Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike
Sun Jan 18, 2004 at 01:42:29 am EST
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I lied. Here's Mr. Epitome #21
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Mr. Epitome #21


“Fighting Ignorance”


Last time: The Exemplary Man sought the aid of the Idiom, a criminal genius he had imprisoned earlier in his career. The duo traveled to the Lunar Public Library to gather information. There they encountered the curator of the LPL, Lee Bookman. The meeting was marred by a breach in security, as a strange extra-dimensional entity invaded building and smashed in one of the windows, exposing the heroes to the vacuum of space.


Mr. Epitome managed to get a handhold on the Lunar Public Library’s floor before the rush of escaping air flung him into the moonscape beyond. The destroyed window was as large as a drive-in movie screen, and the force of decompression was spectacular. He could feel his fingers tearing through the oaken boards and the solid granite beneath them.

With his free arm he held Letitia Gahagan, the Idiom. She was the one in true danger. While the woman’s intelligence was nearly beyond measurement, she was only human, and it wouldn’t be long before the rigors of space killed her. Epitome fumbled through one of his pouches, looking for the remote control for the Epitome Express. There was a chance he could call it, have it fly itself to their coordinates. It would be a longshot. The Paragon of Power craned his neck backwards to see how the Librarian and his robot were faring. He was surprised to see the man standing tall, unaffected by the whipping gale that threatened to suck Epitome and the Idiom into space.

Lee Bookman pressed a series of buttons on his console. A second glass wall slammed down, temporarily halting the decompression. The sound of vents opening and oxygen being rapidly pumped into the hall caught Epitome’s attention.

“That window is only seven-twelfths the thickness of the original. It won’t take the Nescience long to destroy it. We must subdue the avatars,” he said.

“The Nescience?” Mr. Epitome wasn’t sure he heard right over his popping eardrums.

“Sir, massive energy readings are being detected outside the Library,” A.L.F. RED reported as he shambled to his feet.

There was a flash at the window as bright as a small star. Then a familiar figure phased through it.

“Wow,” Amazing Guy commented, “What a mess.”

*****


The shadow creatures responded instinctively to the energies of the Protector of the Multiverse. They swarmed over the red and blue clad hero, engulfing him.

A dozen energy blades punctured through the writhing mass as Amazing Guy freed himself. He fired a blast into the gargantuan, pulsing form that was spilling across the Metaphysics Wing. This force, whatever it was, drew energy from an extra-dimensional source, which made it difficult to contain. Scott Brunsen tapped into his cosmic awareness and let it guide him and his powers until he located the conduit between these entities and the source of their strength.

Then he cut it.

The shadows seemed to howl when denied this link, and doubled their attempts at destroying the Library’s interior.

A.L.F. RED and Amazing Guy began picking off the wraiths with there energy weapons, leaving Epitome, the Librarian, and the Idiom to observe.

“What is this thing?” the Paragon of Power asked.

“There will be time for that later,” the Librarian replied, “We’re about to be attacked.”

Epitome spun around to watch more of the shadow monsters rush towards him. He was unsure of what to do: physical force didn’t seem to hurt them. Suddenly a nimbus of energy sheathed his forearm, solidifying into a disc shaped construct.

“That ought to help you, Mr. Epitome,” Amazing Guy said as he crushed a score of the enemy in a massive energy vice, “I hope you don’t mind the configuration. It…. seemed right,” AG explained with a smile.

The Exemplary Man nodded and bashed a creature to fragments with the shield, “It’ll do,” and he leapt into the fray.

*****


The Librarian closed the tome that rested on his desk. The battle ended a half hour ago in a route. Now the major participants were gathering to discuss what was to be done next, “It’s the Nescience.”

“Yes. Eggo thought as much,” Amazing Guy concurred.

“Nescience means ignorance,” the Idiom explained to Mr. Epitome in a stage whisper, “and Eggo is a brand of waffle.”

“I’m aware of that. Librarian, what does this creature want?”

