Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike
Mon Nov 22, 2004 at 07:27:38 pm EST
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It is essential you read DBS #9 before this.
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….Birds Gotta Fly, Part Three: Pigeon Hunt


This story takes place prior to Untold Tales #189, “The Trial of Lee Bookman”

Bates’s Hotel is a dilapidated only on the outside. Its owners keep up the facade in order to dissuade most travelers from inquiring about rooms for the evening. Those who ignore appearances are gruffly turned away by the desk clerk, Carey. And if would be patrons became too inquisitive Carey would use the skills developed as the costumed criminal Pain Saw to make sure they were subdued and disposed of properly. Because Bates’s catered to an exclusive clientele: the super villain. Not the mastermind types, but the little guy, the thug, the one in town for a quick score, in need of a place to stay in order to plan a job or wait until the heat died down from a recent one. If a costume wearing criminal could ever be described as “average,” he or she would be the type looking for a bed at Bates’s.

Carey set up the lobby’s automated sensors and sauntered back to the lounge. Once he passed through the hologram field the hotel’s interior was revealed in all its garish modernity. A large cluster of residents had gathered around the room’s flat screen TV. Professor Manyarms scowled.

“This,” he said, pointing at the live coverage of the aftermath of the battle between the Pigeon Warrior Shazara Pel and the villain Thrum, “is unacceptable.”

*****


“See anything?” Lisa Waltz asked from her perch atop Engleheart Bridge.

Mr. Epitome squinted at the Paradopolis skyline, using a combination of his telescopic and x-ray visions to search for their targets, “Not yet,” he turned his pale blue eyes to consider the woman standing on the adjacent spire, “This would have been simpler if you had summonsed the Thongarrian when she bolted from Misters Boaz and Foxglove.”

“Nope,” the amorous advoctrix caught and smoothed the strands of her hair that were being whipped about by the late autumn wind, “Pel needed a chance to cool off after her dust up with the boys. Bringing her back right away would have just escalated matters.”

“And now that she has allied herself with a wanted criminal and helped destroy government property?” was how Epitome referenced the Pigeon Warrior’s encounter with De Brown Streak and the Sentinoids that hunted him.

“Now, I’m not doing it just to spite you,” she grinned.

The Exemplary Man grunted at the jibe, and continued scanning the area. After a few moments he nodded, “Found them: video store on Parobeck Parkway. You coming?”

“Of course,” Lisa wrapped her arms around Epitome’s neck and held on as he leapt towards the city. She had a feeling DBS and Pel would need an attorney once the Man of Might caught up with them.

*****


“How much longer will we stand by and let this happen?” Manyarms exhorted the others, “Allowing these heroes to violate the rules of conduct that have governed our association?”

“Yes, only the villains should be allowed to break the rules,” Crosshairs smirked from his easy chair.

The Multi-Limbed Malefactor ignored him, “We have become targets, victims; letting the heroes take the initiative. That was bad enough. Now, they attack us with impunity, committing grievous bodily harm, or worse, with no fear of consequences.”

“Welcome to John Ashcroft’s America,” the Captor philosophized.

“I’m tired of that defeatist attitude. I say we strike back. Hunt down this alien and show her we will not allow this type of behavior to continue.”

“Man’s got a point,” Grit noted.

“Yeah. It’s time to give these heroes what for,” Spring Loaded Man flexed his coils.

“I’m up for joinin’ this posse,” Carlsbad Carl agreed, “What about you, Atomic Bumpkin?”

“Ooo Whee! I’m on this like a duck on a June bug,” the radioactive hillbilly enthused in the broadest stereotype possible.

Several other costumed villains agreed to join the cause, with other Crosshairs begging off.

“Sorry, lads, but I’m just going to kick back here and wait until the Powers That Be reschedule the Contest of Killers. You have fun, though.”

Once the others filed out to prepare for the hunt, Carey asked Crosshairs, “Not interested in doing a freebie?”

The assassin whose namesake was tattooed around his right eye flipped open his cell phone, “The idea’s good. I just object to their chosen method of execution.”

So he went ahead to contact those who would do the executing for him.

*****


One especially brave video store clerk politely suggested to Shazara that it might be better if she left her battle mace outside. Pel’s response was a graphic oath describing what exactly she would do with the weapon if the “facially blemished adolescent” dare speak to her again.

“You know, that’s really not the best way to win friends,” Joshua Clement observed as he returned with one of the store’s copies of The Two Towers.

“Asking a Thongarrian warrior to divest herself of her weapon is akin to asking you to remove your… kabob,” she smiled grimly.

“Noted. So, you ready?”

“I am still searching for those bitter, many hued confectionaries shaped like children. The MPL’s vending units carried them and they were quite delicious.”

“Sour Patch Kids,” DBS nodded, “They’re in the checkout aisle. Shall we?”

Just as the pair was ready to link arms the ground before them gave way and the Outcasts burst in.

“Nice going, Smellhound!” Gunsman told the team’s tracker as he opened fire with his twin Uzis. De Brown Streak reached out and caught every bullet, halting a potential bloodbath.

“Jeez, these losers!” Josh dropped the slugs and stripped Gunsmen of his considerable arsenal. Then he laid him out with a perfect uppercut, “What do they want?”

“Your life! And the alien’s!” The Man with Two Chins explained before being kicked in the solar plexus by Shazara. Smellhound gave a feral growl and leapt at the Pigeon Warrior, but was stopped when DBS intervened and jammed the store’s supply of beef jerky down his muzzle.

