Last time: The Librarian, Amazing Guy, the Idiom, and Mr. Epitome defend the Lunar Public Library from the Nescience: a Weapon of Mass Confusion created by an unnamed enemy of the Intergalactic Order of Librarians. The quartet drives the force of, but elects to travel 25,000 light years to destroy the menace once and for all. Along the way Epitome and Idiom decide to test the feasibility of a romantic relationship.
The Hupmanndru colonists arrived on Osmondine-3 a century ago; their civilization having only mastered hyperspace travel a generation before that, and the race just beginning to dip their collective (prehensile) toe into the waters of intergalactic empire.
The first wave of explorers found Osmandine-3 to be cold, but habitable. The planet’s distance from its sun was 50% greater than their homeworld’s own orbit, but there had been oxygen present for enough of a greenhouse effect to create a viable climate. Hupmanndru population centers were located along the planet’s equator. Most of the colonists were terra-formers, altering and adjusting soil to make it possible for them to harvest their race’s staple crop: a leafy, high-stalked plant resembling Earth’s rhubarb.
Hupmanndru society was extremely provincial, and they took steps to bring their culture with them. Holo-museums, orchestral theaters, shrines to their Goddess, even two rival universities had already sprung up amongst the farms.
These were all destroyed as soon as the Nescience was set off. The weapon’s shadow minions demolished every sculpture, deleted every file, and defiled every temple. The eight hundred thousand Hupmanndru barely had enough time to register their shock watching their culture erased before the next strike: the Nescience bombarded the planet with mind-numbing energies which attacked the peoples’ higher order thinking centers in their three-lobed brains. This returned the Hupmanndru to a state they had long ago abandoned: that of arboreal nomads whose sole solution to any problem was savage violence.
The Nescience followed its prime directive and let the Hupmanndru tribes engage in their genocidal turf wars. Then the weapon’s sensors recognized a threat that forced it to alter its programming.
The Protector of the Multiverse was coming. The entity had successfully defended the Library at the Parodyverse’s axis point, and was most certainly on its way to Osmandine-3 to deactivate the Nescience. This required some variation in strategy.
The Anti-Intelligence issued new orders to the planet’s denizens, calling them off their vicious, territorial struggles and uniting them, half a million strong, towards one simple cause: defend the Nescience, at all costs.
*****
“Penny for your thoughts?” Letitia Gahagan said to Dominic Clancy as he scrolled his way down a computer screen in the Shee-Yar cruiser’s briefing room.
“I’m reading up on the physiology of the Hupmanndru, searching for ways to subdue them without causing too much damage. If the Librarian is correct the Nescience will be using them as shields.”
“And?”
Mr. Epitome leaned back in his chair and sighed, “There is a ganglia cluster beneath the right deltoid that if pressed with sufficient force may induce unconsciousness. However, I don’t think they’re going to give me much time to experiment.”
The Idiom looked at a representative of the alien culture on the monitor and whistled softly, “That’s one big, spiny, lemur-looking guy.”
“And the quills are poisonous,” Epitome added with a touch of resignation, “I won’t be able to do this without inflicting casualties, I’m afraid.”
Letitia turned the swivel chair so that he faced her. The two shared a smile.
“I have faith in you, E. You’ll figure something out.”
“Thank you,” the Exemplary Man chose now as a good time to broach a delicate subject, “We have to decide what we’re going to tell the others.”
“Tell them what?”
“Our tryst. I think we need to explain ourselves to them.”
Letitia Gahagan put her hands on her hips, “Why do they even need to know?”
Eptiome looked uncomfortable, “Well, I’m sure Amazing Guy already does know.”
“What, do you think Eggo told him?” Letitia changed the inflection of her voice, “Huh, huh. Dude, I saw Epitome and Idiom knocking boots in the ships laundry room.”
“I doubt very much the Living Waffle sounds like Spicoli.”
She ignored his dated reference, “Even if he does know, what business is it of his? We’re both over eighteen. We aren’t cheating on anyone, unless there’s a Mrs. Epitome you haven’t told me about.”
“No, no,” Dominic said hurriedly, “There may be a perception that I’m taking advantage of you, given your legal status.”
