Tales of the Parodyverse

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This is the best Josh Clement can come up with
Mon Nov 29, 2004 at 06:04:17 pm EST
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The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #10 – This Time With Added Crossover, But No Artificial Preservatives
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So… there’s De Brown Streak, caught in the middle of the multi-part crossover, when all he’s really looking for is a little one-on-one time with glamorous alien Pigeon-Warrior Shazana Pel. What poor Josh didn’t know was that before the chat-up Pel had run away from the Lair Legion and was being hunted by arch tool-of-the-Man Mr Epitome. Now Lisa’s summonsed most of the major players into a cave for some reason I don’t readily recall, just after Pel has thwacked Epitome on the back of his head, which is sure to make him irritable when he wakes up. Meanwhile a whole bunch of baddies are setting out to kill Pel, apparently because she interrupted their TV scheduling.

I really don’t know how Josh gets into these things.

Lisa: “Can anybody explain to me why Mr Epitome has a mace-shaped dent in the back of his head? Anybody?”

Pel, fast learner: “He was being a tool of the Man.”

Lisa, looking at the warrior-woman’s mace: “So you clobbered him with the tool of the woman.”

Pel: “Yes. When I use metal weapons I can have my Z-Alloy bands magnify the g-force acting upon them many times, so it was as if I had hit the eunuch with a small mountain.”

Lisa: “Eunuch? Really? I head the rumours of course but… have you checked?”

Pel: “No. Do you think we should?”

De Brown Streak: “Hey, I don’t like the guy, but I think you should wait until he’s conscious before inspecting his wedding tackle. Give the guy a little bit of pleasure.”

Pel: “Very well. Shall we instead inspect the ‘wedding tackle’ of these strange-looking adversaries who are creeping up on us in the shadows unaware that I have very keen vision?”

Professor Manyarms: “She has very keen vision? Why did nobody tell me she had very keen vision?”

Spring-Loaded Man: “Why did nobody tell me she was going to inspect my wedding tackle?”

Lisa: “Time out. Pel is not going to inspect your wedding tackle. I have copyright lawyers, you know.”

De Brown Streak: “Is there a lame villains convention in town? I mean, what is your motivation, men? Apart from the wedding tackle thing.”

Professor Manyarms looks round at his impromptu army. “We cannot allow a new era of brutality to our comrades in villainy,” he announces. “Therefore, my brethren and I have decided to…”

De Brown Streak clobbers him at superspeed. “Sorry, I got bored. Anyone else care to explain. More briefly?”

Grit: “Hey, you can’t just interfere with man during his soliloquy! That’s against the rules too!”

DBS gathers every granule of the man of sand at superspeed and drops him off in Herbert Garrick’s underwear drawer. “Next?”

“You’all might be fast, but you’aint even able to be touching of th’Atomic Bumpkin!”

Shazana Pel thwacks the Bumpkin: “Am I allowed to hit you with a solid metal mace?”

Bumpkin: “I guess that’d be okay. I don’t feel so good, maw.” *crunch!*

Carslbad Carl nudges Spring-Loaded Man forwards: “Jest you take on them there varmints, pardner, and ah’ll be making the luck run your way like only an albino probability cowboy kin do.”

“Or Dancer,” suggests Lisa. “She could do it, and she wouldn’t have to worry about having a big horny belly to keep her gut in, would she? You know what they say about men with big belt buckles, don’t you?”

“Ah’ll have you know I don’t have an inch of…” begins Carl before Lisa kicks him in the chin and renders him unconscious.

Shazana Pel beckons for Spring-Loaded man to come and fight. Spring-Loaded Man thinks better of this, and bounces away.

DBS: “What out for that low roof or you’ll… Never mind.”

Pel looks a bit worried. “Now I have vanquished all of these, do I have to consume all of their curries of surrender?”

“No,” Josh assured her. “Although I’m just a little bit intrigued that of the three elements of the ritual we were talking about in DBS#9 that’s the one you were baulking at. Let’s get back to my place and make beautiful poetry together.”

Suddenly DBS and Pel are gripped round the neck by an angry man dressed in a flag-suit. “Right,” Mr Epitome growls. “As I was saying before, you are both under arrest.”

Lisa: “Hey, wait a minute…”

Epitome: “No, Ms Waltz, I know my duty, and I do not need any interference from you.”

Lisa folds her arms crossly. “Well, if you’re sure. Because here come the other fifty or so supervillains Professor Manyarms brought along to kill Pel.” She sits down on a ledge to watch what happens next. “Carry on.”

And now it’s back to KS for what may be the gripping finale.




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