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Post By The Hooded Hood Wed Jun 02, 2004 at 01:51:59 pm EDT |
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The Night before Doom - a tale of the Parodyverse | |
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| The Night Before Doom! - a story of the Parodyverse “So we wait until the enemy’s attention is distracted and then we trigger off the second charge, releasing a shrapnel-wrapped tritium device at ground zero, guaranteed to wipe out anything living in a quarter mile radius,” concluded the chief conspirator. “Or,” suggested Ham-Boy, “we could study and then take the exams.” “Bah,” sulked the chief conspirator, hurling her cigarette lighter aside and crossing her arms over her Visionary-may-be-fake-but-he’s-a-real-pain-in-the-ass t-shirt. “You people have no imagination. I bet they give you extra points for finding innovative ways of passing the test.” “In San Quentin,” spiffy noted. “Or wherever they send girls to prison.” “We could ask Flapjack,” Glory the mutt of might suggested via her woof-to-voice modem. “He has a variety of videotapes about women’s penal reform institutions and the radical methods sometimes used to attempt social reintegration.” “You’re all missing the point,” groaned Samantha Bonnington. “The exam is tomorrow and Visionary won’t sleep with me.” “Fear not, fair Fashion Accessory,” Harlagaz Donarson, demihemigod of thunder assured her. “I hast already worked out how to passeth yon exam. Surely it doth count if one wrestleth yon teacher to the ground and poundeth him into unconsciousness?” “I don’t think so, big guy,” spiffy told him regretfully. “But try it anyway.” The junior Lair Legion were gathered together for last minute cramming in Kerry Shepherdson’s bedroom in Visionary’s condo. They were surrounded by what books and notes they had actually managed to get on the somewhat eclectic course for neophyte superheroes run by the LL. “This sucks so bad,” scowled Kerry herself. “It’s not like we learned anything useful.” “Oh, I don’t know,” frowned Fashion Accessory. “I thought Lisa’s tutorial on How to Win a High Speed Chase in High-Heels and a Bustier was pretty helpful.” “Mayhap,” shuddered Harlagaz. “Now let us never speaketh of it again.” “I shouldn’t have to be here at all,” complained spiffy. “I was a founder of the damned Lair Legion. I should be setting the tests not…” he picked up a random set of notes, “not having to study How To Talk a Suicidal Supervillain off a Ledge. Just let ‘em jump and SPUD will clean up the mess.” “We have learned many useful things,” Glory argued enthusiastically. “Thanks to the Lair Legion I now know how to profile a serial killer, how to go undercover as a prostitute, how to outrun a tornado in a car, and how to pop a nose-wheelie on a motorcycle. At least in theory.” “All things a super-dog really needs to know,” Ham-Boy pointed out. “Do we have any idea what’s going to come up in this test?” “Nats hinted we might get How to Drink an Enemy Under the Table,” Fashion Accessory remembered. “but then, he’s been very depressed lately.” “Eat normal sized meal not Chinese or sushi, get opponent to eat Chinese or sushi, drink glass of stout beer an hour beforehand, use straight shot liquor, stand throughout the contest…” reeled off Kerry. “Hey, I remember this stuff.” “With respecteth to yon fair Probability Dancer, would it not be besteth to smite yon opponent with yon whiskey bottle and thus claimeth victory?” “I just hope we don’t get How to Deliver a Baby While Under Super-Villain Attack,” shuddered spiffy. “I still get flashbacks to when Christopher Waltz was born.” “Hey, you only have to do the delivery,” objected FA. “We got lessons from Lisa about how to give birth while battling supervillains!” “Yeah,” agreed Kerry. “But then she did teach us how to strangle a man with our thighs.” “Urk”, said spiffy. “I have memorised most of the Rogues Gallery,” Glory announced, “but I still tend to confuse Wang and Kink.” “I don’t think Kink will come up,” Ham-Boy announced confidently. “I heard Falcon saying his continuity is so confusing now even the experts can’t get it right.” “I think we’ll get Fending Off the Undead,” Kerry suggested. “I saw the librarian talking with Xander the Improbable. I bet they’re setting something up.” She scowled. “I’m smuggling a napalm canister in with my lunchbox just in case.” “I hate fending off undead,” complained spiffy. “I was a vampire for a little while and it gives you this whole new perspective.” “And proves that not all vampires are cool,” noted Samantha cruelly. She checked her notes. “Do you think Combat Uses for a Tampon will come up?” “I’m praying not,” answered Ham-Boy. “I’m really hoping we’ll get History of the League of Improbable Gentlemen or Human-Sea Monkey Relations. Or maybe Cosmic Entities That Aren’t Totally Dead Yet.” “Mayhap we might slay some more and so maketh yon exam easier?” speculated Harlagaz. “We hath until the morrow.” “I’d better phone out for more pizza,” sighed Kerry. “I can’t think why nobody has taught us How To Charge Things To Visionary’s Credit Card Over the Telephone. Except that would be redundant. Hello, Luigi’s Pizzamat…?” Author’s Note: I usually don’t consciously swipe jokes but many of the topics mentioned in the story above are shamelessly copied from The Action Heroine’s Handbook, ISBN 1-931686-68-8, which also covers topics such as How To Disguise Yourself As a Man, How To Fend Off a Sexually Harassing Trucker, How To Own the Dance Floor, How To Outwit a Sasquatch, and How To Deal With a Gorilla in the Mist. Worryingly, I borrowed the book off my wife. Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2004 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2004 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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