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The Secret Origin Of CrazySugarFreakBoy! Thursday, 30-Sep-1999 16:49:38
And now, because absolutely no one requested it, a DC Comics "Who's Who" (or, if you prefer, Official Handbook To The Marvel Universe) style entry recapping the origin of ... _CRAZY_SUGAR_FREAK_BOY!_ (Note to the Editors: This entry should be inserted somewhere in between the pages devoted to "Catwoman" and "Daredevil". Thanks!) Superhero Name: CrazySugarFreakBoy! Real Name: Dreamcatcher Kokopelli Foxglove, as stupid as it sounds. Other Aliases: His affectionate nickname "Dream" (a foreshortened version of his first name) comes from his mom, while his teammates often abbreviate his codename to the much-quicker-to-pronounce "CSFB!" Secret Identity: A matter of public record since the start of his costumed career, given that he's never made any attempt to hide it ... I mean, what, you actually expected this hyperactive poster boy for attention deficit disorder to think far enough ahead, about the consequences of his actions, that he'd realize, hey, this might be a bad idea? First Issue Appearance: Insultingly Silly Silver Age Style Comix For Astoundingly Stupid Kids, Vol. 3 Issue #14, in a back-up story entitled, "Characters With Confusing Continuity, 'Cause We Just Bought Out Their Books Last Week And Can't Quite Seem To Shoehorn Their Histories Into Our Current Ongoing Storylines!" Age: 21 years old, plus a variable number of months, depending on what the relative continuity looks like for that week. Gender: Male, despite the fact that his sleek physique is slightly reminiscent of the lean-looking, "non-threatening boys" whose feminine faces typically adorn the contemptible covers of most teenaged girls' beauty and fashion magazines. Gender Preference (Hey, ever since Northstar came out of the closet in the pages of Alpha Flight, we gotta start askin'): Definitely heterosexual ... well, except for all those times in the old Warner Bros. cartoons that Bugs Bunny dressed up as a girl rabbit, and then we might be headed into David Bowie land. Ethnic Background: The European/Caucasian half of his heritage comes from his mom's side of the family tree, while his dad passed down the blood of several assorted Native American tribes that flow through his veins. Hair: Fluorescent orange. Eyes: Neon green. Skin: Day-glo yellow (they're not just any old hues, they're his trademarked brand line of signature colors). Speaking Of Which, His Iconic Costume Logo: A geometrically redesigned, circular smiley face symbol. Height: Only 5'5", but surprisingly enough, not at all insecure about it (perhaps because, unlike most men who are taller, he doesn't have to compensate for any other ... *cough* inadequacies *cough*). Weight: 150 lbs. of fluidly aerobicized, Spider-Man modeled, spandex-stretchin' superhero! Length Of Tongue: 5" of romantic partner-pleasin' fun! Length Of ... Erm, Other Extremities: Um, we certainly ain't botherin' to check, that's for damn sure. Marital Status: Single, but still highly sexually active, given his uncanny knack for all but accidentally stumbling into what become one-night stands with much smarter, seductive, and usually older women. Parents' Marital Status: Are they still married, divorced, or what? Actually, his mom and dad never got married in the first place, which would technically make their boy a [bad word]. Drivers' License: Still pending the verdict of traffic court next week, but in all likelihood, suspended. As in, indefinitely. Double-Jointed: Oh my, yes. Breast-Fed: Until the age of 9. Oedipus Complex: Probably not, even though he watched his mom's strip shows at the "Deja Vu" circuit of exotic dance clubs 'til right about the point at which he hit puberty, so hey, you always gotta wonder ... Allies: The Lair Legion (trademark and copyright of a whole bunch of people who are NOT me), and his own team of supervillains-turned-semiheroes, The Goofball Gauntlet (pending its change to another name, ANY other name) - consisting of Action Figure, Doctor Phobia, Kite Knight (formerly the punk-ass bad guy who called himself Kite Man), Roller Rocket (Golden Glider), Spectrum Spectre (Rainbow Raider), Armored Amphibian (Turtle Man), Jujitsu Juggler (Oddball), Tubby Tachyon (The Slug), Clockwork Craftsman (Clock King), Petroleum Prankster (The Duke Of Oil), Ocular Occultist (Crazy Quilt), and Flying Furball (Kangaroo’s daughter). Enemies: The Hooded Hood And The Purveyors Of Peril (trademark and copyright of Ian Watson, who is ALSO most definitely NOT me), PsychoAcidPervGirl!, The Thunder-Monkey Worshipping Brotherhood Of Ass-Raping Ninjas Student Loan Collection Agency (I believe their *a-hem* distinctive name pretty much speaks for itself), and last but not least, Mr. Gympztlfk, The “Sodom-Mite” Gimp From The NC-17th Dimension X ... X-RATED, that is!!! (Har, har; oh, alright, I know the pun sucks, so just stop it.) Predecessors: Terrance Lucas, a.k.a. the "Golden Age" CrazySugarRocketLad! (c. 