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Darkness.
The night descended upon Parodiopolis. The sights and sounds of the city filled the air; New Parody Tower stood tall, a glowing beacon in the heart of the city. The wail of a police siren pierced the night, the police off to attempt to prevent another crime.
HeadCase could appreciate the irony. The cops were racing across town to some shoplifting call or cat in a tree, while he held hostage the world's premiere super-team, the Lair Legion. Granted, there was nothing that the forces of law enforcement could do to stop him, but a futile attempt at rescue would have been appreciated.
The criminal sipped his wine, swigging it slightly as he savored the taste. He leaned back in his chair, his bald head reflecting the chandelier light.
Over the soft tones of Beethoven HeadCase could hear the pounding. Beneath the upper levels of his sanctum were the prison levels; he had designed special cells for the Legion.
Donar, NTU-150, Fin Fang Foom, and DarkHwk were in a cell constructed entirely of adamethium, the strongest metal known to man. There was no door; Goldenfisted had teleported them inside. The only light source was phosporescent chemicals; nothing electrical for NTU to play with.
Lisa and Yo were in a cell specially designed to neutralize mental powers. While it would do next to nothing against the physical might of Donar or Fin Fang Foom, a neural-inhibiting field encased the room, effectively cancelling out Lisa's summoning powers and Yo's thought abilities.
CrazySugarFreakBoy! was, in effect, locked up in a rubber room. Anything but the tiniest motion would careen him throughout the room, out of control. As torture, HeadCase had included ripped covers to such comic classics as Amazing Fantasy #15 and Action Comics #1.
The Dark Knight was locked in a cell joint-designed by LMD-051 and the Dark Horseman. As the Horseman possessed all the knowledge in the Knight's head since before the cloning, he knew every trick the Knight would consider to escape. The Horseman stood guard outside the door, as insurance.
"I still can't believe how easy this is! I've done what that sissy Zemo has never been able to do; beat the Legion into submission! Why, sometimes I amaze myself!" HeadCase then looked out the window, and remarked at the weather. "There's no way Hatman will show tonight. It's a clear sky; there won't be any lightning for that dramatic effect. Maybe I should check the weather channel."
* * * * *
"Thou art sure we shouldst not be sneaking in?" he asked in a quiet voice. His companion turned to him and answered in a low voice.
"HeadCase won't be expecting both of us. I'll stage a frontal assault and buy you all the time I can. You sneak in and free the Legion. We'll need their help," he responded.
"Art thou sure? Thou doth not have the experience I doth have at battling HeadCase. Mayhap I should attack forthright whilst thou creep in?" countered his partner.
"I'm sure. I know what to do and how to do it. I'll be fine. I didn't spend all that time battling Zemo without learning to improvise."
"Very well then. Let us go, forsooth!"
The man in the ball cap and cape pulled a hat from his belt and put it on his head. He seemed to grow larger, and the streetlight glinted off his form. He approached the window he was looking for and crashed through it.
"What is this? Can't a guy have some peace and quiet? You're gonna have to pay for that, y'know!" cursed HeadCase. He slammed his fist over an intercom button and shouted into it. "Headless Horde, get up here now! We have an intruder!"
HeadCase turned to his adversary, and recognized his foe. "Hatman! So good of you to come! I wasn't expecting you so soon, but it's better to be earlier than late, I suppose. Mind you, you're about to be extremely late...in the way that you won't be breathing anymore!"
"Is that so, HeadCase? I really don't think so. You think your Horde can stop me? I can beat them in my sleep, and wake up in time to finish you off," crowed the Capped Crusader.
"Thou think that thou can defeat us in combat? Feh, thou couldst not e'en defeat me alone; thou'd have no prayer 'gainst us all!" said Bjornar as he led the charge into HeadCase's study.
"That a challenge, tough guy? Think you can take me without the help of your buddies back there?" challenged Hatman.
"Verily, I couldst wipe the floor with thee!" responded the headstrong (pun unintended) hemiclone.
"Bring it on, then," snarled Hatman. Bjornar advanced, Mjalner at the ready.
Hatman smiled.
