Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike
Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 12:50:54 pm EDT
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My humblest apologies to Kirby fans everywhere.
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Follies of Youth/Killer Shrike Tie-In Part Two


You and Me Against the Fourth World


With all apologies to anyone who had plans on making up their own Apokalyptian villains. I’m sure there’s a way to destroy these bozos and replace them with parodies more to your liking.

“Who?!” challenged Splendiferous Stuart, firebrand of Apuffylips, “Who among you is willing to be destroyed for Dark Thugos?”

The throngs of alien mercenaries, necro-cyborgs, and the haredaemons screamed their interest in such a proposition. The concourses outside Thugos’s castle were crammed with the scum of the Parodyverse, eager to spread their scumminess throughout infinite space.

One voice, however, was enough to squelch the enthusiasm of the others, “I will go,” Grendlarg, scion of Dark Thugos himself, rumbled from his prison deep beneath the city, “Let me free, and I will make sure my father gets exactly what he needs.”

Stuart blanched, “Er, no thank you, Grendlarg,” he shouted in the direction of the nearest sewer grate, “I think we’ll, uh, just make due without your help. You just go back to grinding bones for bread. Heh.”

The slick haired stem winder whispered to the figure that stood in the shadows of the castle’s parapet, “The last thing we need is to let that monster loose. Grendlarg’s what the earthlings call ‘bug-f*** crazy.”

Torkamahda smiled thinly, “He’s also half-Maxellian, which means he has super hearing.”

“Ah, yes. Then we definitely won’t let him out.”

A figure dressed in gaudy Renaissance garb took advantage of the calm created by Grendlarg’s pronouncement, “If anyone should go it should be I, Kwatrain, the finest assassin in the cosmos!”

“Apparently he doesn’t read World Class,” Torkamahda mumbled as he fiddled with his atomic thumbscrews.

Another man rose to challenge Kwatrain, “Pfah! This quest does not require treasonous subtly nor effete lute-playing. It calls for skill and decisiveness. That is why I, Steppenstoat, am best suited to wreak havoc on my lord’s enemies.”

Kwatrain sniffed dismissively at Steppenstoat, “Your time is past, old man. Why don’t you go play with your weasel?”

“Stoats!” the general’s nostrils flared from above his handlebar mustache, “I command a legion of stoats!”

“That’s hardly something to brag about!” Kwatrain shot back.

Torkamahda coughed softly. The effect was the same as Grendlarg’s bellow.

“We need a decision,” the Minister of Torment said, “Who will be sent to destroy the Yo-being, risking a plummet into the Fever Blisters of Apuffylips if he fails?”

Splendiferous Stuart considered the two best options. He decided on Steppenstoat. At the very least, his (and his weasels’) absence would allow the servants to fumigate the castle.

“To me, my Ermines of Destruction!” the Apuffylipian warlord donned his ridiculously baroque helmet and mounted his lead stoat, “Through the Zoom Tube and to our destiny!”

“Well, then,” Splendiferous Stuart watched the pack of giant mammals charge through the extra-dimensional gate that would take them to Paradopolis, “the game is afoot. Think ‘Stoat has a chance?”

The cloaked Torture King shrugged, “He was once the finest warrior of Apuffylips. I don’t see why not.”

Next time: We find out “why not.”

Footnotes for the Kirby impaired:

Apuffylips: is, of course, a parody of Apokalips, planet of evil, home to Darkseid and his minions. Apuffylips is (or maybe was) ruled by Dark Thugos, the PVB’s version of Darkseid and current Destroyer of Tales. Apuffylips is a place of doom and gloom, where nothing nice happens and if anything does, those responsible are tossed into the Fever Blisters of Apuffylips, mile deep lakes of plasma that power the planet’s machinery of destruction.

Splendiferous Stuart: looks and dresses like a televangelist. Using his awesome powers of persuasion, he has earned the role of ruling as Dark Thugos’s proxy.

Grendlarg: the one armed son of Dark Thugos is an insanely powerful brute who has been locked away by the Apuffylipians because he is also insanely insane.

Torkamahda: Minister of Torment, was the chief vizier of Dark Thugos and now serves the same role with Splendiferous Stuart, albeit with a lot less toadying.

Kwatrain: don’t let the Ren Fest Wear fool you, this Machiavellian assassin type is a dangerous adversary. The probable reason Kwatrain wasn’t sent to kill Yo is because he recognizes it as a fool’s errand.

Steppenstoat: Aged uncle to Dark Thugos, the Harrier of a Thousand Worlds has seen better days. His mission to Parody Earth may be his last chance of proving himself.





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