1935-1945); Carter Armstrong, a.k.a. the "Silver Age" CrazySugarSpaceGuardian! (c. 1955-1965); and Howard Murdock, a.k.a. the "Modern Age" InsaneCaffeineRevengeSoldier! (c. 1975-1985), not to mention Iris Paintbrush Foxfire, a.k.a. the “Future Age” HyperActiveLunaticLass!, a possible successor to CrazySugarFreakBoy! who might emerge in the next millennium. Known Relatives: Melanie Hastings, a.k.a. Meggan Foxxx, a.k.a. "Action Figure", his mom and occasional superhero sidekick, as well as a headline stripper, nude magazine model, featured performer of many a famous porn film and video, and host of her own call-in college radio show; Louis Laughing Fox, his largely absent dad, a tribal sheriff back on the reservation and a respected shaman besides, not to mention the many other mysterious aspects of his character that we've grown to suspect are lurking beneath the surface; Olivia Hastings, his aunt and Meggan's younger sister, a tenured professor of psychology at the Ivy League Miskatonic University; and Cinnamon Rain, a.k.a. Gwendolyn Leslie, a.k.a. Melody Quinn, a.k.a. PsychoAcidPervGirl!, his underage drug-addicted nymphomaniac sister almost-lover evil twin female doppleganger from an alternate universe/parallel dimension/hypertimelinestream type thingy with an incestuous passion for him and an irrational desire to kill him, but not before she scores with him and destroys his life, although not necessarily in that exact order, 'cause she's, like, WAY totally messed up, you know? Base Of Operations: Seattle, Washington. Place Of Birth: Twin Peaks, Washington, his childhood home until he was about 7 years old, a small logging town made unfortunately infamous by the murder of one of its more popular residents, a high school prom queen named Laura Palmer, a few years ago. Residence Where He Spent His Early High School Years: Arkham, Massachusetts, still a haven for the Puritanical "Witch Trial" mentality under its sleepy surface, a quaint New England village whose true history was chronicled in the supposedly fictional writings of H.P. Lovecraft. Current Civilian Occupation: Doomed-to-be perpetual college student at the University of Washington because his prospective degree major changes about as often as his favorite flavor of ice cream, causing no end of frustration for his academic advisors and career counselors - that is, when he's not engaged in a full-time, non-stop rotation of getting his incompetent slacker ass fired from all the jobs he works at to help pay off his tuition. Previous Occupations: Intern at Jack's Joke Shop, established in 1912, located in Boston, Massachusetts, where he received hands-on training in all areas of pranks, stunts, tricks, gags, and practical jokes, learning hard science through squishy silliness, and studying the chemistry behind the bad-tasting flaming-hot-and-fish-flavored candy and the physics within the whoopee cushion. Also, the sheer scope of his comic book knowledge has earned him the honorary post of unofficial employee at virtually every sci-fi & fantasy-oriented emporium that he's happened to set foot in, however momentarily he was visiting the premises. Source Of Superpowers: In his impulsively spur-of-the-moment quest to create edible silly-string, Dream accidentally stumbled upon a previously unknown element which was soon dubbed "Impossibilityium" - not so much because the scientists who subsequently got ahold of the substance couldn't figure out how it could exist without defying every conceivable empirical law of science that's ever been documented, but rather because they found the incessant ramblings of Dream to be all but impossible to deal with. All attempts to recreate the magical mixture which Dream unwittingly whipped up have met with utter failure, even when the exact formula was sought out by Dream himself (some would argue, especially when Dream tried to puzzle it out, since he can barely add without a calculator, much less comprehend the multi-faceted mathematics involved in such a complex equation), but Dream remains less than worried, seeing as how he's more than managed to put the single batch of Impossibilityium which he did succeed in blending together to good use, as the material which composes his "SillySuit". Aside from causing his normally auburn brown hair, faded jade eyes, and peachy pink skin to project their present phosphorescent incandescence, as well as itself turning the same shades of bright orange and green reflected in his own newly acquired palette of paint colors, the SillySuit imbues its wearer with properties similar to those which the spandex-elastic-plastic-rubber-glue-gel itself possesses, except only if its wearer happens to be Dream; for whatever reason - perhaps because Dream ingested some of the raw Impossibilityium back when he still thought it was the edible silly-string he'd been hoping to cook up in his easy-bake oven, maybe because only Dream's uniquely tuned brain can properly process and control the weird and eerie powers granted by the Impossibilityium, or