* * * * *
Hatman's partner crept through the shadows of the basement. He didn't want to turn on any lights; it was possible that a member of the Horde could have been left behind in case a Legionnaire found a way to escape.
"Verily, I doth sense Donar behind yon door. Mayhap there be a guard there; I must enter with stealth, yea," he muttered to himself. He reached up to his head and removed the horned helmet on his head, and fastened it to two clasps behind his shoulders. The helmet fit perfectly between his shoulder blades.
He reached to his belt and pulled an object from it. He placed it on his head and melted into the shadows.
Hatman carefully opened the door. The Florida Panthers hat allowed him greater vision in the dark; and the Panther's natural ability to blend with the shadows made him nearly possible to detect visually.
Glad I'm here now. Donar must have gotten seriously trashed; his helmet was making me tired and weak, he thought to himself.
Hatman crept through the hallway, listening for sounds of sentries, his friends, anything. Then he heard a scream. He would've been able to hear it even without his advanced hearing. He broke out into a run.
"Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop!!!!" howled Yo as Lisa tried to calm him down. Hatman rounded the corner to see the thought being being cradled in Lisa's arms. Lisa covered Yo's eyes with her hand, shielding him to the images being projected in front of them.
On a screen in front of them came images of bunnies. Bunnies being slaughtered, tortured, skinned alive. HeadCase had done his homework; Yo was near a breakdown.
"Hang on Yo, I'm coming!" he shouted, not caring if he was heard or not. He couldn't stand the thought of his friend, who literally wouldn't harm a fly, in such pain. He ripped the Panthers hat from his head and replaced it with his Steelers cap.
Hatman pulled back, then slammed his fist through the monitor. The picture was instantly gone, and the sound quickly died out in a series of squawks.
He was too late. Lisa held nothing in her arms. Even with the power inhibitor, Yo had managed to teleport to the Happy Place. Hatman softly cursed under his breath. One of their most powerful members, gone for the upcoming battle.
"Hatty! Get me out of here quick so I can get the rest of the Legion out," said Lisa hurriedly. Hatman ripped through the wall, and Lisa stepped out. She concentrated, as she felt her summoning powers returning.
"I summons Donar, NTU, Fin Fang Foom, DarkHwk, CrazySugarFreakBoy!, and the Dark Knight!" she called out. The group of ragged Legionnaires appeared before Lisa. DarkHwk supported NTU in his damaged armor. Donar leaned heavily upon Mjalcom. CSFB! had a haunted look in his eyes. Fin Fang Foom was a pale shade of green.
"Where's Yo?" asked DarkHwk as he looked at the assembled Legionnaires.
"He escaped to the Happy Place. Couldn't stand any more of HeadCase's torture," said the Dark Knight. Hatman had no idea how DK had known that, but at the moment didn't care.
"We can't worry about Yo right now. DK, Lisa, you have to get everyone out of here. I'll go handle HeadCase and the Horde," commanded Hatman. "If you can, find Exile, ManMan, the Abandoned Legion, spiffy, anybody, I don't care, just get them down here. I don't think the two of us can handle them alone." Hatman then ran off to the faint sounds of battle.
"'Two of us'? Who's he talking about?" questioned CrazySugarFreakBoy!. He tried to follow his partner, to help him, but Lisa blocked his way.
"Forget it, CSFB!. We've all been beaten up too bad. We'll get out, contact the AL, Exile, and ManMan, and then we'll-" Lisa was cut off as the Legion faded out of the building.
They reappered in an alley. Lisa recognized two of the three men in the alley. One was Messenger. The one with the blood oozing out of his leg she didn't recognize. The third was-
"Xander! You've got to help us! We need the Abandoned Legion! We-" Xander silenced her with a look then looked to the sky. Lisa looked up as well, and she could see the problem.
* * * * *
Bjornar was mad.
This Hatman guy that HeadCase was so obsessed with was making a fool of him. When did he get superspeed? Bjornar struck where he thought the hero would be, hoping to land a lucky blow. Even with the radar-like information being delivered to his brain through his exposed skin couldn't track the Capped Crusader.
