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Since we'll never see it in the comic books, I thought I might as well offer you all a glimpse at the JLA crossover that everyone here wants to see ... Friday, 26-May-2000 19:14:02
"From another universe?" Superman furrowed his brow. The Justice League of America had certainly dealt with its fair share of alternate timelines and parallel realities, as had the Man of Steel himself, but the encounters were rarely pleasant. And often, the dark mirror images that Kal-El faced in these dealings disturbed him deeply. There were only so many times that he could see those "elseworlds" in which Krypton hadn't blown up before he approached any explorations into the possibilities of "what if ... ?" with trepidation. Wonder Woman shrugged. "That's as far as we've been able to figure out, anyway. According to our unexpected guests, they're ... well, I suppose that you could call them the JLA of their Earth, the superheroes who serve as the first line of defense for their home planet." "So they claim." Batman steepled his fingers together as he hunched forward in his chair. "Remember how easily Alexander Luthor, from the anti-matter universe, was able to pose as the Lex Luthor from our reality. Just because these people come here wearing bright costumes, we can't assume that they're on our side. We can't risk letting another Crime Syndicate of Amerika run loose across the planet." The Martian Manhunter shook his head. "I understand your reservations, my friend, and believe me, I think I speak for everyone at this table when I say that we share your concerns. However, I have examined the thoughts and emotions of our visitors' minds quite thoroughly, and I can assure you that, at the very least, these strangers truly do believe themselves to be that which they present themselves as to us. If there is any deception taking place here, I am reasonably confident that they are not the ones perpetrating it." "Maybe so, J'onn," Aquaman interjected, a characteristic scowl fixed on his bearded face, "but I'd argue that Batman's suspicions are still valid. I mean, honestly, how much credence are you expected to lend to the notion that these people are, in their words, 'Earth's Mightiest Heroes', when their roster's most plausible members are a self-professed storm god from ancient myth, and a red-and-gold armored bodyguard for a billionaire industrialist?" Green Lantern smirked. "Oh, yeah, absolutely, totally unbelievable. As opposed to, say, a hook-handed undersea king who talks to fish, right?" Aquaman shot a grim stare at him, and Green Lantern immediately shrunk back into his seat. "Um, you know, not that there's anything wrong with that ..." The Flash leaned over to whisper in Green Lantern's ear. "Good one, Kyle. Next time you want to get on his bad side, just ask him about his tenure as leader of the Justice League, when they were working out of a bunker in Detroit and they had Gypsy and Vibe on the team." "Shut up, Wally." Superman hurried to cut of the hostile exchange between Green Lantern and the Flash, by turning to the miniature chair that floated just above the table. "What area of the Watchtower are our guests waiting in, Dr. Palmer?" The Atom checked the monitor of the tiny laptop computer he had opened up in front of him. "Right now, Steel and Plastic Man seem to be giving them a guided tour of our Trophy Room." Superman stood. "Well, whatever concerns or reservations we might have about our unexpected visitors, I feel that we can afford to table them for the moment. And until I see some evidence to support any accusations against these strangers, I say that they deserve to be treated as honored guests of the JLA. So, if there are no more objections, let's give a proper welcome to ... what did they say their name was?" "The Lair Legion," Wonder Woman said. _____ "So, you're their leader?" Superman asked of the unassuming man in the green turtleneck and the yellow trenchcoat. "What are your powers?" "Um," Visionary replied, "well, I, like, you know ... do ... stuff?" Superman arched his eyebrows. "Ah." Visionary shrugged. "Yeah." Wonder Woman folded her arms across her chest, and cocked her head curiously at the statuesque young woman who sttod before her, clad in skin-tight black leather. "Forgive me for saying so, but I fail to grasp the point behind this line of questioning. What else would I use my lasso and bracelets for, if not to apprehend evil-doers?" Lisa grinned broadly, as she cuddled a squirming Christopher in her arms. "Oh, I don't know ... personally, I could think of a lot of uses for a magic lasso that forces people to do whatever you tell them to." Wonder Woman gasped at Lisa's insinuation. "Do not speak of such things! I am the ambassador of the Amazons in the world of men. I am looked to as a role model, not only by my sisters on Paradise Island, but also by women all across the globe. I would never betray my