Posted by A story by Cheryl, with scripting by Visionary on April 30, 2001 at 23:32:01:
"I'm telling you, the water balloons look more realistic... and they have a certain... breastosity."
"The cantaloupe were too big anyway... at least those are adjustable."
"Art thou sure? I wert under the impression that Amazons be quite prodigiously proportioned..."
"Hey, keep in mind that you'll be sprinting and jumping and such... It wouldn't do for parts of your anatomy to fly up and smack you in the face."
"They are being quite cute on you, I am thinking."
Normally, Cheryl was not much of an eavesdropper. She was mostly guided by the idea of live and let live, and that a closed door was generally a sign that whatever went on behind it was none of her business. Besides, it was usually much more efficient to simply extract the information from whomever was involved subtly and thoroughly over a cup of tea or some such thing... Not to mention that lurking in hallways was quite unbecoming. However, when the closed door is in her own subterranean (and still only partially excavated) condo, and more specifically the door leading to the master bathroom, then she figured she had a right to be curious. Considering that one of the voices involved was most definitely her husband's, she also figured she had an obligation to make it her business before the likelihood of property damage and/or legal action became unavoidable. As such, he knocked politely on the door.
There was a disturbingly guilty silence. "Er, who is it?" her husband asked.
"Your wife, dear."
"Oh." Visionary paused again. "Ah... Occupied?"
"Do I even want to know what's going on in there?" Cheryl asked suspiciously as she eyed the closed door.
"If we doth say 'nay', wilt thou go away and not ask again?" Donar replied hopefully.
From the sound of it, this definitely couldn't wait for tea. "Yo, would you be a dear and let me in?" Cheryl asked sweetly.
There were the sounds of a mad scramble for the door, but the others were too late. "Of course, cute Cheryl!" Yo said cheerfully as s/he flung open the bathroom door. "We could be using your help in determining what the correct size is being for Ausgardian hooters."
Cheryl surveyed the scene before her, keeping the perfectly straight face that can only be maintained by people specifically trained to stand before groups of reporters in order to explain the absolutely absurd actions of others. Visionary was sprawled across the floor, desperately clutching Yo's ankle in the remnants of a futile attempt to stop the pure thought being. Fleabot was propping up a hand held mirror between various melons and nerf balls while NTU sat on the edge of the bathtub with a tailor's tape measure trailing from one gauntlet and a collection of pins magnetized to the mouth of his faceplate. What really caught the eye, however, was the gigantic hemigod standing on the toilet lid with his hair done up in pigtails, two water balloons duct-taped to his chest and a half-altered green muumuu (covered in a large daisy print) hanging from his shoulders.
"Ah..." Donar said to break the tension. "This be not what it doth look like."
"Oh" Cheryl replied. "Good."
"I'd like to point out that I'm here as a consultant only" Fleabot said quickly. "And that your husband is the one who first called them 'hooters'."
She turned her eyes downward to the figure flat on the floor.
"Um... Hi honey..." Visionary said gamely. "Would you care for a cup of tea?"
Cheryl had opted instead for a Cappuccino... and the twenty minutes it had taken Visionary to go to the nearest Starbucks and back had given her time to collect her thoughts. Now that she was perched in the leather chair in her bedroom (where she had insisted the make-over take place, having found the bathroom far too crowded and not being willing to leave them unsupervised again) she felt ready to absorb this whole incident properly.
"And so when Troia said it was for charity, well, Donar quickly volunteered." Visionary was explaining.
"Okay..." Cheryl nodded encouragingly, taking another sip. "I can see him wanting to participate in these... what did you call them again?"
"Amazolympic Games"
"Right" Cheryl said, nodding. "So I can see why Donar would want to show off for Troi... ahem, that is, help out a charitable cause on the athletic field... Where do the 'hooters' come in, pray tell?"
"As it turns out, only women are allowed to compete in these olympics... what with them being started by the Amazons and all." Fleabot provided helpfully.
Cheryl raised an eyebrow. "And Troia didn't let Donar back out of it?"
