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The Hooded Hood Chronicles #3: The Hooded Hood Fathered My Love Child Wednesday, 17-Nov-1999 13:37:02
The Hooded Hood Chronicles #3: The Hooded Hood Fathered My Love Child This is a true story, and I’ve got to tell it like it happened. I was once a simple farm lass, living happily in the hills above Gritty City with my family and my pet goat Betsy. One night, as I was skipping back from milking the cows I was real ‘mazed to see a great shining light fall from the heavens and crash into the barn. Real worried about whether out insurance policy covered bits of sky falling (I’m quite good with my letters and once I saw this book about a chicken that had that problem) I ran into the barn to see what was the damage. Pa gets real cross if I break stuff, and I was afraid he might take it out of my allowance if’n the chickens got all squashed. Well, it turned out it wasn’t no bit of sky. It was a man, all done up in this charred grey cloak and a big grey hood. And he was smoking. I don’t mean smoking like Cousin Tex, who does thirteen packets a day and kin hock a wad fifteen paces and pin a piglet to the wall. No, I mean smoking like he’s steaming and all get out. So I threw the water left for the old sow over him to try and stop that there smoking. And he woke up. “Who dares assault the person of the Hood?” he asked, real fierce like. And his eyes, well, they just glowed, like the TV does when you jest switched it off after late-night Oprah reruns. I just went all weak and watery as he looked at me. “Insignificant mote,” he said, and sort of strode out of the barn like poppa headin’ for the gin joint. He got outside, looked up into the sky, and shouted. “This isn’t over yet, Mefrothto! There is still much of the night left before dawn, and I shall yet endure and win the prize!” Well, all that shoutin and hollering, it went and woke up Pa and brother Jed and Uncle Cletus and cousin Jode, and Pa came out of the outhouse pulling up his pants and wanting to know what was happening and why the barn had a big hole in it. And Uncle Cletus had Old Faithful loaded like the time he found Cousin Daphne with the Hearin’ Aid Saleman. And it looked to be getting a mite hot for the tall fella in the fancy rig. “Begone, irrelevant interlopers!” the stranger said. And suddenly the whole family really was gone. And then I remembered about them striking crude oil and going off to Beverly Hills to live two weeks ago and I was real jealous cuz they left me to mind the farm. But I got the last laugh in the end cause they all choked to death that same night on those little black fish egg things. Anyways, that just left me and Betsy with the stranger, and he had this real funny look in his eyes. “Excellent!” he said, and put his fingers together in a sort of steeple. “I urgently require a virgin!” Well, maw warned me about boys so I wus just backing away and goin’ for the pitchfork when he reached forward and seized my goat, ripping it from me and dragging it back towards the barn. And that was the last I ever saw of Betsy alive… “What are you doin’ to my goat, mister?” I asked, trailing him into the dark shed. “The animal has served its purpose,” the stranger in the grey hood boomed. “Once again the way lies open to the lair of Mefrothto.” And he pointed to this big swirly thing in the sky, whut made my head ache to look at it. “What’s going on?” I asked, ‘cause by then I was as baffled as Cousin Deke was that time he got his pants on backwards. “Very well,” the big guy said. “I have just enough time to declaim before facing my destiny. You may know me as… the Hooded Hood! I go now to struggle once again with the demonic Mefrothto, on the anniversary of the dreaded day when he stole from me the one thing that I truly love… and on the day that I prevail, Little Pooty will once more be tucked in with me after my bedtime story! And so I go to wrestle with this, the ultimate evil… that my stuffed teddy shall be free!” “Ain’t you going to a-ravish me, then?” I checked. It seemed a bit of a cheek to blow up our barn and chop up my goat and then show no interest at all in me. It don’t happen like that on the daytime TV. “Ignorant sow,” the Hooded Hood scowled, his eyes going all flashy. “If you desire to be impregnated, then so be it. Enjoy your fecund fertility.” And he waved his hands and everything went all ripply... and then my belly was real large, like I was well gone and near my time. Well, it ain’t done like that on daytime TV either, I can tell you. But then the Hooded Hood was gone, up into that big swirly sky thing. And the last thing I hears was this real nasty voice, like Jack Nicholson, sayin’ “COME THEN, SEE HOW POOTY HAS LEARNED TO COMFORT THE VERY HORDES OF HELL!” And the Hood, he said, “Lay on, Mefrothto. If this be my destiny…” And that’s all I heard. Anyways, the Hooded Hood, he’s the one who’s father of this here love child. And that’s how it happened. I got to go now, the big old cracklin’ pig he wants feeding. Funny how much little Zeke junior looks like him somehow… A Wronged Woman And, as a special bonus, here’s the Hooded Hood’s answers to a survey someone put up on the BZL board at about this time. Few people back then realised how prophetic some of HH’s answers were. A Survey Before the Hood begins to respond to your inane prattle, let it first be known that he thanks the heroes of