“So it’s about your reputation,” the tall brunette concluded.
“And yours.”
Letitia rolled her eyes, “Whatever. If you feel the need to explain your lifestyle to the Protector of the Multiverse knock yourself out. Personally, I think you just want to brag.”
“Yes. I am the type of person who likes to tell strangers the intimate details of my life in order to show off. You know me so well,” he grinned, stood up, and gave her a brief kiss.
“Things are always going to be this weird with you, huh?”
“Wait until it’s time for us to tell Glory,” he playfully warned.
“I’ll let you handle that. Dog dander sets off my allergies.”
Mr. Epitome grew serious, “Please tell me you’re joking.”
“I’m joking,” another kiss, “Wellp, I’m off to find L and fit him for the Thinking Cap. Uh, be careful down there.”
“I will,” he promised as he released her. The two parted to make final preparations for the siege of Osmondine-3.
*****
Amazing Guy stood in the ship’s command center looking at what their target had become. Osmandine-3 resembled a dull black pearl, its atmosphere roiling with the shadow avatars of the Nescience. From time to time Scott had to avert his gaze, for the sight of the planet would cause a throbbing pain in the back of his head if he stared too long.
Facing vast cosmic powers was nothing new to the hero. It was, in fact, the lead sentence in his job description. Dark Thugos, the Celestians, Amoral Guy: he had crossed swords with them all. The Nescience was just another in a long line of monstrous threats the master of the quantum force had to face. Still, he was glad the others were present to aid him.
Lee Bookman was an old ally. There were few Amazing Guy would rather have helping him against such an incomprehensible foe. The Idiom, despite her criminal past, was proving to be invaluable for her technical genius and positive spirit. And Mr. Epitome ranked as one of the most resourceful crimefighters in the Parodyverse. Scott had heard the OPS agent could be difficult to work with, but there had been no evidence of his purported controlling tendencies on this journey.
All in all, Amazing Guy was confident that the Nescience would fall. It was what would happen afterward that concerned him……
*****
“So it can’t be undone,” Letitia said to the Librarian as he sat in the Idiom’s workshop. She was running a diagnostic on her latest invention.
“No. Those societies that have been taken over by the Nescience will not recover upon the weapon’s destruction. The only way they can return to their previous level of civilization is by relearning what was lost.”
“That stinks. Who’s going to help them do that?”
“The IOL will, certainly. And there are others: perhaps the fledgling Yellow Flashlight Corps may decide to emulate their predecessors and work to maintain order. That’s what happened the first time the Nescience was launched,” Lee changed subjects, “Miss Gahagan, are you sure it’s not too late to change the aesthetic design of the instrumentation?”
“Oh, come on Librarian. Can you imagine a better look for the Thinking Cap than this?” she smiled and held up a circuitry-laden mortarboard.
“Several, actually.”
“Well, tough darts. Now remember when it’s time to activate it just yank on the tassel. That will get the ball rolling,” she handed him the cap, which the Librarian reluctantly put on.
“That looks smart,” the Idiom gave Lee a ‘thumbs up.’
The Librarian looked about as happy as a pit bull in a doggie sweater, “Yes. Quite.”
*****
The plan of assault had to be altered when the heroes viewed the new face of Osmondine-3. Idiom, from the ship, would launch missiles armed with theta-wave projectors in hopes of weakening the shield. Amazing Guy would provide air cover, attacking the shadow avatars that still existed. Then Epitome and the Librarian would travel planet-side and confront the Nescience and its living protectors. The latter three stood within the ship’s airlock, counting down for the battle.
“My energy shield will discorporate as soon as you two touch down on the surface. I’ll try to keep the Nescience’s minions busy, but it might send some down to harry you,” Amazing Guy advised.
“We’ll be ready. It’s fortunate the weapon was stored in such a cold clime. The Hupmanndru are used to tropical conditions, and should be severely lethargic,” Mr. Epitome theorized.
“Unless the Nescience let them remember how to start a fire,” the Librarian said darkly.
Scott Brunsen’s senses kicked in, “We’re within range. Everybody ready?”
After all complied affirmatively the Protector of the Multiverse gave the order, “Then let’s go.”