it could just be that Dream was destined to wear the SillySuit, whatever explanation you prefer - no one else can wear the SillySuit ... either it simply won't work for them, or it'll end up doing something extremely unpleasant to them, like destroying their base atomic structure or driving them slowly yet irreversibly insane, so let's simply say there hasn't exactly been a crushing throng of volunteers who are eager to test it out. Incidentally, that's also part of the strange reason why scientists have had such a tough task of duplicating, or even studying, the samples of Impossibilityium they've managed to obtain so far; the sample will either disappear and simply fade from existence upon closer scrutiny, leaving behind no evidence that it was ever really there in the first place, or it'll do something fun and unexpected like cause the equipment which is being used to examine it to blow up into a million itty-bitty little pieces, occasionally taking any nearby researchers along with it for the ride. As far as what powers the Impossibilityium-based SillySuit gifts Dream with, it enhances his speed and agility, absorbs the impact of otherwise harmful blows (and in the case of projectile weapons, it can reflect them back to their points of origin), allows him to bounce off of walls and other surfaces (as well as crawl up them and upside down on them by sticking to them, Spider-Man style), and is potentially capable of granting him the skill to defy the laws of gravity and physics in the course of combat as easily as the reality-surfing characters from "Dark City" and "The Matrix". The SillySuit seems to operate by converting the energy already present within Dream's mind and body into a form of power that juices up the suit itself, using Dream as a battery of sorts - and for reasons that, as of yet, remain utterly unfathomable, Dream apparently performs at his peak when he's high on (you guessed it) almost pure sugar and caffeine, and the level of his glow can actually indicate how amped his power levels are. Other Nifty Gadgets: Other than the two-way picture phone communicator installed his Swatch wristwatch, which also contains a spring-loaded secret compartment for storing his compressed SillySuit, his main standby would have to be his trusty and oft-modified yo-yo, which he uses to swing from rooftop to rooftop, to deflect projectile weapons when swung in helicopter-propeller shield fashion in front of him, to land long-distance "punches", and to grab ahold of various objects (either by lasso-looping them, like a rodeo cowboy tying up a bull's legs, or wrapping around them, like bandages around a mummy), as well as perform various other functions when appropriately refitted ... for example, pushing a button to transform the end of the yo-yo into a pair of handcuffs, activating flashing lights in the discs of the yo-yo to turn it into a spinning signal visible in the dark from miles away, etc. The rest of Dream's arsenal is contained in his utility backpack, which includes a steady supply of enough soda pop, candy, and junk food to keep him humming at top speed; a comprehensive assortment of the week's latest acquisitions of comic books, action figures, roleplaying game manuals, sci-fi and fantasy movie VCR tapes, and inspirational soundtrack (no, by "inspirational", I don't mean Pure Moods, but rather stuff that Dream himself would be inspired by, like the Star Wars score and the Superman and Batman themes) and high-energy electronic-techno-tribal-drum'n'bass-rave-eurobeat music CDs; and among the random, scattered devices that remain which can't be classified under any other heading, there lies a floppy-eared, over-stuffed, raggedy, orange-and-green bunny doll named Captain Carrot, which was Dream's first Christmas present ever. Skills, Or Anything Else I Should Know About: Beyond all else, Dream's true strength lies in his instinctive and encyclopedic knowledge of all subjects even remotely relating to comic books, cartoons, action figures, roleplaying games, and science fiction and fantasy stories (both on the page and the screen). Dream is a near-autistic who views every aspect of the world around him through the lens of fanboy references, which is both an aid and a hindrance in accomplishing his goals, but by the very nature of who he is, what he knows, what he can do, and how much the realm of comic books have saturated every aspect of his identity and life experiences, he has the potential to become the greatest superhero who ever lived, simply because he completely understands the rules of the comic book universe - in many cases, better than its own super-powered inhabitants do. Until that fateful day occurs, though, I wouldn't exactly bet my money on it definitely happening, or anything. One truth that cannot be denied, however, is that, all else aside, he's a happy, good-hearted boy who tries to do the right thing, and looks after his mom. :) CrazySugarFreakBoy! |
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