Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike
Sat Oct 16, 2004 at 10:01:58 pm EDT
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I hope Yo doesn't mind my shanghaing her character...
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Follies of Youth/Killer Shrike Tie-In


“The Girl from Earth 616”


Takes place after “Follies of Youth Part Eleven”

“Tall and tan and young and lovely… you wanted to see me, boss?” Killer Shrike strode into the Hooded Hood’s drawing room.

“Yes. I have a job for you,” the cowled crime czar stood before his Portal of Pretentiousness, watching the recently de-aged Chronicler watching Lindsey Lohan with his own scrying mirror. He shook his head, “This is why only those with wisdom should have the power to alter reality.”

“What?” the Butcher Bird examined the showering ingénue, “Oh. I dunno, boss: those look real to me.”

“I was referring to the new status quo of the Chronicler of Stories,” the Hood explained impatiently, “the imp’s quest for amusement has set in motion events that could endanger the narrative of the Parodyverse.”

“You mean like we had with Balefire? And Resolution? And the Cowled Crook?” Simon Maddicks shrugged and (having a sudden craving for melon) helped himself to the chamber’s fruit plate, “You’ll find some way to stop it. After all, it’s not like we haven’t been through this song and dance before. When she walks, she's like a samba…”

The Hooded Hood gritted his teeth at the now too familiar lyrics. His pain would soon be replaced by pleasure, however, when Killer Shrike started screaming.

“AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” he cried, when he looked in the Portal and got a gander of his new status quo. Gone was the six and a half foot tall thug with titanium talons and a glossy topknot. Now the Avian Assasin was a teenage girl with lacquered nails and a French braided nylon ponytail.

“Doctor Mango does wonders with cantaloupe. Now, onto the mission,” the Hood said airily.

“I’m a chick. Oh, God, this is my worst nightmare come to life!”

“The effects are temporary. I need you in this gender to complete your task.”

Simon(e) Maddicks felt like crying, “But, you’re the Hooded Hood! Reality is your punk monkey! Couldn’t you just do what you do to undo what needs to be undone?”

“My retcon powers have their limits. For example, if I choose to intervene directly that would allow the entity who benefits from this chaos to reciprocate,” the master villain gestured at the glass, summoning the frightful image of Dark Thugos.

“So this is Old Man of the Mountain Face’s fault?”

“To a point. The Destroyer of Tales sees this as an opportunity to strip the Parodyverse of one factor in the creation of happy endings. In addition to his presence, there is the fact my abilities have been taxed recently, since I have had the need to retcon multiple scenarios where you and Miss Chinato kill each other.”

“Really?” Shrike brightened momentarily, “Do I kill Keiko more than she kills me, at least?”

“Lastly,” the Hood went on, “You have been transmogrified because it is my will. Are you questioning my will, Mr. Maddicks?”

“Uh, uh no. Of course not, boss. You’re the man with the plan. Just tell me what I gotta do to change me back to my manhood.”

The scene in the portal changed again, to a queue of people outside a dilapidated art house theater. The mirror focused on one especially dejected movie goer.

“That looks like one of the Lair Legion. Whassername… Yo! If Yo were a teenage girl, er boy. Nope, girl again.”

“It is in fact Yo. The thought being has been transformed by Eddie’s magicks, and is undergoing a bit of an existential crisis.”

“That why s/he’s in line for a Fellini film festival?” Shrike pointed to the building’s marquee.

“Indeed.”

Killer Shrike adjusted himself in a decidedly unladylike manner, “OK, so, you want me to kill Weirdy? Not a problem, even if I’ve lost most of my upper body strength.”

The Hooded Hood shook his head, “I need you to assist Yo in combating the forces Thugos will use to destroy the Legionnaire.”

“Man, I hate helping the heroes. It’s such a Deadpool thing to do. No offense intended, boss.”

“Your thoughts on the matter are noted. Now, get changed into more pedestrian attire so you may better ingratiate yourself to the target.”

“I don’t have to wear heels, do I?”

The Hooded Hood’s face darkened, “Go. Now.”

Killer Shrike beat a hasty retreat, leaving the Nobbler Ne Plus Ultra alone to his tormented thoughts.

“Tall and tan and young and lovely
The girl from Ipanema goes walking
And when she passes, each one she passes goes – ah”


Next: The only person who can save Yo from her metaphysical angst is a man wearing a topknot. OK, maybe he’s not exactly a man anymore, but he has a big manly job to do and he won’t let anything stand in his way. Not even an Appuffylipitan warlord and his pack of rabid stoats. Hopefully ag hasn’t made a Steppenwulf parody yet, otherwise I’ll need a new villain. By tomorrow.

Does a story like this really need footnotes?

Earth 616: KS’s homeworld, it’s where he escaped from to come here. Big mistake on his part.

Offenders Assemble!: Given Hatman’s story that featured teen Sorceress and Goldeneyed, I’m assuming “Follies of Youth” takes place before the Transworld Challenge. Unless (in my hope beyond hope), the world’s grumpiest non-team is still together after the LL takes out the Gamesmaster.

Doctor Mango: showed up in another round robin a while back. She sent the Legion a complementary fruit basket which, when eaten, turned them all into young nubile girls. It sounds funny, until it happens to you.






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