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*ahem*... okay, so the story is actually included in this one... Wednesday, 10-May-2000 14:59:16
"Just great" Visionary moaned. "What do we do about that now? Zemo's being pretty brazen he must be ready for the Lair Legion to act." "Bah!" Donar proclaimed. "Zemo is of no concern. Always doth he predictably succumb to the might of the Lair Legion assembled! Our only concern be curing our noble teammates of the excessive good-naturedness which doth hold sway most foully over their misguided selves!" "All right" Cheryl said brushing her hands together. "Let's get to it. What do we need to do?" "Simple" the Ausgardian legionnaire replied, "We have naught to do but acquire one thing" "Which is?" Visionary prodded. "That which be most intolerable in all the universe!!!" Visionary screwed up his face. He thought long and hard. Well, he made it look as though he was thinking long and hard. Surprisingly, inspiration struck. "Oooh..Teletubbies?" Cheryl gazed at her loving husband and remembered one of the reasons she loved him so… his innocence and complete failure to grasp concepts like "logic" and "reality". "Nay, mine old friend, but..eh..nice try nonetheless.." "Perhaps we could find something so intolerable, it would snap them out of this... shock them back to life?" Visionary continued "Uh, honey?" Cheryl interjected "That's kinda what we were doing already." A proud smile beamed across Visz's face. "Lucky I thought of it then, isn't it?" "Yes Dear" Cheryl lied. "Methinks there be one thing totally intolerable that could help us rally against Zemo and the dreaded scourge of the Lake of Intolerance..but it be so verily gruesome...so unholy..so completely lacking in reason or rhyme, e'en I shudder to think about unleashing it upon the realm of Parodygard." Donar paused dramatically, cradling his chin like a thinking Adam West Batman... "What? What is so vile and unmentionable that it can't be..um..mentioned?" Cheryl hesitantly enquired." Donar turned to her with a solemn look. "Intolerant self-righteous white people." Cheryl and Visz jumped back in a mix of horror and bad street theatre. "Donar!! You can't say that, you cant mention things like that, it's not...politically correct!"Cheryl objected "Then you see the folly, Milady...by invoking the most destructive force known to mankind, we may free the LL of one fate, condemning them to another.." "Maybe we could re-evaluate the Teletubbie idea..I mean, Po and Tinky Winky are pretty damn annoying.." Visionary re-stated. The idea was met with disapproving stares "...or we could not." "Donar's right" Cheryl decided. "How do we invoke them though?" "Tis easy...but mine own cure may not work on that of mine allies.." Donar continued.. " There was an occasion wherein the waters from the lake had been rained upon my homeland by mine evil half sister. She, being the malevolant type, tried to make all Ausgardians totally complacent in our thoughts, thus freeing up her chance to o'ercome the realm for her own wicked ends. I this case, seeing as I managed to hide bravely beneath mine bedcovers, I was spared the fate of my kin. I then retrieved mine father's mighty weapon Channelclikr and managed to find a source of totally incoherent drivel that woke mine family up...That source being Current Affairs shows." Visionary stood stunned. "You mean current affairs woke up gods?" "Aye...they did prattle on that Judas Priest didst cause suicide and that music and movies shouldst be banned as a result.." "That's idiotic!" Cheryl observed. "Aye..and verily so.Yet I fear unleashing the power here.." "We have no choice" Fleabot piped up from behind them. "Do it Thunderguy." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And so Donar begun the ceremony..In a circle of salt he placed the items..Guns and Roses "Lies" album, an HBO Spawn video, an Austin Powers toy that said "Shag"and a nosering. Finally, he began the incantation... "Akcuf Elcnu Ecaf Gnikcuf Ruoy Tuhs...." There was a rising of smoke as a suited gentleman appeared before them. "...Retal Gahs Ew Llahs Ro Won Gahs Ew Llahs!!!" The entity awoke..."On tonight's show...Rob Zombie responsible for the Bosnian conflict.." "Aaaah" Donar cried.." Avert thine senses whilst I bind this demon with a hexmark!!" Cheryl covered her eyes, Fleabot covered his mouth, and Visionary ruined a classic "three wise monkeys" gag by embedding his fingers up his nose. "Well.." He tried to rationalise " ..thab sbmoke sbtinkbs " ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Zemo looked at his watch. "Is it time yet, Moo?" Moo fiddled some controls on the huge contraption "Not yet, Mine Herr" "Damn!! Why must I wait so long!! Why have the Lair Legion not yet arrived? They know they must first attempt to save the world before the thrill of destroying it means anything..WE HAVE A DEAL!!!" Moo comforted her leader. "It is nearly ready, Baron...4...3..2..1..