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| "In Hot Water" part 1 (An old tag team by Vizh and
Donar... this being my half) Wednesday, 10-May-2000 14:55:10
"T'was not nearly big enough" Donar stated with a sigh as they exited the movie theater. "It was over thirty feet…" Visionary felt compelled to point out. "That's a pretty big lizard, especially for a lake in Maine." The godly legionnaire shrugged. "It ate a bear" Visionary added. "Bah." Donar declared. "Why, in the fabled Halls of Ausgard, Wednesday night t'was bear night. I, mineself, would often partake of three or four of the roasted beasts in one sitting!" Visionary nodded, unsure of the appropriate response to such a revelation. "We had spaghettios." "That…" Donar noted, "was Tuesdays." Suddenly a series of shrill beeps erupted from his pants. Sadly, Lisa was not on hand to comment. With an enthusiastic flourish, he produced his Lair Legion comm-card. "Verily, thy call for battle is answered, friend Jarvis!!! Let the heavens tremble before our righteous coming!!! Together we shall smite the… What? oh. Just one moment, milady…" Donar held out the comm-card to show Cheryl's face appearing in the two-way video screen. "'Tis for thou." "Hi honey!" Visionary said, taking the card. "You should have come… I don't think it was too scary of a flick… although I suppose that beaver scene might give spiffy a heart-attack…" "That's nice dear… but we're having a bit of an emergency here…" Cheryl answered with quick glance over her shoulder. "I think you two had better come back right away." There was the sound of splintering wood and some yelling from somewhere in the background. Cheryl frowned thoughtfully. "I had hoped that door would keep her better contained…" she shook her head and looked back at the screen. "In any event… just hurry." Visionary looked up at Donar with a puzzled look as the communication was terminated. "What do you suppose that was all about?" "T'was the sounds of glorious battle waiting to be joined!" the legionnaire boomed, causing passers-by on the street to give the two men a wide berth. "T'was the kiss of fate upon us both, a herald of the godly combat to come! Gather thy courage about thee, and prepare to meet vengeance upon whatever dire threat dost rear it's base and debauched head! Tho we may face a menace spawned from the depths of Hel's realm itself, we shall hurl down the gauntlet and strike for our worthy comrades! Let us away-- to victory, to legend, to a conflict that shall be forever told in song and story!!! LET THE EARTH SHUDDER AT OUR COMING!!!" "Um…" Visionary chimed in, checking his watch. "Our bus isn't due for another 3 minutes." "Ah… then let us partake of Slurpees and burritos at yon 7-11" Donar replied, patting his friend on the back. "All thine talk of ursine feasts has instilled within my being the fabled 'munchies'." 6 burritos, 2 Slurpees, 1 Big Gulp and a cross-town bus ride later… "Whose dumb-ass idea was it to put the new headquarters on an island anyway?" Visionary grumbled. "Just be thankful thou didst miss the giant, flying, phallic 'LAir Fortress'" Donar replied. "…And keep rowing." One boat ride later… Cheryl was waiting for them at the docks. "Thank heavens… I'm at my wit's end trying to deal with them by myself." "Where be the base varlots?" Donar cried, leaping to the wharf. "Let them come forth and taste the full fury of a warrior born!!!" Cheryl stood there patiently while the god posed menacingly. "Um… Where be the menace that necessitated thy dire summons?" "They're all inside… and there's nobody to fight, although you may want to slap a few of them." Visionary's face settled into its usual confused expression. "Come again?" Cheryl pursed her lips. "Perhaps you'd just better come see for yourself." She turned and walked up the docks towards the latest Lair Legion Mansion. "I'm fairly sure that no words of mine could really do it justice." "I got here late this afternoon… I was going to pick up some paperwork to take back to the condo when I found poor Troia barricaded in the reception area" Cheryl explained as she swiped her passcard through the scanner, unlocking the doors to the personal living quarters beyond the front offices. "It took me a while to piece her story together, and then to name a cash figure large enough to get her to come back to work after the two-week paid vacation I just gave her." Cheryl peeked her head through the door and, apparently deciding that the coast was clear, stepped through. "She was understandably freaked." "By what?" Visionary asked, following nervously along behind his wife and Donar. He watched the walls suspiciously just in case something should jump out at him. "Did people forget to mention Space Ghost's unique fashion sense? I'm sure if she