Posted by Dancer, via The Hooded Hood, via DONAR on April 29, 2001 at 11:33:26:
Dancer/Donar Spectacular #1
[The Scene: Sarah Shepherdson arrives early to open up the Bean Sarah: Hey! Stop that. And..uh.. racist only has one 's' in it. Thug One: F&ck off, sister. We are the Aryan Pagan Brotherhood, and we rule by strength and purity of blood. We're going to cleanse the city of the foul taint of..... Sarah: Yes, I get the idea. Well first you're going to cleanse these shutters of all that paint. Wait here while I get a bucket. Thug Two, (who has read the manifesto, admittedly while moving his lips): And what is more after we have crushed them all by dint of being sup..... er superior we will ensure the rule of the strong, in the traditions of our Aryan forebears, who dwelled...er.... dwelt in the pure creed of the Viking warriors, crushing the weak and taking whatever they wished by rite of conquest. In the name of Odin, in the name of...... Dancer: Excuse me? Thug Two: Er, in the name of...... Dancer: Excuse me? Unpleasant shouting man with bad breath? Thug Two: What? What do you want? Dancer: I was just going to suggest that you shouldn't really be preaching hate in the name of the old Norse gods. Not only is your scholarship as bad as your grammar and rather tired old rhetoric, but also... Thug One: Who is this stupid &8%$? Well, never mind. She's working for that dago. Pin her down and we'll show her a little Aryan supremacy. Dancer: ..but also I happen to have Donar here by my side. Donar, cracking his knuckles: Tis smiting time. [Later, at the newly-cleaned-by-three-very-penitent-neo-fascists Bean and Donut Coffee Bar....] Sarah: So, Donar, are you sure you want to do this? Donar: Aye. E'en though I hath not done such a thing before, I am most ready now. Sarah: And you want me to show you how to do it? Donar: I canst think of none other I wouldst trust for this. Sarah: You won't regret it tomorrow? Donar: Nay. I must learn sometime..... Show me how to serve yon coffee. Sarah: Okay. If you want to be a waiter here I guess I'd better show you the ropes. You're sure? Donar: I must, fair Sarah. The very fates doth commandeth it. Tis prophesied that I must needs spend one day in thy life, and then thou must spend one day in mine. I know not why, but twas said by the Visioneery and musteth be obeyed. Sarah: OK. You want to wait tables today, we could sure use the help. But listen, when somebody pinches your butt, the phrase is 'Hey, hands off, bud!', not 'By the howling wrath of Hel, remove thy hand lest I rip thy spleen from they body and pound thee flatter than a flat thing whilst rending thy ugly face from they head.' Although I must admit it did seem very effective. Donar: Aye. Later I shalt break in the bathroom door and compel yon felon to come out, craven coward that he art. Sarah: Other important things to remember. We do not serve ale, mead, ambrosia, or whole roast spitted boar. We let people eat here even if they do look a little trollish or dwarfish. And if they complain about the food, we don't threaten them with our baseball bats and say 'What of it, feeble mortal?' Well...only as a last resort. Donar: I see I hast much to learn, fair Dancer. I am grateful to thee for consenting to this trial, and do vow to take the waters of memory-stealing hereafter to forget thy secret identity which thou has most kindly revealed hereforunto me. Dancer: Thanks. I'm just a traditionalist when it comes to keeping secret IDs. And I think you look really good in a frilly apron. I'm not sure about the horny hat, though. Donar: It doth keep mine hair from the food. See, here art customers. I wilt deal with them. Dancer: Well, if you're.... Donar: Heilsa, sojourners. Hie thee to a table, divest thy weapons, and speak what animal thou wouldst have me spit for thy dining. Dancer: He's a natural. [Much, much later...] Dancer: Well, that's pretty much it here for today, Donar. You were a big help. Donar: It wast a pleasure. And see how good thy customers hath tippethed thee after I showed them Mjalcolm. Dancer: Yes, it is true that a baseball bat with a nail in it does seem to encourage generous service payments, although I do question making people wash their own plates before they left. Donar: Tis not seemly that thine fair hands shouldst be sullied in such a manner. Twill do these yuppie churls good to learn a proper profession. Dancer: Well, we just have another three hours down at the Seamans' Mission serving dinners to the homeless and then we'll be done. Donar: ........ [Next day, somewhere over the rainbow bridge] Dancer: Wow! I mean..... wow! Donar, it's beautiful! Wow! Donar: Twas but Bifrosting, the pathway twixt the pale mortal world and the golden realm. And here art Heineken, guard eteranal of the rainbow bridge! How goes it, boon friend? Dancer: Freyda has forgiven me for the last time I was here, right? I'm wearing clothes and everything this time. Donar: Tis not fair Freyda's concern milady. She art but water long passed under mine keel. Her only ire wert in case our son didst see me and thinketh wrong of it. The Oldmanson answers not to any woman..*cough* Dancer:..Son? Heineken: Donar! You hast returned just in time. Ausgard is besieged, at war with our most Donar: Mangrab! Then I wilt go and tussle with him, though there art little chance of victory gainst one who has the strength of every unfinished story in the Parodyverse. Dancer: That's a lot of strength, I admit. But little chances are what I'm all about. This must be why the oracle told us to team up for a couple of days. Donar: Let sound the trumpets of battle! Let slip the goats of war! Rend heavens with thy wrath and let tempest and ruination attend us! We go to kicketh ass in the Oldman's name, and let none say us nay. For Ausgard! For honour! Dancer: For Pete's sake? [to be continued]
and Donut Coffee Bar only to find three men in leather jackets spraying racist slogans over the shutters]
terrible enemy. The Mangrab is awoken and seeks the Sword of Plot Assisting.