*ding* Here. Here's your Hot Cocoa." She opened a panel on the machine that looked suspiciously like a microwave door, bringing the refreshing beverage over to Zemo as he accepted it with a grin. "Mmmm..yummy..is it fresh?" "Just squeezed it myself.." "And two marshmallows? You know how I like marshmallows.." "Yes Herr Baron." Zemo took another long sip. He lowered the cup to reveal a prominent milk moustache. Moo smiled to herself. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "OK" Donar confided his friends. "All is safe, thy demon art bound." Cheryl came down the stairs first, holding Visionary's hand. He insisted that she go first, just in case there was a suprise rear attack. "Wow...he looks rather influential." She stated. She was right. The slick hair, the Armani suit..this looked like a man of truth. How deceiving looks can be..he was in fact on of many demons sent to plague earth when the onset of television arrived. By spreading fear and intolerance, they had almost managed to conquer Earth, all that remained were a few voices that had yet to be silenced. Mostly musicians, actors and writers. "Ok..now, how do we set him loose?" Visionary enquired, poking it with a stick from behind Donar's frame. "We needs gather the Legion here..then we canst begin." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "When do we begin?" Zemo was growing impatient. It had been nearly two hours since his televised warning, and still no response. Not even a curious pigeon managed to dispel his disappointment. "I don't know what the world's coming to Moo, really, I don't. You'd think people would have the common courtesy to at least reply to a threat of world domination..how hard is it to pick up a phone?" "Um, you didn't bring your mobile phone up here Baron..you said you didn't want to have your speech inturrupted by "La Cucaracha" again." Moo noted. "*ahem* Yes, well...that was a flaw on your behalf..I was testing your resourcefulness, Moo, and I'm afraid you let me down." "Actually Baron, I have my cordless phone with me..the LL are speed dial 3." She offered, handing the little cowhide cased communications device over to Zemo."It's for when Lisa calls with a computer problem. I'm surprised she hasnt called by now, it's been 2 days..." "Maybe she's having a phone problem too." "Strange though..she's the most highly strung woman I've ever seen on a computer...she hates the damn things......." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Visionary and Fleabot had finally finished coaxing the entire LL down to the main room. Donar stood behind the Media-demon, ready to unlesh it's evil shocking potential. Cheryl and Visionary covered their ears.."OK...GO FOR IT!!" Donar swiftly removed the hexmark from the demon's mouth. RRRRIIIIPPPPP!!!! (Magic sometimes sounds like ripping gaffa tape.) "OW!" The demon howled in pain. "Begin thy work, Infospawn!!" Donar commanded. "A man in Idaho held up a bus full of schoolchildren today. Police ransacked his apartment and found a Simpsons T-Shirt. This means that the Simpsons made him do it..." spiffy slid in his seat uncomfortably.."that's...not.." The demon continued..."It has been revealed that Charles Manson likes the Spice Girls. If you listen to them, you too will become a killer.." "But I like.." Zebulon started to wake.. "A Reverend in Australia has labelled the South Park Movie as Canadian Kiddieporn..he said that it glorifies Satan and promotes self immolation.." ( scary footnote..this one is a real quote..He's also said Marilyn Manson is the Antichrist and the yellow Tellytubby was a gay icon for children.) The Lair stood....almost defiantly...something in their minds was starting to strain.. "Verily, we hath nearly gained success!!" Donar proclaimed jubilantly. Cheryl made her way through the semi-conscious zombies that were starting to become the good old illogical violent tribe they once were "One