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The Moderator Saga: Part... what? 19? |
"Brap!" Functionary greeted his genetically bioengineered pig-assistant warmly. "I can't thank you enough for meeting us here... I knew we could trust you."
"Eet ees nothing" the three-foot tall bipedal porcine assured as he worked on the lock to the storage facility. "At least, nothing to one as trained in the ways of executive assistance as moi."
"Well, nothing but high treason against The Moderator" Flapjack noted.
"Er... treason?" the pig asked faltering.
"Forget I mentioned anything. Besides, it's the honor of any good manservant to be flayed for the crimes of his master."
"Flayed? Crimes?"
"You didn't know?" Helen McAllistair asked. "We're not wanted for active rebellion within Lair headquarters yet?"
The pig flushed guiltily. "A-heh... I may have taken a, how you say... overly long lunch-break, no? Did... Did I miss something? I take eet you did not simply leave the keys to the storage unit in your other briefcase?"
"This is a top secret warehouse where The Moderator stores the trophies of his conquests over the Lair Legions of countless realities..." Helen explained as the outer doors opened. She quickly set to work on the security keypad revealed inside. "Without the input of a revolving, 28 digit code the security system here will atomize us and disperse our remains as a fine mist over a 12 city block radius."
"So..." the pig struggled to keep up. "...This is not about retrieving the decorations for the Lair Super Bowl party, then?"
"Deep down, you must know... The world is not right, Brap" Functionary explained. "We're going to fix it."
"Garthilippppppphhht!" the bandaged and medical-gowned Muffy B. Harplicker concurred between facial spasms. "Farz-Oik!"
The genetic experiment considered the hunchback, mousy scientist, the mental patient and the middle management supervisor assembled for the task. "How reassuring eet ees to hear" he answered mildly.
"Spread out" the Mouse ordered as they entered the surprisingly large underground storage facility. "Look for anything that might be useful. The Moderator stored all of the stuff that his own team couldn't figure out how to activate or take advantage of themselves. Maybe... maybe together we'll have better luck." She took Muffy's hand in her own gently. "I think there's something here that might help Muffy and Al... They're getting better, though... They've almost got speech relearned."
"Halimphrump!" Muffy B. responded testily. "Spignitz ot gunderblumpt!"
"Right" Functionary replied as optimistically as he could, looking down the aisle of crates extending as far as he could see. "We'll look this way..." he offered as Helen and Muffy headed the other direction.
"Whistle if you should find the Ark of the Covenant" Flapjack called after her.
Functionary read the labels of the crates as they walked. "How many realities do you suppose they've visited?" he asked, even as he wondered who "Zeke" was, and why his left pinky finger should take up a shipping crate the size of a Buick.
"Not as many as all this..." Flapjack assured them. "Most of these trophies were retconned here by the Hooded Hood, rather than earned the hard way. Which is why ol' Mousy's plan is a good one... there's sure to be some stuff we need hidden away here."
"Zhat woman she ees with..." Brap interrupted, looking back the way they came. "That was her old college friends, Al and Muffy?"
"All twirled together and mushed into one brain" Flapjack confirmed. "Not that brain transplant isn't a noble practice... My grand uncle Klaus wrote a great thesis on the procedure... but I'm guessing the hack that did her cranial nip and tuck was educated in some community college medical school."
"So eet ees both Muffy and Al together..." the pig reiterated. "How eet must break poor Helen's heart to see her first love joined with another so."
Functionary gave Brap a curious look with a raised eyebrow.
"She ees a lonely woman, our Helen... We have lunch together occasionally and talk. She has a great fondness for the simpler times in her life."
"Seeing her life, who could blame her." Flapjack made a clucking sound. "You know, in our reality there was a rumor that Helen had tried to get in-between Al and Muffy, but it was totally bunk..."
"Oui... she never acted, and her love remained unrequited" the pig noted solemnly. "Ees that how things worked out on your world as well?"
"Er... something like that" Flapjack hedged. "It wasn't a very happy... Hold up!" He skidded his misshaped body to a stop in front of a mid-sized crate. "Give me that crowbar!" he exclaimed, taking it from Functionary and setting to work on the wooden box. "Tell me... this CalmSereneFlunkyBoy of the Legion... did he wear an earring before he went AWOL?"
Functionary thought on it. "I think so... why?"
With a clatter, the side of the crate gave way and countless little credit-card sized ID badges spilled out across the floor, each bearing the name and likeness of a colorful character on the face.
"Hmmm... might take a bit of searching to find the right ones..." the hunchback noted, pawing through the cards by the handful. "But, if we find the communicards of our Legion, then we can contact CrazySugarFreakBoy! on his earring and start getting the band back together."
"CrazySugarFreakBoy?" Functionary asked.
"Should I tell Helen we have found something?" Brap asked.
"Yeah... go tell her what we're up to, and see if she's managed to find a lead to help remove her loverboy from his girlfriend's body." Flapjack paused as he noticed the other two giving him a curious look. "What?"
"Loverboy?" Brap asked, scoffing. "Helen... she ees in love with Muffy, not Al."
"I... what?" the misshapen man asked as a variety of reactions flashed across what passed for his face. Despite the battle, a hint of a leering grin stayed etched to the corners of his mouth. "Helen is into women?"
"Oui"
"...Exclusively?"
Functionary shrugged. "As far as I know. She used to date Ms. St. Clare, right? And there was the unhealthy relationship with that German woman..." He paused and considered the hunchback dubiously. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"
to be continued...
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Post By
Visionary
Sat Jan 26, 2008 at
03:12:45 pm EST
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I hope Brap makes it back to the core reality when this is done :) (no text) - Hatman - Sun Jan 27, 2008 at 06:02:48 pm EST