205.200.28.44 writes:
"I am NOT cleaning this up," muttered Troia as she dug herself out of the rubble. Unfortunately for the Amazon administrator, the battle between Fin Fang Foom and Fing Fan Fwoosh had taken place in front of her office. One swipe of Finny's tail had taken out the wall, toppling it on top of her.
As she braced herself with her spear, a caped figure touched down amidst the rubble. The young man helped Troia to her feet. "ManMan, you saved me!" exclaimed a woozy Troia. The man just grinned. "But since when can you fly? And when did you get that cape?"
"I'm not ManMan, Troia. It's Hatman. I take it I'm too late," said Hatman somberly. He looked around at the destruction, and the disturbing lack of Legionnaires.
"It was, these headless copies of the Legion. Don't know where they took them. I need Advil..." Troia drifted off into unconsciousness, and would have fell on her face if Hatman hadn't caught her. Hatman suspected a concussion.
"Hold it right there, son! I won't let you harm her!" called a voice from the rubble. Out staggered a man clad in a replica of Hatman's costume, and covered in a large amount of silly string. "I'm not sure what's going on here, but you put her down this instant!"
What? Messenger told me there was no clone of me! I had assumed HeadCase was just trying to mess with my head...but did Messenger lie to me? thought Hatman.
"Wait a minute here! You want ME to put her down? I think you have some explaining to do," demanded Hatman. The copy reached to his belt, and yanked off a hat. With amazing speed, he hurled the hat at Hatman. It didn't make it half the distance between the two.
"What? Where are my weapons? My razor-bowlers, the exploding top hats? And what the hell am I wearing? This is the most ridiculous get-up I've ever seen!" exploded the man. Hatman stood there in shock, Troia almost forgotten in his arms.
Obviously he hasn't seen CSFB!'s costume, thought Hatman. Out loud, he said, "Hey, I designed that get-up you, er, we're wearing! And while we're on the subject, just who are you and why are you wearing my costume?!"
"Why, I'm Hatman. Wait a minute...you must be that new guy. My mind's been kinda fuzzy lately, but I recognize you from the news. And it does seem like I'm in your costume, doesn't it?" The man paused, then continued. "I woke up in this body, and didn't know why I was in it. I assumed it was one of those alternate reality deals. I was in some tube, and after I freed myself I got out of that place. Anyway, I saw a news report about this Lair Legion, and saw something about this great inventor, NUT* something or other, and his super-computer, HALLIE. So I thought, why not try get some information from that computer?"
[*No, that is not a typo :) ]
"So, you saw you looked like one of the members of the Legion and walked right in?" prodded Hatman.
"That's about the size of it. I encountered this rather, flamboyant, young man. He asked me about some joke he had played on me, well, you, I guess. Then he punched me and bound me with this, silly string? I just got free and saw you fly in," finished the Hatman copy.
"Wait...do you remember what building?"
"'Fraid not. I was still pretty fuzzy upstairs," responded the copy.
"Damn. Well, we'll have to find them some other way." Hatman then spotted Mjalcom and DK's utility belt. "They've taken Donar! Perfect!"
"I think my hearing's a little fuzzy. Did you say perfect?"
"Yes I did. Now I know exactly how to find them! As soon as we drop Troia off with Visionary, er, Cheryl, we'll be on our way!"
* * * * *
"Ah, you're back! And seeing as how you're carrying a bonanza of super-heroes, I'd say things went well!" exclaimed HeadCase. "I trust you left a suitable clue to lead Hatman here?"
"I tinkered with the exhaust my jet boots give off. Using the proper frequency of super-vision, tiny particles are visible, leaving a trail right to us," said LMD-051. HeadCase looked like he wanted to explode.
"You moron! Hatman doesn't have vision powers! Mind you, with the proper hat I imagine he could, but why would he even think of that? It's not a primary power of his! You had better hope he finds some way to find us so I can kill him or else I'll kill you! And your little dog, too!" shouted HeadCase. "Now then, if you're a member of the Lair Legion and you're conscious, please do raise your hand."
"I shalt raise more than that, villain!" Donar declared. The woozy Ausgardian rose to his feet, shattered bonds on the floor. HeadCase grinned as Bjornar moved in to intercept the Oldmanson.
"Leave him, Bjornar. He's mine," commanded the villain.
"Feh, thou think thou can hurt the scion of Ausgard? Thy minions had a go and found themselves wanting. Only through trickery and a sucker punch didst they find temporary victory. Now I shalt show thee what happens when thou doth mess with mine friends!" said Donar in defiance.
"Ho hum, typical superhero speech. Why can't you guys just die quietly? Like that Dark Knight guy, I bet he's not a chatterbox like you are. For the big dumb strong guy of this bunch you do yak a lot. No matter, I think you'll find I won't even work up a sweat. Ya, would you kindly hand me the head next to you. Please and thank you."
Ya handed HeadCase a head from the rack behind him/her. HeadCase eased it onto his head, and he shuddered. Then the transformation began. His shirt tore as his muscles bulged. He grew in height and bulk until he was the same size as Donar.
