Posted by Hatman on November 29, 2000 at 21:15:04:
"Gah! That's cold!" cried Bry Katz.
"I can't feel my feet," complained Derek Foreman.
"Th-this isn't r-r-right for a s-s-southern girl like m-me," chattered Whitney Darkness.
"I can't believe Wolverine would walk around in short sleeves in this!" exclaimed Dreamcatcher Foxglove.
"Yo is not feeling warm," mused Yo.
"Why are there icicles on my nose?" asked Visionary.
"Isn't it great?!!" cried Jay Boaz in delight, his arms outstretched. "I'm home!"
The Lair Legion had come to Canada. Well, to be fair, members of the Lair Legion and the League of Regulars had come to Canada. Unfortunately, nobody had told them how cold it would be.
"You told us the temperature wasn't likely to even get close to 40 degrees!" whined Exile. Apparently interdimensional energies didn't keep one very warm.
"Yeah...it's only minus 27 today. What's yer beef?" asked Hatman.
"Wait a minute...we're not talking farenheit, are we?" said Goldeneyed. His repeated attempts to teleport heat into his jacket weren't working.
"Oh...oops. I thought you guys knew I don't know how to change celcius to farenheit." Despite the looks of cold on his friends faces, he couldn't help grin. "Guess you won't make fun of my snowmobile jacket anymore, eh?"
"It's not that bad out...c'mon Hatty! I'll give you my entire Power Man and Iron Fist collection! I'll even throw in my Byrne Alpha Flight issues! Just give me your jacket!!" cried CSFB!. His Sillysuit didn't have a thick lining like Hatman's jacket.
"Jay, honey, you know I love you, but if we don't get inside somewhere to warm up soon you won't be getting warm for a month, comprende?" threatened Sorceress. If his cheeks weren't so frozen CSFB! would have laughed his head off.
"Okay, okay, it takes some getting used to. How about we head over to a little lounge I know of and get some hot chocolate? And then I'll take you guys shopping for some warmer clothing. Sound good?" suggested Hatman.
"Yo is being thinking this a good idea," beamed the Yo-being. Just thinking of hot chocolate made Yo warmer.
"Um, Hat, how are you going to get into a lounge? You're not 21," asked Exile.
"We're in Canada Ex. The legal age is 18. And who had a birthday last month?" grinned Hatman.
"So you mean I can liquor you up here? Why didn't we come sooner!" exclaimed Sorceress with a wicked gleam in her eye. Hatman gulped. CSFB! chuckled, then held his cheeks in pain.
"Okay, as leader of the League of Regulars, I decree that we make tracks for that lounge!" commanded Visionary. Everyone stared at him.
"Vizh...you do realize that you just admitted are the leader of your team...you have no way out now," said a helpful Goldeneyed. Visionary just grumbled.
"The cold's making me say stupid things. Either way, let's get going!" snapped Visionary. He stepped in behind Hatman and Sorceress and followed.
"Bet his circuits are frozen," whispered Exile to Goldeneyed.
"Cute-Visionary am being real, dammit," Yo chastised.
"Jay? Is that you?!" exclaimed the blonde girl behind the counter. "Where ya been, cutie? I missed ya!" She ran around from behind the counter and wrapped Hatman in a bear hug.
"Nice to see you too Steff," Hatty choked out. "Um, I can't breathe..." She let go, only to be met by a glare from Sorceress.
"'Cutie'?" growled Whitney. Goldeneyed and Exile took a step back from Sorceress. CrazySugarFreakBoy! wished he had a camera. Visionary and Yo cowered behind a chair.
"Umm, Steffanie, this is my girlfriend, Whitney. Whit, this is Steffanie," Hatman introduced the two. "I used to work in the restaurant adjoined to this place; sometimes I'd help out in here when they were swamped."
"Hi, nice to meet you!" said Steffanie. She extended her hand. Whit shook it, giving the evil eye to Steffanie.
"I'm sure. Jay, honey, can I talk to you for a moment?" Sorceress pulled Hatman away from the counter into a corner booth.
"So what can I get for you guys?" asked Steffanie.
"A round of your finest hot chocolate, please," said Visionary.
"Whoa, someone's a big spender," chuckled Exile.
"I never said I was paying for it," said Vizh. Everyone glared at him.