“To call it a creature is a misnomer. The Nescience is a philosophical weapon, constructed by enemies of the Intergalactic Order of Librarians. Its purpose is to spread benightedness throughout the Parodyverse.”

“So it was built by the Republican Party then,” Letitia nodded thoughtfully from her chair.

“Please. Stop,” Mr. Epitome said in a tone bordering on exasperation. Amazing Guy, leaning on the wall behind the seated duo, suppressed a grin.

The Librarian coughed, “Moving on: the Nescience was captured and contained millennia ago by the IOL. Someone must have reactivated it. The weapon attacks in a series of waves, sending avatars first to destroy physical manifestations of the acquisition of knowledge. Libraries, universities, religious institutions; all leveled.”

“Why wasn’t Earth attacked?” Epitome asked.

“The Lunar Public Library served as a first line of defense. If it fell the Nescience would have continued on to the planet. The IOL is reporting dozens of branches have been compromised,” Amazing Guy spoke up. His link to the universe was sending him images of a number of alien worlds trying to stop the threat.

“The next strike is more insidious. The Nescience goes after the portions of the brain that process language, creativity, and reflective thought. Entire civilizations are reduced to their prehistoric roots, completely unable to master even the basic fundamentals of organized society as long as they are under the Nescience’s shadow.”

“It’s safe to assume the Nescience will attack again,” Epitome stated, “How do we stop it?”

“We stop the weapon at its source,” the Librarian pulled an atlas from a shelf and began flipping through it, “It was originally housed on Osmondine-3. It should still be located there.”

Amazing Guy went around the Librarian’s desk and examined the star chart, “That’s 25,000 light years away. I’m not going to be able to carry all of us. We’ll need transportation.”

“All of us?” the Librarian seemed doubtful, “I shouldn’t leave the Library.”

“And there is a situation on Earth that I am attempting to resolve,” the Paragon of Power made mention of the civilians trapped in a stasis field after an accident involving an OPS vehicle and the robotic Enlarging Man.

“That’s taken care of,” the Idiom piped in, “I figured out a code you can beam into the robot’s cybernetic cortex that will deactivate it.”

“Excellent. Then you can be returned to Greentown Penitentiary.”

“I don’t think that’s wise,” Amazing Guy said, “The Nescience is a considerable threat. It harnesses the primal power of darkness. Built to return the universe to a time before there was even a spark of intelligence, it seeks to rob us of everything that makes us human. Self-determination, reason, compassion, will all be gone. We will become nothing more than beasts if it succeeds. It must be destroyed, and who better to do that than us: four people who know there is no greater power than an inquisitive mind?”

“Wow,” the Idiom said breathlessly, “Now that’s how to use the bully pulpit,” she stared expectantly at Mr. Epitome, “How come you don’t talk like that?”

Epitome groused, “I don’t have the talent for turning a flowery phrase. If I quoted Shakespeare’s Saint Crispin’s Day speech from Henry V would that sufficiently inspire you?”

“You mean de Vere’s Saint Crispin’s Day speech, right?” Letitia teased.

“Not this again,” the Exemplary Man got ready to defend the Bard’s honor.

As the two argued, Lee Bookman gave his friend a concerned glance. Amazing Guy took notice and smiled knowingly, “I know, but we’ll need them. Trust me.”

*****


The LPL had come into possession of a Shee-Yar deep space exploration vessel (confiscated from its owner when he proved unable to pay the fine for a significantly overdue first edition of Enchiridion). Idiom borrowed the Library’s satellite feed to broadcast the signal that would deactivate the Enlarging Man’s stasis field and subsequently send it to times unknown, then began helping to refit the ship for the significant journey ahead of it. Amazing Guy dragooned a shift of solid energy workmen to help. He monitored their work, and kept track of inventory. Mr. Epitome was explicit that the Idiom should not be allowed to make off with any of items she might cause havoc with, which was nearly anything.

The tall brunette chatted up the Protector of the Multiverse while checking the space craft’s hull for stress fractures, “So I figure the Nescience is anti-intelligence, right? If that’s the case, what if I designed a projector that gave off theta waves at 5.5 Hertz? That’s the frequency for knowing. They could be used as weapons against it. Does that sound goofy enough to work?”

