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This message Troia’s Complete 21st Birthday Spectacular was posted by HH can't remember if we ever did an omnibus version of this for archive purposes, so here it is. on Tuesday, October 15, 2002 at 16:47.
Troia’s Complete 21st Birthday Spectacular
Chapters One to Twelve
Part One (by Dancer)
[The Scene: Visionary and Cheryl’s condo has been spray-painted pink and purple in readiness for Troia’s surprise 21st Birthday Party]
Vizh: I still do not see why we couldn’t have done this at the Lair Mansion.
Exile: Hey! Every time we have a bash there and some super-villain turns up to trash the place it takes weeks to clear up afterwards.
Vizh: I still do not see why we couldn’t have waited for Cheryl to get back from winning that surprise trip for one to Hawaii to ask her permission.
Dancer: That _was_ a surprise, wasn’t it? What a massive co-incidence.
Lisa: The fact is this place has everything we need for a party - a huge freezer which Enty is even now improving…
Vizh: *shudder*
Lisa: A big coat-closet where Finny can hide…
Finny (sounding muffled): Just practising.
Lisa: Chairs so we can block the coat-closet door when we stuff Ziles in there…
Finny: What? What did she say?
Lisa: And aplenty of space for that big cake that ManMan’s going to jump out of.
ManMan: Yeah, it should be… wait a minute!
Dancer: I can hardly wait.
[Later: Dancer, Donar, and CSFB! have the job of keeping Troia occupied and getting her to Vizh’s condo on time for the surprise party.]
CSFB!: C’mon. We haven’t even started looking at the Stern-era Spideys yet.
Troia: Please! Nine hours of comics without a bathroom break can strain even a battle-trained Amazonian bladder.
Donar: Aye! E’en though we didst peruse the scribings of yon Walt Simonson, the god of comiceths. But fortunately the hemigod of thunder didst find relief by makething use of yon strange bottles under the CrazySugarFreakYouth’s bed labelled Zima.
CSFB!: *splutter*
Troia: I want to go out for a bit. It is my birthday. I should be having, I dunno, presents and cards and stuff.
Dancer: Now Troia, we told you about the Paradiopolis postal strike because of the bad name Messenger was giving mail carriers. People were firing shotguns at them through their mailboxes in stark terror.
CSFB!: What kind of stuff did you do for birthdays back on Amazon Isle? [leers hopefully]
Troia: Most people stopped counting after their five hundredth. But we did do extra spear practise.
CSFB! stops leering.
Dancer, needing a distraction: Excuse me, Troia, but there is a woman in Amazon battle armour out there screaming that she is going to disembowel you and take your men.
CSFB!: Cool!
Donar: Fair Dancer ist most right. It art an Amazon challenging three to mortal combat.
CSFB!: In a mud pit? With loofahs? *Ouch!*
Polypheme 1, Troia’s old classmate: Come on out, you raddled tart, and taste the birthday kiss of a true Amazon!
Troia (with beaming smile): Excuse me, guys. I have to go and have a happy birthday. Oh Polyfeeb…!
[Later again, back in Vizh’s condo]
ManMan: She did what??
Dancer: It’s true. The proctologists are still dealing with the aftermath. Then she made DK go shopping with her.
Hatman: Er, Dark Knight? Shopping?
Dancer: For clothes. Expect mall shoplifting statistics to go waaaay down.
Goldeneyed: It’s okay. Yo went with them. And so did spiffy’s credit card.
spiffy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Banjooooo: They let spiffy have a credit card?
spiffy: I happen to be omni-mayor, you know.
Banjooooo: Well I happen to be King of the Sea Monkeys and all I get are those Readers’ Digest competitions, and let me tell you…
Dancer: I suggested that Troia choose something non-traditional to wear for her birthday. It seems some one [glares at Trickshot] had explained to her about her having to spend the day in her birthday suit.
Trickshot: Hey, I was just trying to help her with man’s world customs, y’know?
Vizh: Is that what they call it these days?
Lisa: Hey, they won’t be long now guys. Time to get ManMan into the cake.
ManMan: I am not getting in any cake. No chance!
Dancer, smiling: Oh, I think there’s a very small chance, Manny. I really do.
ManMan: You wouldn’t…
Sorceress: Need me to magic up an outfit?
Ziles: Need me to design one?
Knifey: *snicker*
ManMan: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Deathstar Druid: YEAGHBLHRAGHRAAAAAAAAUUGHH!!!
Vizh: Hey, that’s the doorbell. It’ll be Nats with the pizza.
G-Eyed: Am I the only one who thinks De Brown Streak should fetch pizza. I mean, we’d get it hot, right?
Vizh (answers door): Okay, I’m the cheese and… Er…
The Hooded Hood: Good Evening.
[To be continued by HH (or whoever)]
Part Two (by Finny)
"Make yourself useful and retcon us some pizza."
The Hooded Hood stood framed in the doorway, his grey robes billowing everywhere, despite the fact that the room had no air current. His glowing-green eyes flashed as he said "I'll thank you to get out of my way, Visionary."
"Hoooooooooooody!!" CSFB! put his arm around HH, giving him a friendly squeeze. "My best buddy in the whole world!!"
Dancer tugged on Finny's wing, and whispered "Whatever happens, don't let him see the outfit we were going to have Manny wear when he came out of the cake."
"I'll let myself in." HH glanced around at Vizh and Cheryl's furnishings, and eventually sat in Vizh's favorite recliner.
Ziles peeked out of the closet. "Lisa, what's going on??"
"Um, nothing, we're still waiting for DK and Troia to get back..."
"DK!!" exclaimed Finny. "He'll know what to do..."
"Quiet, you." HH retconned Ziles on top of Finny, who jumped in a fit of panic, giving Vizh and Cheryl a new skylight.
"Okay, um, everybody, let's just stay calm here...no need to provoke a massive fight..." Vizh whispered.
"Don't worry, I'm the master of calmly talking things out with villains!" CSFB! claimed. "So, HH, how goes it? You must be proud of your daughter, she has a great body...I only know because she likes to go skinny-dipping before office hours start at the mansion, and--"
Dancer muffled CSFB!. "This isn't helping, Dream..."