“Good boy,” he said, punching Smellhound repeatedly, “Sit.”

Shazara was busy as well, taking flight and hammering Man Hamster through row after row of the Comedy Section with a single swipe of her mace, and parrying a strike by the lumbering Oaf, “What are these creatures?”

“The Outcasts. A gang of underground mutate villains. I guess they’re here to give physical expression to their feelings of inadequacy in re yours truly.”

De Brown Streak snatched up the Human Grenade and dragged him out to a shipping lanes buoy 40 miles offshore before the criminal could detonate. He returned just in time to hear Sgt. Snail’s correction.

“We’re here to destroy the Pigeon Lady, and collect a huge fee for doing it!”

Shazara snorted and brained the mollusk right between the eyestalks. DBS made quick work of the lumbering Oaf and the two teamed up to finish off Unpossible Man, causing him to burst in a shower of stones.

*****


Mr. Epitome used his x-ray vision to keep one eye on the battle in the store above while the other was on Dung Beetle. He grabbed the mutate by the thorax and hurled him bodily into the Mole Pirate’s subterranean schooner. The ship was smashed to flinders from stem to stern, dropping its captain and into the underground river and sweeping him away by the current.

Lisa snatched away Demon Fish’s harpoon gun and drove a spiked heel into his unprotected snout. He shuddered and fell. Miss Waltz finished up by summonsing the endangered Mole Pirate and letting Epitome beat the blind buccaneer senseless.

“That passageway,” he pointed upward, “leads to Mr. Clement and High Warrior Pel. We’re only going to get one chance with this. I’ll grab Clement while you restrain her.”

The First Lady of the Lair Legion gave Epitome a facetious “thumbs up”, and then considered the digit once he vaulted off. Withdrawing an emery board, she began filing in hopes of evening the chipped nail.

“Man’s got to learn some time,” she said of the American Archetype, inspecting her work against the glow of the luminous fungus that dotted the cavern.

*****


“Not bad, babe,” the sepia speedster smiled winningly at Shazara, “for a couple of abominations.”

That was when Mr. Epitome smashed through the floor himself, ambushing DBS and slamming him up against the wall of new releases, pinning him.

“Joshua Clement, you are under arrest for violation of the Mutate Registration Act, willful destruction of government property-“

“Let go off me, ********!” De Brown Streak warned, “I mean it!”

“- threatening a law enforcement officer,” Epitome droned on.

De Brown Streak struggled without much effect. He was much , much faster that the Paragon of Power, but nowhere near as strong. And braced as Epitome was, with one hand firmly grasping his wrist and the other pressing the mutate’s head to the wall, there was little chance in breaking free.

“Tool!!!” Shazara screamed, swinging her battle mace with both hands. The blow caught Mr. Epitome at the base of the skull. His eyes rolled skyward and he collapsed, unconscious.

Josh turned around and stared at the downed Legionnaire, then at Shazara, who was breathing heavily.

“You OK?” he asked, trying to rub the feeling back into his wrist.

She managed to nod.

I summons Epitome, Shazara, and De Brown Streak!

“Now then,” Lisa began as the trio materialized, “Let’s see if we can - Holy Cats!”

She looked at the tableau before her in the dimly lit cave under Paradopolis. Whistling softly, she checked her watch to in order to keep track of the billable hours.

“This isn’t going to be good,” Lisa predicted, “for almost everybody.”

Next: Rampaging super villains out for blood. A ticking time bomb in an unconscious Mr. Epitome. Shazara’s crisis of faith. These are the plot points that need to be resolved. So who’s up for it? Anyone? Anyone?

You Can’t Tell the Villains Without a Footnote

Who are all these losers?: Most of the bad guys mentioned can be found in Who’s Who in the Parodyverse. Professor Manyarms, Carlsbad Carl the Albino Probability Cowboy, the Captor and the Outcasts all have entries. The Smellhound is a new edition to the Outcasts: some one specifically made to have the powers necessary to track down Shazara and DBS. The others are all villains I’ve referenced before.

Grit, the Granulated Man: Brick Bassalt was a noted tomb robber who broke a mystical hourglass hidden in one of the lost temples of Egyptian necromance Ku Ku Ka Chu, granting him the power to transform himself into living sand. First Appearance: Mr. Epitome #14.

Spring Loaded Man: is a metallic villain whose neck, limbs, and torso have been replaced by powerful coils. Armand Braithwaite has super strength and the ability to stretch his springs long distances. First Appearance: Welcome to the Lair Legion, Mr. Epitome: Springing Into Action.

Atomic Bumpkin: Nermy Tullis was an Ozark Mountain Boy who drank moonshine accidentally made from “hard water.” This gives him the powers to generate and release massive amounts of heat and radiation. First Appearance: Mr. Epitome/Dancer: Shattered Worlds, Part Three.

Crosshairs: is a noted assassin in the Bullseye/Deathstroke vein. He wields a variety of high tech weapons and wears a protective body suit. He came to Paradopolis months back in order to participate in the Contest of Killers, a tournament to determine who the Parodyverse’s Greatest Assassin is now that the Confiscator is dead. The Contest was put on hold when a new Confiscator appeared. This mercenary was in fact the disguised heroes Dark Knight and Fin Fang Foom, and now that this is common knowledge among the underworld there is interest in starting up the tournament to fill the vacancy. First Mention: Mr. Epitome #29









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