Dreamcatcher Foxglove was not impressed.

    “Detention is in session,” warned the CrazySugarFreakAdult!, as he was known by his extremely junior teammates in the Lair Legion. “I don’t suppose I could get you to wait a few moments for the rest of the team to arrive, could I? I just hate putting on demonstrations without any students present to benefit from it.”

    “Is that what you think I am, old man? Some freak show to be put on display? I’ve suffered long enough at the Lair Legion’s expense! I won’t put up with it any longer!!” The Birthday Bandit charged CSFA!, attempting to punch his head clear from his shoulders.

    He missed, as the experienced hero dodged the blow and bounced away from his adversary. The Bandit followed up the attack, forcing the wired wonder into a defensive pattern. He noticed with some concern that the Bandit was getting closer to striking him. Fortunately the Bandit was not familiar enough with his multiple powers to realize that if he consciously combined the speed of CrazySugarFreakBoy! with that of Mr. Epitome he would by far be the quicker. For the moment he was running on instinct.

    Dream preferred to rely on experience. Pausing momentarily in front of the hole the Birthday Bandit had made in the exterior wall, he made himself an easy target. The Bandit, thinking he had an easy target, put all of his incalculable strength into one blow that should have resulted in his fist through the torso of his opponent.

    CrazySugarFreakAdult! vibrated through the attack, the result being the momentum of the Birthday Bandit’s lunge carried outside the mansion. Hearing footsteps behind him, Dream called to them. “Here’s a tip for you youngsters; don’t smash up your house if you don’t have to!” He bounced back behind the assembled heroes. “Go get him team!” The young heroes raced forward to confront their adversary, but Dream caught Hatman by the arm before he could join the fray. “Not you, Hat. I’ve got a job for you.”

    As Dream explained to his partner what he was to do, Mumph took charge of his team. Having seen them in battle a short time ago*, he was now more familiar with their abilities and since he wasn’t exactly keen to engage in fisticuffs with a brute the size of the Bandit, he reclaimed a role that was rightfully his.

    “Trickshot, lay down a cover spread, jolly good! Harlagaz, Epitome, Glory, engage him, but be damned careful! I don’t like the looks of this blighter. Lisa, ladies, stay behind me!” Mumphrey waited as his team executed his orders. Somewhat.

    Trickshot, eager to show off his skill, fired a volley of arrows with his off-hand. Harlagaz and Glory attacked, but Mr. Epitome shot back into the mansion at extraordinary speed. “Dominic!” barked Glory, torn between chasing after her partner and obeying Mumphrey’s orders. She growled and set her sights on the Bandit. Lisa scoffed at Mumphrey’s command to remain out of combat and uncoiled her whip. Fashion Accessory and Kerry backed her up.

    The Bandit quickly removed his crossbow from his thigh and fired his own bolts to counter Trickshot’s volley. Each arrow found it’s target, stopping the annoying archer’s volley. However, this provided the opening Mumphrey had intended.

    “Have at thee, felon! Surrender before the might of the Donarson! For yea, even as the glow of mine plasma high definition television shall never fade, neither shall the fighting spirit of Harlagaz waver!” Having spent much time practicing in front of the mirror, Harlagaz was not going to let this caitiff outdo him in the macho boasting department. He struck with a mighty blow that would have done his father proud.

    As the Birthday Bandit was protected by the inherent durability of Fin Fang Foom, Mr. Epitome, Banjoooo, and Harlagaz’s father Donar, he shrugged off the attack. Harlagaz gulped as the Bandit returned the blow, exercising the strength of the aforementioned heroes, throwing in Goldeneyed’s enhanced strength for good measure. Harlagaz slammed in to the Mansion wall. As he woozily regained his feet, he muttered, “So that is mine Harlagaz-sense…”

    Glory latched on to the Bandit’s leg, growling as she pulled, trying to uproot the villain. The Bandit latched on to the scruff of Glory’s neck and hurled her to the mainland.

    “Nobody does that to my dog!!” bellowed a very angry Mr. Epitome from behind the villain. Mumphrey noticed a large object tucked under the Exemplary Teen’s arm, but for once approved. Before the Bandit could turn around, Mr. Epitome shoved the Birthday Bandit into the locker.

    “Samantha, be a dear would you and, er, transmodulate, the chap’s garments to something a tad more flammable,” ordered Mumph. Even as Fashion Accessory obeyed the young Englishman’s command, Lisa snickered to herself and made a note to correct Mumphrey later. Vigorously, if need be.

    “Done and done!” exclaimed FA. “You’re up Kerry.”

    “Invulnerable villain plus Dorko not being here means I get to cut loose! Stand back kiddies, it’s about to get hot out here!” crowed the Probability Arsonist. An explosion erupted in the locker as the osmium steel locker, normally used for volatile weapons storage, struggled to contain the pyre. “Boo-yah grandma!”

    “Whose Grandmum?” asked a puzzled Mumphrey.