more should do it...a big one!!" "A recent study shows that comics are dumb and only nerds read them.." Everything stopped. The air was still.The Lair was shocked awake with this latest dose of asinine stupidity. DK looked down to see he was adorned with pretty heart stickers all over his costume and a pink bow around his head.." "WHO.....DID....THIS???" The LL sized up the situation in an instant. "HE DID" they all lied in unison, pointing at the demon before them. "Wait a second! " The demon objected "If you attack me it will prove that comics make you a violent person!!" "Fine" DK remarked as begun laying a savage beating to the demon. He was then joined by the rest of the lair. spiffy: "call the Simpsons evil, willya?" Donar: "And thou wouldt dare to defame the satirical insight of Trey Parker? Die infidel!!" They continued hitting, punching and gouging, until he was no more...the demon, I mean. Cheryl looked over the room "Oh no...LISA!!" Lisa stood..still relaxed and uncaring..totally tolerant of all things before her... "We failed." Fleabot wittily mentioned. "How do we awaken the woman that could tolerate sex with Fin Fang Foom BEFORE the water hit her?" The phone rang. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Zemo stood forlornly as he held Moo's cellular to his ear.."Come on, dammit...someone answer!!" Moo started to pack up the machine. It was starting to rain and she was second guessing her decision to use cheese spread as a waterproof sealant. Zemo went to say something to her, as the phone was answered on the other end. "Hello?" "Yes, It is the brilliant Baron Zemo here!! Are you ready to admit defeat at my most ingenous device yet?" "Who is this again?" "ZEMO...B..a..r.o..n..z..e.m.." "Oh, sorry, thought you said Nero.." "Who is this?" "Who wants to know?" "Baro..hey!! " "*snicker* Gotcha..this is the LL's secretary speaking, is this an emergency?" "Um..well, yes, if you do not submit to my evil whim, I will be forced to crush you like little bitty bugs." "Hold please." "Now wait, how dare you...* the "Girl From Ipanema" softly hums in the background*...I can't believe this.." Moo wandered over "Did you get through?" "I'm on hold..ME!! The Baron!! The Lord of their destruction!!" "You got Troia, didn't you?" "The secretary? Yes." "Tell her I said hi.." "Sure, no pr..GET INSIDE!!" "Fine..." Moo wanders inside the castle, the machine carefully folded into it's carry case under her arm. The hold music stops. "Hello...this is The Visionary speaking..." "Visionary? Where's the boss?" Zemo demanded. "She's in a catatonic state right now..can I take a message?" "She? Where's Jarvis?" "Dunno..he's out somewhere.." Moo interrupted from another line "Whats wrong with Lisa? What is it this time? Multiple?" "Oh, no...she's gone all tolerant." "Yeah?" "Really!!" "Wow..I should tell her that I lost her favorite earrings now, take advantage of it!" "Well" Visionary joked " That's what sibling rivalry's for!!" Baron Zemo was growing quite upset by this stage."Now listen, If you don't start taking this threat seriously, I...I'm...Oh to hell with it, you've ruined my mood now..I'm going to my room." As a last defiant act, he flung the phone down into the moat below.. "So" Moo continued.." She's tolerant, eh?" "Yup. The whole Lair was..but Donar called up a Media Hack who snapped them out of it with a bit of basic rage and poor logic." "Rage, huh...I have an idea.." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- spiffy, Donar, Cheryl, Visionary and Fleabot all stood outside Lisa's barricaded door. DK had failed to show as he was busy brooding in his room. Some fool left the drapes open and all his lovely darkness had escaped through an open window. Donar turned to Visionary "She hath been contained therein for nigh on an hour..how much longer must she remain?" "Until Moo's idea kicks in.." the sound of smashing is heard.."..which I think it just did.." The door is thrown open as Lisa storms out, Mjalcom in hand, shards of smashed computer pieces in her hair. She screams.. "BRING ME THE HEAD OF BILL GATES ON A F%$KING PLATTER" "She's back" Cheryl sighs. Visionary, a bit out of practice... |
| "In Hot Water" part 1 (An old tag team by Vizh and Donar... this being my half) (Visionary, who thought he'd post an actual story rather than debate where we might post them later... ;-) (10-May-2000 14:55:10) |
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