Tales of the Parodyverse

Mr. Epitome #5 "Flex" Part One


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killer shrike
Fri Jun 27, 2003 at 12:57:50 am EDT
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But first, a request. Again.
I tried to get everybody's character right here, based on what I've read. But if I screwed up and made somebody too grumpy (or not grumpy enough) or too goofy (or not goofy enough)or if I have messed up continuity, let me know. Hopefully I can fix it. If not, then we can always blame Space Phantoms.


Mr. Epitome #5

“Flex”

The headquarters for the Lair Legion rests on an island off the coast of Paradopolis, greatest city in the United States, or so the locals tell the rest of the nation. One source of pride for many is the very fact the Lair Legion calls the Big Banana home. No super-team is better known, more vibrant, or more exotic in all of the Parodyverse. They are a perfect metaphor for the city.
The Lair Legion’s mansion is truly a technological marvel. There have been many scientific geniuses who wore the mantle of “Legionnaire”, and have used their skills to create a sprawling complex of tesseract rooms and alien biospheres in addition to level after level of labs, vaults, and trophy rooms that offered a visual summary of the team’s incredible history. The defenses that guard the mansion were state of the art, designed to repel all but the most powerful forces on this or any other planet.
This was why Fin Fang Foom was tired of the constant home invasions. The latest involved a foe of unquestionable deviousness, but still….
The Lair Legion’s leader sighed, picked up another teammate’s account of the Ultizon fiasco, and started reading. He had hoped having other people’s points of view on the situation would offer fresh insights, but the Roshomon quality to the testimonies and the varying degree of seriousness that the staff took his request (Flapback wrote his on the back of a receipt from Ecstasy Video) just made him want to find a rocket and leave Earth in search of an alien society where paperwork was outlawed.
There was a knock at his office door. The team’s legal adviser, Laurie “Lissette” Leyton, poked her head in, “Can I come in?”
“Only if you have good news,” the dragon grumbled.
“It is,” she answered, entering and closing the door behind her.
Finny finally looked up at her, “It must be, you’re grinning from ear to ear.”
“Well, the news isn’t that good, it’s just, looking at you hunched over that desk, a big eight foot tall dragon guy, with that teeny little folder in your hands,” Laurie mimicked her boss’s bent posture, “it’s just surreal. Like ‘Pete’s Dragon’ gets a job as an accountant.”
“Humph,” FFF acted insulted, but couldn’t be angry with the attractive attorney, “What’s up?”
Lissette walked over and plopped down on one of the chairs in front of Finny’s desk, “I, Laurie Leyton, Esquire, just saved you a load of grief. The government requested a consultation with you about our recent troubles, and I got them to back down.”
“Amber St. Clair wanted a meeting? We just had one.”
Lissette shook her head, “Not Amber.”
“Good lord, Garrick wasn’t so foolish-“
“Not Garrick.”
Fin Fang Foom was about to remind Laurie he was a busy dragon and didn’t have time for twenty questions, when the answer hit him, “Epitome.”
Mr. Epitome, the Exemplary Man, was the Office of Paranormal Security’s in house superhero. Between his powers and political connections, he was a force to be reckoned with.
“That’s the one. He wanted you to fly down to his office in Persephone to compare notes on some of your recent cases,” Laurie gave a self-satisfactory smile while examining her nails, “I took care of him.”
“You were, of course, totally professional in your correspondence with Mr. Epitome.”
“Oh, of course.”
Finny continued, “You reminded him the Lair Legion’s official liaison with the United States government is Amber St. Clair, and that any requests for ‘comparing notes’,” the dragon made air-quotes with his talons, “should go through her.”
“Mmm hmm,” Laurie took out an emery board and started filing, “I also told him that the OPS has no authority over the day to day operations of our merry band of wanderers as per yadda-yadda-yadda.”
“What did he say?” the dragon’s mood was improving.
“He understood, but he asked as a professional courtesy-“
“Ha!” Finny spat.
“- that you overlook this circumspection of normal bureaucratic channels and come anyway. Then he made a sarcastic comment about he how would provide the gold and maidens.”
“Really? How unprofessional!”
Laurie nodded. She was happy to see the Lair Legion’s chief getting out of his funk, “That’s what I said. Then I advised him his attempts at humor could be construed as disparaging comments towards your cultural background, and recommended sensitivity training for him before such slanderous stereotyping landed him in court.”
“Oh, that’s good,” the dragon shook his head, “You evil, evil woman.”
“’bout time you notice,” she got up to leave, “Not that I need an excuse to harass the neocons’ favorite superhero, boss, but what do you have against this guy? Epitome’s done a lot of good in the world.”
Fin Fang Foom wasn’t listening. Instead he was tugging on where his lower lip would be, if dragons had lips: something he often did while debating with himself. Finally he responded, “Sometimes he and I have a different view of what’s good ‘for’ the world. Laurie, I think we will set up a meeting with Epitome after all. As a professional courtesy,” the ancient wyrm smiled again, this time showing off his razor teeth in their malefic glory.
“Uh, sure thing, Finny. I’ll get right on it,” she left.
‘So the Status Quo Servitor wants to talk shop?’ Foom thought to himself, ‘ Fine, we’ll talk shop. After he answers some of my questions.’
*****
“I want to go.”
Hatman didn’t even look up from making his sandwich, “No.”
“But you’ll need me,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! pleaded.
“No,” the Capped Crusader repeated, neatly placing three slices of roast turkey on top of the two slices of honey ham already present.
CSFB! paced the kitchen, “Have you ever read a comic book in your life, Jay? When superheroes meet they always fight first. It’s Rule #1 to any crossover.”
A leaf of Boston lettuce was added, “We’re trying to avoid a fight, Dream. That’s why you’re not invited.”
“What could I do?”
“Call him a shallow derivative of Frank Miller’s Superman from ‘Dark Knight Returns,’ like you have been all morning to anyone who will listen,” Jay Boaz slathered a piece of rye bread with mayonnaise.
“Someone needs to tell him,” CSFB! replied, “Can I have half of that?”
Hatman topped off his sandwich, then cut it diagonally, “No.”
“How come Yo gets to go?”
“Because Yo is our guest, and she wants to meet Glory, and she won’t embarrass us,” Hopefully, the deputy leader of the Lair Legion added to himself.
“The dog? That mutt’s just shameless pandering to the Silver Age demographic.”
The Man of Many Hats called to the other room, “Hey Whit, you want anything?”
“Some juice, sweetie,” the Sorceress answered.
“OK,” Hatman looked CrazySugarFreakBoy! in the eye, “Look, Dream, we don’t send the full contingent of the Lair Legion to take a meeting. It’s just Finny, Lissette, Yo, Ziles, and me. We need you here, in case something important comes up. You know, like saving the world.”
CSFB! was ready to continue the argument when Whitney Harkness entered the kitchen, “Jay, did you say Ziles was supposed to go with you to the OPS briefing?”
“Yes,” Hatman handed his girlfriend a glass of lemonade, “Why?”
“Well, Ruby told me earlier that Ziles called in and took the day off. She said she had something to do.”
“That’s very unlike her. Especially since Finny needed her powers for this.”
The two lovers stared at each other, as if one knew the answer to this particular mystery and was keeping it a secret from their partner.
“And so it begins,” CSFB! intoned ominously.
*****