    Trickshot fired a few taser arrows for good measure, electrifying the locker. As the explosions died down, the heroes waited for any signs of movement from within the container. Harlagaz rested his hands on his knees, cursing the ground for spinning so. Epitome stood proudly, and he was especially happy to see Glory returning to the island, apparently uninjured.

    “I think it’s over,” breathed Trickshot. He slung his bow over his shoulder and relaxed.

    “Bad call son,” called CrazySugarFreakAdult! as he rejoined the scene. Hurriedly he emptied his entire supply of silly string on the locker. “You just jinxed it.”

    The silly string did no good as the Birthday Bandit shattered the locker from within. There was not a scratch on him, and Sersi’s transmutative abilities had proven more than a match for Fasion Accessory’s. The Bandit threw his head back and laughed.

    “You really have no idea of the power I possess, do you? Allow me to show you, Lair Legion!” The Birthday Bandit began to grow. The powers of Banjoooo and Fin Fang Foom together allowed the villain to reach a size that the King of the Sea Monkeys nor the Makluan could ever hope to achieve.

    “Oh crap,” squeaked Trickshot as his bravado faded. The heroes looked up in fear at the goliath before them, a few of them even taking a few steps back.

    “Buck up, all of you!” barked Mumphrey. “The bigger they are, the harder we put them on their backsides, I say! We won’t have this wanker have his way with us, now will we? Let’s show this bully who’s sandbox he’s playing in, what? Lair Legion, Line up!”

    “He sounds way more encouraging then spiffy,” admitted Kerry as she stepped up next to Fashion Accessory.

    As the various Legionnaires, Junior or otherwise, stared defiantly at their adversary, Hatman, sporting his trademark cap, came running up with a girl sporting too much make-up.

    “Here’s the game plan, team,” ordered the tactical advisor. “Harlagaz, Epitome, Glory, cut his legs out from under him. Fasion Accessory, restrict his movements any way you can. Trickshot, aim for his face. Dream, pull a Rox-Hoff. Kerry, just do your thing.” The Capped Crusader turned to Lisa and Mumphrey. “This is Yo. She’s a thought being, capable of doing anything she sets her mind to. Right now she’s stuck in a teenaged depression, I need you two to bring her out of this. Yo’s the key to defeating the Bandit, so I’m counting on you two.” Mumphrey nodded resolutely.

    “And what will you be doing, fearless leader?” scoffed Epitome. Apparently the teenaged Exemplary Man didn’t have the same respect for authority as his elder self.

    “I’ll be bearing the brunt of his attack. Go!” commanded Hatman as he slammed his Giants hat on his head. Hatman rapidly grew, until he stood three quarters of the size of the Birthday Bandit.

    “What’s a Rox-Hoff?” asked a confused Trickshot.**

    “Just watch, kid.” Dream smiled at the memory of a battle long past before reorienting on their target.

    “Have you finished planning then? Good, I was getting bored. Though you don’t deserve the chance, I felt it would be sporting to allow you time to plot your final battle plan. I don’t want any survivors to have any excuses!” boomed the Bandit. Before he could strike Hatman grabbed his arms and put him in a half nelson.

    “Now!!!” screamed Hatman. Epitome and Glory targeted the back of the Bandit’s left knee while Harlagaz took the right. Trickshot fired a stream of arrows at the colossus’ face, while Fashion Accessory and the Probability Arsonist focused on any man’s weak spot. CrazySugarFreakAdult! was a blur as he exploded combat candy in the titan’s eyes, ears, nostrils, any vulnerable place he could think of.

    Away from the action, Mumphrey and Lisa hurriedly spoke with Yo. “We need your help Yo!” pleaded Lisa. She was at a loss for what to say; while Lisa and Yo were normally tremendous friends, teen Lisa had no memory of the pure thought being and as such didn’t know what to say.

    “Yo is not to be caring. Just to be leaving Yo alone,” sulked Yo. S/he crossed her arms defensively and hugged him/herself.

    “Damn it all woman, if Hatman is saying you’re the key to defeating this bounder then I believe it to be so! You need to stand tall and give him what for!” encouraged the leader of the Lair Legion.

    “Yo is not to be believing that. You don’t know what it’s like to be Yo! People think Yo is stupid for not acting like everyone else, for speaking differently! Yo is tired of it, and Yo wants to be left alone!” Yo retorted. The thought being turned to leave.

    Something of what Yo had said struck a cord within Lisa. “I believe in you Yo,” she murmured softly.

    “What?” asked Yo sharply as s/he turned back to face the advocatrix.

    “I believe in you. I don’t care how you look, how you talk, or what people think of you. What’s important is what you think about yourself. And if you’re happy with the way you are, then damn what everyone else thinks and be true to yourself. I really believe that Yo, and if you really can do anything you set your mind to, then that means I truly do believe in you.”

    The girl that Yo was manifesting as seemed to consider Lisa’s words, and slowly there was a change. The dark make-up disappeared, her skin brightened from pale to a healthy pink, and her clothes changed to a familiar Zorro outfit.

    “You are to be being right, cute-Lisa. Yo must do what Yo thinks is to be right, and Yo is to be helping her cute-friends!” Yo paused quickly to hug her friend before launching herself into the fray.