"I'm getting quite impatient...should my daughter not surface soon, I'll be forced to take drastic measures," HH commented.
"No, no you won't." The Dark Knight, as ever, entered through the window. "Troia is off on her own...and a certain cosmic friend of mine has made it so your retcon-power won't help you find her. You'll have to rely on the knowledge you have of your daughter...how much do you really konw her? I'm curious to see..."
Continued...
Fin Fang Foom
*flies away*
Part Three: A Round of Soda, Anyone? (by Exile)>/b>
"Your friend is only an obsticle my dear friend, Obsticles may be overcome." said the Hood, who, with a gesture, retconned CSFB! into his slave, forcing him to run out of the condo at top speed. "Quite slow service around here..."
"What do you want Hood?" exclaimed Vizh in an unsual burst of bravado.
"Why, Visionary, you know more than most that a villain can also be sentimental. Besides, I mean only to bring my daughter a gift."
At the concluding words of HH's sentence Dream bursts back into the room, a case of his favourite "malted battery-acid" in his arms.
"Here ya go Hoody-master!!"
The Cowled Crime Czar gestures again, this time towards the crowd of onlooking heroes. "Dream, why don't you share your refreshments with the crowd?"
"Right on it, Hoodlum!"
"Master of talking things out indeed." mumbled FFF, while playing with his LL indenticard.
In about three tenths of a second, the entire case is distributed and three bottles lay on the floor beside the constantly-twitching Dream.
"A toast to my daughter." offered the Hood, raising a glass of wine he'd forced CSFB! to also bring along.
The assorted Legion and LOR members follow suit, raising the soda high and all taking a sip... all but the Dark Knight who, at the time was taking a ph test of it. As the soda slid down their collective throats.. it immediately diffused into their bloodstream... the result was some 30 heroes on the ground spasming violently.. and about 15 litres of pop burning through Vizh's carpet.... but the worst hadn't yet come...
Part Four (by ManMan)
"Man, it's dark..."
If Knifey had eyes, he would've rolled them. "Cakes don't usually come equipped with interior lighting Joe..."
ManMan squirmed and tried to make himself more comfortable, but figured that cakes weren't comfortable things to be in in the first place. "Why do so many people jump out of them? What's the point of getting in them in the first place? You're just ruining a good cake!"
"It's the surprise!" Knifey explained. "You can just imagine Troia walking into the room and wondering 'Where is my darling Manny? Oh how I wish he were here...' She's in a grumpy mood the entire time until they wheel out the cake and BOOM! You leap out and say 'Happy Birthday my lovely!' Or whatever..."
"No doubt she'll know I'm in here and start prodding the cake with her spear...."
"Stop being so negative, it's not like the Hooded Hood is out there and poisoning the Lair Legion while you pettily moan about having to be stuck in a cake."
"Yeah," Joe sighed. "I suppose you're right...."
Part Five: If This be My Amoeba! (by Amazing Guy)
As the heroes twitch, Amazing Guy flys into the room carring a bag of party hats.
“What the crap? Hood! What have you done?” he asks.
“Only what I must simpleton.” The Hood replies as he turns Amazing Guy into Aomeba Guy. The former hero sploshes on the ground.
“Now to proceed with my plan..” the Hood muses.
“And what plan, foul nave, wouldst that be?” Donar asks while tearing down the door.
That’s when NTU-150’s fridge modifications overload and the kitchen explodes.
To be continued?
Part Six: A Side Episode (Not really worthy of being called Part VI)- Never Trust A Clown (by Chronic)
A white 1985 Chevy Cavalier pulls up outside the condo and a man in a clown suit gets out. This is no ordinary clown. It's Chronic, Troia's nemesis, ready to crash the birthday party. Like many clowns, he comes bearing a bunch of balloons...unlike most clowns, however, these balloons are filled with highly explosive gas.
And so, the clown approaches the entrance, ready to blow the Lair Legion, and especially the Amazon, sky-high. Unfortunately, when he nears what would be the door, all he sees is a large hole in the wall. The nervous clown slowly walks forward and peers through the opening. Two ominous figures turn and peer back at him.
"Donut? Troia's Dad? Ack! I'm outta here!"
The would-be villain scurries back to his car and speeds away....as speedily as he can in an '85 Cavalier.
Now someone else continue the actual storyline...lol
Part Seven (by Yo)
"Dammit, is my birthday!!!I want some spotlight in this RR of hell…What I am doing here in Women´s secret with DK, who at the same time is pHing some soda at Vizh condo!!!lets go to where the party is, DK or LMD-DK…"
At the condo…After the fridge explosion..
In a Kirbiesque Thor pose by Donar, the warrior shouts " Stop yon foolish attack!!!" And in a less impressive lower voice he adds "Art a good thing Visionary art in most cruel pain..he art not notice his kitchen new decoration…or most fair Cheryl wrath"
HH: "Immortal warrior, stop your challenging…I came here in a break from villains matters. Came to join to My Lovely Daughter Party ..the soda poisoning is just a secondary effect of being a villain my entire life, and now…ah, yes.. here is she coming.."
Troia: "Hiya sweet stuff!!!!. You made it!! Wha??playing with my friends again, old thing? Troia respectfully greeted her progenitor.
ManMan (inside the cake) "Now??"
Knife (inside the cake) "No. Wait here till her 22 birthday ..of course, now!…everything is quiet outside, they must be waiting!!!
ManMan: but..but..I feel ridiculous with this tiny thing in my..ok ok…
ManMan shouting happily at the same time than jumping HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHART…is confronted by a truly embarrassed Troia who is checking his father reaction…stepping inadvertly over the former Amoebae Guy
HH: I think he is happy of seeing you…and, no...don´t say that is Knifey
Troia: Nah..that is not kniffe
Part Eight (by Nats),/font>
Our scene picks up where we left off...ManMan has just popped out of the cake meant for Troia only to meet Troia and her dad, HH, surrounded by spasming LLers and a strange amoeba with a cape...
"Er..." ManMan said nervously.
"Two hands," Knifey assured him.
Troia215 smirked and rubbed her chin as ManMan pulled up his pants. Mysteriously, the icing on the cake relaxed his belt, and they mysteriously slipped off.