the BZL for taking the time to reveal their own petty fears, flaws, and weaknesses. Your answers are noted and your time grows short. And so to these irritating enquiries... >Who do you think is: >The smartest character in the Parodyverse? Clearly the Hooded Hood is the smartest character, for his schemes are ever touched with sinister genius. Amongst the heroes the Hood has some slight regard for the abilities of NTU-150, Jarvis, and the one known as the Chronicler. >The dumbest? All who cling to the idea that justice and right can triumph are fools. >The most powerful in the Parodyverse? If power is measured purely in terms of the ability to accomplish anything, then the entity known as the Parody Master is currently the most powerful. Yet if I could but lure him near my Ultra-Leech Power Harness... >The most powerful in the Lair Legion? Jarvis or Lisa, for theirs is the ability to assemble all those others. Power lies not with the tool but with the one who wields it. >The most competent Hero? The Hood has a scant respect for the Dark Knight. >The least? Those whom the Hood most despises as lack-witted incompetents have already been erased from the BZL. Which is saying something. >The most competent Villain? Modesty permits the Hooded Hood from replying. It is for others to pen paeans of praise to his glory. The Hood has also noted that other posters have elected to endanger their lives by proclaiming others in answer to this question, and has noted down the names of such offenders. Be sure that you will die screaming remorse that ever you made so unwise a response. >The least? Surely Zemo has squandered more chances at domination than anyone? The man lacks the killer instinct that is so necessary amongst those whose destiny it is to rule all reality. Historical note: Zemo’s ruthlessness and determination and the Hood’s opinion of them became a turning point at the culmination of the first Hooded Hood story arc. >Who are the BZL's "Big Three?" (define that any way you want to) The Hood acknowledges no big three. There may possibly be an intermediate-sized eleven. >Which characters would you like to see romantically involved? Love is an illusion in a dismal world where only the strong endure and only those whose ruthlessness matches their ambition struggle to the pinnacle of total dominance. Let the heroes rut and swoon. Soon all will be ashes and they will weep over the corpses of their lovers. >Whose relationship should end, if any, for a good story? (Can be friends or more-than-friends) All of them. >Which characters would you like to see become friends? Despite my previous answer, and it being eventually necessary for me to destroy him utterly, I feel a certain kinship with Zemo. He alone is near to being a peer of the Hooded Hood. >What is the ideal line up for the Lair Legion roster, assuming you could only pick 7 members? This answer will become clear in just under one month from now. Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah! HH note to the Crying Clown: This was the last time a laugh like this wasn’t passé. >Who would play your character in a BZL movie? Is Christopher Lee dead? Does it matter? >Who would win in a fight, the Lair Legion or the JLA? Surely they would clash in inconclusive battle until they sorted out their pathetic misunderstanding and teamed up so as to have any chance of defeating the schemes of their mutual adversary? >Uh... we already know Donar's bulletproof... what else...? But so vulnerable in other ways. Oh yes. >Which character would you most like to see nakid? Which would you least like to? (It's getting late... sue me) I believe it might be amusing to have NTU-150 pegged out before me, flayed of his flesh, with the opportunity to gradually and painfully dissect his robotic and organic parts. Yes, an interesting experiment. Let me add it to my list... >Where does your character currently live? The Hood is currently living in the hand of destiny, ever surging towards my inevitable and cataclysmic triumph. Or at Herringcarp Asylum. Take your pick. >Which two characters should be secretly siblings? I am indifferent to the familiar relationships of lesser beings. However, I may review any intriguing suggestions from other respondents and then retcon it so that it has always been so. Historical note: The majority or responses here noted how amusing it would be if Lisa and Jarvis, then currently lovers (in continuity), were to discover that they were brother and sister. >Which current hero should become a villain? Lisa is but one bad day away from slipping into the abyss. Remind me to arrange it. Historical note: Future chapters of the storyline would see this threat being made good. >Which villain should become a hero? No villain should turn their back on the trail of conquest and glory. >Who can you not imagine the Parodyverse without? I can well envisage the Parodyverse without any of the BZL posters at all, a thing of pristine order where the word of the Hood is paramount and all things bend to my whim. Let it be so. >That should do. Indeed. The Hooded Hood has work to do. You are dismissed. Another trip down reprint alley with the HTML-challenged Hooded Hood |
| The Hooded Hood Chronicles #3: The Hooded Hood Fathered My Love Child (Another trip down reprint alley with the HTML-challenged Hooded Hood) (17-Nov-1999 13:37:02) |
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