Tales of the Parodyverse

And here's the Conclusion to Mr. Epitome #4 "Glory"


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killer shrike
Wed Jun 25, 2003 at 10:42:24 am EDT


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killer shrike
Wed Jun 25, 2003 at 02:42:03 am EDT

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Mr. Epitome #4 Part 2

Glory knew something happened when that light covered her. There was a moment of incredible pain, but when that passed everything was different. The world was different. There were more things Glory could see, smell, and hear. The tall ones (they would later tell her they liked to be called humans or people) were even slower and their language seemed more nuanced than she had previously believed. And the rules they taught her, “sit,” “heel,” and the others, began to make more sense than beyond the simple reward she would earn if she complied. Glory understood why she had to do them and that there were probably more difficult rules they were going to teach her.
The tall one who had spent the most time with her, Debbie, had asked her to jump up on a table and was looking closely into her ears with something in her hand. There was a slight whiff of fear on her, but for some reason it didn’t bother her like it had before the light. Glory knew Debbie wouldn’t hurt her, and she would never hurt Debbie. These realizations brought Glory to another conclusion; that the world hadn’t changed, but she had. The world had become simpler, and she more complex.
Mr. Epitome kept one eye on the black and white Border collie while listening to Dr. Kiper vent. Kiper was the lead scientist at Homo Maximus, the man responsible for duplicating the experiment that gave Epitome his powers. It was Glory who had received the Divine Spark’s gift this time, but the success of the process was marred by the fact that the strange extraterrestrial substance that fueled the spark, the McGuffin Material, had disappeared.
“I had hoped the stasis field would hold it,” he told Epitome again.
It should of, but Dr. Avi McGuffin’s discovery didn’t always follow the laws of physics. “Don’t beat yourself up over it, Dr. Kiper,” Mr. Epitome said to the man, “Just be ready for the McGuffin Material to pop back in here six years from now. Third time’s the charm.”
“In six years I’m going to be retired in Scottsdale and the only material I’m going to be worried about disappearing is my hairline.”
Doctor Deborah Tokarz came over to join the discussion, “Sirs, I’ve run a preliminary exam on Glory, and she seems no worse for wear.”
“Good. Why don’t you take Glory back to the kennel and get her fed, Deborah. Tell Dr Monroe to put together the evaluation portfolio for Mr. Epitome,” Kiper looked over to the costumed hero, “Are you sure you want to handle the testing?”
Mr. Epitome nodded, “The sooner Glory becomes more comfortable around me, the sooner we can begin our field work.”
“Are you taking her back to Persephone?”
“No, I’m flying up to Alaska. I own a small island off the coast. That should give me room to see what Glory can do.”
*****

Amy Fulke, also known as Mirror Maiden, owed her powers to a tome of alchemy she came across in a used bookstore in Edinburgh. The knowledge allowed the Rhodes Scholar to create enchanted looking-glasses with a myriad of abilities, in addition to access to the Halls of Mirror, a dimension that was linked to every mirror on Earth. It was from these Halls that the Friendly Foes pondered their next move.
“I say we find the mirror that lets us peep in on the Playboy Mansion, and go rob Hef,” Kelvin said as he checked the hoses that connected his costume’s power pack to the fearsome Kelvin Gun.
Hammer Toss was readying for combat as well, reacquainting himself with the heft and spin of his War Mallets, each weapon with a different, deadly payload, “We’ll have time for that, after the primary mission is completed.”
“Hey guys, check this out,” Doctor Spin did a cursory twirl in his skintight green and purple striped body suit, “I still fit in my costume.”
“Looking good, Doc,” Kelvin snapped his helmet on to his flame retardant suit.
“The secret is half an hour of tai chi every day. And watching the carbs.”
“Save it for Oprah, Jurgens,” Mirror Maiden slipped the last of her hand held reflective weapons into her tunic’s many pouches, “Here’s the plan: we make a list of Epitome’s known bases of operation and use the Halls of Mirror to locate him. Then we pop in and kick his Exemplary ass.”
“Are we going to kill him?” asked Kelvin
The other three villains looked at the Fahrenheit Felon, then at each other.
“Do you want him coming after us if we just beat him up and leave him?” Hammer Toss asked.
“No, but, Jeez, we’ve never killed anybody before. You guys are making it sound like it’s going to be just another job.”
Mirror Maiden looked at him dismissively, “If it bothers you, don’t think about it. Better yet, think about the past decade you’ve spent rotting in prison while your daughter disowned you, changed her name, grew up, and married that above ground swimming pool salesman.”
Garen Dye tensed up at the reference to his ex-son-in-law. Him, he wouldn’t mind killing, “OK, Amy. I’m in. So how do we find Epitome?”
“The Scrying Mirror can help us narrow the search if we name a location, but without a definite address, we’re going to have to look in a lot of windows. So to speak.”
“We know he has an office in Persephone, Virginia.”
“I’d recommend staking out Greentown Penitentiary as well. He’ll probably go there when he’s heard of our escape.”
“Good, good. Anything else?”
Doctor Spin tried to recall what he had put in the Mr. Epitome dossier during his imprisonment. As the Friendly Foes’ Secretary, records were his responsibility, “He owns a cabin in Alaska. I remember reading in ‘SUPER’ magazine that he bought the land from the federal government.”
“All right, then. We’ll take turns using the Mirror,” Fulke slipped on the Scrying Lenses, “I’ll go first. Hammer Toss, you’ve got the next shift, so get some sleep. You two, draw up an attack plan we can use on Epitome. Something that lets us all have a crack at him.”
Mirror Maiden turned her back to the other Foes, and began gesturing across the broad, onyx mirror embedded among the infinite other mirrors that lined the walls. The combination of being back home and so close to avenging herself against the team’s greatest enemy made her feel ten years younger, and when there was time she planned on enchanting a mirror to make her look it. Everything Mr. Epitome had taken from them, their dignity, their youth, would be returned. And he would be put in the ground.
*****