understood how much he dislikes the chafing…" "It wasn't that. It's… well… Here, I think this can explain it better than anything." She stopped outside of one of the rooms. "Hallie… has there been any change?" The Lair's resident computer was quick to respond. "None at all… and I've completed a spectrographic analysis of the air filtration system. Whatever is causing it, it wasn't airborne." Cheryl nodded. "Well, keep me advised, please. In the meantime, you may as well unlock room 24B, emergency authorization Cheryl-lambda-eight." "No problem… and good luck in there" the computer answered. Cheryl took a deep breath and grasped the doorknob. "Gentlemen…" she said seriously, "this won't be a pretty sight." With that she flung open the door. Inside, seated cross-legged on the foot of the bed, bouncing slightly upon the mattress, was a smiling young man who happily watched a particularly noisy movie on television. Sunlight shone brightly through the open windows as the drapes were pulled wide, and the scent of lavender incense hung heavy in the air. If it weren't for the costume, Visionary would never have recognized him as the Dark Knight. "DK?" Cheryl asked clinically. "Do you mind if we come in?" The man flashed them a quick look and responded "No, not at all." They gathered around him, blocking his view of the television. Though he craned his neck to see around them, he didn't complain. "DK?" Cheryl asked, again speaking in very precise tones. "I have some pink, heart shaped stickers with me… They have the words 'snookums', 'pookie' and 'wuv machine' written on them. Would you mind if I stuck them all over your cowl?" The response was almost instantaneous. "No… not at all." Cheryl pulled a package of stickers out of her pocket and slowly, one by one, began to paste them to the young Knight's face. "I thought for sure that, if anyone would have a breaking point with this thing, it would be DK here" she explained as she worked. "So I've been using him as a test subject. First the sunlight, then the incense and so on…" She stopped and watched the Knight bounce happily on the bed, rapt by what he saw on the television. Pink hearts of various sizes clung to his forehead, nose and jaw. Even a cowardly, superstitious lot would laugh at him in his current condition. "It wasn't until I put the videotape in that I knew just how bad it really was." Visionary and Donar turned to look at the TV. Out of the corner of his eye, Visionary could see his teammate turn pale as a sheet, even as he felt his own blood run cold. There, on the screen, was Arnold Schwartzenegger in full face paint wearing a costume that could have been the recycled remains of a '57 Buick. "Look at that!" the Dark Knight cried in excitement. "Ice skates… right in their boots!!! Why didn't I think of that?" "And they're all like this?" Visionary asked his wife as they stood in spiffy's guest quarters. Donar had insisted on testing spiffy's condition himself. Yet, after holding him upside down in the bathroom to administer 'ye fabled swirlies' for a solid five minutes, the ferned-wonder had yet to complain. Cheryl nodded. "Their minds seem to be functioning… I had Hallie do a brain scan, but they seem to be emotionally disconnected." "Why did you lock them all in?" Visionary asked, speaking up to be heard over the renewed flushing of the toilet. He was momentarily concerned about the health effects of the bleach in the water, but realized that spiffy's hair was already white anyway. "For their own safety" Cheryl assured him. "They have a hard time saying no right now… I didn't think they should be wandering the streets." She sat down wearily in a large, overstuffed chair by the window. "And then there's Lisa… it's been like locking a wolf up in a sheep pen. Thankfully I got here before she could coax Zebulon up onto that trapeze over her bed. However, I'm afraid Finny may never be the same again…" She rubbed her brow. "At this moment, I could use a little of whatever they're on… I don't think I can tolerate too much more of this." There was a splash and thunk, followed by some gurgling as Donar suddenly came charging out of the bathroom. "What didst thou say?" Cheryl blinked. "About not being able to tolerate much more of this?" "Aye…! Now I know what be the cause of this malady" he stated gravely. He gave them both his best knowing look. "'Tis the deplorable 'Lake of Tolerance'." "He's right" Hallie confirmed. "It's in the water filter." Cheryl frowned. "How did water from this… what did you call it again?" "The Lake of Tolerance" Donar supplied. "'Tis a natural feature of the land of the Austernals. The foul waters are said to render any condition most tolerable to those who bathe in them." "Foul?" Visionary asked. "Tis most polluted." "Why don't they