"Umm...should I bill it to the Legion or the Regulars?" he squeeked before sliding into his chair.
Meanwhile, in the corner booth...
"I can't believe you came here just to see your ex-girlfriend! There are plenty of places we could have gone, and you chose here?! She was all over you before you could even say hello!" Sorceress was about to continue her rant, but Hatman interjected.
"Whoa, Whit, time-out. Steffanie's not my ex. We never dated. She's like, 4 years older than me. We're just really good friends, that's all, I swear it," explained Jay. Whitney continued to glare at him, then her look softened.
"Oh, how can I stay mad at such a cute face. You're forgiven." Sorceress pecked him on the cheek. "Let's go join the others. I could use a hot chocolate."
Hatman and Sorceress walked back to the table arm in arm, when Hatman suddenly stopped. "Uh-oh."
"What?" asked Sorceress.
"I forgot to warn Dream not to hit on Steff. She gets kinda...ticked off," said Hatman. He pulled Sorceress along in an attempt to reach Dream, but he was too late.
*SLAP!*
"GAH!! I can feel my cheeks again! Owwww!" cried CSFB! He held his injured face. "So is that a yes or no?" Hatman managed to catch Steff's wrist before she slapped him again. Sorceress helpfully steered Dream back to his seat next to Exile.
"Heh, sorry about that Steff. Dream is...well, he's Dream. That's the only way to put it." Hatman grinned. He was always at a loss to explain CSFB! to people who didn't know him.
"Since he's your friend, I guess I can let him live," said Steffanie. She glared at Dream, then her look softened as she looked back at Hatman. "So what have you been up to, anyway? You better still be in school, or I'll kick your ass."
"Well, I'm kinda busy these days, saving the world and all," joked Hatty. Steff just looked at him.
"Yeah, right Jay. Just cause you used to coach soccer doesn't mean you're saving the world," she scoffed. Hatman just looked at her in disbelief.
"You mean you haven't heard of the Lair Legion?" asked Hatman in shock. He couldn't believe that she didn't know that he was in fact the second in command of the world's mightiest group of protectors, the Lair Legion.
"What, you babysit that Donar guy's kid or something? I mean, it's nice that you're involved with them and all, but it's not like you're fighting their battles for them or anything."
"Have you heard of Hatman?" asked Jay.
"Well, yeah. Between you and me, he's kinda cute," she confided. "I mean, when he saved the country from Onslaughter, it was Herculean! Wouldn't mind showing him a good time, if ya know what I mean."
Having worked with Steffanie for a few years, Jay knew exactly what she meant. "Umm, Steff...take a look at this." Hatty drew his Calgary Flames cap from his Hatility Belt, which was concealed beneath his jacket. He put it on his head, and activated his flame. After a few seconds, he removed it and reattached it to his belt.
"Y...you're Hatman? You?! Holy sh*t! I mean, I can't believe it!" Steff gushed. Jay held his hand up for her to stop.
"Yeah, I'm Hatman. But, I'm back on vacation. I'm plain ol' Jay Boaz now, not a superhero. I'm tryin' to keep a low profile, eh?" explained Hatty.
"Umm, Jay, forgive me for overhearing, but...look behind you," said Goldeneyed helpfully. Hatty turned around, and to his surprise saw a group of at least 40 people standing behind him with jaws dropped.
"Day group?" asked Hatty weakly. Steff nodded in confirmation.
"Omigod, it's Hatman!"
"Can you believe it?!"
"Hatty, over here!"
The crowd rushed Hatman, trying to get a piece of him. Hatman nodded to Goldeneyed, and in a flash, the heroes disappeared. The crowd stopped, puzzled by their exit. Another golden flash, and two 5 dollar bills fluttered to the table with some quarters.
"I can't believe it! You're like a super-celebrity here! You're bigger than Guardian! You're bigger than Vindicator! You're bigger than Wolverine! Hell, you're bigger than friggin' maple syrup up here!" extolled CrazySugarFreakBoy!. He was used to some celebrity as spokesman of Oddyssey, leader of the Goofball Gauntlet, and as a member of the Lair Legion, but even that paled to Hatman's status here.
"Can you keep it down, Dream?" shushed Hatman. "I meant it, I just want to vacation in my home country, for awhile. I'm not looking to be adored by millions."