In the time it took Mr. Epitome to fly the Epitome Express airship to Alaska he had been able to teach Glory the concept of zero and how to recognize the Arabic numerals 1 through 7. Her intellectual capacity was dramatically enhanced, though it would take some more qualitative analysis to determine if Glory would prove to be ‘smarter than the entire cast of Friends,’ as Doctor Monroe had predicted.
After landing the ship, Epitome grabbed his gear and debarked. Glory followed him out the Express and across the barren field to his cabin. A tiny, rustic dwelling with no running water or electricity, this is where the hero would occasionally visit when time permitted. The speck of land on which the cabin sat was two and a half square miles of rock and snow and part of the Fox Islands. Unalaska, the most populated island of the Aleutian Chain, was thirty miles to the east. After putting away his toiletries and setting up his sleeping bag, Mr. Epitome broke open the seal on Glory’s evaluation packet. After flipping through the twenty pages of single spaced instructions he fished a hard rubber ball out of the bottom of the envelope and whistled for Glory to follow him outside.
“We might as well start with something you know,” he said, and showed Glory the ball. Glory began skittering about in eager anticipation, “Sit, please,” Epitome said, and after the dog complied, faced due south and let the ball fly, “Now, fetch.”
The dog’s vision locked onto the ball before it disappeared over the horizon. She crossed the island in less than a second and charged over the water, oblivious to the fact she had broken the sound barrier. ‘Faster than me,’ Epitome mused.
He watched Glory streak over the horizon herself, waited a few minutes, and when she didn’t return went back to the cabin. The Star Spangled Splendor would give her another five minutes he started up the Express to go look for her. Just enough time for a shave…..
*****
“Got him! I got him!” Doctor Spin screamed from within the Halls of Mirror. He held the Scrying Lenses to his face with one hand and pointed with the other.
“You’re sure it’s Epitome?” Mirror Maiden rushed to his side. All she saw was a man in his late thirties washing his face.
“I watched him take off his cowl. Hey look, he’s going to shave,” Spin observed.
“Let’s attack before we have to watch him pluck his nose hairs,” Kelvin powered up his gun.
Mirror Maiden drew her own pistol, “Remember, just like we planned it. Don’t give him a chance to recover. After today, no one laughs at the Friendly Foes again.”
*****
If Mr. Epitome had known the Friendly Foes had escaped from prison, he might have been ready when Hammer Toss’s tow-headed countenance appeared in the mirror above his water basin. Without this advanced warning, the Paragon of Power was caught flat-footed when the villain hurled one of his Concussion Mallets into his face. The blow sent him reeling, staggering back the length of the cabin. There was a flash of light and all four of his old enemies were upon him.
Doctor Spin attacked next, a sickly purple and green vortex that swept him up and hurled him through the wall, smashing the logs to pieces. While on the ground Epitome was hit by Kelvin’s temperature-altering gun, subjecting his body to sub-zero cold extreme enough to shatter steel. Hammer Toss followed his first strike with a Lightning Mallet, its electrical charge enhanced by the increased conductivity caused by Epitome’s reduced body temperature. Still, the Exemplary Man stood and turned to face his attackers.
Mirror Maiden flung a small piece of glass at Epitome. The object seemed to unfold as it traveled, until it was the size of a full length mirror. It landed in front of the hero, showing him a distorted image where his body was as three times wider and half its height. The looking-glass’s glamour activated, turning what was seen in its reflection into reality.
“Not so big now, huh, tough guy? Well, except maybe horizontally,” Kelvin joked, shooting the disoriented Mr. Epitome with the equivalent of several thousand BTUs. Epitome staggered and dropped to his knees.
“You’ve been in the funhouse, Mr. Epitome, now it’s time to ride the Tilt-A-Whirl!” Doctor Spin concentrated, willing his centrifugal telekinesis to envelop his enemy. Soon, Epitome’s hunched form began to twist with a terrifying velocity.
“Surprised, hero? Thought we’d never find you? You shouldn’t have underestimated us,” Mirror Maiden ranted over the rising wind.
“Uh, he’s resisting my power, guys. I might not be able to hold him much longer,” Doctor Spin reported.
Mirror Maiden aimed her laser pistol at Epitome, “No matter. The sudden stop should rip his limbs out of their sockets. Then we’ll start all over again. Get ready Hammer Toss.”
