Mr. Epitome Supervillain Special Part 3, hopefully with italics and everything


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killer shrike
Mon Jul 14, 2003 at 01:32:58 pm EST
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Mr. Epitome Supervillain Special Part 3


“Who is….Factor X?”


So you want to know my story?
Well, you should already be aware of my past, if you were paying attention. Gregor Vassilych, Phds. in Political Science and Economics, University of Moscow. My childhood was as typical as the son of two schoolteachers should be. Neither of them were party members, though I joined a year before becoming part of the KGB, right after what you in the West called the “Cuban Missile Crisis.” Based on your accent I’m assuming you are from Britain. Your Russian is flawless, though. My compliments.
Thank you, Doctor.
At any rate, I started in the Bureau’s First Directorate: Foreign Intelligence. I was a spy, and an excellent one, considering what I had to work with. The USSR was so overmatched, really. It always amazed me you were so worried about us. The fact we couldn’t even feed our own people really should have tipped you off.
After traipsing around the world for a decade trying to shore up our sphere of influence, I returned home to Moscow to join Directorate T, which specialized in Science and Technology. This was about the time the Super Human Revolution was underway, and costumed characters were popping up like mushrooms after a spring rain. If we were to have any chance of competing with America, we needed to build our own. That was the job I took upon myself. I became the Section Chief for Directorate T-1: Metahuman Resources.
There were successes, of course, Nadezhda Prokofiev, the Mind’s Eye, was invaluable in helping us maintaining some type of equity with the capitalist countries. She and I were able to cripple foreign intelligence services for years.
Then we get to the part of the story you should already know, how the Soviet Union collapsed and she and I were relegated to working in the Space Agency. Nadya made the first recorded astral voyage beyond the galaxy, where she encountered that force-what did you call it again?
The Fallen Celestian.
Right. Her transformation encouraged me to leave my homeland and go into business for myself. Using my contacts I became a middle man, a factor, to various groups. For a fee I would connect people who wanted to sell to people who wanted to buy. It wasn’t long before I broke into the lucrative field of metacrime. My secret, not that it’s anything profound, is to give the customer what he or she wants. Now, a decade later, I have friendly relations with every major criminal organization on the planet. Nadya and I are thinking about even moving beyond that. There are whole other worlds and dimensions that could use our services.
So all you are is a glorified salesman?
You make it sound like a bad thing. All the great men of history were salesmen. From Christ to Hitler, they were all selling something. But I do have a bit more motivation than that, I suppose. If it was just about the money, I’d be working with my old enemies in NATO. But there is an element of payback to what I do. My parents raised me to support the underdog. There’s a quote, I think from E.L. Doctorow, which says Communism is the religion of the loser. I might not be a communist anymore, but I still have an affinity for losers. Heh.
That would explain the group you and the Mind’s Eye have gathered.
Actually, I’m quite proud of my Sybian gambit. Everyone will get what they want out of this:
Emperor Scorpion will regain his father’s kingdom.
BALD will acquire a new source of cheap labor.
Hole Man will access a new source of revenue.
Musk Ox will have an opportunity to test himself once again.
Mind’s Eye will get very, very rich.
And I, well, I get all of those things too, and the destruction of Mr. Epitome. He will not survive this. What happens next will ruin him in all manners conceivable. God, listen to me, sounding like a super villain plotting his archenemy’s downfall. I have never even met the man. But two years of him chasing me are enough.
You sound very confident.
I suppose I shouldn’t crow too much. Our kind always seems to lose to the hero. But then, Epitome isn’t all that heroic. I’m going to use that against him, too. So, do I pass? Or am I going to be wiped from existence for the sake of your plans?
If I got rid of you, Doctor Vasillych, it would be more out clarifying the narrative than any possible threat you pose. There are so many international arms dealers running around already. But I think the Parodyverse will be a much more interesting place with you in it, so you are safe.

Factor X stood up from midmorning tea at Herringcarp Asylum and smiled, “Pleasure doing business with you, Comrade Hood. Feel free to call any time.”
The Hooded Hood’s eyes flashed, and X was gone.

To be continued in Mr. Epitome #7, “E for Victory.”


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