The Idiom-designed “smart missiles” crashed into the Nescience’s barrier, the theta-waves making cracks a quarter mile wide and several miles long across it. Amazing Guy carried Librarian and Epitome into space and set to work on deepening the gouges. Thousands of unmanned solid energy jackhammers pounded away. He gestured again, and a prybar the size of Italy materialized and wedged its way into the shadow shell.
“My God,” the Star Spangled Splendor was in awe, “I had no idea he was this powerful.”
From inside the energy bubble that protected them the Librarian agreed, “Amazing Guy is easy to underestimate.”
Even so, the effort was taxing Amazing Guy’s will. He could feel the beads of sweat forming and sliding under his own protective energy sheath. Millions of the avatars peeled off from the barrier and began streaking towards him and his allies. Their loss from the structure was enough to weaken it so that his galactic-class wrecking tool could open a pathway to the planet’s surface.
“Good luck guys,” he told them, as he willed the bubble into the breach before it closed around them. Then the Protector of the Multiverse faced off against the charging horde.
*****
The Librarian’s and Epitome’s descent was designed to decelerate so as to prevent them from being crushed on impact with the surface of the planet. The energy sphere came down roughly sixty miles from Osmandine-3’s northern pole right on top of the Nescience’s location. And its half million fanatical bodyguards.
“So, you’re going to be able to get me down to the subterranean bunker that holds the Nescience while fighting off the Hupmanndru,” the Librarian tried to keep it from sounding like a question.
“Yes,” Mr. Epitome said simply while studying the onrushing field of battle with his enhanced vision, “In fact, this may be easier than anticipated. The bunker is no longer underground.”
“What do you mean?”
“Someone has raised it to the surface and tore off its roof,” the Paragon of Power blinked rapidly, winced, and fell silent.
“Epitome, what’s wrong?” the Librarian asked.
“I saw the Nescience. It’s very disconcerting. I….” Mr. Epitome passed out.
The Librarian checked the man’s pulse to see if he was still alive. Then he checked his watch.
Thirty seconds to impact.
*****
Imagine staring into a sun so bright it could burn a hole through your brain. That accurately describes looking at the Nescience. Epitome knew that. He read the literature. He looked anyway. Like a rank novice. If he wasn’t stupid before, he soon would be. That’s how It worked. The Nescience was in there. In his Reason. Like barbarians storming the Temple at Athens. Vandalizing his billion dollar brain. (At the taxpayer’s expense) It was getting tiresome. So many others had played games with his mind. The Hood. Factor X’s pet telepath. Medici. Idiom. (Was the Idiom guilty of this crime? Of course) (She was too smart not to be) Epitome decided to do something about the constant fucking with his skull. So he focused, and fought back. He had a Duty to make sense of the world, and he wasn’t going to let anything stop him.
After they landed and their protection dissipated, the Librarian and his comatose ally were surrounded by the Hupmanndru, who howled like their primeval ancestors. Any moment Lee expected them to start throwing their feces. And then things would get really unpleasant.
Mr. Epitome suddenly sat bolt upright, snarled, “Nice try Nescience, but this brain was Made in the USA!!” and started swinging.
“Well, thank goodness for that,” the Librarian muttered, while the Exemplary Man pummeled his way through the Hupmanndru army. He began picking his way over the fallen aliens towards his target. Epitome had been correct: some force had dragged the chamber that housed the Nescience to the light of day. A half a kiloton of vanadium steel spit up from its base two miles under the planet’s tundra, its walls and ceiling warped and shattered. Whatever reactivated the devastating weapon was a power in its own right.
The Librarian clambered up the side of the bunker’s walls as best he could. Even through the thick steel walls he could feel the power of the Nescience. He reached the top (kicking away a stray Hupmanndru that managed to avoid Epitome’s rampage), twisting his way past the sharp edges of the broken roof. Lee Bookman stopped and caught his breath.
He swung down onto the floor below with his eyes closed. The Nescience rested before him. Even without his sight, that was obvious. The black mass of anti-intelligence sensed the Librarian as well, and released its inky avatars to consume his mind.