Before Hammer Toss could reply he was hit by a grey blur that knocked him fifty feet through the air into a crystallized snow bank. The mallet he was twirling shot off in a wobbly arc, exploding on the ground and sending both Mirror Maiden and Doctor Spin tumbling.
Glory had returned.
When Doctor Spin lost his footing he also relaxed his grip on Mr. Epitome. The hero drove his powerful hands into the ground and stopped his momentum. Then, lunging his squat form at the Villainous Vortex, Epitome smashed a stubby forearm into his neck. Jurgens went down and did not get up.
Kelvin couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw the soaking, growling dog shoot from the water like some furry surface to air missile and flatten Hammer Toss. He pointed his gun at the animal.
Glory pounced, biting down on the man’s hand and through his costume’s protective fabric. Powerful jaws crushed Kelvin’s finger bones to meal. He screamed.
Then with a twist of her powerful neck, Glory wrenched the villain’s arm off at the elbow.
“Oh my god!” Mirror Maiden watched in horror as the Border collie dropped her teammate’s bloody limb. Kelvin had fallen face forward into a twitching pile.
At this moment Mr. Epitome came behind Fulke and put his broad hand across her eyes. He yanked her head back.
“Which mirror restores me?” he asked laboriously.
“The one in my right hip pocket fixes anything the other mirrors do. Please don’t kill me,” Mirror Maiden replied. She felt Epitome’s other hand pinch a nerve on the base of her neck, and then mercifully she blacked out.
*****
When Mirror Maiden came to her head felt twice its normal size, and she couldn’t see. For one crazed moment she thought Mr. Epitome had cut out her eyes, but then she realized that she could make out faint lights. Someone had covered her face with cloth to prevent her from using her powers.
Gathering her bearings, she soon made out the sounds and smells of a hospital, plus something else.
The distinctive aroma of wet dog.
Mirror Maiden broke out in a cold sweat, and began shouting, “Is there anyone out there? Help!”
“Hey, Amy,” she heard Hammer Toss from the other side of the room.
“Dwight! You’re alive!” the woman cringed when she heard the animal bark softly.
“I’m in traction, but I’m alive. Doc’s here too, all doped up on something. Every once and a while he blows a spit bubble and turns over, but he’s OK. ”
“What about Kelvin? The dog bit his arm off.”
“Glory. Her name is Glory. She’s Epitome’s new pet. Kelvin is in surgery. From what the police and doctors told me, Mr. Epitome cauterized Kelvin’s wound with your laser, then dragged us to his ship and flew us here. He’s trying to reattach Kelvin’s arm.”
“He is?” she asked, bewildered.
“Yeah, the guy’s a licensed MD. Go figure.”
“Why are they letting that dog sit in this room with us? It’s unsanitary. What kind of hospital is this?”
“It’s a military hospital,” Epitome answered her when he entered, “and she’s here to watch you,” Glory trotted over to the man, “That’ll do, girl.”
“How’s Kelvin?” she heard Hammer Toss ask him.
“I was able to graft the arm back on, but he’s going to require a lot of physical therapy if he wants to regain use of it. As for the hand, it’s lost.”
“Epitome,” Mirror Maiden said reluctantly, “Thank you for helping him.”
There was a moment’s pause before the hero replied, “You’re welcome,” another pause, “Answer this for me please, Ms. Fulke: why is it you and your friends chose to waste your opportunity for freedom by coming after me? You are all obviously brilliant in your fields. I can understand most of the people I face, because they have some political agenda or want to make money. With your abilities alone…”
“Do you want to hear the answer, or do you want to keep making speeches?” Mirror Maiden interrupted him.
“We fight you because we don’t like to lose, and we keep losing to you. The first time was bad enough, but when you humiliated us, when you rubbed our faces into the shit-covered dirt at that damn county fair, that was going to far. And things won’t be square with us until you’re dead.”
“Does she speak for you as well, Dr. Bollinger?” Mr. Epitome asked Hammer Toss.
“Mirror Maiden speaks for all of us.”
“I see. If….” Mr. Epitome’s voice trailed off, then recovered, “There is going to be a squad of military police in here until some OPS agents can fly in from Anchorage to process you. I’d do it myself but I’m tired of dealing with fools. You two might want to use this time to say your goodbyes, because I’m going to make sure that you never see each other or your teammates again,” he walked out, Glory right behind him.
As the MPs marched in to stand watch over three-fourths of the Friendly Foes, Hammer Toss asked his friend, “Do you think he can do that: separate us?”
Amy Fulke shook her head, “Doesn’t matter. He’s going to pay for his past mistakes. Someday we will be in the mirror, looking back at him.”

















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