” Odoona answered in a daze. “Nor do so in multiple waves. And the sensations from him when he did were… were…”

“Yes?” the other Caphans prodded eagerly.

“…Surprising” the slavegirl finished with a mysterious smile, her hair still crackling with static and standing on end.

“Relax…” Meggan said. “I know you’re having more than a few second thoughts about this whole thing. I’ve done enough soft-core appearances to know how to make it all look very convincing. Just let me on top here and get the right rhythm.”

“I am relaxed. Really. Well, except for… Er… sorry about, um…”

“Don’t sweat it. If I’m sitting on top of a naked guy and he isn’t saluting, then I’ll take offense. You just need to take your mind off things for a bit.”

“Thinking about baseball doesn’t actually work…”

“Heh. You know, I’ve been giving this whole ritual some thought… Why do you think Miiri asked you to do this?”

“To teach me a lesson? A horrible, horrible lesson?”

She laughed. “I’ll admit, with most pregnant women this might have had shades of the boy sent out to the woodshed to smoke an entire carton of cigarettes… The idea of to putting the guy off the habit forever has some appeal in the short term when the kid’s head starts to push through… but I’m guessing that’s not quite it. Instead, let’s start with this one… Why did you say yes?”

“Er… it might be safer if you shifted a bit to the right…”

“You’re dodging the question, toots.”

“I’m barely dodging anything right now. And I didn’t realize what she meant when…”

“Buzz! Sorry, that’s a technical foul there. You might not have known at the time, but you learned pretty quick. And you knew she’d let you out of it if you asked… even if she was a bit disappointed. So why have you done everything but chew your arm off to escape and yet not simply call the whole thing off?”

“Because… well, it’s complicated. This… isn’t me. I’m not good at this. Well, not this. I mean, not what we’re pretending, and coming dangerously close to actually doing… um… but I mean, I haven’t had many complaints in that regard…”

“I know… I’ve seen Pricilla leaving in the morning. Not to mention Tiffany’s hair just now.”

“I just mean… Wait, what?”

“Nevermind. Go on… You’re not good at the casual sex thing is what you were trying to say.”

“Yes! I just… I don’t know, I was with my wife for so many years, and the number of women before and after that could be counted on one hand… I just never really did much casual dating.”

“So why break your total record in one fell swoop?”

“This… isn’t me. But it is a part of Miiri’s life. It’s a part of her culture. Life may have dealt these women a raw deal, but they’re not…” He sighed. “You know I got a lot of hate mail after that whole smear campaign, right? Well, it never really stopped… not all of it. And the focus of a lot of it after a while was Miiri, because of the pregnancy. And the one word most repeated in describing her…”

“Ah… yeah, I got you. The bastards.”

“Yeah. And what infuriated me was, this is what people are going to say about the mother of my child, and there’s nothing I can do to stop that. So after I spent a while mindlessly breaking stuff… mostly over at the mansion… Did you know there’s a room where you can blow stuff up with particle weapons? Or maybe it was just the new remote control for the television that Enty was working on… Either way, it’s kinda cathartic. In any event, I eventually worried about what our child might think if an aspect of his mother’s culture came up and I acted like… well…”

“A disapproving squirrel on crack?”

“Jumpier, even. I mean, I don’t disapprove of Miiri in the slightest… or any of these women. It would break my heart if I gave the impression that I thought they were anything less than admired and respected.”

“So you decided not to run screaming for the hills when Miiri asked you to take part in a Caphan fertility ceremony.”

“I just… didn’t want to say, or even had it thought, that I somehow held myself above such things. I don’t know… maybe it’s a stupid reason.”

“Maybe. But it’s one with a surprising amount of heart behind it. And more than a bit of guts and thoughtfulness. Of course, all of that is still mitigated by the fact that it also allows you to bang 8 luscious babes, so don’t go expecting any parades or anything. Well, now that you’re here, why have you spent all your time screwing around instead of seriously screwing?”

“For one there’s all the intimidation involved. And the pressure. And the threat of Deeela’s remedy for “when my manhood begins to flag” that apparently involves a suppository the size of a vegetable, plus the liberal use of sea-urchin needles and the excessive swelling caused by them. Add the fact that I chickened out of formally inviting half the Mera’h party, and so brought them here under false pretenses…”

“Mmm-hmmm… As it turns out, I’m not here under false pretenses, Vizh. Let me just get a little more comfortable, and I’ll tell you what I think of this whole thing.”

“Gah! Uh… Meg..?”

“Yes?”

“I think you may have shifted a bit too much there…”

“Well now, see… that’s kind of the point. Boundaries. You’re not quite sure where your boundaries are at, and it’s making you an emotional and physical wreck. And it’s affecting your friends, and really the whole Lair Legion in the process. And it’s past time you got them sorted out.”

“Lady Meggan?” a voice called through the tent flap. “Do you require any assistance?”

“Thanks Deeela, but I have things well in hand at this point. Well, not in hand, but you get the idea.”

“Ah! I, um… I’m not really sure that....”