He was the most beautiful man Ziles had ever seen. Tall, with wavy blonde hair and deep blue eyes, he stood outside the coffee shop as though he was waiting just for her. He saw Ziles and smiled slyly, pursing his full lips. Then, he put his hands in the pockets of his leather trench coat and calmly sauntered past the stunning and stunned blonde. He turned back, winked, blew her a kiss, and ducked down an alleyway alongside the store.
Ziles quickly tossed her carry-out latte’ and flipped on her cell phone. The Lair Legion’s receptionist picked up.
“Good morning, Lair Legion Headquarters,” Ruby Waver answered.
“Ruby, this is Ziles. I can’t make it in today. Tell Finny… tell him I’m sorry but something important has come up.”
The alien thief hung up, then rounded the corner to the alley. He was standing there, an Adonis amongst the garbage cans and dumpsters. Again he beckoned. Without thinking she rushed into his embrace and kissed him.
What happened next was one of the bigger embarrassments in the Legionaire’s career, for when they broke away the tall blonde god had been replaced by a gawky teen wearing a bomber jacket and a tee-shirt. He smiled and laughed, “Hey, score one for the Make Out King!”
Ziles was distracted for a only a moment by the sudden transformation of Prince Charming to frog, but that was long enough for someone to strike a well placed blow to the base of her skull, knocking her unconscious.
*****
Ziles’s absence had cast a pall over the heroes as they drove their limo bus from the Lair Mansion to Paradopolis Plaza, the meeting place both the OPS and the Lair Legion finally agreed to.
“I don’t like this at all,” Fin Fang Foom glowered from the vehicle’s rear bench.
Hatman tried to be encouraging, “She did call in on her cell phone instead of her comm. It could be personal business.”
“She’s not answering her cell, Hatman. And I find the timing of the team’s empath’s disappearance very disturbing. Epitome knew she was coming, you know. The OPS asked for a list.”
Jay Boaz knew the dragon well enough not to argue with him if he started talking in such flat tones. It was when Finny’s behavior became so detached that he was hurting the most, “Whitney is looking for her. So are CSFB! and Trickshot. And don’t forget Ziles is more than capable of taking care of herself.”
The Lair Legion’s leader didn’t respond to his deputy’s words. He chose instead to stare out the window at the passing traffic.
“Cute Finny looks so sad,” the thought being known as Yo said to Lissette.
“Uh, yeah. Sure does,” the Lair Legion’s attorney quickly changed the subject, “So what you got there, Yo?”
“Yo brought Glory a ‘Welcome to Paradopolis Gift Bag!’ In it is a ‘Welcome to Paradopolis’ tee-shirt, refrigerator magnet, sun visor, and ‘Zagut’s Guide to Dining in Paradopolis’ all for just $23.99 plus sales tax. Also included is a box of Steaky Bones: Steaky Bones, almost too good for dogs, even yours. And finally, a picture of Yo’s best friend Rabito, drawn by Yo!” the cheery entity revealed the contents of the tote with all the verve and skill of a ‘Price is Right’ spokesmodel.
“That’s super, Yo. She’ll love it. Say boss,” Laurie called to the back of the bus, “maybe we should have Flapjack just drop us off instead of driving in to the Plaza’s garage.”
“Why?”
Laurie shifted uncomfortably in her seat, “Well, given his somewhat murky legal status, I ‘m worried this meeting with OPS may begin with them arresting him.”
The dragon snorted, “I’d like to see them try it.”
“Please, Finny.”
“Fine.”
Lissette spoke to the bus’s driver, “Just drop us off in front of the Plaza, Flapjack. Then find someplace to park and wait for our call.”
“Yes, Mistress Lissette,” the deformed henchman/butler said overenthusiastically.
A crowd mobbed the heroes as they exited the van. The quartet mingled with the well-wishers and autograph seekers for fifteen minutes (“Remember, this is who we do this for,” Hatman said to coax the reluctant Fin Fang Foom into posing for pictures) before heading into the Plaza’s lobby.