"You didn't forget I have the power to take on the power of whoever's head is resting on my own, did you? You see, there's a reason why I decapitated my clones before maturity. To use their powers for myself! Too bad they won't fit on a belt or something though."
"It matters not, villain. For I doth have right on my side." The Ausgardian lurched forward until he was nose to nose with HeadCase. "And let us not forget yonder Knightstick!" Donar slammed the Dark Knight's weapon into HeadCase's jaw. HeadCase staggered back, then regained his footing.
"A cowardly attack, Ausgardian. Bjornar, Mjalner. Now." Bjornar, despite having no visible eyes, tossed his weapon to HeadCase. Donar looked down at the Knightstick in his hands. While it was a formidable weapon, it would stand no chance against the enchanted weapon HeadCase held in his hands.
And of course, that suited Donar just fine.
"Have at thee!" Donar lunged forward, moving inside the swing of Mjalner. He slammed his fist into HeadCase's gut, then landed another blow to his solar plexus. HeadCase wheezed out a breath. Donar then concentrated, and began to slowly hum. He brought his hands together, and with a flash of light a bolt of lightning struck HeadCase in the chest.
"Whoa," murmured Bjornar from the side.
"Have thee had enough, villain? Or doth thou deem it necessary for me to kick thine ass even more?" challenged the Ausgardian. Despite his bravado, Donar was barely standing on his own. The beating he had taken earlier was taking its toll.
HeadCase laughed.
* * * * *
"Had enough yet?" crowed Goldenfisted. He and Goldeneyed stood across from each other, both bloodied and battered. G-Eyed stared down his adversary, or rather would have if his opponent had eyes.
"I'm just warming up!" called back Goldeneyed. He looked above them. He had to keep Goldenfisted from releasing the beast.
"You know what I plan to do, don't you? I'm going to release the One from his captivity. Without him to provide you power, you'll soon be powerless. And once you're out of power, you'll die!"
Goldeneyed considered his options. If Goldenfisted managed to drain off the magical energies that simultaneously bound the One as well as siphon off its power and disperse it to 'batteries' like himself, the One would be unleashed upon the Parodyverse. And Goldeneyed doubted even the Lair Legion could stop it.
"What about you? Without the power you'll also die," countered Goldeneyed.
"No, I won't. The magical energies that I'll absorb will keep me alive and fully powered. Now then, if you'll excuse me," said Goldenfisted as he began to tap into the barrier.
"No!" cried Goldeneyed in vain. He knew there was only one option. First, he visualized his apartment in his mind, and zeroed in on his pet Bulbasaur, Ben. Being at the Nexus and absorbing the energy unfiltered magnified G-Eyed's power; with but a thought the Pokemon was there.
"Ben, you have to distract him. I'm counting on you buddy!" His Bulbasaur nodded its head and turned to confront Goldenfisted. It fired four razor leaves at the clone. Two caught Goldenfisted in the arms, and they drew blood.
The clone shifted to counter the new threat. A laser rifle appeared in his hand and he fired it at the Bulbasaur. Ben leapt out of the way, and fired its leech seed. It wrapped around Goldenfisted and began to siphon off his power.
Goldeneyed ignored the battle between his pet and his clone. Instead he concentrated, and started to absorb the energy from the barrier into himself.
* * * * *
Fedora whirled around to face the man chasing him. He had been on the go for hours, and still the Postman was onto him. His arsenal was starting to get depleted.
Messenger wasn't behind him. Fedora whirled around, a razor-rimmed bowler in hand. His keen senses couldn't detect the Postman. He began to relax. Maybe he had lost him.
A razor letter flew out from the shadows, knocking the weapon from Fedora's hand. Fedora stood frozen. Messenger calmly exited the shadows, his gun drawn.
"Games over, scumbag. Now you die," said the Postman cooly. Fedora looked for cover, there was none.
"You sure you want to do that?" asked a voice. Messenger whirled to find Xander the Improbably standing behind him. Messenger kept his gun trained on Fedora even as he faced Xander.
"Don't move, Fedora. I got eyes in the back of my head, or so I'm told," snarled the Postman.
"Leave him, Messenger. You're needed elsewhere," said Xander.
"No sh*t I'm needed elsewhere. After this I gotta go and save the Legion, again," said Messenger.
"No, that is being taken care of. There is another menace, one that even now the Legionnaire Goldeneyed is trying to prevent, yet he is failing and he knows it. If it is unleashed, I fear nothing will be able to stop it."
Fedora watched this, and it seemed the Messenger's aim was wavering. There was another alley 10 feet away. If he could make it...
Fedora broke into a run. Messenger turned his head and blasted Fedora in the leg. The clone fell to the ground, clutching his thigh.
"Told ya."
NEXT: It's Hatman and Hatman to the rescue! Can the Capped Crusader and his new partner free the Legion? Why is Goldeneyed setting the One free? And what part will Messenger play?
Hatman