Donar raised his chin proudly. "I had already given mine oath as the Oldmanson to compete for the glory of Ausgard" he said stiffly.
"Well, yeah there's that..." NTU noted while he marked down the measurements of Donar's hips. "But I'm guessing Troia held you to it thanks to your observations of her athletic prowess and build... namely that she had 'thighs mightier than those of your father's oxen'."
Cheryl winced.
"I didst mean it as a compliment most sincere!" Donar protested. "Many an Ausgardian maiden wouldst swoon for such flowered words."
Cheryl made a mental note to work with Donar on his wooing material. "Yes, well... I think I get the general idea of how we got to this point." She looked at the Ausgardian thoughtfully. "You're really willing to go through all of this to keep your word to Troia?"
"What use be mine word if mine answer be nay?" Donar replied resolutely.
"Right" Cheryl said. "Well, it's certainly not the way most people would go about this kind of thing, but maybe you do deserve more credit for understanding women than that 'ox' comment would have one believe." She drained her coffee and brushed her hands together in a business-like gesture. "So, on to the matters at hand... How do you intend to deal with the facial hair?"
Visionary sighed. "Even if he shaved, I don't think it'd last long enough to get through the competitions. I think we might have to go with a veil."
"I still vote for a paper bag" Fleabot chimed in. "Two birds with one stone."
"Cute Bugs was never being concerned about fuzzy whiskers when he was being dressed up to kiss the Fudd" Yo observed.
"For the last time Yo," Visionary sighed, "You can't take all your life lessons from bunnies."
"A veil will do... A very, very heavy veil." Cheryl decided, squinting at the subject. "Just tell everyone that your culture requires that you wear it at all times."
"Yeah, that'll go over well with Amazons..." Fleabot muttered.
Cheryl graciously ignored that and moved on. "Hmmmm... there's still the legs. I suppose a pantsuit wouldn't work... to much of a risk for a notable bulge."
"I have full confidence in the miracles of duct-tape" NTU noted.
She looked up at her hairy teammate. "How high is your tolerance to pain?" she asked sweetly.
"Hmmmph!" Donar replied with scorn. "A warrior born hardly acknowledges such things."
Cheryl nodded, then grabbed one end of the tape crossing the Ausgardian's chest and yanked hard.
"GGGGAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Donar hardly acknowledged.
"Yes, well..." she said, examining the chest hairs stuck to the strip that hung from her hand. "We'd best stick with Nair and the dress."
"Well, I think that's about the best we can do" Cheryl admitted ruefully.
"Do you think he can pass as a woman?" Visionary asked skeptically.
"As long as he keeps his story straight."
Donar teetered unsteadily on his sensible heels. "I art a life-long chain-smoker with an inner-ear infection and a glandular problem" he said on cue. "And I am to socialize with nary but the most near-sighted of the fair Amazons whenever it be possible."
"Yo am thinking that Donar is making a cute Amazon."
"Well, there you go..." NTU said, trying to sound hopeful. "Who better to judge when you no longer look... well, specifically like a guy."
"Dress a grizzly bear in drag and five to ten you get the same Yo-reaction" Fleabot chuckled.
"Shut-up, Fleabot" they all suggested.
"Boys, why don't you help Donar out to the foyer to wait for Troia?" Cheryl suggested, smiling calmly as they lead the hemi-god off. "I need a moment with my husband." She shut the door behind them and instantly covered her mouth to suppress a wicked fit of the giggles. "Ahem..." she said, wiping a tear from her eye. "Is there really such a thing as the Amazolympics, or does Troia just have an amazingly warped sense of humor?"
"Well, even if there is, I'm sure things will work out." Visionary said reassuringly. "I mean, sure...we just sent a humongous, burly Ausgardian He-god in bad drag to compete with and deceive an island of beautiful, militant, anti-male Amazon athletes and warriors. How badly could things go?"
They contemplated it in a moment of silence.
"So..." Visionary finally said. "Want me to get some pictures before he leaves?"
"Oh, hell yes."