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Post By Kerry Shepherdson (via HH) Thu Jun 03, 2004 at 09:03:53 pm EDT |
Subject The only way this test could suck more is if Visionary wrote more of the questions Originally The Junior Lair Legion Programme Multiple Choice Exam Paper |
In Reply To HH invites the heroes of the Parodyverse to try out the questions the youngsters have to face 9and suggest any others you'd like to add) Thu Jun 03, 2004 at 09:17:20 am EDT |
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| Superhero Name: I don’t have a superhero name. Superhero names are stupid, especially if you’re not a superhero *cough*fake man*cough*. And why hasn’t anybody yet worked out that my sister is actually [rest of sentence blotched out by ink blot] Alternate superhero description (e.g. capped crusader, wired wonder): I told you, it’s all for geeks. I mean, they call spiffy the ferned phenomenon and stuff, so that proves it. Cutesy nickname (e.g. Coat Rack, Dancy, Fake Man): A hot time on the old town tonight  I don’t know why he’s even asking. He’s gotta know by now, the amount of time he spends pawing though the laundry basket. Let’s just say the padding was a thin layer of semtex triggered by a very twitchy movement sensor and leave it at that. Section One: Superhero Etiquette: 1. You have just captured Professor Manyarms, and now there is a raging turf war going on between the Office of Paranormal Security and the Super-Menace Principal Undercover Division about who has jurisdiction about the arrest. Do you: Okay, ignoring for a moment the massive unlikelyhood of me capturing anyone called Professor Manyarms (despite some probably relevant dating experience) why the hell are SPUD and OPS arguing about jurisdiction? Why the hell aren’t they putting the fires out? 2. In combat with VelcroVixen, her halter top somehow comes loose in your hand, leaving her somewhat short in the costume department. Do you: Hey, if her halter top comes off that easy, how about her hair? Let’s see if that’s a wig, and if not, well hair burns pretty well when doused with methalated spirits, right? 3. You’ve just arrived at the crime scene and there’s an unknown super-type leaning over the body. Do you: See these questions don’t give you enough information. Do I have my bazooka with me? Cause if so the crime scene’s shortly going to be in kit form. If not, I say hi to the guy and loan him a hand grenade but not the pin. 4. The Yurt wants your submarine sandwich. Do you: Okay, he can had the buttie, but first he’s got to do Kerry a little favour. This will teach Visionary not to confiscate the TV remote control. 5. You discover that you are now retconned to be another of the Hooded Hood’s children (or, if spiffy, retconned again). Is your first reaction: Great, my sister’s not [ink blot] any more, and I finally get to move out of Visionary’s funky-smelling condo. Section Two: Heroes and Villains 6. Peter von Doom is about to blow up the world again, and only you can talk him away from the big red lever. What do you say? Pull it. 7. NTU-150 entrusts you with his newest invention, the Bautistamatic Electronic Toothbrush. Do you: Everybody gets so hyper about Enty’s experiments. I think they’re great. I pack the toothbrush in a thin metal sheath filled with nails and lead pellets, crank it up to Whiter Than White, and find a villain’s pocket to slip the thing in then retire immediately. If no villain then maybe Nats or somebody. 8. You’re facing off against your evil double. Do you: We absolutely team up to conquer the world. Or maybe to discuss boys. Or both. 9. Wang the Conqueror is back in the latest interminable Round Robin, and only you can stop him. Do you: Wang seems like a pretty inflammable guy. So while he’s dorking about making his big gloating speech maybe quietly staple a Chinese firework to the back of his sock? Say a Nukem Thunderbuster, repacked with some aerosol propellant? I guarantee he’ll go back to the future the hard way. 10. The diabolical Dr Moo has poisoned you so you have one hour to live. Do you: Like I’m going to put this one in writing when fako-guy is marking it. He get’s all twitchy every time the doorbell rings and it’s a football team wanting to take me out on a date. If I answered this one properly he’d probably go catatonic, and then who’ll microwave the toast? So, um, get a pizza. Yeah, that’s what I’d do. Lots of hot steaming pizza. Section Three: Coping With Crisis 11. You’re late for that all-important date/job interview/school exam but your archenemy is tearing up central Paradopolis. Do you: Hey, I’m already late so what’s another half hour of things exploding between friends. I didn’t want the geeky job anyway, the date is probably lame, maybe some kind of Mayor or other, and a broken fingernail is enough to keep me from getting to an exam on time. So let’s strap up the napalm, boys. We have work to do. 12. During the battle, your sweetheart is about to fall to her death off the Englehart Bridge, the archvillain has just set fire to a busload of orphans, the negativity-bomb is ticking down to zero and will kill half the hemisphere, the snoopy girl reporter has just taken a picture of you with your mask torn off, and your tights have ridden up really badly. What do you deal with first? Hey, how come my sweetheart’s a girl? I mean sure, big sis gets experimental but I’m a meat-and-two-veg kinda gal. Anyway, if my sweetie’s been so lame as to get caught by the archvillain in the first place and can’t escape, won’t I be doing the gene pool a favour by letting him go splat? So I go for the archvillain, because really setting fire to orphans’ buses is my job. I’m figuring a negativity-bomb down his pants will spoil his day. As for the snoopy girl reporter, I strangle her later with my ridden up tights, okay? 13. Hit by the villain’s mutation ray, would you rather be transformed into: The Yurt. That would be soooo cool! 14. You are wrongly accused of a crime you didn’t commit by a world that hates and fears you. Do you: Why am I always blamed? Every time the Condo bathroom catches fire it’s like “Kerry, did you bring liquid hydrogen into the house again?” Like it couldn’t have been Fleabot or Zebulon that wired Visionary’s bedframe to the mains. 15. It’s one of those massive all-the-heroes vs all-the-villains battles, and you have to pick an opponent. Do you go for: Me, I go straight for that Third Degree sleaze and pound him to jelly. I mean he actually thinks his mutate powers to set things on fire makes him cool. Like you need mutate powers! There’s more to life than making things burn, and I wanna show this guy that some day. There’s making things explode as well. Hand in your papers at the end of the period. Do not include an combustibles, meat products, or undergarments. I’m not into combustibles this week. Right now I’m fooling around with alkali-based contact poisons that can be sprayed onto paper. Can I get out of here now, while teach is being detoxed? Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2004 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2004 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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