“I suppose,” Amazing Guy responded while floating above the work being done, “You could call them ‘smart bombs.’”

“Yeah. See, you get it. The weirdness of this place. E, he doesn’t,” the Idiom sighed, “He gets his knickers in a twist trying to make sense of it sometimes.”

Scott Brunsen was not normally one to pry, but he knew little of the Idiom or Mr. Epitome personally, and such ignorance may lead to errors in the field. Or so he rationalized when he broke one of his rules and made a personal observation, “You two have an interesting dynamic. How long have you known each other?”

“Four years. The first we were enemies. I was pointing out the stupidity of our military-industrial complex and he was protecting it. Our conflict got a little obsessive. Epitome finally caught me and put me away,” a distant look came to her eyes and her voice grew reflective, “But he wouldn’t leave me alone. E’s bound and determined to make an honest woman out of me.”

“Is that what you want? Him around I mean. You seem like you’re already pretty honest,” Amazing Guy descended to floor level. What he was hearing fit in with some concerns he and the others had about the government agent.

“The attention is nice,” Letitia admitted, “It’s kind of flattering to be noticed by the closest thing the Parodyverse has to Superman. Present company excepted, of course,” she smiled at the caped hero, “But still, I wonder sometimes if Epitome realizes how twisted our relationship is.”

Mr. Epitome did. Eavesdropping from his station in one of the ship’s computer banks, the Paragon of Power was downloading the LPL’s copious notes on the Nescience. All this data available and the weapon still was unleashed on its target, the Intergalactic Order of Librarians. More proof, if Epitome needed any, that there was a discernable difference between book smarts and street smarts.

While he mulled this Lee Bookman, curator of the Lunar Public Library, walked in. His body language revealed him to be a person terribly conflicted by the path ahead.

“Well, it’s done. I have sent the beacon to notify our branch’s members that the LPL is closed until further notice. Though it galled me to do so.”

“You didn’t have much of a choice,” Epitome offered.

“Perhaps not. It feels like admitting defeat, if only temporarily. The philistine who reactivated the Nescience better hope we never meet.”

The Exemplary Man fought alongside an aspect of the Librarian, and while the man possessed remarkable courage, he seemed lacking in the powers department, “Does your station, ah, grant you the means to deal with such a threat?”

“As a Librarian, I have the authority to protect any property, intellectual or otherwise, of the IOL. And while I’m not able to, say, drop-kick a bulldozer into orbit, I do have certain abilities that….” Lee Bookman’s voice trailed off, “Yes. Yes that might work. Excuse me, Mr. Epitome. I need to confer with Ms. Gahagan,” and the Librarian absently turned and walked out.

*****


The Nescience may not be considered a living thing, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t learn from past mistakes. When it was reactivated the construct took immediate control of the planet that housed it and reduced its inhabitants to their savage origins. Then the weapon began launching its avatars in a rapid, random pattern, hoping the confusion would increase the probability of success. Dozens of Libraries fell, the systems they serviced exposed to the Nescience’s unrelenting function.

There were setbacks. One ambush had been threatened by a combatant whose energy signature the Nescience’s programming recognized. The current Protector of the Mulitverse had cut its shadow minions from their source of power. That meant the Nescience’s position was revealed.

The metaphysical doomsday machine optioned to fortify its base. It spewed out billions of avatars, until they circled the planet and darkened the sky. Osmandine-3 became a sphere of blackness from which no thought could penetrate. Let its enemies come. It was ready.

*****


It had taken the heroes the better part of a lunar day to prepare the Shee Yar cruiser for flight. The journey through hyperspace to their target would last for them two more.

They kept busy. The Librarian and Amazing Guy took turns piloting the ship. When one was in the captain’s chair the other would rest, or be in contact with their supervisors (the IOL Council and Eggo the Living Waffle respectively), gathering information on the siege. Across the universe things had reached a stalemate. It was believed the Nescience was regrouping its forces for another assault, and with a number of planets under its control, the weapon’s power would be even greater.