"It's not as easy as it looks," offered Exile.
"How would you know?" asked his cousin Goldeneyed.
"I was Lord of the Dreary Dimension, wasn't I?" Exile took on a regal pose, puffing out his chest.
"Didn't your subjects try to kill you or something?" mused Visionary.
"Shut up!" cried Exile, his chest decidedly less puffed.
"Yo is thinking we should be getting warm clothes now, yes?" suggested the thought being.
"I, for one, agree. Only I'm allowed to manhandle Jay like that," said Sorceress with a grin. Hatman blushed in embarassment.
"Y'know, you've been hanging around Lisa too long Sorc," joked Bry. Sorceress just gave him a sly look. "Or she's been hanging around you...?"
"Well, do you guys want fashion or warmth? Cause city fashion differs from country fashion," asked Hatman. While snowmobile jackets were the norm in the country, they tended to not fit in as well in the city.
"WARMTH!!" cried Visionary. The other Legionnaires nodded in agreement.
"Yo wants something fuzzy, like bunnies," said Yo.
Suddenly, a news van driving by started skidding through an intersection; the road was too icy and they couldn't stop. It was about to be hit by a semi, and the driver couldn't do anything to stop it.
Hatman whipped his jacket off for better access to his Hatility Belt. He grabbed a San Fransisco Giants cap and slapped it on his head. Instantly he began to grow. He stepped forward, and scopped the van up in one hand, and stepped back. The semi drove on, unharmed. Hatty placed the vehicle on the street along the curb, and removed the hat. He shrunk down to his regular size.
The woman in the passenger seat leaped out of the van and rushed out the side. "Jerry, grab the camera!" she shouted to the driver. She extended her hand to Hatman. "Hi, Dina Swine, CBC news. You're Hatman, yes? I thought you were based in the United States? No matter, do you have time for an interview? Of course you do. Jerry, roll it!"
"Umm, wait...dammit. G-Eyed, if you don't mind," sighed Hatman. G-Eyed teleported them away, leaving the stunned reporter holding nobody's hand.
"Gah! I came here to relax, dammit! Why can't people just leave well enough alone?" complained Hatty. The heroes lounged around in Visionary and Yo's room. CSFB! and Exile were happily pounding the stuffing out of each other on Dream's playstation. Visionary, Yo, G-Eyed, and Sorceress were playing "Go Fish". And Hatman was complaining.
"Well, maybe you shouldn't have flashed your powers for your ex there," offered G-Eyed. "Go fish, fake man."
"I'm real dammit."
"She's not my ex! I just wanted her to believe me. She's a good friend of mine," Hat defended himself. "How was I to know a tour group was standing behind me?"
"I still don't see why you didn't give that interview. The media is just going to hound you more now," consoled Exile. Hatman glared at him.
"He's got a point honey. They're going to try harder for an interview now," said Sorceress.
"Hey, it could be worse, right? There could be a mob of reporters and screaming fans outside our room. That could get messy. Traditionally, whenever heroes are mobbed by hordes of people, somebody gets hurt in the ensuing scramble, and it usually isn't the hero." CSFB! followed that statement up with a "Die, Byrne-spawn!" and began hitting the control buttons faster.
"Umm, guys...you might wanna look out the window," said Vizh, poking his head back from behind the curtain. Yo was the first to look.
"Yo doesn't think they are being here about bunnies," murmured the Yo-being. Everyone excluding Dream and Derek crowded around the window.
"Think we should head back to Parodiopolis yet?" asked Goldeneyed. Outside the room, a horde of reporters stood shouting questions. Behind them was a throng of screaming people. Sorceress darkly noted that a large percentage was teenage girls.
"Hatty, you gotta say something. We can't keep running away, y'know," advised Vizh. Hatman grimly noted, and opened the sliding door. He stepped out onto the balcony, and looked down at the people assembled. The throng cheered, and the reporters shouted questions. Hatman raised his hands for quiet. After a few seconds the crowd quieted down.
"Thank you. As I'm sure most of you have figured out, I'm Hatman. If you mistook me for Nats, I apologize," Hatty grinned. One reporter and two fans left. "Anyway, I'm sure many of you have questions, and while I'd love to answer them all, I'm not here on official business, but rather to relax in my home country. Canada!" The crowd cheered, and Hatman turned briefly to his comrades behind him. "I've always wanted to do that."
