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Part 5 of the Oh, That Joey Z. round robin.Part 4 (?) of the Oh, That Joey Z. round robin. |
“Now see here,” growled Sir Mumphrey Wilton, “this is dashed inconvenient. Right now I’m supposed to be smiting undead in a life and death conflict in the Land That Common Sense Forgot. Can’t be bein’ yanked away from the place just to be answering a few questions by cosmic civil service oiks. Bad enough when that Org blighter…” Here the eccentric Englishman pointed out a pinstripe-suited nonentity sitting at the prosecution bench “…interrupted my crossword last time. Not done. Isn’t cricket.”
“Sir Mumphrey Wilton,” warned Justice Wah P’Nar from the bench, “as a holder of cosmic office, Keeper of the Chronometer of Infinity, you are required to answer certain questions about the death of the Shee-Yar Imperium. You have been brought to this trial out of your timeline, and when you return you will have no memory of…”
“Yes, yes, I know all that jaw,” snapped the old man. “Now what’s this about a death in the Shee-yar Imperium.”
“Not a death,” Arnie J. Armbruster instructed him. “Everybody. They’re saying ninety billion.”
“I was framed!” wailed Joey Z. “I was at home that night, washing my hair.”
“And why do you think I can help you, Armbruster?” Sir Mumphrey demanded.
“Don’t make him mad, Arnie,” Snookie hissed to her employer. “He’s rich!”
“You have an expertise with time, Sir Mumphrey” Arnie replied. “So could you confirm for us the exact moment of these deaths?”
“Can from this courtroom,” admitted Mumph. “Hmm. Looks like it started at one end of the Imperium with around half a million deaths a minute then worked its way inwards in a spiral, planet by planet. By the time it got to the centre folks were dyin’ at about twelve million a second.”
“I didn’t do that,” Joey protested. “I don’t make patterns of dead people!”
“Well, that’s just what you’d say if you were guilty,” accused Noseous Ogg for the prosecution.
“It’s also what he’d say if he was innocent,” pointed out Arnie. “Although he might also say ‘Ouch, officer, stop twisting my arm back like that!’.”
“Any other damnfool questions,” Sir Mumphrey asked the court, “or can I get back to fighting vampires, what?”
Arnie shook his head, then swayed a little as the hangover objected. “I just wanted to show the court that when my client affects reality its all in one go, not in an impossibly quick spiral trail.”
“Wow, Arnie, that was actually a good point,” admitted Snookie, impressed.
“Very well,” Justice Wah P’Nar conceded. “If there are no further questions for this witness he may return to Comic-Book Limbo.”
“Return to where…?” demanded Sir Mumphrey as he vanished.
“I have a question,” Joey Z objected. “What makes you think I did it in the first place?”
“Your question is out of order,” ruled the judge.
“Besides, we know you did it,” accused Noseous Org. “We found the evidence you left behind.”
Arnie J. Armbruster rose to his feet again. “Evidence? What evidence?”
“The evidence on the wall behind the Emperor’s throne,” Org said triumphantly. A gigantic viewscreen appeared to show the wall he was talking about. In big bloody letters (blood donated by the Emperor of the Shee-Yar) was written: JOEY Z DID THIS SO THERE!
Footnotes:
Mr Noseous Org and the cosmic audit commission have previously plagued our heroes in Sir Mumphrey Wilton and the Official Enquiry by the Hooded Hood, Stand Up by Jason, and Just a Minute by the Manga Shoggoth
Those curious as to what really happened to the Shee-Yar Imperium are directed to Saving the Future - part 12: The New Lair Legions (and Other Heroes) by the Hooded Hood.
Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2008 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2008 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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The Hooded Hood
Sat Aug 09, 2008 at
08:25:13 am EDT
L!
Wed Aug 06, 2008 at
05:56:22 pm EDT
Location: Seattle, Washington
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