The Hooded Hood frowned. "This does not bade well for you. I am sorry, but---" His eyes glowed green.
"Man...that tasted good!" CrazySugarFreakBoy! said of the poisionous soda, standing up. "Got any more?"
The Dark Knight, unsure if he was in this story or not, did nothing.
Suddenly, the door burst open(again), and two figures walked in.
"--and then the Rabbi says to the beaver, 'That was your wallet?' Hahahaha!" Nats exclaimed to his new friend, Deathstar Druid, finishing a joke. In his hand he held three pizzas.
"Man...dead crowd tonight," DD mumbled, looking around.
"Ab..." Nats began. The pizzas fell to the floor. "I'm sorry, did I come at a bad time? I'm just the pizza guy, y'know...I mean..."
The Hooded Hood turned to Nats. "Sorry...you didn't miss much...but I do believe my good daughter's marriage ceremony is starting about now."
Troia: "MARRIAGE?"
ManMan: "M-M-M-Marri---age...."
Knifey: "Marriage, eh? Heh...you're screwed, Joe, m'boy..."
Then the mysterious figure decided to crash the party.
TO BE CONT...BUT BY WHO? AND WHO IS THE MYSTERIOUS FIGURE? AND WHAT'S WITH THE MARRIAGE...HEH...CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT ONE! MWAHAHAHA!
Part Nine (by Hatman)
The Dark Knight's keen senses picked up the mysterious figure before the rest of the room did. He sprang to the door, but was too late to prevent...
"Guys, we're ba-what the hell?!" exclaimed Hatman as he and Sorceress walked into Vizh's condo.
"And I thought I could be kinky," murmured Sorceress.
Standing before the shocked couple was ManMan in a g-string, Troia with a bouquet of dandelions (picked fresh from Vizh's yard), and the Hooded Hood wearing a collar and holding a bible.
"Umm, like, okay, I can deal with this..."muttered Hatman. "You think I can scribble out "Happy birthday" and write "Happy Nuptials" and still have the balloons look decent?"
"Probably not," said Sorceress.
"You always shoot me down," said Hatman, hanging his head.
"Oh, no I don't. How about we take off and I'll make it up to ya?" asked Sorceress, a wicked glint in her eye.
"Umm, should we take off now..." began Hatman before Sorceress bent down to adjust her shoe. "...okaylet'sgohavefunManny,Troia,Hood,ta-ta!"
And THEN an even more mysterious figure showed up...
~Hat~
Part Ten (by De Brown Streak)
And the mysterious stranger is… De Brown Streak! (What, you think I’m going to pass up a chance to star in my own chapter? I mean come on, it’s not like I rate top billing anywhere else, right? Right.)
DBS: “Hold it there, Hood! You may have poisoned the Lair Legion, stolen ManMan’s clothes, and be about to force Troia into a marriage she isn’t ready for, but you forgot one thing!”
ManMan: “Er… actually he didn’t steal my clothes. See, there was this cake full of whipped cream, right, and…”
Knifey: “=snicker=”
The Hooded Hood looks at DBS and speaks in his scariest voice, saying: “Forgotten something? I?”
DBS: “Yes! You forgot that only someone who has either beaten or been beaten by an Amazon in combat can marry her. It’s in all the Wonder Woman comics. And ManMan here has never done either.”
Knifey: “Well, I don’t know. They seem to wrestle an awful lot.”
Troia and ManMan say together: “Knifey!”
ManMan looks worriedly at green glowing eyes of the Hooded Hood. “We were… just practising crimefighting techniques. Honestly.”
Troia: “If that’s how you deal with criminals I’m surprised you don’t have a lot of lawsuits for illegal arrests, ManMan!”
DBS: “But the point is that ManMan can’t marry Troia because of the Amazon law. So there.”
The Hooded Hood laughs a villain laugh. “You assume that ManMan is to be the person on whom I bestow my daughter, Clement. You are wrong.”
ManMan: “Hey, I’m off the hook.” Then he sees Troia’s face, and quickly adds, “which is a real shame, of course. Damn.”
DBS, seeing his secret ID vanish over the horizon: “Huh? I don’t get it then. I thought…”
The Hood: “You Joshua Clement, on the other hand, did once subdue almost all the Lair Legion including my daughter while you were working for the Enthrallress, which makes you eligible to claim her.”
Troia: “Hey, don’t I get _any_ say in this? This birthday party is really starting to suck.”
DBS: “As much as I don’t mind being hooked up to a hot Amazon chick I’m not going to do anything without her consent, dammit.”
ManMan: “And Troia’s my almost-sometimes-girlfriend, also dammit.”
The Hooded Hood gestures, and De Brown Streak gasps as his old enemy, the never-before-mentioned Josiah M’Tuba, the Voodoo Vicar, prowls from the shadows with a service book in his hand.
The Hooded Hood almost smiles. “Of course it is entirely you choice, young people. You are entirely free not to wed, Troia. Of course, then I cannot retcon the lethal poison from the Lair Legions’ bodies as a wedding gift, nor prevent the destruction of the world as you know it which will occur if my daughter is not wed on her 21st birthday, but that it entirely up to you.”
He turns to DBS, ManMan, and Troia. “Your choice.”
Part Eleven (by Xander)
Just at that moment, there was a knock at the door. Momentarily distracted, the bearded witch glanced away, allowing Dancer enough opportunity to dance out of sight.
As the door opened, having not been quite shut properly, (Don't forget Dancer's probability manipulating abilities, folks) a figure in red robes and another in a mackintosh stood there.
"Universal Robot Service Agency, at your service!" the robed figure, which many recognised as Xander the Improbable, cheerfully quipped.
"Let me through, I've got a monkey wrench" he continued, calling to his 'assistant' "Bring the service kit, Con"
The large suitcase/trunk was dragged into the room, to the total bemusement of the witch, taking a path which took a complete loop around her.
Xander then opens the front panel of the robot, and lifts the lid of the trunk, ensuring that the label was away from the witch, as he felt that she should not see the logo "NTU-150 Patent Automotive Jump-Start Tool". The name did get an effect, however, as many of the seasoned Lair Legion regulars started trying to surrepticiously edge away, coversant as they were with many of Enty's little gadgets.