clean it up?" Cheryl held her head in her hands. "I'm betting they don't mind much" she sighed. "Are the waters really that powerful? Would a filter soaked in them really have that strong an effect?" "If the legends be true, then Verily… they would be strong enough to maketh thou succumb to the manly charms of even Space Ghost with but nary a drop." Cheryl shuddered noticeably. "So once more… how did this lake-water end up in the Lair's hot water heater?" Donar paced thoughtfully. "Valiant Sersi didst have a glorious hot tub installed in her quarters, is this not so?" "True…" Visionary confirmed. "Um… so I heard" he added hastily at a glance from his wife. "Then methinks that thou wilt find that stalwart elfin handyman Zebulon didst swap filters from the now vacant living quarters of the lovely Sersi in a bit of routine maintenance." "You mean Sersi purposely soaked in that water?" Visionary asked. "Nay" the godly legionnaire answered. "Methinks someone didst overhear about the effects of the indulgent waters." "But who would…" Cheryl clenched her fists. "When all this is over…" she hissed, "I swear I'm going to borrow the fashion sense of Davy Crockett." "Impressive deductions there" Hallie noted approvingly. "It checks out with the maintenance log perfectly." "Aye…" Donar nodded. "One does not partake of countless hours of 'Matlock' for naught." Suddenly the Lair Alarm went off, sending an alert signal throughout the mansion. "Oh no…" Cheryl sighed. "Did Lisa manage to unscrew the hinges to her door again?" "Not this time" Hallie replied briskly. "Check the monitors." "People of Parodiopolis!" Baron Zemo announced dramatically from the screen, the crisp blue sky shining brightly behind him. Off to his left stood the Diabolical Dr. Moo, while to his right rested a very large, very bizarre looking canon. "It is I, your ruler by divine right! Today, I unveil my greatest creation--the Graviton Accelerator!---patent pending." The camera swung to take in the Kirby-esque machine. "From here, atop the highest structure in Parodiopolis, it projects a dome of energy around the entire greater metro area! Inside this dome, the acceleration of falling objects is increased twentyfold! Terminal Velocity is negated altogether!" "From this… *ahem* From this…. psssssst! Pssssst! On me, you idiot!!!" the Baron hissed, prompting the camera to swing back towards his purple clad face. After a grunt of disgust, he continued. "From this height, the normal acceleration of gravity is enough to drive a dropped bullet straight through a human skull! With my machine, the same ounce of lead could crack the engine block of a Mac Truck!!! Mere raindrops will hit like machine gun fire! Falling acorns will smash windshields! This will be the world you shall live in for the next three hours, citizens of Parodiopolis… a world were the laws of physics bow to my genius!!!" Dr. Moo raised a hand to her mouth and coughed politely. "Yes, yes… and that of my technical staff." The Baron turned and stalked with dramatic care to the controls of his Graviton Accelerator. "The governments of the world have exactly three hours to surrender control of their countries to me. Learn from the devastation of Parodiopolis the folly of opposition! If you do not, I shall have no recourse but to activate the Accelerators I have placed in orbit and leave the world riddled with smoking craters! So swears Zemo!!!" "Oh…" he added as he flipped the switch on the consule. "… and I'd be careful about walking under any birds if I were you people." "I do so miss his little speeches." Hallie sighed following the broadcast. With a look of defeat, Cheryl patched the vid-screen through to Jarvis's room. "Um… Jarvis? Zemo just threatened to annihilate the surface of the planet unless he's given total control…" she said with a reserved sigh. "How do you feel about that?" "Works for me" Jarvis answered with a shrug as he turned off the communication. "Just great" Visionary moaned. "What do we do about that now? Zemo's being pretty brazen… he must be ready for the Lair Legion to act." "Bah!" Donar proclaimed. "Zemo is of no concern. Always doth he predictably succumb to the might of the Lair Legion assembled! Our only concern be curing our noble teammates of the excessive good-naturedness which doth hold sway most foully over their misguided selves!" "All right" Cheryl said brushing her hands together. "Let's get to it. What do we need to do?" "Simple" the Ausgardian legionnaire replied, "We have naught to do but acquire one thing…" "Which is?" Visionary prodded. "That which be most intolerable in all the universe!!!" Visionary, who thought he'd post an actual story rather than debate where we might post them later... ;- |
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