A statue smashed over Bjornar's shoulders; what would have been a devastating blow to the had. The hemiclone was getting extremely mad. And while he didn't have control of the earth magiks that Donar did, his hammer did allow him elemental powers.
Bjornar struck with lightning. A 360 degree field enveloped him, the bolts striking at random, unpredictable. No way that punk could be faster than electricity.
Bjornar thought he heard a cry of pain, so he went all out. He concentrated and intensified the energy in the bolts. A scream of pain echoed throughout the room. Bjornar gave it his all, and a white flash illuminated the room.
Bjornar turned to the scorched body lying behind him. He expected to see the body of Hatman; instead lay the Waltz and the Dark Horseman. Bjornar then figured out what had happened; that scream hadn't echoed, there had been more than one.
"Nice try, by the way," said a smug Hatman as he grabbed Mjalner from Bjornar. While the hero would be unable to lift Mjalcom, Mjalner did not contain the worthy enchantment, otherwise Bjornar would be unable to lift it.
"Whoa, heavy," muttered Hatman. He switched from the Seattle Supersonics hat to his Vancouver Grizzlies cap. He grabbed ahold of the hammer by the handle and heaved. The hammer scored a hit as it connected with Bjornar's stomach. Bones broke as the hemiclone careened through the air and through a wall.
"Most impressive, I must admit," said HeadCase from the side. "However, I cannot allow this damage to my estate to continue. Horde, if you please." The remaining Horde members advanced on Hatman. "But don't kill him." HeadCase paused.
"Ah, screw it! Kill him! Kill him till he's dead!! But bring me his head! On a silver platter. With a twig of parsely and a side of coleslaw, I think."
"The only food you'll be eating, HeadCase, is prison food!" called a voice. From the adjoining hall came Hatman, holding a hat in his hand. "Give it up, HeadCase. You really don't want me to use this hat."
"Who the hell are you? You look just like...oh, I see! One of you is the clone that escaped! Damn I'm good, I can't tell which is which! I suppose after I kill you we can find out, though," mused the villain.
"You handle the Horde...I'll take care of HeadCase," instructed the real Hatman. "Say, what are we going to call you? We can't both be Hatman."
"At least for now, you can call me Capman. Just for now," added Capman. He put his Superman hat on and attacked the Horde.
"Bah, I should've added an imagination when I cloned you!" cackled HeadCase. "Now then, Hatman. Dear sweet Hatty. What are we going to do with you?"
"For starters, nobody calls me 'sweet Hatty' but Sorceress. Although for the last little while she's called me some other stuff...but that's not the point! You're going down NOW, HeadCase. When the Abandoned Legion gets here-"
"The Abandoned Legion? Please, don't insult me. I've already beaten the big league team. I DESTROYED the big league team. You're telling me the farm team can come in and pinch hit to defeat me?" howled HeadCase. He cackled an evil laugh.
"They'll do more than that. They'll mop the floor with your cheap imitations. There are only 5 left. And Capman's already mopped the floor with 3. You're done," snarled Hatman.
"Only 5 left? Hat, Hatman, Hatty baby, listen to me! You think I only cloned those 9? Please, I'm intent on conquering the world here! Only then will only the beautiful heads be left; nobody will be bald or have a bad haircut, for I will rein SUPREME!!" laughed the insane villain.
"Hate to point it out, pyscho, but you're bald too. Mind tilting your head, I'd like to check my hair," sniped the Capped Crusader.
"There are exceptions. Hitler wasn't the same as the rest of his 'master race', was he? Well, I guess that zombified version was, but that's different! In any event, I did clone more than those original 9. Oh yes. Would you mind revealing yourselves now, people? I don't care if you do mind, do it!" commanded HeadCase.
From out of the shadows came more clones. "Please do say hellow to 'ap, Vision-nary, Spuffy, X-iled, Headless Victory, Wiccan, and Boa!"
NEXT: Can Hatman and Capman hope to defeat all these copies of the Parodyverse's heroes? What trouble is in the sky? Just why did Goldeneyed summon Exile's Pokemon in mistake of his own? All this and more, in Tales of the Hat #6!
Hatman