“Exactly, Vizh… you’re not sure. You’re lonely after your marriage, but you’re too scared, scarred or guilty to commit to pursuing what you want. You’re horny, but you’re not willing to separate that from being lonely. And so you’re open to falling under the sway of anybody that’ll fill both those needs for you but not willing to work at finding the right one. You’re hurt, and lost, and leaving yourself way open to abuse… and that’s a danger, not just to yourself but to everyone who cares about you. Which, coincidentally, happens to include a great number of the people that I care about myself.”

“I’m not… Pricilla wasn’t like that! She wasn’t taking advantage of me!”

“Yes she was. She was there to kill you. She was there to kill the Legion, including my Dream. That deep down she was a good enough person to be won over in the end is dumb luck on your part… which, admittedly, is your family’s specialty now. But the next woman who seduces you might not be so benign as to merely lead your friends into a death trap while planning on wiping out the human race. So it’s time for you to do some growing up and get over your past. You can choose to fall in love with every woman who screws your brains out… but you have to accept the responsibility to look very closely before you leap. And that means you have to be willing to stay lonely and celibate until you’re sure you’ve found someone worth it. Or, you can chose to get horizontal without giving your heart away like some vendor passing out flyers in front of a take-out place, desperately fishing for customers.”

“I’m… ah! …Not a rube, dammit… I can take care of myself.”

“Sure you can. It’s not like a strong willed woman can manipulate you at all. Here, tell me how this feels…”

“Ghhhh! Okay, okay… you may have a point. I’ll have to give it some thought when the blood returns to my brain. Ngggg! Uh, Meg… I don’t think I can last…”

“Yeah, that’s the exercise Miiri taught me paying off. See, I think this is why she snookered you into this whole thing… To force you to make a choice. So, here it is… Do you want to finish what we’ve started here in a sweaty, incredible explosion and casually move on to the next round, or do you want to call it quits, finally take control of your love life and go to explain things to Miiri. Either way, I think everyone will understand… But keep traveling down the middle of this street and you’re bound to be roadkill, and all your traveling companions with you.”

“I… have to… decide right… now?!?”

“Hon, I find the tough decisions are the ones we stick to, don’t you think? But to show I’m compassionate, I’ll give you as much time as you can last before we hit the big ending. Here, let me show you those moves that impressed Odoona so much…”

“So the Mera’h Ceremony is over?” Deeela asked mildly as Meg washed away her body oils under a waterfall running down the cliffs of Lemuria.

“’Fraid so, kiddo” the older woman replied.

“Very well…” the head slave answered, removing an intricately carved pin from her sweeping emerald hair. “A wager is a test of honor” she noted, laying the prize on top of the pile of Meggan’s traveling clothes.

“Easy money” Meg grinned. “You should have listened to Miiri on this one.”

“Again” the Caphan agreed. “So where is Lord Visionary? Gone to confess to the mother of his child?”

“Er… eventually” the LL PR rep explained. “He, ah, needed a moment alone to take care of a little something I left him with first.”

Epilogue:

“Well, this was actually a really nice little getaway” Fleabot said, stretching his limbs from Tiffy’s shoulder as they trod up the beach towards Miiri’s encampment.

“It wasn’t bad” the raven haired woman shrugged, jostling him so he didn’t notice her tiny smile. “A bit better than the last such vacation I took… still nothing to write home about.”

“What? But…”

“I thought it was a wonderful ceremony” Odoona cooed. “I’m sorry to see it end.”

“Well, it was certainly… educational” Visionary agreed carefully, happy to finally have his pants back.

“Er… yes” Hallie said, blushing. “That’s one word for it.”

Visionary cast her an apologetic glance. “You and I need to talk sometime…” he said. “I have a feeling that I’m going to be making this up to you for a long time…”

“Probably” she replied with a surprisingly warm smile. “But today isn’t about me or you any more. It’s finally about what we came here for in the first place.”

He swallowed hard. “I’m going to be a father” he noted with a goofy grin on his face.

“Be a good one” she told him, kissing his cheek.

“And keep out of oncoming traffic” Meg added with her own friendly smooch and a pinch on his rump for good measure.

“May your House always be as proud of you as you are of it” Deeela blessed him with a kiss.

“Come back again when you can!” Odoona suggested next with a quick peck.

“Oi” Hallie noted, rolling her eyes.

Tiffany stepped forward with a shy smile to offer her own wishes, but suddenly froze.

“Tiffy?” Fleabot asked. “What’s wrong?”

What little color the woman had faded quickly from her cheeks as she gasped. Her eyes turned up the beach, to the tent in which Miiri was going through labor. “Visionary…” she said, her voice choked with dread. “Run.”

The Regular’s own smile faltered as a chill shot through his heart. He didn’t even remember sprinting down the beach… The next thing he was aware of he was stumbling through the opening into the confines of the tent. Sarah held one of Miiri’s hands, and Ohanna the other. Kerry and Asil looked on in alarm. Ebony was holding a white towel up to Miiri’s face as the pregnant woman was leaning over, coughing violently. It came away from her mouth unmistakably stained with a reddish green blood.

The Priestess swore in some incomprehensible language. “We need help” she said simply, looking directly into Visionary’s eyes. Her hand went to the pendant she always wore. “We’re going back.”

To be continued in Untold Tales #255…

Post By Visionary, finally with internet connection again Mon Feb 13, 2006 at 09:03:14 am EST	Subject Performance Anxiety: A Decidedly Not-For-All-Ages Tale

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