The Parody Wars, conclusion.

When we last saw our vigilant, powerful, and virile heroes, they were at the mall having just "defeated" the Incredible Sulk, a.k.a. Yo’s purple thought bunny.

Tina and NTU were standing with Viz and Donar, and were all questioning Wayopex’s sudden lucidity regarding alternate realities and temporal barriers.

Well, to be more precise, Tina is while the others are trying to keep up and look interested.

Wayo: "..So you see, due to the, like, totally excellent and malleable fibres of inter dimensional space, we don’t really have to do squat now."

Tina: "How do you mean? We still have to divert the alternate future!"

Wayo: "Naah, that was my mission, and we’ve been so totally triumphant so it’s groovin’ now. My sudden arrival was like, totally dependent on the presence of Donar’s babe."

Donar: "Seiren? Aye, methinks that thy arrival was heralded by Zookd as a presage of doom. How is it now that the evil future hath been averted to a more suitable destiny?

Wayo smiles to himself: "All shall be revealed.."

The Future:

Castle Zemo is under siege.

Surrounded on each side with the elite of the resistance forces, and anyone else that wanted to come.

Donar and Enty wait at the door for their orders.

Leader: "Ok boys, nearly show-time."

NTU: "Donar? I want Zemo. Let me have the kill. Please old friend?"

Donar: "Was it not said that those who fight monsters should not endeavour to in the process become them? If it will sate thy lust for revenge, Jaime, it shall be done. The choice is yours, I shalt not obstruct thee from fulfilling thy destiny."

NTU: "Um..don’t you usually kill everyone?"

Donar: " Aye, but that is different. I am a God. "

Leader: "Alpha team, enter kitchen with extreme stealth, on my mark."

Alpha: "It will be being done when say you, leader"

Leader: "Yo?"

Alpha Leader: "It is being me! Hello Visi!!"

Leader: "Yo, I am the Leader, ok? Call me Leader"

Yo: "OK Visi Leader"

Leader "*sigh* Beta team, ready to enter laundry through window on my mark."

Beta: "Yeah yeah, ready as usual, sir…had to be the laundry didn’t it? Couldn’t let the butler have a LITTLE pride could we? Should I starch the shirts as well sir?"

Leader: "Jarv?"

Beta: "Yes it’s me, like you didn’t know. I should be leading this team.."

Leader: "I thought you and Yo were dead?"

Jarv: "Yeah. Standard Lair League intelligence procedure, Leader. Never confirm or deny life status of any member. That way the baddies don’t know who they’ve got to deal with and there can be some semblance of continuity between stories."

Leader: "Thanks for the speech Jarv. Await further orders"

Jarv: "This wouldn’t happen if it was Jumping Jarvis #55.."

Leader: "Donar? Ring the bell."

Inside Castle Zemo.

Zemo had just finished delivering orders to the troops to kill the heroes. The second sentence was about to start when the doorbell rang, cutting Zemo off mid-insane megalomaniacal rant.

DING DONG!!

Zemo: "…don’t you hate that? Moo!! Get The Door!!"

Moo: "Yes my powerful yet soft skinned ruler."

Moo opens the door to be confronted by two rather large and muscular Wilderness Girls bearing cinnamon cookies.

Brunette 7-foot Girl Scout: "Hail to thee householder, perchance thou wouldst be interested in the exchange of currency for yon scrummy cookies?"

Tall metallic Girl Scout: "They’re 97% fat free!"

Moo: "Hmm..well, I do have a lot of leftover milk on my hands. Do you have any Chocolate Chocolate Chip?"

Donar looks to NTU, who holds forth a second box of cookies.

Moo looks at the box and notices that the cookies look fresh and are reasonably priced. She turns away from the heroes in drag.

"Just let me get my purse"

NTU to Donar, quietly: "This is going too smooth Man, I smell a rat."

