Tales of the Parodyverse

3(2) Short Stories about Mr. Epitome


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killer shrike
Mon Dec 22, 2003 at 07:29:04 pm EST
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3(2) Short Stories about Mr. Epitome


Story Five: The Christmas Story


For Ron Wiley, owner of Ron’s Adult Book Store, had always assumed his mother’s warnings were hyperbole. But when the customer walked in with the seeing-eye dog, he had to wonder.

The animal led its owner around the store’s racks, stopping at one carrying the latest releases on DVD. The man reached down and picked up one and quickly walked to the counter and dropped it down.

“One copy of Big Bad Bumpers #7,” Ron said in order to make sure that’s what he wanted, “Will there be anything else?”

“No,” the tall man said simply. That’s when the dog began to yelp and point.

“That thing on the wall with the rotating head is on Lisa’s list,” Glory told her partner.

“Oooh, what a cute dog. What’s she saying?” Ron asked.

“She wants to know if you can put it in a brown paper bag,” Mr. Epitome replied, reaching for his wallet and hoping he wouldn’t have to use his credit card here.

Later, when the pair had gotten into the Paragon of Power’s car, he removed his glasses and sighed, “You know, Glory, when you told me all you wanted for Christmas was to go shopping for gifts I thought we’d be at the Persephone Mall, not some seedy storefront by the airport.”

“But they did not have what Crazy Sugar Freak Boy wanted at the mall. What was that smell in the store?”

“Desperation and loneliness,” Mr. Epitome answered, which confused Glory further. The man started up the Taurus and pulled out of the lot and then changed the subject, “Who’s left for you to buy for?”

“Just Lisa and yourself. You still have not said what you wanted.”

“You don’t have to get anything for me, Glory. And I think that set of pens we saw at the stationary store will be sufficient for Miss Waltz. What did you get for Yo?”

“Subscriptions to both Esquire and Mademoiselle magazines. That was a good idea, yes?”

Mr. Epitome smiled, “Yes. And you bought those leather elbow patches for Visionary.”

“Professor Visionary,” Glory corrected, “He will be able to sew them on?”

“Someone will.”

“And brandy to send Sir Mumphrey, and that coach’s biography for Goldeneyed.”

“Vince Lombardi,” Mr. Epitome clarified with a smirk. The Exemplary Man didn’t know if the Legionnaire was a football fan, but he figured at this point the Canadian could use need all the advice on leadership he could get.

“Should we get anything for the Grey Eminence?” Glory asked. She had yet to meet her secret but ultimate employer, but could tell Mr. Epitome considered him a man of great worth.

“I’m working on that, Glory. It’s going to be a little late in coming. Maybe the spring,” he paused for a moment, and when Epitome continued he chose he next words carefully, “Glory, I know you enjoy talking and being with your new friends, but there may come a time where they are at odds with the Office of Paranormal Security and me.”

“I know.”

Mr. Epitome reached over and scratched Glory’s ear, “I also want you to know that I’m going to work very hard to make sure you don’t lose them as friends, no matter what happens. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” Glory didn’t like talking about this, and made her discomfort known by yawning, “I am going to go and lie down in the back for a nap. Wake me when we get to the store with Lisa’s pens, please?”

“Of course,” Mr. Epitome answered. As Glory slumbered he put his mind to work on things other than gifts for people he someday might have to ruin. It was easier.



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