Two large crocodile clips were attached to the robot power cell, and then Xander nipped out through the door to "just plug her in". Ten seconds later there was a major power surge from the robot power supply, which coursed through the iron laced cables around the witch.
There was a loud scream from the witch as she melted away and then flashed in a puff of smoke, leaving a pile of dust, quickly followed by the implosion of the robot's chest.
Just as the group was wondering what was to happen next, Xander popped back in, replaced the tools in the trunk and commented "By the way, I'd use a conventional dust pan & brush on that - I don't think it a good idea to get it too close to anything electrical, and the robot I'll take to Enty - he can use it for spares!"
"Anyway - Happy Birthday, Troia" he continued, passing over a small parcel. Troia, who had almost forgotten it was her birthday, such were the trials of the past hours, opened it to reveal a small device. "It's an enchanted spear sharpener" Xander explained "it will ensure the keenest edge"
Detecting some anomaly in the atmosphere, and ManMan's state of undress, Xander commented "Did I interrupt something?"
"Indeed you did" stated the Hooded Hood, returning from the shadows, "Indeed you did ..."
Part Twelve: Troia’s 21st Birthday Spectacular #12 and A Dark and Stormy Night # 10 – the Conclusions: Troia 215 and the Big Bang
It was a dark and stormy night…
Suddenly the heavens flared and a bright shining star fell through the night sky and hammered down into the sea. Great clouds of steam blossomed across the Caribbean. When they dispersed there was no sign that a high-tech spacecraft had ever been knocked from the skies by an angry Shaper of Worlds called Wilbur Parody.
“The amount of things that crash into this planet,” the Shoggoth complained, “you would think somebody would invent a sort of space-lighthouse or something. If it’s not Makluan saucers it’s Gaaaah-capsules or Skree Sentinoids. We should at least charge for parking.”
The vast proptoplasmic blob eased the ruined vessel onto a nearby island so that any survivors could escape. When it was clear that nobody interesting was coming out of the wrecked vessel he slithered off into the ocean.
The Hooded Hood watched the Shoggoth go. Then he waited.
After a while the galleon appeared on the horizon. The cowled crime-czar continued to observe as it neared the island and two figures came ashore in a longboat. Many years later the Lair Legion would recognise them as Captain Lionmane and the Crazy Old Witch Lady. Guided by the witch’s arcane senses the unlikely pair found their way into the broken craft and retrieved the energy-transfer technology that would make them effectively immortal.
The Hood put the missing component from the device in his pocket and left.
“But Daddy, I don’t want to marry De Brown Streak. I don’t love him!” Troia 215 wailed as her birthday party went very wrong.
“Oh, thanks,” DBS muttered. “Boost my self-confidence, won’t you?”
“But Troiacakes,” ManMan interrupted, “er, I mean, Troia, if you don’t marry him then the Hood won’t retcon the poison in all our friends’ bodies and they’ll die. And he said that if you’re not married by the time you’re twenty-one the world as we know it will be destroyed.”
“I’m confused,” Troia admitted.
CrazySugarFreakBoy! wasn’t so far gone in his intestinal pain that he would pass up an opportunity to see his dreams come true. “About you sexuality?” he asked hopefully. “Ziles is over there…”
“Shut up, CSFB!” spiffy writhed. “That’s my twin sister you’re talking about. And I’m not about to let dad force her into a marriage she doesn’t want.”
“Wait until you see what I have planned for your twenty-first birthday,” the Hooded Hood promised.
spiffy decided that it was safer to go back to retching.
“I mean, I’m confused by the sudden appearance of this bizarre witch-pirate amalgam monster in the middle of my birthday wedding party,” Troia explained. “It seemed somehow familiar.”
“That was the result of a freak power surge through the alien Z’Sox plot accelerator caused by De Brown Streak pushing the button inside Dancer’s altered probability field a few weeks back when you were all in Crusty Seaman Pete’s storm-washed tavern,” Xander the Improbable explained. “You won’t remember it because your father retconned it all.”
“That’s it!” Hatman shouted, stamping back into the room. Sorceress followed with a happy little smile, adjusting her blouse. “I’m playing my get-an-explanation-from-the-archvillain-free card. What the heck is going on?”
“I sort of remember something,” Dancer sort of remembered. “We all went to this tavern and told spooky stories about a… a treasure hunt? And then the lights went out?”
“I remember that bit,” agreed Ziles, slapping Trickshot again just to be certain.
“The villains intended to drain all the heroes’ super-life-forces into their machine,” Fin Fang Foom remembered.
Visionary’s ever-keen mind caught up with the story. “I got a starfish in my soup.”
“I got turned into a starfish,” a caped amoeba on the floor added.
“There was going to be a battle,” the Dark Knight frowned. “And then…”
“Then the plot accelerator cut in and things got a little wild,” the Hooded Hood explained. “And then Troia plunged her spear into the creature and all the plot energies coursed into her. I had only two options, to allow her to explode and take half the planet with her, or to retcon the whole event temporarily.”
“Temporarily?” Lisa puzzled. “Why only temporarily?”
“He only has so much retcon energies,” Sorceress guessed. “He could only delay things, not change them forever.”
“That is correct,” the cowled crime czar admitted. “And unless Troia shifts the energies by today she will indeed critically self-immolate and destroy the world.”
“But I still don’t understand,” the Amazon administrator objected. “Why do I have to get married to do that?”
“Kundalini,” Cobra guessed. “I imagine there is only one way to transfer those energies to another person.”
“Sex?” Lisa suggested. “I could stand in for Troia if it helps?”
“I have to have sex or the world dies?” Troia gasped.
“I’ll do it,” De Brown Streak promised. “Um, to save the planet, that is.”
“Wait a minute,” Exile objected. He was sensitive to the transfer or energies. “Won’t the transfer just mean that her lover will explode instead?”
“Oh yes,” the Hooded Hood agreed, “but we can always teleport somebody else into space.”
“Er…” DBS objected.
“I’m not teleporting anybody anywhere,” G-Eyed insisted. “Not if they’re going to die.”