Moo leaps out the door brandishing what appears to be a milking machine crossbred with a super soaker: "YOU HAVE THE COOKIES I WANT?? YOU’RE NOT WILDERNESS GIRLS!! "

Leader: "Damn, our cover’s blown…Alpha, Beta, ENGAGE!!"

Donar and Enty tear off their disguises, even though the skirt was strangely comforting to Jaime.

Donar: "Have at thee evil ungulate!!"

He spins Mjalcom overhead as Moo’s milk cannons fire a shower of milk upon the heroes.

(Note to the perverted members of the BZL: Moo’s milk cannons are the guns she is using, not her, well, you know )

NTU thinks quickly and hurls the cookies at Moo’s mouth.

NTU: "Bullseye!!"

Moo staggers back, unprepared for the gagging sensation that follows a fat free cookie, let alone a whole box of them. With her last ounce of strength she turns her guns on herself and fires: "Got…milk?"

She passes out. The milk has saved her life, but the cookies have played their part in the master plan by filling her up and making her sleepy.

NTU: "Now would be a great time for a witty milk-related pun."

Donar: "Aye, that it would be."

NTU: "C’mon, lets kill Zemo."

The Alpha team enters the kitchen, according to plan. They subdue the kitchen staff with little resistance and manage to access the servants quarters. This pathway also leads them past the spa room and tennis courts to the rear of the barracks. There they await the Leader’s orders.

The Beta team enters the laundry through the window with the busted lock. As the rest of the team crawl through the dryer’s air ducts, Jarvis slips over on some spilled detergent and lands face first in a pile of women’s undergarments.

Something clicks in his mind.

He knows that scent…Lavender and Teatree oil. Has Zemo really married his ex-love Lisa?

The noise caused alerts the Laundry League to attention. They burst into the room and corner the once proud leader of the LL.

Jarvis: "$#!t.."

Leader: "All Teams, what’s the Sitrep*?"

( *SITuation REPort )

NTU( amid heavy static and sounds of battle) : "Knee deep in drones at the front entrance, Leader. No sign of Zemo. Donar and I aren’t encountering any major problems, it seems too easy."

Yo: ( Crickets chirp in the background ) "Alpha is waiting in the place for you to be saying what to do Leader. There wasn’t anyone that has seen us yet."

Beta: ( whispering ) "Team Leader lost sir, continuing mission as directed. No sign of Zemo."

Leader: "Dammit, I’m coming in. It sounds like a trap, but it’s not like we have a choice."

The Leader ignites a flight pack and rapidly ascends towards the roof of the castle, before discarding the spent pack and diving down the chimney.

Foyer:

Donar and NTU finish off the last of the Zemo-bots. Two are seen retreating down a corridor to the left of the foyer.

Donar: "Onward!!"

NTU: "Yeah..verily."

They both pursue the bots only to be confronted by another thousand or so droids of superior quality.

Donar’s eyes light up as he literally leaps amidst the metallic assassins: "TO THE DEATH!!!"

NTU engages them also.

Donar: "Tarry not thy time here Jaime. Find Zemo! Yon repulsive replicants are no match for he who hath slew mighty giants and torn mountains asunder!! Get thee gone!!"

NTU looks into the Thunder God’s eyes. He thought he saw the slightest of hesitations. He knows however that Donar might well be killed by these droids, and only spoke the words to give Jaime the confidence to abandon his oldest ally. He nods his head in thanks to the Ausgardian, engages his cloaking mode and is gone.

Barracks:

Yo hears the commotion over his radio.

"Leader? Do we move? There is being nothing here but crickets and bugs."

There is no response.

Throne Room:

The Leader’s com radio was crushed in the fall. He discards the remnants of the headset and looks around the room for movement. A shadow moves in the corner. With a superhuman leap, the Leader lands within reach of his prey.

Leader: "Identify yourself."

Shadow: "MMphmm mmm mphmm"

Leader: "Kenny?"

He casts light from his hands using arcane magics.

