Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike
Fri Sep 03, 2004 at 07:49:26 pm EDT
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"When Titans Kibitz"
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Note: the title to this story has a bit of a metatextual meeting as well, since I’m sort of intruding on Dancer’s and Visionary’s stories, but the idea for “When Titans Kibitz” came to me at work, and seemed too good not to write. Hopefully this doesn’t interfere with anyone’s plans.

This story takes place sometime after “Second Thoughts” and “Third Thoughts”, which spins out of “Untold Tales #160: A Possibly Fake Romance.”

Glory padded into Mr. Epitome’s Lair Mansion office and barked a question, “Why is it wrong to gossip?”

The Paragon of Power looked up from his daily OPS briefing, “Because when you gossip you are disseminating information that does not concern you and may in fact be inaccurate, since it usually does not come from the primary source.”

“Oh.”

Epitome watched the young Border Collie lie in her basket. After several moments of silence he broke down and asked, “Has some one been spreading rumors?”

“I cannot say. I do not want to be a N-A-R-C,” Glory was forced to spell out words she and Dominic had not given designation in the Mutt of Might’s unique language of barks and body movements.

“Who told you that?!”

“I cannot say,” she repeated.

“Glory,” he warned.

“It was Kerry. She was talking about Professor Visionary and his date. With Lisa.”

Dominic blinked, “Date?”

“Yes. Apparently it got very hot and heavy,” the dog cocked her head, “Is ‘hot and heavy’ a euphemism for intense sexual intercourse?”

Epitome pinched the bridge of his nose, closed, his eyes, and sighed.

*****


Several minutes later Sir Mumphrey Wilton was repeating the stance in his own office, “This is a bit of a unique situation, what?”

Clancy paced before the temporary leader’s oaken desk, “I regret bringing it up at all, sir, but this is hardly the first time Miss Shepherdson has conducted herself in a way that has negatively influenced Glory.”

“Yes. Quite. I’ll speak to young Visionary. I’m sure he will give the lass a good talking to.”

“No, I’ll speak to Miss Shepherdson. Frankly I have lost all faith in Visionary’s ability to control that child,” Dominic sniffed from behind his cowl, “the man can barely control himself.”

“I think perhaps you are being too harsh on him, Mr. Epitome.”

“I don’t.”

Mumphrey realized that there was more going on than the government agent being unhappy with the possibly fake man’s parenting skills, “Care to elaborate?”

“I am not one to spread rumor,” the Star Spangled Splendor prefaced.

“Of course not.”

“But,” he sighed, “Someone who is in a position of authority should know enough to restrain his libido, even if their… object of said libido is unable to do so.”

Wilton shifted uncomfortably in his chair, “Er, yes-”

“Workplace fraternization is wholly inappropriate: it’s disruptive and unprofessional.”

“Oh, is it now?” the Englishman rumbled ominously.

Epitome caught the change in tone, “My observation is not meant to reflect on your tenure, Sir Mumphrey.”

“I think, Mr. Clancy, you need to remember that the Legion is not part of your stifling, reactionary bureaucracy. Not, and never will be,” Wilton fumed.

“Sir?” Epitome looked stunned.

“You may feel it’s in the country’s best interest to have a camera in every bedroom and a microchip in every head so you can better sit in judgment of everyone else’s behavior. However, there are scads of right-thinking people who reject your mind-set, and see it as nothing more than a violation of every man’s natural right to live his life as he sees fit.”

“But-“

Unfortunately for the Exemplary Man, the gentleman wasn’t done playing the part of stem winder, “This is still the United States of America, and while I admit I’m not keen on every facet of the colonial character, one thing I greatly admire is your Constitution. Bloody marvelous document, that; protects a body from all sorts of governmental intrusion. You would do well to keep its words in mind, before you start spouting off opinions on what’s right and decent!” the Keeper of the Chronometer of Infinity rose dramatically to his feet and gestured to the door, “Good day, Mr. Epitome.”

Dominic’s eyes were agog, “Ah-“

“You are dis-missed,” Sir Mumphrey sat and went back to his papers.

Epitome turned and strode from the room, past the covert, quizzical glance of Wilton’s personal secretary Asil, and back to his own office. A pensive Glory was waiting for him.

“Sir Mumphrey was very angry,” she noted, having heard every word of the pair’s conversation.

“Yes, yes he was,” Dominic, still stunned, rubbed his face as if it would wipe away the blushing. He looked down at Glory.

“And this is why we never gossip. Nine times out of ten, you are unaware of the whole story.”







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