    “Well done, Lisa, well done,” Mumphrey congratulated her as he patted her on the back. Lisa smiled as she watched her friend enter the battle.

    The Bandit had quickly reversed Hatman’s hold and now the Capped Crusader was struggling desperately to pry the Bandit’s fingers from his throat. Glory gnawed at the Bandit’s hand while Harlagaz pounded savagely on the other. Epitome remained below beating on the Bandit’s kneecap while Trickshot fired his pepper arrows straight up the giants’ nose in an attempt to distract him. CrazySugarFreakAdult! had stopped at the Bandit’s ear and was chattering non-stop trying to disrupt his concentration.

    “Yo thinks you should be stopping now,” said the Yo-being as s/he floated before the Birthday Bandit. “Please to be stopping, Yo-friends.”

    “What? No way!” hollered Epitome as he prepared to renew his assault. Harlagaz stopped him.

    “Our attacks art not having any effect! Let the thought being havest a go!” counseled the Donarson. Inwardly he cringed at the thought of halting any battle, and he hated being thrust into a role of responsibility, but perhaps Visionary’s teachings were actually rubbing off on him.

    “Trickshot, see if you can knock Hatman’s cap from his head,” suggested Mumphrey.

    “Ain’t no seein’ about it, chief. Consider it done,” boasted the archer as he loosed an explosive shaft at the brim of Hatman’s over-sized cap. It detonated and the explosion knocked the hat away, and Hatman rapidly shrunk out of the grip of the Bandit. CrazySugarFreakAdult! caught him and gently eased him to the ground, leaving him in the care of Fasion Accessory, whose attempts at altering the Bandit’s clothing were having little effect anyway.

    “Why should I stop?!” thundered the Birthday Bandit. “Finally I can pay the Legion back for all they’ve done to me!”

    “What has the cute-Legion been doing to you?” asked Yo earnestly. The Bandit was struck by the Yo-being’s sincerity.

    “They’ve never respected me! They’ve always treated me as a joke! Everyone treats me like a joke!” howled the Bandit, rage once again bubbling up within him.

    “Why are you to be thinking that?” Yo posed.

    “They think I’m lame! Everyone thinks I’m lame and pathetic! Ever since high school! Do you know what it’s like to never be good at anything? Every day of the year I’m good at something else. I never had any friends in school or since because I was never consistently good at anything,” said the Bandit.

    “Is it just me or is he shrinking?” Lisa asked Mumphrey. He motioned for her to keep quiet, and for good measure mimed the same to the rest of the team.

    “So you are to be saying that you define who you are by what you can do?” checked the thought being. The Bandit nodded glumly. “Yo knows what that is to being like. Yo can do whatever Yo thinks Yo can do, but people are to be forgetting that Yo is a being that does not like to be doing some things. Yo can be a great painter, but Yo might not be liking painting.”
    “You still have friends though,” sulked the Bandit.

    “Yo's friends love Yo for who Yo is, not for what Yo can do. You could be having of friends too, if you tried,” suggested Yo. “You can be finding people who are to be liking the same things as you. It is not to being mattering what you are good at, but who you are to be being as a person that counts.”

    The Birthday Bandit regained his normal size. The muscles faded, the glow left his eyes, and he seemed to slump a bit. “I suppose you’re going to take me to jail now,” he said dejectedly.

    “No, we are not. You may be going.”

    “What?” exploded Epitome. “He’s a wanted criminal, we have to take him in!”

    “We are to be letting him go. If you are not to be liking, then you are to be free to leave the Lair Legioning. Now,” added the deputy leader of the Legion. She turned back to the Bandit. “You are to be promising to be doing no more criming?”

    “Yeah, I can do that. Thank you,” the Birthday Bandit said earnestly. He turned to leave the island, but Yo’s voice stopped him.

    “Yo is sorry that the Legioning was to be making you feel that way. Very sorry. But, since you won’t be being the Birthday Banditing anymore, what are we to be calling you, so next time we are not to be making fun of you?”

    “Jeff. My name is Jeff. Thank you Yo.” Jeff offered a brief smile for the thought being, then flew away.

    “I can’t believe you just did that!” thundered Epitome. He looked ready to get in the thought beings face when Hatman, restored in age, stood in his path.

    “If Yo believes that this is the right decision, then it is. Stand down soldier, or else ship out,” he commanded. Epitome stared him down for a few moments before turning away.

    “I’ll be in my room,” he threw behind his shoulder as he stalked back into the mansion.

    “I’ll talk to him,” barked Glory as she went after her partner.

    “I think we art to be out of treats,” replied Harlagaz.

    “Well, that was fun,” said Trickshot. “What say we head out and celebrate, Trickshot style!”

    Dream put a hand on the archer’s shoulder. “We can celebrate later, son. Right now we have a wall to fix.”

Footnotes
*As depicted in "Follies of Youth #??+1: Bad Seeds" by the Hooded Hood

**Check out "#15 Untold Tales of the Return of the Lair Legion" also by the Cowled Crime Czar.