“Then you’d better start looking for a new planet,” the Hood advised him.
“Fear not, fair Troia,” Donar assured the Amazon. “I canst not yet see how yon situation wilt be resolved by a right good smiting, but I assurest thee that as soon as it becometh clear, I shalt smite it right verily for the nonce.”
“I am getting some pretty weird energy readings from Troia after that monster-pirate-witch thing attacked,” NTU-150 warned. “I think she’s going to go critical.”
“At least you don’t have to be getting married, cute birthday-Troia” Yo consoled his/her friend. “You are only to being to have nookie.”
Banjooooo caught the Hooded Hood’s expression. “Er… I think marriage is, in fact, a prerequisite,” the sea-monkey noted hastily.
“But then I explode!” wailed De Brown Streak.
“Yeah. That’s what I call a bang,” Nats snickered.
The Hooded Hood gestured for Josiah M’Tuba, the infamous if unheard-of Voodoo Vicar, to step forward. “I have no greater wish to see my daughter coupled with this worthless nonentity Clement than any of you have,” the cowled crime-czar admitted, “so if any of you have any better ideas about saving the world you’d better speak now.”
“Why is it every time I deliver stuff to the LL the world starts to end?” Nats complained. “Er, would you sign for this, Vizh.”
“I thought you were getting pizza,” Space Ghost objected, with a fine grasp of the situation.
“I got called in for an emergency delivery. Just sign will you, Vizh. He’s heavy.”
Visionary had already put his name on the clipboard before his ears caught up. “He? What have you delivered?”
“Ah. Hello.” Deathstar Druid smiled weakly. “Howd’ya’do?”
“You’ve delivered a… what is that?” Hatman wondered.
“I’m Deathstar Druid,” Deathstar Druid explained.
“And that means…?” Ziles prompted.
“I don’t actually know,” the Druid admitted. “I appear to be short on a few details. Like an origin. An appearance. Powers. Background. That sort of thing.”
“Personality,” Trickshot added. “Hey, just helping wit’ the exposition.”
“Where did you pick him up from, Nats?” Finny wanted to know.
“I had to go all the way to the Turquoise Area of the Moon,” the flying delivery-boy answered. “To that strange old city built by the Skree to house all that left-over Celestian technology.”
“That’s where he was engineered,” Xander explained. “To be a complete nonentity, with the power to be overlooked and forgotten on all occasions.”
“Hey, I’m here you know!” Deathstar Druid objected.
Everyone looked surprised. They’d forgotten that.
“Ah,” the Hooded Hood understood. “Recently I retconned the Scourge of the BZL out of existence – except for Pegasus for whom I have a use. I had noted that the Late, Great, Donald Blake’s cane had already adopted a new servant, but I had not appreciated that the force which motivated The Man Who Wasn’t There had also remanifested using the technology which originally spawned it.”
“Er…” Deathstar Druid said.
“And the customer commissioning the delivery was undoubtedly Xander,” the Dark Knight surmised; but the master of the mystic crafts had shuffled off and was nowhere to be found.
“He did his bit stopping the Crusty Sea Ghost Witch,” Dancer shrugged. “Now we’ve got to use the clue he’s given us to figure out a way to save Troia from having to marry DBS.”
“Hey!” objected the sepia speedster again.
“Would it help if I slept with Troia?” Deathstar Druid asked politely. “It might be worth dying for.”
“Hey, if there’s going to be a raffle…” CSFB! offered.
“I have my birthday spear here,” Troia reminded the male population.
“Of course!” the Hood suddenly exclaimed. “That’s how it was done!”
“How what was done?” Troia asked nervously.
“How the Shaper of Worlds downed the Z’Sox starship to prevent it interfering with human destiny. The Turquoise Area’s automated defences must have activated, prompted by a freak surge of immense energy. Interpreting that as an attack, the defence computers launched a counteroffensive on the passing Z’Sox vessel.”
“What freak surge of energy?” Dynamite Boy questioned, spotting his area of expertise.
“The surge caused by the incredible Dancer-caused improbability of Exile transferring energy from Troia into Deathstar Druid who is a product of that city’s Celestian technology, and of Goldeneyed teleporting the Druid back in time to deliver that energy to the City on the Moon.”
“To set the whole cycle going again,” considered Finny.
“And then we smite something?” checked Donar.
“So I don’t have to have sex?” Troia sounded slightly disappointed.
“Well, it might be smart to practise for next time this sort of situation comes up,” ManMan murmured to her.
“And, er, what happens to me?” Deathstar Druid worried.
“Oh, we forget all about you,” the Hooded Hood assured him.
“You’re a living temporal anomaly generated by Celestian technology,” Enty advised the Druid. “You’ll probably survive this. You’ll probably return some day.”
“Sort of like Harbinger in Crisis on Infinite Earths,” CSFB! enthused.
“And we’ll still forget about you,” grinned Trickshot.
“And then the Hood won’t have to poison us and Troia won’t have to get married,” spiffy added hopefully.
“Well, let’s get on with it then,” Troia prompted them testily. “I still have presents to open, you know.”
The transfer went very well, except for the bit where the temporal feedback caused Vizh’s refrigerator to explode about quarter of an hour earlier.
“How did I guess that Yo was going to give Troia a birthday rabbit?” the Hooded Hood wondered as he watched his daughter sitting happily in the middle of a circle of her friends. “What do you do with all the gift lapines anyway?”
“We send them back to the Happy Place using Enty’s Happy Place portal,” Lisa whispered. “I think that particular bunny must have been boxed up about eighty times by now. Now it’s my turn to make a guess.”
The cowled crime-czar turned his glowing green eyes upon the amorous advocatrix. “Yes?”
“I guess that you knew all along that Xander had some kind of back-up plan to prevent Troia from having to marry and one of the heroes from having to explode. You were just playing the heavy father to prompt things along, weren’t you.”
“You might think that, Lisa,” the Hood replied, “but I couldn’t possibly comment.”
“And,” the first lady of the Lair Legion continued, “I guess that you knew about that Z’Sox device all along as well, and you could have prevented things going this far if you’d wanted to.”
“Why would I allow things to get this far, my dear Lisa?” the Hood shrugged.