Before him stands Jarvis, trussed up like a pig on a spit.

Leader: "Jarv?"

He tears the gag from the butler’s mouth.

Jarvis: "LOOK OUT!! IT’S A TRA.."

That is the last thing the Leader hears as his head falls to the floor with a rattle. Bare wires spit sparks from where his head once sat.

Zemo steps from the shadows wielding a large broadsword, the tool of the Leader’s demise.

Zemo: "So long, fake man."

Foyer:

Donar is not looking good.

He is covered in cuts to the flesh and severe bruising to the body. Amid the blood on his face lies the smile of a berserker. In his eyes burns the madness of unthinking fury. He fights like a juggernaut, smashing droids like plates at a Greek wedding. One clings to his waist, burying a psi-blade deep into Donar’s leg. He screams on agony as all his nerve endings explode at once. He then feels complete calm.

"Fear not, Donar, your friends are here to save you."

Donar kicks his android assailant away before expunging it with a blow of truly godly dimensions.

He looks up to see who spoke the words that calmed him so and eased his pain.

Above him, floating on a hue of pure thought, floats Yo.

Yo: "Donar, I can’t hurt droids, they do think not at all. I can give you help though"

Donar feels his berserker rage being balanced with Yo’s calm. He now has the strength and clarity of mind needed to defeat this ocean of evil steel. He makes short work of them before Yo returns to his body and Donar, albeit injured, pursues NTU.

The Throne room.

Zemo sits patiently, and waits for those who seek an end to the subjugation of the Parodiverse.

Zemo: "Oh Jarvis…how long has it been? I once held you in such high regard. Such a bold and forthright hero. Then you got married. You changed Jarvikins, much to my advantage. With Lisa scorned, and now dead, my reign was inevitable.

Jarvis: "You talk like you know me! Who are you? We know that the real Zemo was holed up in one of his old missile silos with Donar and Enty..are you some usurper?

Zemo stands, slighted by Jarvis’ ignorance.

Zemo: "You have no idea, do you? How the worm has turned. I was once close to you Jarv, real close. I know your secrets. It seems not close enough however. A word of advice. Never cast aside allies, they become the darkest enemies….and I know just where to stick the knife.

With that Zemo musses up Jarvis’ pristine hair, pulls his tie askew and rips a pocket off his blazer

Jarvis: "You utterly EVIL bastard!! My Tux!!"

A blast hits Zemo in the middle of the back, knocking the temporarily distracted dictator forwards.

NTU stands in the doorway, uncloaked and pissed off.

NTU: "Doomsday Zemo. Time to die."

Zemo turns and faces NTU. "You dare speak to me of Doom? If you even consider attacking me you will condemn Tina to HER Doom, mendicant!"

NTU: "Tina’s dead. No deal."

Zemo: "Or so I would have you think! Cast your eyes on the monitor on the wall, young Jaime. See for yourself."

On the monitor an image appears. It is indeed Tina, wearing a neural dampener and attached to a large rack fitted with explosives.

Zemo: "My heart stops, she goes boom, baby."

NTU falls to his knees, as Foomy waylays him from behind: "…..Tina."

Foomy: "So it would appear my information was correct, O’ vindictive ruler of the wastelands.

The Leader is indeed the one formerly known as Visionary. And he was a fake man after all."

Zemo kicks the Leader’s robotic head to Foom.

Zemo: "So it would appear. But I have doubts as to it’s authenticity."

Foom: "My information or the Leader’s identity?"

Foom is erased from existence with a blast from Zemo’s palm.

Zemo, to Foom’s smoking charred skull: "Both"

Donar then enters the room.

Zemo: "Jesus, cant you people make reservations or something? It’s like Grand Central Station in here!"

Donar: "Thy perfidy will be annulled evil-one."

Zemo: "Come now Donar, you would forget our bond so quickly? We were so very close once, or can’t you remember?"