responsibilities to them by taking advantage of my powers, or using them for cheap pleasures. As a mother, as role model for young girls and women on your world, I certainly hope that you would not cheapen yourself in such a way!" Lisa winced at the indignation in Wonder Woman's quiet yet emphatically spoken words. "I'm not suggesting that you ever would, or should, use your gifts to take unfair advantage of others. All I'm saying is that, maybe, you should consider treating yourself to a little fun. And as long as everyone's consenting and of age, there's no reason why you couldn't enjoy the possible ... pleasures of your props. Here, let me show you some of my, ah, weapons," she giggled, reaching for her handbag, and opening its clasp so that Wonder Woman could peer inside. "Suffering Sappho," the Amazon breathed, gaping at the purse's contents. John Henry Irons gritted his teeth, as the armored engineer called NTU-150 picked up yet another one of Steel's inventions, and, as with every other piece of technology that the eager young machinist had taken an interest in, the device exploded in his hands as soon as he touched it. "Oops. Sorry," NTU-150 cringed sheepishly, as he placed the remains of the instrument back where he had found them. Steel shook his head, and buried his face in his hands. "Let me guess - back home, you defeat your enemies by trying to repair their equipment, don't you?" Plastic Man was twisting himself into knots, trying to avoid the swinging pickaxe of Donar, any yet, Eel O'Brien refused to leave the Ausgardian hemigod of thunder alone. Donar bellowed as he flung Mjalcolm. "Begone, thou accursed spawn of a lava lamp! The Oldmanson would testeth the mettle of the braggart with the spit-curl, who doth referreth to himself as a 'super-man', in a few leisurely rounds of combat to the death!" Plastic Man flowed with fluid, hyperactive glee around Donar. "This is too much! You're EXACTLY like him - or at least, how he would have turned out if he'd been raised by RenFaire folk! Come on, just once, say something like, 'No more will the Dog of War contain his rage! The scion of Darkseid shall be avenged!'" Green Lantern felt somewhat awkward around the kid with the belt full of baseball caps. According to this high school-aged youth, he was Kyle's roughly approximate counterpart in the Lair Legion's lineup, and while they had much in common, including their status as the youngest members relative rookie players of their respective teams, Kyle couldn't get over how clean-cut and responsible this kid seemed, and how respectful he was towards him. Nobody on the JLA treated Green Lantern with that level of respect, and he didn't quite know how to deal with it. Still the Canadian teenager who called himself Hatman was friendly enough, and the two were soon trading tales of their freshman adventures as heroes. Likewise, the Manhunter from Mars found himself appreciating the company of his fellow green-skinned alien shapeshifter, once he had grown accustomed to his draconic appearance. Even though J'onn recognized that the Makluan's mind was that of a human, he still felt a residual kinship with the extraterrestrial heritage that the man had acquired. And although he took pains not to pry into the scowling dragon's consciousness, J'onn was struck by the precision and single-mindedness of the thoughts he happened to pick up on. Even though this creature was an alien/human hybrid, the two sides of his self were neatly divided; the body was extraterrestrial in origin, but the soul remained that of a Earth-born man. For this reason, the Manhunter from Mars was even more impressed by the focus and clarity of the dragon's psyche, characteristics whose notable absence in the minds of most humans made his interpersonal dealings with them all the more difficult. While J'onn remained reserved, it didn't take him long to decide that he liked and respected this Fin Fang Foom. As soon as they caught sight of one another, the scarlet speedster and the wired wonder strode towards each other, moving at deliberately non-superhuman speeds, before stopping to face each other, each man sizing up the one who stood before him, until the JLA member in the red suit with the gold lightning-bolt trim extended his hand. "Wally West, the Flash. The fastest man alive. And you?" The Lair Legionnaire in the fluorescent orange and neon green hued SillySuit with the smiley face logos accepted the proffered hand, and shook it, a small smirk hiding in the corners of his mouth. "Dreamcatcher Foxglove, CrazySugarFreakBoy! The most insane son of a bitch who ever walked the face of the Earth." Wally flashed a cocky smile. "Got my powers from the Speed Force, the place where all the super-speed heroes of this universe derive their strength from." Dream grinned and shrugged casually. "My powers come from my SillySuit, which is made out of Impossibilityium, the same substance that grants super-human abilities