“Because you wanted the Turquoise Area to create Deathstar Druid for some devious future purpose?” Lisa suggested. “Because there are some things that only a man who has no identity and whom everyone always forgets can do?”
The Hood almost smiled. “What man are you speaking of, Miss Waltz?”
“I… I don’t know,” puzzled Lisa. “What was I saying?”
“You were about to suggest eating some cake?”
“Oh, oh yes,” Lisa brightened. “Oh Manny…!”
“Many happy returns, Troia,” De Brown Streak wished the Amazon administrator. “No hard feeling about me wanting to marry you then?”
“You may live,” Troia assured him. “For now.”
“You figure I might have to sleep with some hot chick on my twenty-first birthday to save the planet?” spiffy asked hopefully.
“All those who think that will happen raise one hand,” Banjooooo suggested.
spiffy went back to his coke.
“Folks, I give you a toast,” Dancer suggested. “To Troia. May she always be twenty-one in the Parodyverse.”
The heroes of the Parodyverse raised their glasses. “Happy birthday Troia.”
Visionary brought the Hooded Hood another drink and squatted down beside his chair. “I don’t suppose there’s any chance of you retconning my wall back before Cheryl gets home, is there?” he asked wistfully.
At his feet a caped amoeba bounced up and down hopefully.
Follow Ups:
Yo THAT WAS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Loved it! 06:43:58 2/06/2001 (3)
HH A 27 exclamation point reply. You did enjoy it, didn't you? 14:59:57 2/06/2001 (2)
Yo Yep, and don´t worry..if you continue practizing you will get 30 ;) 07:48:41 2/07/2001 (1)
Yo and even more, if you continue *practicing* you will get 40 ;) 07:50:25 2/07/2001 (0)
Exile And to think... this all started with a meaningless case of pop.... new meaning to caffiene kills. 17:41:44 2/05/2001 (1)
HH's ulcer Caffeine is good. 15:00:42 2/06/2001 (0)
Deathstar Druid HOW many responses????!!! 14:56:44 2/05/2001 (2)
HH Several 16:13:52 2/05/2001 (0)
ag yeah, it's a tough day for HH. We're still not even up to HALF his useual responces. Hope he doesnt get mad and leave the board. :) 16:00:01 2/05/2001 (0)
Visionary, who still doesn't know how Crusty Pete made his fortune. Did we get the rental car back in time? 07:27:32 2/05/2001 (3)
Flapjack It wasn't by selling internet porn of Troia to CSFB and me. No sir. 10:02:16 2/05/2001 (2)
Visionary Hmmm... that's odd. Troia said those pictures from her youth were all in good taste. 10:26:55 2/05/2001 (1)
HH I guess it's all relative. Anyway, you checked out the website. 10:34:54 2/05/2001 (0)
Dynamite Boy, practicing some crr--azy HTML magic... It never fails. When ever HH writes, everyone streches out the damn board. Ah, well. Great stuff, Hood. 16:14:29 2/04/2001 (1)
HH Or course they do. What part of archvillain didn't you get? 10:03:13 2/05/2001 (0)
Troia215 Dammit...I was so in the mood to have sex..... 19:14:00 2/03/2001 (86)
HH OK. We'll get CSFB! to write an epilogue then, shall we? 06:51:18 2/04/2001 (8)
Troia215 Hey....go for it! I'll be interesting :) 10:57:55 2/04/2001 (1)
HH But you'd still be too young to read it. 14:39:39 2/04/2001 (0)
amazing starfish would that be CrazyStarFishBoy? 10:09:29 2/04/2001 (5)
HH *puts AG back in his tank* 14:40:54 2/04/2001 (4)
amazing starfish slosh-slosh, mm, fish food! yum! 20:47:04 2/04/2001 (3)
HH *pours in a couple of bottles of Mumphrey's brandy, just to see what happens* 10:04:24 2/05/2001 (2)
Exile Geez.. that's not what you do.. *pours in ether* 08:53:01 2/07/2001 (0)
amazing starro with a new song! slosh-slosh-hicup-type-type-yum! slosh-slosh-hicup-type-type-yum! 10:50:38 2/05/2001 (0)
Finny Is that why you jumped DK in the chat room? 20:52:37 2/03/2001 (76)
HH Finny, we may need to explain a few facts of life to you about what happens when a mummy and a daddy love each iother very much. It doesn't involve computers. 06:52:20 2/04/2001 (75)
Finny Thou shalt not profane the mummies! I'm writing a story with them. And everything involves computers. 13:31:47 2/04/2001 (4)
HH Ah, perhaps I'd best translate into American. Mummies = Mommies. And while computers are used for sex these days, there are older, more traditional methods which are even more fun. 14:46:53 2/04/2001 (3)
Finny Yes, I know that's how you Brits say it, but I couldn't pass up a mummy reference. 14:55:44 2/04/2001 (2)
HH Does that make you a mummy's boy, then? 15:10:33 2/04/2001 (1)
Finny Ha-ha. No. 15:12:07 2/04/2001 (0)
A) She was on top of Finny, not me. B) I love no one. The guns pointed at you should tell you that. Especially as the bullets tear your face into uncooked hamburger. 12:26:06 2/04/2001 (40)
HH Well, it's an unusual chat up line. 14:47:33 2/04/2001 (14)
Finny We call 'em "pick-up" lines. At least, Greg does. I've distanced myself from the Bad-Thing-loving portion of society which he inhabits. 15:01:13 2/04/2001 (13)
HH So where do you practise your "pick-up" lines? 15:11:54 2/04/2001 (12)
Finny I don't have any. 15:12:41 2/04/2001 (11)
HH Are we talking about pick-up lines still, cause frankly, "Hello, my dear, I don't have any," isn't one of the best I've heard. 15:15:08 2/04/2001 (10)
Finny Yes, we're talking about them. But I don't have any pick-up lines. As talking to women is on my list of Things Not To Do. 15:17:47 2/04/2001 (9)
HH Only girls, hmm. And I thought CSFB! was bad. 15:20:36 2/04/2001 (8)
Finny, napping in the chatroom ...how am I bad? 15:23:05 2/04/2001 (7)