A well-tanned man with a dark mustache greeted them. He wore an OPS identi-badge, “Hello, Lair Legion. I’m Sonny Sheraton, Field Director of the OPS in Paradopolis. I’m so glad you’ve finally come to our offices here. We look forward to working closely with you in these tumultuous times.”
“Right,” Finny growled, “Let’s get upstairs and get this over with.”
*****
The conference room for the Office of Paranormal Security had an excellent view of Paradopolis thirty-four floors above ground. Mr. Epitome was availing himself of it when the Lair Legion entered following Director Sheraton. He turned to greet them.
“Good afternoon, all. Glad you could make it.”
Epitome was tall, over six feet. Lean muscles made the red, white, and blue costume he wore form-fitting. His face was partially concealed by a cowl, though his pale blue eyes were visible. Numerous brown pouches lined his belt and shoulder straps. Looking more like a garishly colored commando than a superhero, he made his way across the room.
“We’re not all here,” Fin Fang Foom watched the Exemplary Man stride towards them, “Ziles is unable to attend. Prior commitment.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Epitome stood in front of the dragon for a few seconds, waiting.
‘Oh, you must be kidding me,’ the alien shapeshifter thought to himself when he figured out what the man was waiting for. He stuck out his massive clawed hand for Epitome to shake.
Satisfied, Mr. Epitome moved on, “Hatman, good to see you. I was watching ESPN the other day and heard them mention a single A ball club in the Carolina League called the Frederick Keys. That might be a useful hat to add to your arsenal.”
“Got it already. Thanks,” Jay replied, trying to avoid Finny’s dyspeptic glare.
“Ms. Leyton, I’m glad we could iron out that earlier misunderstanding and make this meeting happen.”
“Me too,” Lissette said, then broke into an embarrassed laugh.
“And, Yo. I wasn’t aware you had left the League of Regulars to become part of the Lair Legion.”
“Yo is here to say hello to Glory and give her this wonderful ‘Welcome to Paradopolis Gift Bag,” s/he said excitedly, holding the bag up for Epitome to see.
“ I’m sorry, Yo. Glory isn’t here. She’s back home in Persephone, tearing through the latest Harry Potter book. Figuratively and literally,” Mr. Epitome smiled. Lissette found herself giggling again.
“Tell you what,” the hero said to the crestfallen young woman-for-the-moment, “Do you know how to work Instant Messaging?”
“Oh, yes, Yo has many Buddies on her Buddy List.”
Mr. Epitome walked over to the giant conference table and pulled a wafer-thin lap top computer from one of his costume’s pouches. Unfolding it, he activated the unit’s holographic screen display, “Well then, how’d you like to call her?”
“Cute Glory can skate the web?! What a smart pretty dog she is,” Yo looked over at the scowling Fin Fang Foom hopefully.
“Go ahead, Yo.”
After setting the happy thought being up at an adjacent desk, Mr. Epitome joined the cluster of people at one end of the table.
“We brought in a couch from the lobby for you to sit at….Foom. OPS doesn’t have any regulation chairs that could support you. Unless you chose to change shape.”
The dragon finally cracked a smile, “I’m fine, Epitome. We should get started, yes?”
“Of course.”
“You don’t mind if we tape this?”
“Not at all.”
“And Director Sheraton will be excusing himself?”
“If you wish.”
“We do.”
The two powerful beings stood behind their respective chairs. More awkward moments passed. Finally Mr. Epitome sat down and started rummaging through his briefcase. Finny, Lissette, and Hatman sat across from him. The Lair Legion’s lawyer pulled out a micro-audio/visual recorder and a slim folder from her bag, the latter of which she handed to the dragon.
Mr. Epitome had folders of his own. Thick ones.
“Well then,” the Star Spangled Splendor beamed, “Let’s start. From the beginning, please.”


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