Tales of the Parodyverse

Mr. Epitome #12, Part Two


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killer shrike
Sat Sep 20, 2003 at 09:27:45 pm EST
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Mr. Epitome #12


“Comes the Cavalry”


The Conclusion



The Grey Eminence watched the impending execution of Mr. Epitome with some concern. He did not worry about the outcome of the Sybian invasion: that was all but over. Once the HMS Invincible was in range it could level the Emperor Scorpion’s assault force outside Lebask with long range bombers. That would lead to heavy casualties among the trapped American soldiers south by the Pashad Mountains, which hurt the Grey Eminence greatly. But he had sent thousands of men to die in his long life, and over causes less important than this.

It was losing Epitome that troubled him. The aged ultranationalist had personally approved the rookie FBI agent with the spotless pedigree to become the first recipient of the energies of the Divine Spark, energies that would transform him into one of the most powerful men on the planet. At the time he was to be the first of many, but the Spark had proved very difficult to control.

Dominic Clancy never was. For a dozen years the man, unknowingly and knowingly, had served the Eminence, and through him, America. The real America, not the pathetic construct the revisionists would like to supplant it with. The Grey Eminence’s America was one where power was coveted, celebrated, and used for the benefit of those in the world willing to support his American Dream.

For those who rose against him; well, they were what Mr. Epitome was for.

The pirated spy-satellite feed gave the Eminence a close to courtside view of the Star Spangled Splendor’s predicament. Two enemies, the mutate giant Musk Ox and the armored Emperor Scorpion, were hammering away at the fallen hero. They had somehow managed to remove Glory, Epitome’s canine partner, from the field of battle. The Eminence hoped he hadn’t lost her too.

Suddenly the view from the satellite shifted. It had picked up a new visual, one that was unsettling enough to the Grey Eminence that he sat bolt upright in his hospital bed and screamed in a cracked and ancient voice at the screen.

“No! No!!”

*****


Mr. Epitome was putting up a remarkable fight, the Mind’s Eye had to admit.

Despite the crippling wounds, two strains of deadly toxins ravaging his body, and the near dementia he exhibited from a dozen days without sleep, the Exemplary Man continued to resist the telepath’s probes into his guarded memories. It had taken her four minutes just to wrest free the embarrassing, though trivial secret that he had wept at the end of the movie Brian’s Song.

The Russian supervillainess, secret partner of the master criminal Factor X, used her powers to coax the men pummeling Epitome into easing off. If Emperor Scorpion and Musk Ox kept their current pace, they would kill the hero before anything of value was learned.

“That’s your scheme, isn’t it? You’re hoping to die before I can pillage your mind,” the wraith-like form thought to him.

“Only cowards hope for death, villain,” Mr. Epitome’s response was labored, but unyielding.

“And only fools wait for miracles. It’s over, Dominic,” she stressed his pseudo-secret identity.

He was unfazed, “Do you know why you and your employer will always be second rate?”

The Mind’s Eye telekinetically imploded the hero’s eardrums.

After beating down the pain, Epitome told her, “Because you don’t know how to plan. The secret is to set things up so that even if you lose, you win.”

Nadezhda Prokofiev was ready to scoff at the “Sun Tzu for Dummies” epigram, but events overtook her:

A blur flying at (Houston) rocket speed caught Emperor Scorpion by the tail, dragging him miles across the rough desert terrain.

The air around the combatants changed from being laden with deadly pheromones to not-at-all deadly xylophones, which clanged noisily to the ground.

A golden flash enveloped Musk Ox, who disappeared before he had a chance to vocalize the confusion that played across his face.

A trim figure in a Zorro outfit back-flipped into view. His/her smile never wavered as s/he impossibly punched the Mind’s Eye with enough force to break her astral nose.

As expected, the Lair Legion had lined up, and this time they were on Mr. Epitome’s side.

He wasn’t quite sure how he felt about that yet.

*****


After plowing three miles of the Sybian desert with Emperor Scorpion, Hatman changed tactics. Donning his Pittsburgh Steelers cap he crashed his armored form into the dazed Emperor. The duo tumbled several hundred yards, with the villain taking the brunt of the damage.

“I don’t know if you understand English, but you are under arrest,” the Legionnaire announced, punching away at the Scorpion’s helmeted head. One multi-faceted eye covering shattered from the assault.

“Die, infidel!” the Emperor blasted Jay Boaz with his wrist-mounted energy protectors. It was enough to stagger the hero.

Jay Boaz did not have time to waste on clichéd patter. He switched to his New England Blizzard hat and doused the Scorpion with temperatures hundreds of degrees below zero. The experienced crimefighter played a hunch that armor designed to function in the extreme North African heat might not respond well to such cold.

He was right. The suit buckled and cracked; every electronic system shorted. Putting on his Bulls cap, Hatman used the strength the logo gave him to shell Unskar Kuffadala from his frozen prison.

“Let’s go talk to your men,” Hatman grabbed the shivering villain by the collar after changing headwear once again, and flew off.

*****


“What the f%ck?” Musk Ox swore, as his surroundings changed from barren desert to barren tundra.

“Ah-ah,” G-eyed tutted, “no cursing in front of royalty.”

A stentorian voice boomed across the steppe, “Phaugh! Bry Katz, when thou saideth thou had a distraction from my duties as regent and the weak summer television schedule, no mention was made of yon challenge’s odor. Mine stables n‘er smelleth so foul!”