HH That's what we're waiting for Ziles to tell us. 15:23:55 2/04/2001 (6)
Finny She can only tell you how she was bad. Whereas I'm clearly perfect and innocent in every way. Well, okay, my lack of self-esteem won't let me say that, but I'm innocent, dammit. 15:25:05 2/04/2001 (5)
HH *Lets poor Finny off the hook. You can sleep now* 15:27:31 2/04/2001 (4)
Finny I'm not tired, blast it. 15:28:07 2/04/2001 (3)
HH You're obviously not picking up enough girls, Finny. 15:30:30 2/04/2001 (2)
Finny That implies that picking up girls is somehow condusive to sleep, which I doubt. I'm not picking up any girls. At least, except for ones that demand to be carried places. 15:32:34 2/04/2001 (1)
HH And WHERE exactly are they asking to be carried? 15:35:17 2/04/2001 (0)
Finny And she was asking you to have sex with her. 13:30:40 2/04/2001 (24)
But you HAD sex with her. 13:53:28 2/04/2001 (23)
Finny 'fraid not. 13:58:46 2/04/2001 (22)
HH Guys, take the lady's word for it. Read her Dynamite Boy survey answer. 14:48:07 2/04/2001 (21)
Finny Yes, the real-Troia hasn't had sex. But I think the fictional one did, with DK. 14:58:58 2/04/2001 (20)
HH Then I think the only decent thing for him to do now is marry her. 15:09:45 2/04/2001 (19)
Finny Marriage is never the answer! 15:11:14 2/04/2001 (18)
Sir Mumphrey Wilton But it's the only decent thing to do, dammit, if he's besmirtched the young gel's honour. The cad. 15:13:43 2/04/2001 (17)
Nats *kills bold* 08:41:46 2/05/2001 (1)
ag your hanging around Messenger too much, cuase your killing boldly now! 11:07:40 2/05/2001 (0)
8055.shtml16:15:08 2/04/2001 (0)
Finny Isn't it besmirched? And I can't believe anyone else knows that word. And Troia would be marrying a LOT of guys, if she married all that--*ahem* :) 15:16:25 2/04/2001 (13)
Mumph Well, it's besmerched if young DK's been takin' liberties. Chap needs to be whipped like a dog. Now what's all this about Miss Ziles' keyboard, hmm? 15:19:34 2/04/2001 (12)
Finny If DK and Troia did have sex, I'd imagine it would be against his will. So she was taking liberties. So you'd better whip her. Though she'd probably like it... 15:21:56 2/04/2001 (11)
Mumph I'm sure a bright young gel like Troia wouldn't do anything unbecoming a demure young lady. May be you just have a dirty imagination, young feller-me-dragon! 15:25:34 2/04/2001 (10)
Finny ...now, I KNOW you aren't THAT entrenched in Victorian-era England to somehow miss an Amazon's rabid sexual nature... 15:29:37 2/04/2001 (9)
Mumph Far as I can see, young Troia's a perfectly nice gel, and it seems a bit bounderish to drag her reputation through the mud. Not done. 15:32:51 2/04/2001 (8)
Finny That implies her reputation is good. Look, she wanted to have sex in an above post. 15:35:11 2/04/2001 (7)
Mumph Clearly an impostor. Amazed you fell for that old chap. Oldest trick in the book. Probably this DK fellow hoping we'd marry her off to him or something. Shameful. 15:37:39 2/04/2001 (6)
Finny Having known DK for about ten years now, I can safely tell you that he'd never want to marry anyone, least of all her...um, nothing against her, or anything. 15:39:08 2/04/2001 (5)
HH has to go now, but will be back to mock again later. Then he shoudn't have had cyber-sex should he? 15:42:49 2/04/2001 (2)
Finny I don't think Troia succeeded in cyber-raping him... 15:44:47 2/04/2001 (1)
Sneek, Grabitt Thuggery, Attorneys-at-Law Aha! But earlier you implied she did have intercourse. I submit that this dragon is telling a farrago of fictions, m'lud, and move that the whole case be struck from the record. 10:06:39 2/05/2001 (0)
Finny How on earth did this reply duplicate itself? 15:42:20 2/04/2001 (1)
HH It's so good they said it twice. 10:05:26 2/05/2001 (0)
Ziles he just acts innocent, but we all know the truth... 09:08:46 2/04/2001 (28)
HH Er, not all of us. But we're listening. 14:48:39 2/04/2001 (26)
Finny No, no you aren't. 14:56:34 2/04/2001 (25)
HH Oh, but we are. 15:09:06 2/04/2001 (24)
Finny Nothing to tell, I assure you. 15:15:14 2/04/2001 (23)
HH Quiet. We're listening to Ziles. 15:16:08 2/04/2001 (22)
Finny No, you're polluting the board with bold HTML...:) 15:18:38 2/04/2001 (21)
HH AND listening to Ziles. *listens* 15:21:28 2/04/2001 (20)
Ziles ok ok once upon a time there was this man named Andy, he was a rather shy chap. However, on his way home from seeing the doctor he came over to a girls house named mandi. There was much chaos in the house being relatives has somehow found their way into Mandi's humble abode. The parents met and left, then we were off the supper, mother had cooked the noodles too much and made the mac and cheese more like mush. It was splendid and find asking the question devine. Then Mandi and Andy snuck off to play games...The nintendo was fine, I beat Andy many times. He whinned and complained saying he usually plays only the game, no one to challenge. I felt bad and showed him my trick then he started beating me, I should have never gave up the trick. So then i decided that this game was no fun and took him to my bedroom because the computer there was. So we got on the chat and what did we find, the pill of a Greg, yes he was very diranged. So Andy and I got in a keyboard war, which much tickling was dealt....but i would not surrender and the famous shirt incident assuked....the rest of the evening is a bit of a blur ;) Andy will have finish the story is so does he dare. heehee 07:08:57 2/05/2001 (3)