Donar: "I know not who you are felon, but I do know that the scion of Ausgard can tolerate thy base villainy no longer! Have at thee!!"

Zemo and Donar engage in a brutal sword/baseball bat fight that lasts some minutes. Eventually, Zemo is overpowered by the enraged Thunder God and is then pinned to the floor by one of his steel boots.

Zemo: "You would kill me as easily as this? What of the unrequited love we share?"

Jarvis: "I knew he was too buffed to be straight.."

Donar: "What? Thy tongue cannot cease these venomous lies for more than a moment, can it? I know ye not ,and I love ye not either, mortal"

Zemo: "So you say. We will see."

Zemo reaches up and removes the armour’s faceplates, exposing the face within.

Donar vacillates back in a mix of shock and confusion: "It cannot be thee! Thou wert most pure in mine eyes. The evil one known as Zemo cannot be…LISA!!!"

Jarvis faints.

Lisa: "Sure I can sugar, after Jarvy ditched me to get married, something kinda snapped. You give that much love to a man ( and all his friends, ) and get scorned, it isnt a gonna be pretty. So I married Zemo. Then I sued his ass and divorced him. With my superior grip on the legal system I got the castle, the title "Baron Zemo" and alimony. I even managed to wrangle child support for any "potential" children."

Donar: "Thou art truly evil Lisa"

Lisa: "So everyone was saying all along. Except for you. You trusted me and saw more than some nympho with a penchant for Cool Whip. You gave me the strength to do this Donar. Why do you think I haven’t killed you yet."

Donar: "I know not."

Lisa: "I owed you. Now we are even."

Beta team fall in behind Donar: "I coulda told you this Donar, sorry."

The Beta team 2IC removes his helmet to reveal he is in fact Banjoooo.

Foom: "I was behind Foomy getting the wrong information for Lisa Zemo too. Try and take over MY detective agency will he?"

Lisa sits and closes her faceplate.

Lisa: "And the Leader’s identity is not Visionary?"

Donar: "It doth look most surely like Visionary, albeit a foot shorter. I suppose that discrepancy is due to his headless stature."

Banjooooo: "The Leader IS Vis.. but that aint him…that’s a fake man."

Lisa: "Right, enough talk, time for everyone to die. Ive been saving this one up for a long time."

Lisa’s Arm begins to glow with a white-hot intensity. "I call it a nova bomb. All the power of a new star concentated onto one blast. Doom would be proud.."

Behind her the Leader’s chest cavity opens to release a small pilot.

Zebulon: "I don’t think so, hun."

Using arcane elvin magics, he opens a rift in reality and siphons the power into a vortex.

Lisa: "NO!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??

Zeb: "Getting myself home..see ya."

With that Zeb is absorbed by the vortex.

The present.

The LL have returned to the lair after the confrontation with Sulk. Zebulon appears in a flash of light and lands with a dull thud in Lisa’s lap.

Lisa: "Hey there handsome, what’s the occasion?"

Zeb: "It’s LLLL day!! Lair League Leader Lisa day, we spend the next 24 hours in appreciation of you!

We love you Lisa!!"

Wayo: "Yeah, so don’t kill us."

Later that day, after much comforting and praising of their leader, Wayo pulls Zeb aside to see how the mission went.

Wayo: "So, what happened?"

Zeb: "Easy. I built a fake Visionary out of the Apostate parts and used that temporal shifting tech inside it stand in for the real Leader. Once Lisa was defeated I warped into that vortex that Zookd supplied and left the crystal with all this info in him. When Moo and Lisa sent the Apostate, Zookd slipped the crystal inside it and I retrieved it!"

Wayo: "Dude, wanna like do me a favor?"

Zeb: "Sure pal, what."

Wayo: "Get me some Aspirin..my head hurts."

The End.

Donar, promising to never ever do another storyline involving time travel, and hoping you enjoyed the effort..

Next In Dynamic Donar #56: I have no idea, but there’s NO time travel.