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Post By The Hooded Hood Sun Jul 25, 2004 at 08:34:27 am EDT |
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Why Lisa is a Legionnaire | |
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We’ve never heard how the three Waltz children were orphaned, or how young Timothy was adopted by the Butelier family and later grew to be the hero known as Jarvis. But we do know that Daio and Lisa were taken to the grim orphanage of the Little Sisters of Discipline, a forbidding grey-walled residential school on the edge of hell’s Bathroom.
Daio fit in quickly, her ruthless ambition and determination to dominate quickly raising her to house prefect, senior disciplinarian, and eventually head girl. When she graduated it was as a full-fledged supervillain, the diabolical Dr Moo, and she has never looked back.
Young innocent Lisa had a harder time of it. Flogged on the first day for the sin of wearing a flowery dress she refused to surrender to the rules of obedience, rebelling and struggling during her years as an inmate of the orphanage. During that time she gained the record for escape attempts (somewhere over a hundred of them) and received ever more brutal punishments in reprisal for her behaviour.
It was during her brief bouts of freedom that Lisa developed her independent and amorous persona, another form of escape from the strict regimen of the Little Sisters. But it was from the Black Nuns themselves that Lisa became proficient in combat, and especially in the use of the whip. And it was from the injustice of her childhood years that Lisa decided on her lifetime career as a lawyer, an advocate for those who were oppressed.
After finally escaping from the orphanage for good around the time of Dr Moo’s graduation, Lisa managed to get through law school. We know little of this period of her life, except that in that time she came to have a more… flexible view of the law’s applications and of the role of an attorney and became ever more attracted to the joys of kool-whip.
At the dawn of the current heroic age Lisa was an intern at law firm Coot, Coot, Wellfudge, and Coot, little knowing that her employer was secretly the infamous and unageing Wilbur Parody. It was he who arranged for her to discover and become guardian to the Booke of the Law, a cosmic artefact containing the rules of engagement of the coming Resolution War that will determine the purpose of the Parodyverse. The Booke endowed Lisa with her power to summons anybody from anywhere into her presence to question them. Lisa has a broad definition of the term “question.” Quite often the question is “Does that feel good, baby?”
Lisa was present at Peter von Doom’s attempt to destroy the Twin Parody Towers, aided the heroes who would then combine to form the League of Regulars (later renamed the Lair Legion), and naturally stayed around to see what would happen next because you can’t keep Lisa out of stuff like that.
Some might say Lisa was only interested in getting Jarvis and possibly NTU-150 into bed, but the amorous advocatrix is quite capable of pursuing multiple agendas at the same time. She wrote the League/Legion charter, arranged for the legal transfer of Parody Island to the team’s possession, and set up the liaisons with government and police and anyone else she could charm. In fact Lisa claims she’s not quite finished the charter even now and keeps adding bits when it suits her or to annoy Visionary.
What Lisa works very hard to hide is that she cares very much about people, and especially those who are helpless, and she will go to extraordinary lengths to help them and appear not to care. She is– often literally – intimately involved with the members of the Lair Legion, and many of them originally joined at Lisa’s behest. Nearly all the male members who joined during Lisa’s original tenure are just a little bit in love with her, even the ones who are terrified of her. And all of them would die for her.
Lisa’s great test came when the Hooded Hood eroded all the elements of her life in an attempt to seduce her to his side. Jarvis was retconned to be Lisa’s brother rather than her lover, and turned up with his new fiancée. Lisa’s sextuplets were erased (although they later manifested again combined in Christopher, Lisa’s now-only child). And Mother Superior of the Little Sisters of Discipline arrived again to take Lisa into custody and to correct her once and for all.
In fact Lisa seemed to have finally gone bad, worse than her sister (who was appalled to find that now she was the good one). But the crunch came when she had to decide whether to let the Lair Legion be destroyed, and she elected to give up the last things she had to save the team. This is why Lisa is sometimes called the First Lady of the Lair Legion, the personification of the camaraderie that calls and binds them.
To Lisa the Lair Legion is family – to be abused, manipulated, ignored, insulted, and scorned as family are, but also to be cherished, protected, nurtured, and loved if the chips are down; and the work they do in helping the helpless and fighting injustice are the most important things in the world.
Of course, if Lisa can do that stuff and still pull down a hefty fee and get in a hot kool-whip date as well, then that’s what she’s going to do.
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