to all the CrazySugarSuperHeroes! of my universe. Legacy?" Wally laughed and nodded. "Oh, yeah. Flashes in the Golden AND Silver Ages, not to mention other assorted speedster lines, dating as far back as the Old West, some of whom have successors that are carrying on their names to this day. But I'm still the fastest, out of all of them. You?" Nat Irons, Steel's niece, leaned over to Meggan Foxxx, Dream's mother and superhero sidekick under the nickname "Action Figure", and whispered, "Um, I don't suppose you have any idea what's going on between those two?" Meg chuckled, and drawled in response, "My dear, what you're witnessing is the age-old male ritual of the pissing contest." Meanwhile, Dream giggled with barely contained giddiness, as he eagerly launched into his well-rehearsed spiel. "Golden, Silver, and Deconstruction Era predecessors, as well as heroes who carried on the role during the intermediate decades, and a lineage that had reprsentatives in the pre-War pulp novels, the turn-of-the century Lost World jungles, the Victorian age of invention, the Western frontier, the time of high seas swashbuckling and European royal intrigue, feudal samurai-dominated Japan, the birth of the Renaissance, in the midst of Medieval swords and sorcery, on the eve of Arabian nights, in Greek legends, in Ages Undreamt Of, and right back to the dawn of human history. Supporting cast?" The Flash's expression had grown a bit more stern, a bit more serious. "Wife, two occasionally active predecessors, one successor, one fellow speedster who belongs to the same generation as myself, two sets of teammates from two separate teams, both of which have either my name or the Flash legacy listed in their line-up of founders, periodic visits from parents, and a couple of former supervillains who put in cameo appearances, whom I helped to reform." "Nice resume," CrazySugarFreakBoy! conceded with genuine admiration. "Myself, I've got one ex-girlfriend, one deceased girlfriend who still comes to visit me, a role-playing circle of fellow comic book, sci-fi and fantasy fanboys, both parents, an aunt and her friends, a handful of retired predecessors, no successor yet, and no other CrazySugarSuperHeroes! who are currently in business besides myself, but I also have two sets of teammates from two separate teams, and while I can only claim founding status on one of those rosters, I do happen to be the LEADER of one of those teams. Plus," he said, arching his eyebrows and gesturing to his mom with a flourish, "I have a SIDEKICK." At his mention of her, Meggan shimmied theatrically. As soon as CrazySugarFreakBoy! had spoken the word "sidekick", both Batman and Aquaman nodded to each other with knowing approval. The Flash shrugged indifferently. "How about opponents? I've got a whole rotating stable of rogues in my gallery, including a heat guy, a cold guy - not to mention the cold guy's sister and her string of boyfriends, both of whom also have cold powers - a weather manipulator, a light manipulator, a master of magnetism, a high-tech hologram projector, a maniacal magician, a power replicant, an entire cult devoted to chaos, an evil twin speedster from the future, an evil twin of one of the speedsters from the past, a speedster who draws his power from the dark side of the Speed Force, and the Speed Force's own incarnation of death. Oh, and a talking gorilla. And in case I forgot to mention it, nearly half of those guys have been to Hell. Literally. So ... what do you have?" CrazySugarFreakBoy! paused, then ticked off his enemies, one at a time. "Well, I certainly haven't been in the game long enough to rack up the same number of adversaries as yourself, but I think my modest collection of arch-foes makes up in quality what it lacks in quantity. An evil twin who draws her powers from the dark side of the source of Impossibilityium, and who happens to be the long-lost sexually abused drug-addicted nymphomaniac underage sister my mom put up for adoption and I never even knew existed until recently, who also harbors an incestuous obsession with me besides. A cult devoted to universal order, headed up by a man whose voice can command people to do whatever he says, and a disciple who can draw on the memories of her predecessors to totally kick ass in any sort of combat scenario. A student loan collection agency composed entirely of ass-raping ninjas. Oh, and a talking gorilla, who also rapes people up the ass. He just got elected governor, too." Wally West simply gaped. There was nothing he could say to top that. Green Lantern chuckled as he walked over to the Flash. "Dude, you just got smoked by the guy who looks like Alfred E. Newman." "Shut up, Kyle." _____ Anyone want to continue this? Either way, let me know. :) CrazySugarFreakBoy! offers a meeting between two different universe's versions of Earth's Mightiest Heroes, but it's not what you think. :) |
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