*In our last action packed issue… *

The Apostate has travelled 5 years back in time to kill the Leader of the future resistance force. Actually, he’s here to TERMINATE him, but if I actually have to explain the obvious reference, the joke is lost, no?

And now…Dynamic Press Presents:

The Parody Wars: Part 3

The Apostate lines up his sights on Visionary’s head. Little infra-red dots polka dot all over his face, indicating the required trajectory for the bullets that will soon remove all blemishes from his face.

Actually, they will remove his entire head most likely.

Visionary does the only thing he can do, besides cry like a little fairy. He steps two feet to his left.

Apostate: "Hey!! Quit that!!"

Vis: "Wait..at least explain your plans for world domination.."

Apostate: "What?"

Donar: "Aye, tis the rule of all evildoers…when the good guy art about to die, thou MUST reveal thy master plan."

Apostate: "I’ve never heard such a load of rubbish in my life!! Like I’m about to tell you that Visionary is the Leader of the revolutionary force in the future and I am the last hope of destroying him because the previous assassin who came back got his brains fried and destroyed the wrong mind….ooops…did I say that or think that?"

Lisa: "You said it."

Apostate: "Poop"

Visionary: "I’m a leader? Cool…"

Cheryl: "Yes Dear"

Jarvis: "What mind? Who got fried?"

The Apostate sighs and lowers his weapons.

"OK, originally a " He looks off camera "…hey, can I use the term "Terminator?"

CameraMan#6 checks with the sound booth…….."Yeah, Carolco went bankrupt..go for it"

Apostate: "The previous Terminator was sent back and failed his mission. It seems he tried to "parody" Visionary to death, but failed..Instead he just caused confusion, and eventually sent Jarvis mad."

Jarvis: "Me? I’m fine"

Wayopex: "Shyeah, he’s pretty fly for a dead guy!!"

The Apostate checks his watch… "Wait…is daylight savings time on or off here?"

Jarvis: "Just finished…why?"

Apostate. "I’m early…sorry Jarv. You lose it in 5..4..3..2.."

Jarvis: "Yeah, good one…whatever."

Falcon walks out."Hey Jarvis, read this.."

Falcon hands Jarv a story.

Jarvis: "Hey Falcon…"

He starts to read it.

"I’ve been meaning to ask..who are Banana guy and that.."

keeps reading

"..Dog boy and um.."

Still reading

"Why do..um..er…".

Jarvis’s eyes go blank and he begins to drool uncontrollably.

Falcon: "Hey, that’s my apple"…he then flies away, (obliviously unaware that he was killed as per his request about 2 weeks ago)

Apostate: "So..as I was saying..Hasta La Vista, Visionary"

The Apostate raises his weaponry again..Vis raises his finger to make a point: "You know…"

Apostate drops his arm again, looking a LITTLE annoyed at the constant interruptions…

"WHAT?? WHAT IS IT?? HURRY UP SO I CAN KILL YOU!!"

Visz: "Well…it’s just.."

Apost: "WHAT??"

Visz: "..well..Hasta La Visionary would have been much funnier and God knows this board could use some humour lately..I mean, what, with me in Iowa and all.."

Apost: "Huh? You’re in Iowa?"

Donar: "Aye"

Foomy: "See, he sent us a postcard.." FFF hands it over to the very confused Apostate..

Apostate.. "This is a fake…Oh, wait..It’s real..He spelt his name with two S’s…in green crayon…"

NTU: "I thought the silent Q would have given him away."

The Apostate sits down and holds his head in his hands. He begins to sob.

Vis: "Um..this is kind of out of character for you, isnt it?"

The Apostate looks up, tears running from his evil eyes.. "It’s the first time I’ve been used by Gavan..he has no idea..I used to be so evil..so brilliant..now look at me…and you arent even here"

Yo goes over to give him a cuddle "Poor bad man."

Yo is too late…the logic sensors in the Apostate’s neural net have crashed..he was meant to kill Visionary..Visionary is in front of him..but he’s also in Iowa..Apostate isnt in Iowa..But he’s with Visionary.

Sparks fly out of his neck and he seizes up once and for all.

Lisa: "uhh..Vis?"

Vis: "Yes?"

They all look at Vis, the guy who is with them at the Lair Mansion, AND in the cornfields of Iowa.

Lisa: "How ARE you here?"

Vis: "Dunno..the one in Iowa must be a fake man."

With that he turns and walks back into the mansion…through the wall.

Cheryl: "He’s never done that before."

Banjoooo: "It’s like he’s a ghost.."

Messenger: "Or a hologram…"

The Alternate Bad Future:

Zemo screams in anger.

The Apostate has failed.

Zemo is pissed.