Lee Bookman turned on the Thinking Cap and reached out to the Nescience, willing his own powers to counter his foe’s own. The Librarian could transmit knowledge of anything he touched into an entity, and with the Idiom’s invention on he was in contact with his Library’s entire catalogue. One million years of ideas, from the ridiculous to the sublime, crashed past the Nescience’s firewalls.
The system shut down. The skies over Osmandine-3 cleared. The cries of rage coming from the Hupmmandru changed to cries of fear as they faced a seemingly unstoppable foe.
“And that’s the end of that chapter,” the Librarian smiled.
*****
Thousands of light years away, Honey Bee was not amused, “We expected more,” she told the space suited alien.
The male, flanked by a swarm of the Bee’s Carapacian Guard, bowed modestly, “I am sorry, your majesty,” his translator program told her.
“You told us this weapon would grant us scores of benighted planets to add to the Hive. Yet our scouts report nothing of the kind.”
“Still, the Nescience did as advertised. There are plenty of candidates out there for you to pick through and add to your collective.”
“Pick through?” Honey Bee repeated, the sibilant buzz to her voice becoming harsh, “We are the Supreme Majesty of the Hive Mind, the most ordered empire in the galaxy. Do not presume to compare us to parasites.”
“Forgive me, your Highness.”
Honey Bee’s multi-faceted eyes seemed to bore through the man’s opaque visor, “If it is anyone who picks through the remnants of superior cultures, it is you.”
“Yes, milady.”
The Honey Bee gestured, and a drone brought the alien his payment, “You do not deserve this. Leave here and do not contact us again unless you wish to serve as nourishment for our children.”
The man was escorted to the palace’s docking bay, where he boarded a modified Skunk saucer. His partner waited for him to take his seat before activating the ship’s engines.
“The worst part of dealing with megalomaniacal world conquerors,” Doctor Vassilych said as he took off his helmet, “Is their ingratitude.”
The Mind’s Eye smiled from her station, “Well, it wasn’t as if we were going to let her take over the cosmos anyway.”
“Very true, my dear Nadya,” Factor X agreed, “It would be bad for business,” the aged Russian held up the canister given to him by the Bee and shook it. Her Majesty’s royal jelly slopped around inside.
“Let’s get this back to the lab and see what we can make of it. I’m hoping for something dangerous and profitable.”
The duo soared away from the Hive Mind’s home world and towards their own.
*****
It felt wrong to desert the Idiom while she slept, so Mr. Epitome stayed in bed with her. Despite the Nescience’s intrusion into his psyche, he did not regret the mission, certainly not when one of his key objectives was closer to being obtained.
He had been honest when he told Letitia that an intimate relationship would be complicated. There was the matter of her incarceration. A pardon for her would be impossible to achieve, even with Epitome’s clout in the current Administration. The nature of his work, if it ever truly came to light, would horrify her and drive her away.
Epitome activated his X-ray vision and scanned through the ship’s interior until he found the Librarian. He was piloting the ship back to the Lunar Public Library, no doubt eager to resume his duties. Amazing Guy had left for space to coordinate the relief effort for the planets devastated by the Nescience. Both had truly been invaluable. To Epitome, the entire absurd endeavor had made little sense, but they saw their way through it and persevered.
The Paragon of Power thought about this and his other quandaries and how limited his familiarity with the esoteric nature of the Parodyverse was. Then he thought it might be time for him to join the Lair Legion after all.
Three quick notes:
First, apologies if the little free verse rant of Epitome’s came off as pretentious. It sounded cool when I wrote at 11:30pm.
Second, thanks to ag and L! for letting me use their characters. I hope my characterizations of them met with your satisfaction.
Third: Thanks and or apologies to CSFB! for his description of Honey Bee. Originally the person who activated the Nescience was going to be a mystery (because I didn’t have an idea for a culprit) then the whole thing with the Hive Mind inspired me. However, I may have gotten the character totally wrong and if that’s the case I’m sorry and shame-facedly point out there could be two Honey Bees running around, just like the DCU had two Queen Bees. Or I could just change the name of the villainess to Red Ant or Queen Mole Rat or something.
I think that’s it. Nothing else to talk about, is there?
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