singing in the background tee-shirts and keyboards, tee-shirts and key boards! It's a wooonderful thing! 11:18:31 2/05/2001 (0)
HH Ah. The new Round Robin has begun. 10:11:52 2/05/2001 (0)
ag when a dragon wants something, watch out! 09:03:44 2/05/2001 (0)
Finny She isn't online now. And I don't think she can shout from Montana to Britain... 15:23:55 2/04/2001 (15)
HH That's OK. We'll wait. 15:26:29 2/04/2001 (14)
Finny Yes, well, she's been known to exaggerate.. 15:27:29 2/04/2001 (13)
HH Even better. 15:29:26 2/04/2001 (12)
Finny There's nothing to tell, anyway. I'm still untouched by the evils of such things as kissing/sex/other unmentionable things. 15:30:50 2/04/2001 (11)
Ziles but you kisses my hand ;) 06:56:24 2/05/2001 (2)
Ziles er kissed 06:56:55 2/05/2001 (1)
Mumphrey How chivalric 10:10:50 2/05/2001 (0)
HH Poor bugger. 15:33:45 2/04/2001 (7)
Finny I'm married to my writing, so I'm fine. 15:36:37 2/04/2001 (6)
HH Need to bring the wife around a bit more often, then. 15:38:32 2/04/2001 (5)
Finny It's not a wife. It's writing. 15:40:11 2/04/2001 (4)
Flapjack doesn't make crude comments for once *snickers* 10:09:54 2/05/2001 (0)
HH If you're married to it, it's your wife. Or husband. 15:41:20 2/04/2001 (2)
Finny ...no. It's my writing. That's the third thing you can be married to. 15:43:34 2/04/2001 (1)
Groucho Marx the forth being a goat! 11:09:45 2/05/2001 (0)
ag at least your "keyboard" does! ;) 10:03:22 2/04/2001 (0)
Finny, filing away his would-have-been chapters of the RRs Yet another incident where the Bad Thing nearly destroys the universe. And a well-written one, at that. 17:44:32 2/03/2001 (8)
HH It's not too late to write a follow up. The party's not over yet. Or you could start a new RR. 17:55:03 2/03/2001 (7)
Finny I don't think I should get any more behind on FALL and PF, so I'd better not... 20:53:32 2/03/2001 (6)
HH Surely you can't BE any more behind on them, so you might as well jot something down. 06:53:27 2/04/2001 (5)
amazing waiting for finny's stories guy i second that, after my first part of course! 10:10:48 2/04/2001 (4)
Finny *grumbles quietly* 13:36:27 2/04/2001 (3)
HH *waits for sounds of keyboard clicking* 14:49:27 2/04/2001 (2)
Finny *keyboard clicks as he types this* 14:59:44 2/04/2001 (1)
ag *still waits for Famously Absent Lair Legion #2* 11:14:00 2/05/2001 (0)
Nats Now that was cool. Nice and tidy...so who's gonna start the next RR? 16:18:59 2/03/2001 (9)
ag ME! Just hold on for the Captain Underpants RR! 00:08:52 2/04/2001 (7)
HH Must we? Must we really? 06:54:00 2/04/2001 (6)
ag hey now, I'm writing this morning. Gruling Taskmaster! 10:04:59 2/04/2001 (5)
HH No, I'm the Hooded Hood. Don't confuse me with lesser villains. There are worse things to be than starfish. 14:50:25 2/04/2001 (4)
asf slosh-slosh-type-type-slosh 20:57:56 2/04/2001 (3)
*HH relents and does not retcon AG into being Exile's jockey shorts* 10:13:49 2/05/2001 (2)
Exile Jockey shorts??? Whassa??? I'm a boxer shorts man! 17:34:02 2/05/2001 (0)
spiffy's oder eater I'll get you Hood! 11:11:21 2/05/2001 (0)
HH That was tidy? Mind you, I've never actually SEEN a round robin actually finish before, so what would I know. 17:56:30 2/03/2001 (0)
amoeba guy how do you do that? You tied both together, brought in the aspects of all our parts, put in your plans to change the Scorge, and wrapped it all together wonderfuly! Great as ever! Now, can someone please change me back????? please? *slosh-slosh* I've been good! 15:23:44 2/03/2001 (6)
The Hooded Hood Oh very well, if you insist. *retcons Amazing Guy back into a starfish* 15:43:59 2/03/2001 (5)
Amazing Starfish (would that make me Starro?) HEY! I NEVER WAS A STARFISH! no respect! no respect at all! 00:23:58 2/04/2001 (4)
HH Some people are never satisfied. What's wrong with being a pink starfish, unless Banjoooo's hungry? Or Horny. 07:01:33 2/04/2001 (3)
A,mazing Starfish **runs very fast** 10:06:26 2/04/2001 (2)
HH *settles back with the warmth of a job well done* 14:51:11 2/04/2001 (1)
Amazing STARRO FINE! I wanna be Starro! Run, classic JLA, RUN! 20:59:19 2/04/2001 (0)
CrazySugarFreakBoy! That was good. And stuff. :) 15:13:36 2/03/2001 (1)
HH Stuff? What stuff. *didn't intend to leave the stuff in there* 15:44:42 2/03/2001 (0)
Ziles *claps* :) 14:05:08 2/03/2001 (11)
HH They always clap but they never throw money. 15:06:18 2/03/2001 (10)
ag **throws monopoly money** 15:25:24 2/03/2001 (9)
HH *builds a hotel* 15:45:01 2/03/2001 (8)
The nonexistent Deathstar Druid *Can't afford the bill. Gets thrown out* 18:55:38 2/03/2001 (7)
ag go to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. 00:26:43 2/04/2001 (6)
Top Hat Hood *gives him the boot* 06:59:22 2/04/2001 (5)
doggie ag gets free parking! 10:08:33 2/04/2001 (4)
HH You want to be a dog now? 14:51:50 2/04/2001 (3)
Underdog remember when i posted as this? 21:02:34 2/04/2001 (2)
HH Now you know why. 10:15:10 2/05/2001 (1)
clueless amazing starfish aomeba dog guy why what? 11:15:16 2/05/2001 (0)
Xander Would like to thank HH for that excellent chapter (and for digging him out of the hole!) 13:04:11 2/03/2001 (1)
HH I thought you were just setting it up to save me the trouble of having to write two stories. 15:05:51 2/03/2001 (0)
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- (nt) - 16:50 on October 15, 2002
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