"However, if you can promise to give me some privacy for the rest of the night, I am willing to schedule a 'Lair Legion Information' press conference tomorrow, where I and my colleague Visionary, leader of the League of Regulars, will dean to answer all your questions about the Legion," said Hatman.
"Say wha? Why do I have to do it?!" cried Visionary.
"Hey, you declared yourself leader of the Regulars earlier," grinned Goldeneyed. Visionary grumbled.
"However, to tide you all over, I will select one person from the crowd to ask me a few questions. Fair enough?" The crowd roared its approval. Hatman scanned the crowd. Perched atop who he presumed was her father was a young girl, 7 years old if Hatman had to guess. Hat called G-Eyed out and instructed him to teleport her to the balcony. In a flash of light she appeared next to Hatman.
"Don't be alarmed sir, teleporting is perfectly safe!" shouted Hatman to the father. "Now then, what's your name sweetie?"
"Amanda," answered the little girl. Hatman was startled to see she was wearing a shirt with his H logo on it. Maybe I should look into merchandising, for charities, thought Hatman.
"Okay Amanda, ask me anything. What would you like to know?" Hatman glanced back at Sorceress, and nodded to her. She mumbled a few phrases, and a amplification field enveloped the balcony.
"Were you scared when you saved us from Onslaughter?" she asked. The crowd roared in acknowledgement of Hatty's feat of defeating Onslaughter solo.
"Well, yes, I was. Not so much for me, but for all the people that were getting hurt and would get hurt if I didn't stop him. I love this country, and I wasn't about to let some big oaf stomp a hole in it!" The crowd roared, and the press snapped pictures.
"Then why did you leave us?" asked Amanda. Hatman was taken aback.
"I never left you. True, I went to the United States to join the Lair Legion. But that was part of a special education program, so I could learn more about my powers. It's not like I left this country defenseless. I have full confidence in Canada's law enforcement agencies and the various superheroes throughout the country."
"But Hatman," called a reporter, "There are no Canadian heroes. You're the only one. The public has no other Canadian superheroes to look up to!"
"What? No heroes?" Hatman quickly gathered his composure. "Well, we can't have that, can we?"
"Does that mean you're coming back?" Amanda looked up at Hatty with hopefilled eyes. Hatman smiled down at her.
"Maybe I am. Maybe I am," Hatman allowed. "Afraid that's all for tonight, people! Tomorrow, 10 AM, at the Forks, Visionary and I will be holding our press conference. Good night!" Before the crowd began to disperse, Hatman pulled out his Toronto Blue Jays cap and put it on his head. Blue wings sprouted from his back. He scooped Amanda up in his arms, and softly flew her back to her father. The crowd made room for Hatman to land. He set Amanda down, and at her insistance gave her a hug. He then stood up, shook her fathers hand, then took to the air, waving to the crowd as he disappeared back into the hotel room.
"You're not leaving the Legion are you?!" shouted Sorceress as soon as Hatty closed the door behind him.
"Yo am not wanting cute-Hatty to be leaving us," said the thought being.
"You can't leave the Legion! We're partners, man! We can't be partners if we're in different countries!" CSFB! exclaimed.
"Why do I have to do the press conference?" moaned Visionary.
"You're our deputy leader man! We need you!" exclaimed Goldeneyed.
"Yeah, especially since Cheryl left for the Regulars; you're our PR speaker! Imagine if Finny had to do it..." Exile shuddered.
"I don't know for sure what I'm doing guys. I mean, I can't go back with Canada unguarded! I assumed there must be at least one superteam kicking around. But there isn't even one protector here. And maybe...maybe it'll have to be me," said Hatman gravely. "I...I'll see you guys in the morning." Hatman left the room, and the door closed softly behind him.
"Jay, wait!" cried Sorceress. She ran after him, and the door closed with a slam.
"So...got any Kings?" asked Bry glumly.
To be continued...
NEXT: Is Hatman leaving the Legion to stay in Canada? How will this affect Sorceress and the entire team? Just why does Visionary have to go to the press conference? And does Yo have any Kings?