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Post By Fashion Accessory (via HH) Thu Jun 03, 2004 at 05:16:25 pm EDT |
Subject My totally cool picks Originally The Junior Lair Legion Programme Multiple Choice Exam Paper |
In Reply To HH invites the heroes of the Parodyverse to try out the questions the youngsters have to face 9and suggest any others you'd like to add) Thu Jun 03, 2004 at 09:17:20 am EDT |
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| The Junior Lair Legion Programme Multiple Choice Exam Paper Write-in answers are allowed. Do not write on both sides of the page at once. Superhero Name: Fashion Accessory Alternate superhero description (e.g. capped crusader, wired wonder): the superheroine of style, the champion of chic, the catwalk crusader Cutesy nickname (e.g. Coat Rack, Dancy, Fake Man): FA No telling, but I can say it’s a French designer cut silk original. Section One: Superhero Etiquette: 1. You have just captured Professor Manyarms, and now there is a raging turf war going on between the Office of Paranormal Security and the Super-Menace Principal Undercover Division about who has jurisdiction about the arrest. Do you: I pout, breathe deeply, use some lip rouge, and then I guarantee they’ll have completely forgotten where they’d got to in their arguments. 2. In combat with VelcroVixen, her halter top somehow comes loose in your hand, leaving her somewhat short in the costume department. Do you: I point out that if she’d not bought such cheap Taiwanese knock-off slutware she wouldn’t be having these problems, and frankly given her sag difficulties she really might want to rethink the whole femme fatale thing. I mean really, isn’t that whole sleazy leather and fishnet look so last week? No wonder she always loses. 3. You’ve just arrived at the crime scene and there’s an unknown super-type leaning over the body. Do you: Take a quick look at their uniform. Are we talking studly in designer Calvin Klines or dorko in some underpants-on-top getup his mother knitted for him? If it’s the former then it’s dinner á deux at the Twin Tower restaurant. If it’s the latter then point him out to Donar or Hammy or somebody and let them do the tedious hitting thing. 4. The Yurt wants your submarine sandwich. Do you: He can have it. I need to diet more anyway. And let’s face it, getting some wholemeal rye with low calorie dressing can only do that breath problem of his some good, right? 5. You discover that you are now retconned to be another of the Hooded Hood’s children (or, if spiffy, retconned again). Is your first reaction: Okay, I can totally deal as long as I don’t have to change my name to Samantha Hood or Samantha Winkelweald. Section Two: Heroes and Villains 6. Peter von Doom is about to blow up the world again, and only you can talk him away from the big red lever. What do you say? I say what’s with the metal mask deal? I mean is it really bad acne or was he frightened by a kettle as a baby? And doesn’t he get, like, really bad nose-chafing from the metal? Maybe if he tried a little face lotion he wouldn’t be out to conquer the world all the time. 7. NTU-150 entrusts you with his newest invention, the Bautistamatic Electronic Toothbrush. Do you: I run. I hide. I’m still having combat flashbacks to the Bautistamatic hairdryer. 8. You’re facing off against your evil double. Do you: Well, first we need to make sure we colour co-ordinate. I mean we can clash physically but it would be totally gross if we clashed in terms of shade or fabrics or accessories. I’m thinking I could go with basic green with yellow highlights and she might take burgundy with the same yellow highlights? 9. Wang the Conqueror is back in the latest interminable Round Robin, and only you can stop him. Do you: I am not fighting anybody called Wang, and that’s final. Plus, if he really does have that sock thing, how can he see out? What’s he trying to say? “Fear me, I have footwear over my face?” 10. The diabolical Dr Moo has poisoned you so you have one hour to live. Do you: An hour? That’s just enough time to max all my credit cards. Section Three: Coping With Crisis 11. You’re late for that all-important date/job interview/school exam but your archenemy is tearing up central Paradopolis. Do you: These archenemies can be really inconsiderate, as if it’s all about them. I mean, I have a social life, you know, and I can’t keep breaking off just because they’ve kidnapped another busload of nuns or something. It’s thoughtless and self-centred. I would have to give them a piece of my mind. Who do they think they are? 12. During the battle, your sweetheart is about to fall to her death off the Englehart Bridge, the archvillain has just set fire to a busload of orphans, the negativity-bomb is ticking down to zero and will kill half the hemisphere, the snoopy girl reporter has just taken a picture of you with your mask torn off, and your tights have ridden up really badly. What do you deal with first? I ignore the sweetheart, it was probably getting old anyway and he was last week’s model. Orphans burn kind of slowly I think, so I’d leave them and work on the bomb-thingie. The snoopy girl reporter’s going to be too busy finding all her clothes have changed to candy floss to do anything like take photos. And the tights riding? Please. That sort of thing just doesn’t happen to me. I thought these were supposed to be realistic scenarios. 13. Hit by the villain’s mutation ray, would you rather be transformed into: Britt Ekland about the time she did The Wicker Man. 14. You are wrongly accused of a crime you didn’t commit by a world that hates and fears you. Do you: I totally go on Agrah in the Afternoon and tell the world what I think of it. 15. It’s one of those massive all-the-heroes vs all-the-villains battles, and you have to pick an opponent. Do you go for: A. Pudu Lad. That way you have lots of free time to get your shopping done before the good TV starts. No way do I go near him. He’s probably smelly and unhygienic, and fur is so out this season. B. Onslaughter. Nothing builds a rep like major head trauma from an A-list hero-stomper. He’s got that whole metal armour and bone ridges look but really what goes well with that? I’d just tell him where spiffy was and what spiff said about his mother and move right on. C. Gamona the Assassin. I mean c’mon, she only wears tattoos, who’s not going to wrestle with her? Eew. And tattoos are so Christina Aguilera these days. Eew. D. Roni Y. Avis. Sure, he’s not a major threat, but internet spam is just so damn annoying. I guess if I have to I could club the little geek for a while until someone more interesting came along. Can I fight De Brown Streak? E. The Parody Master. Death is better than having to do more exams tomorrow. No way do I go near him and get Harlagaz splattered all over me. Hand in your papers at the end of the period. Do not include an combustibles, meat products, or undergarments. Are naked picture bribes allowed? Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2004 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2004 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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