Musk Ox appraised at the goat-driving, horn-helmed, bat-wielding warrior wrinkling his nose at him, “What’s your deal, chump? You look tough, but you sure sound like a sissy.”

The skies over Ausgard darkened. Thunder rumbled in harmony to the Oldmanson’s own cadence, “Thou art hamburger, fetid one.”

“We just knew you two’d hit it off. Donar, I’ll be back to pick up what’s left of him in a few minutes,” Goldeneyed teleported to where he was actually needed.

*****


The shock and force of Yo’s punch was enough to snap the Mind’s Eye back to her corporal body. Factor X was already helping her from the recliner she rested in.

“It’s over. We must go,” he said simply.

The telepath picked up the urgency and turmoil that pervaded the thoughts of their base’s staff. An evacuation was in full swing: records were downloaded, evidence was destroyed.

“Are they here?”

“Not yet, but I’m not taking chances. Where the Lair Legion goes, the Dark Knight is sure to follow. I don’t want to be one of those fools surprised to see him step from the shadows, say something grim and pithy, and dash all that we’ve worked for,” Gregor Vasillych took his partner’s arm and led her out the door, “How are you?”

“I’ll feel better after I’ve reduced that thought-being to a drooling vegetable. How dare Yo put its hands on me?”

“You’re going to have to wait awhile for revenge, Nadya,” the duo boarded one of Factor X’s escape vehicles.

“Of course. We need to acquire better intelligence anyway. Our models did not anticipate the Legion getting involved so rapidly.”

Factor X lit a cigarette from the comfort of the rising hovercraft, “There’s no understanding heroes, sometimes.”

*****


Yo picked up the beaten Mr. Epitome and vaulted back the way s/he came. The Exemplary Man read the thought-being’s lips to make out what the hero/ine was saying.

“Yo and Mr. Epitome need to get to cute Ziles’s ship before the planes come.”

As s/he dodged the fire from the quickly recovered soldiers of Emperor Scorpion, Mr. Epitome tried to warn her through his smashed jaw, “I’ve been injected with an enhanced form of flesh-eating bacteria. It’s highly contagious.”

The Leaguer responded cheerily, “Uncute germs can’t hurt Yo if Yo doesn’t want them to. And Yo is thinking Ziles has medicines that will help Mr. Epitome.”

“Glory. What about Glory?”

“Don’t be worrying. Cute Glory is in good hands,” the thought-being replied over the explosions from the bombing run that destroyed Emperor Scorpion’s attack force.

*****


Visionary checked his crib sheet; then eased the yoke of the Lairjet forward. The ultramodern aircraft began a steady descent, “You ready?” he called back to the jet’s rear cabin.

“I still think this is a bad idea,” ManMan replied.

“The vote was 3-1 that you go. You can’t overrule the will of the majority,” Fleabot said from his position on Visionary’s left shoulder.

“Besides,” Knifey explained, “You’re the one with the super-powered grip.”

“What if she bites me?” the sequined superhero asked.

“Bite her back.”

“Ha-ha,” ManMan pulled down the goggles that rested on his jet-black pompadour. Then he made one last tug on the bungee cord tied to his waist and the Lairjet’s interior.

“We’re in range,” Visionary announced, “Opening the hatch….. now!” he flipped a toggle on the control panel.

The door next to ManMan slid open, exposing the hero to punishing winds and g-forces. He flew out into the wild blue yonder, tethered to the jet by the heavy cable.

The force of his exit shot him past his target, a mid-sized canine traveling over 500 miles per hour over Sybia, the victim of an attack over ten minutes ago by the Mind’s Eye. Cursing to himself, Joe Pepper grabbed onto the cable and slowly pulled his way along it, closer to Glory. When he finally was within reach ManMan lunged and caught the dog by the scruff of the neck.

“I got her!” ManMan screamed into his comm., “Hit the winch!”

“That’s the green button,” Fleabot offered to his host.

Soon both man, dog, and cutlery were back inside the Lairjet. Glory quickly made her way to the front of the plane.

“We need to go back,” she yipped to the leader of the LOR.

“Um, I beg your pardon?”

“She said Mr. Epitome is trapped in a well, and we need to follow her and save him,” Fleabot snarked.

Glory gave Visionary’s left shoulder a grim look.

“Don’t tease the super dog,” Joe said, joining everyone in the cockpit, “Epitome’s fine, Glory. We’ve got him. Really, it’s all over but the shouting.”

“And there will be shouting,” Knifey predicted.


Next: General Motives

But first, a word for and from the Continuity Conscious:

Originally the whole story was supposed to take place after the Ultizon epic. But now, given the uncertainly surrounding the LL’s status (or at the very least the status of one unknown member, check the Preview Section of the Hooded Hood’s website if want to see what I mean) I don’t know if the Lair Legion I’m writing about is the Lair Legion that will exist after the Thinking Machine story is over.

I guess that’s a convoluted way of saying that I may have to retcon the timing of the story, if things aren’t square.

Of course, if you could give a hang about continuity, reading all this was a waste of your time, and I apologize. But I’ll let you know next we get to see Mr. Epitome argue with a bunch of people, including his boss, his “girlfriend”, and a certain dragon. Again. There, now it wasn’t a total loss.



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