205.200.28.45 writes:
There are two extremes in this decade; that of extreme censorship and education, and that of seriously screwed up stuff. This tale will be a combination of both.
The people of the 90's have been besieged by advertisements with famous people sporting milk mustaches in support of heatly living; which definetly involves drinking milk. Celebrities featured include Tyra Banks, "Stone Cold Steve Austin", Sarah Michelle Gellar, and even the Amazing Spider-Man.
So when the Lair Legion is approached to submit one of these advertisements, who will they choose? Fake men are not revered for their photogeniality. The drinking of dairy products does not go hand in hand with a suit of armor. And the outfit of the celebrity must be, suitable, for young children.
Thus, the Legionnaire Hatman volunteers to be featured in the ad. This is the tale...
"Lousy stinking superhero rassumfrassum..." grumbled the photographer. The legendary, umm, what's-his-face was on hand to photograph the Capped Crusader to grace the pages of magazines, comic books, and the inset of his new book, "How to Make Hat Hair Work For You".
A gust of wind blew above the photographer's head, and he turned to see the cause. Nothing was there.
A tap on his shoulder caused him to turn around. Behind him was the grinning visage of Hatman. The hero was reaffixing his Winnipeg Jets hat to his Hatility Belt.
"Hrmmph! 'Bout time you got here!" groused the photographer. Hatman glanced to his wrist.
"By my watch I'm five minutes early," said the Capped Crusader. He tapped the timepiece, then grimaced good-naturedly.
"I guess I forgot that it got smashed when Lisa 'attacked' me before she found out my age," he said. "Sorry 'bout that."
The photographer sighed. "Let's get going, shall we?"
"Wait!" called out a female voice. "Don't start yet!" A teenaged redhead came running out from behind the backdrop.
"Not now, Aurora!" sighed the photographer. "We're already behind schedule."
"But you said I'd get to meet a member of the Lair Legion!" she gushed. She stopped next to the photographer and looked around. "So, where is he?"
"Be right back," said Hatman quickly. "I forgot a quick emergency I have to take care of." Hatman slammed his Seattle Supersonics hat on and took off running.
"Now look what you did!" cursed the photographer. "I told you you'd scare him off!"
"Not quite!" called out Hatman as he speeded back to the site. "It didn't take as long as I'd think." He brought his hand out from behind his cape and handed a bouqet of flowers to the girl. "I've got a reputation to consider, don't I?" he grinned.
"Wow! That is so nice! Thank you spiffy!" the girl gushed.
"Your wel-spiffy?! I'm not spiffy?" cried Hatman in surprise.
"Oh, I was hoping spiffy would come. He's my favorite Legionnaire!"*
[*How's THAT for a plot twist! :)]
"Umm, guess we might as well get started, eh?" mumbled Hatman. He was used to being upstaged by guys like Donar, but spiffy?
"Stop! No pictures will be taken today, Hathoser! Not while Lactose-Intolerance still stands!" cried a figure from behind Hatman.
The Legionnaire whirled to find a figure clad in all white, with an internation "No" symbol stamped on his chest and on his belt buckle. "What kind of slam is that? Hathoser? I mean c'mon. At least put some effort in!"
"Gah! Die, Milk-loving scum!"
Lactose-Intolerant lunged at Hatman. The Capped Crusader swiftly avoided his attack and grabbed his white cape. He twirled the man around and slammed him into a wall.
"Don't make me laugh, you osteoporosis poster boy! You're gonna beat me?" crowed Hatman. It was then that he noticed the crowd building behind the villain.
"He might not, but we will!" cried the leader. "Lactose-Intolerant Inc. will be the end of you and all dairy lovers!"
It was at this moment that Hatman remembered that the rest of the Lair had entered Space Ghost's Cosmic Elevator and were most likely currently stuck in Parodyverse-2.
At Baron Zemo's secret-yet-marked-on-a-map castle, in the chamber of Dr. Moo. The diabolical doctor awoke with a start. "Something is wrong in Parodiopolis. Very wrong."
Hatman