The Idiom spent her time in the ship’s armory, modifying the arsenal that would be used against the Nescience. The Librarian’s suggestion for a way to defeat their foe seemed sound, and Letitia was putting her own special imprint on the plan while under Mr. Epitome’s watchful eye.

“So,” she began while soldering some circuitry onto the Thinking Cap, “Are we having fun yet?”

The Exemplary Man chose to answer the facetious question, “As these things go, yes.”

The Idiom lifted her welder’s goggles and gave her guard a surprised look, “Really?”

“Really. This is different from most of my conflicts. Usually I’m not on a mission so black and white. My work is more subtle. But fighting against the Nescience is almost like a vacation.”

“OK. I guess I can see that. I just figured this would be too High Concept for you,” Letitia explained. Taking on a physical manifestation of ignorance isn’t the same thing as building a case against a meta-terrorist like Factor X.

Epitome picked up one of the many tools in the armory’s workspace and began examining it, “Oh, it is. That’s why I’m letting the others take the lead. Cosmic adventure is their bailiwick. It’s good they are here,” he paused, “It’s good that you’re here too.”

“You weren’t too happy when I was busting your chops in front of the boys,” the Idiom recalled, “You wanted to send me back to my cell.”

“Well, your behavior was unprofessional, but if I truly minded your glib comments, I wouldn’t keep coming back for more.”

“I thought it was because you Catholics were gluttons for punishment. Oh, and because you want to get me to join your little conspiracy.”

“Not join it,” Epitome replied darkly, correcting her, “Understand it,” he put down the atomic-spanner and walked out, leaving a shocked Idiom alone and unsupervised in a room laden with technology capable of overthrowing countries.

“Hey,” she followed the man into the corridor, hurrying to keep up with his long-limbed gait, “Hey. All right. Sorry I brought it up.”

Mr. Epitome stopped. He looked at Letitia, her curly tresses held back from her face by a handkerchief, her eyes reflecting genuine remorse. The anger he felt embarrassed him, which strengthened the emotion and turned it even more inward.

“This is childish. We’re about to go into battle for the sake of the Parodyverse and I’m being self-indulgent. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. Be honest. Say what you have to and don’t run away from the consequences,” Letitia advised. There was a catch to her voice that hinted at her own anxiety, “Four years is a long time, Dominic. I don’t want to wait anymore.”

Dominic Clancy had always been a reserved man, but he was not socially awkward when it came to the opposite sex. Yet this woman, this situation, confounded him. He bought himself a moment to think of what to say by pulling off his cowl to speak to her face to face.

“I think a romantic relationship between us could work, though there are significant obstacles.”

“Yes,” she agreed.

“Nevertheless, I want to try.”

“OK.”

“Yes, then, well,” Epitome looked at her suspiciously, “You’re being awfully terse. I expected more of a discussion.”

The Idiom smiled, “Nope. Your problem has always been you think too much. I know we’re supposed to be geniuses but for this let’s act against type.”

Mr. Epitome reached out and took her hand, “We could go somewhere, and do something stupid. But not too stupid,” he amended quickly.

“That’s the worst pick up line ever, and you’re hearing this from a woman who’s been in prison the last three years,” but Letitia stepped closer anyway.

“I’ll stop talking if you do,” he challenged, half in jest, tracing a callused finger up Letitia’s bare arm. She shuddered at the sensation and then nodded.

Hand in hand, the two stole off to find a room where they could get to know one another better. They took their time, and were very thorough.

Next time: We have the conclusion of our story, as the four heroes (or three heroes and one relatively decent villain, or two heroes, one relatively decent villain, and a guy who’s hard to pin down in one category or the other. Take your pick of descriptors) battle the Nescience. And since I don’t think that part is going to be very long we’ll have the preview of the next arc, Tilting at Windmills, or You Can Fight City Hall if You Have Half the Power of Superman. Out hopefully midweek.




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