Dr Moo is visibly shaken, but has seen her ruler in worse states. She knows it will pass.

Moo: "Zemo?"

Zemo: "What?"

Moo: "I have another Terminator ready..this one wont fail."

Zemo’s hope rise, if only for a moment: "Go on.."

Moo brings Zemo to a bench with a bucket on it: "It’s a liquid Terminator. I call it the T2000"

Zemo : "….it looks like a bucket of milk."

Moo: "You see? He wont know what hit him!!"

Zemo: "How does it work? Does it morph into things that it touches?"

Moo: "Uh…"

Zemo: "OOH!! Does it form blades to stick Visionary like a shish-kebab??"

Moo: "Not quite.."

Zemo: "Well what does it do?"

Moo: "It’s doing it now."

Zemo looks closely, prodding the bucket with an armoured finger.

"It’s not doing anything."

Moo: "Well, we have to find a way to get the Leader to stick his head in it for an hour or so, then it will do its work."

Zemo: "Let me get this straight. You want me, the most brilliant mind in the history of Zemo’s, the one who has actually managed to subjugate an entire continent into submission.."

Moo: "Yes.."

Zemo: "The one who finally brought the Lair Legion to it’s knees.."

Moo: "Yes.."

Zemo: " To drown my enemy in a half bucket of tepid cow-juice?"

Moo: "Well, when you put it like that…no."

Zemo: "Good. Time for plan B. Take twenty drones and bring me this man."

Moo is handed a picture. She looks at it. She recognises the face.

Moo: "Right away, Master."

Our time:

The LL have bundled Jarvis’s prone form into rugs and put him near the open fire in the Mansion’s Atrium.

Lisa: "He looks sick.."

Visionary: "He just sits there mumbling incoherently…telling us we are all destroyed.."

Jarvis: "Parodiopolis go boom..mansion night night.."

Donar: "And he doth clutch that little blue ball so tightly to his chest..sad indeed."

Seiren walks in.

Donar: "Hail, Hun."

Seiren: "Don’t thou DARE "Hun" me, you rude bastard!!"

Donar: "Uh..Whatfore hath I done wrong mine little lovemuffin?"

Seiren: "I’m back from the dead, here for maybe one or two issues, and I’m already a forgotten character!! I’ve just been talking with Cheryl..Thou hast not even mentioned me in the last two stories!!"

Donar: "But sweet light of love that fills mine heart, can you not see that tis for thee that I hath erred?"

Seiren: "…go on"

Foomy: "This oughtta be good"

Donar swallows air and prepares to go into the battle that no Man or God can ever hope to win..rationalising stuff-ups to one’s girlfriend.

Donar: "Uh..you see, the fate of us all doth transpire herein mine tales.."

Seiren: "Yes"

Donar: "And if the alternate future is proven true, then eternity would be not ours to have.."

Seiren: "And…"

All the men in he room give Donar an encouraging nod. If he wins this battle, there is hope for them yet.

Donar: "And..er..If I hath to fight the menace of evil to ensure tomorrow is ours to share, then tis a fate I accept with pride, such is my eternal love for thee…sweetypie."

The male legionnaires swell with pride. This is a day of historic event. A man survived the onslaught of a slighted love..until she pulls the death card.

Seiren: "Thou thinkest I art fat, don’t you?"

Donar hides his face..the battle is lost..

Seiren smiles to herself and thinks.."hehehe..I win..as usual.."

The Bad ( well, Bad for the good guys ) Future:

Moo marches in, followed by a regiment of drones.

Four of them are carrying a coffin containing their prisoner, the man that Zemo ordered Moo to recover.

Zemo enters the room.

"Lock him in."

The man is crucified to the wall in bondage gear. Leather straps hold him firmly in place. There is no escape. The drones dissipate, leaving their Dr Doom-esque leader with the prisoner.

It is the old man from Donar’s and Enty’s silo base.

Zemo: "Nice to see you again…how’s the wife?"

Old Man: "Why do you bring me here? Do you want to see me suffer? Let my failures haunt me?"

Zemo: "Come now, I just wanted to chat. Tell me of the Leader."

Old Man: "I have nothing to say."

Zemo: "Really? You should know better than to try to keep things from me..I’ve already taken everything you held dear..your reputation, your power…..your name..how does it feel to see me victorious, Baron..how does it feel to see another Zemo reign in your stead?"

Old Man Zemo. "I will defeat you, whatever name you take..you are truly the evil one."

Zemo: "We shall see…."

WHO IS THE NEW ZEMO??

WHY DID I BOTHER TO ARGUE WITH A WOMAN?

HOW WILL IT ALL END? ( I mean the story, not my life )

Continued soon…I hope…