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The Hooded Hood Chronicles #8: The Hooded Hood and the Golden Age Matadors Monday, 22-Nov-1999 15:36:12
The Hooded Hood Chronicles #8: The Hooded Hood and the Golden Age Matadors Jokes aren’t funny if you have to explain them department: This episode might seem even more baffling than usual to readers not familiar with the Avengers Message Board (the original home of the Parodyverse stories’ publication, before the BZL board). In the interests of saving future historians large research grants, I’ll try and provide a context. A number of fans on the AMB are particularly interested in Golden Age stories – the jargon for comics published back in the 1940’s and 50’s. About the time of this tale they had formed an association called “the Golden Age Marvelites” or GAMs. They had a logo, membership, the works. At the forefront of this movement were the posters Crusher Hogan, MH (fan of 40’s comics), and Toro (names after the original Human Torch’s blazing teenaged companion). One of the longest and most persistent strands of GAMs debate centred around Golden Girl, a minor character who was Captain America’s sidekick briefly in the late ‘40’s. For a long time none of the posters knew much about her, including what she looked like since those comics are extremely rare. Interestingly, MH makes another, final appearance in Untold Tales #17. One final note. Zemo assumed that it was him that the GAMs killed in this story. It wasn’t. I’d have thought Zemo would know he wasn’t dead. It was his boss, Adolf. It was Berlin, 1945, which meant that steam was rising up from the manholes and everything was in crisp black and white. In the distance were the pounding of the American guns and the whirring of the movie cameras. There were no British, French or Russian forces involved in the war, as they weren’t making the films. And there was a bunker. The last loyal Nazi thugs fired with their special comics-version sub-machine guns, which never require reloading and don’t have a recoil worth speaking of. When they found that bullets just bounced off the three colourful figures that approached they reacted by saying things like “Ach!” and “Nein!” and “Amerikaner swinehunts!” And then they went down in the sheet of flames from the blazing youth who led the way for freedom’s greatest defenders. Now the second of the attackers got to work on the massive fortress doors. He knew that he was powerful enough to bend them. He had managed to breach similarly strong leaded portals in Muddling Mystery Comics #31, and some dialogue in All Wieners Squad #3 clearly indicated that his strength remained undiminished until he had been separated from his comics index for a full hour. “Well done, 40’s Fan,” the third, commanding invader declared, stepping first into the darkened tunnel that led to the greatest mass-murderer in history. “Get some light down here, Burning Boy!” “No problem, Crusher!,” the youngster replied, “Just leave some ratzis for the rest of us!” The Golden Age Matadors vanished down the corridor, heading towards Hitler’s last stronghold, determined to bring him to justice before he had a chance to escape. In the background a tall, bald man in a high-tech toga watched them go with a certain measure of disappointment. “She’s not with them,” another, sinister voice called out from the even deeper shadows. The first spectator frowned as he turned at the strange Latvian tones of the Hooded Hood. “What are you doing here?” he demanded of the cowled crime czar. “Who has the temerity to spy upon… an Observer?” The Hooded Hood sloped out of the shadows, gathering his cloak around himself for a full page introduction shot. “The Hooded Hood dares anything!” he replied, leaving space in the speech bubble to replace the words ‘Hooded Hood’ with a sinister logo if Hatman ever got round to doing one for him. “But you are hardly in a position to criticise me for spying, are you?” “It is my duty to observe the significant incidents of this insignificant world of yours, mortal,” the Observer replied, trying to retain his dignity as the Hooded Hood folded his arms and gave him a sceptical stare. “Alright then,” the cowled crime-czar challenged. “If you’re an official Observer, show me your license.” “What?” “Your license. It comes with the kit. Depilatory cream, Kirby toga, n-dimensional lunar base – and I’d keep the warranty on that handy in about fifty-odd years, by the way – and the little card to identify yourself as an Observer. So where’s yours?” The be-togad stranger looked even more uncomfortable. “I… um, I must have left it in my other mantle,” he suggested. “I thought so,” the Hooded Hood declaimed. “You’re the rogue Observer, the one who got thrown out for being addicted to Saturday Morning Avengers Cartoons. You are the pathetic entity that men call… the Voyeur!” “I got a bum rap!” the Voyeur objected. “Those Avengers cartoons were pretty amazing. The way that Hawkeye was able to morph into all those robot animals! That cool battle armour that everyone but Tigra wore!! And that caped robot they fought that could turn into a giant car!!! The groovy simplified artwork of a post-apocalyptic Korean drawing-shop. The Observers just didn’t understand that I was following my mandate. That programme was the most significant event of the twentieth century! No wonder the comic book got changed into the Amazing Morphin Avengers and their Accessorised Friends!” “And now you lurk here,” the Hood said contemptuously. “Seeking to make amends, striving to record the turning points in your human destiny…” The cowled crime-czar snorted contemptuously. “You were just hoping to get a glimpse of Golden Girl. You’re wasting your time as well. The Golden Age Matadors talk about her a lot, but none of the GAMs have ever actually seen her.” There was the sound of battle from within the bunker: “Ach!”, “Nein!”, “Amerikaner swinehunds!” and so on. The Voyeur made to go and watch but the Hooded Hood moved to block his way. “I require something from you before you depart,” he told the fallen Observer. “I’m missing the good bits!” the Voyeur complained, craning his chubby neck to try and see what was going on . Still the sounds of combat echoed up the tunnel. “Take that, Fritz!” “That’ll pay you back for what you did to New York in Jingo Tales #19, page five, panel three!”, etc. “A nasty little man is getting what he absolutely deserves,” the Hooded Hood narrated to the Voyeur. True, Adolf Hitler might be considered the most evil man on the planet, and could be seen as the greatest tyrant of the twentieth century; but the Hood had absolutely no respect for someone who had gone about his villainy in such crass, boorish ways. “What is dominion and power if not achieved with style?” the man in the grey cloak puzzled. “Aw, come-on!” the Voyeur begged, hopping from one sandal to the other trying to see past the cowled crime-czar. “I want to see if them fry him!” “Then satisfy my lust for knowledge,” the Hood insisted. “When they took your Observership status away from you, you had to hand all the kit back?” “Yeah. Those sons of bitches wouldn’t let me keep the opti-viewer-scope, or the ultimate nullificator, or anything.” “You still have to toga, apparently,” the Hood noted. “Well, yeah, they said no-one would want to use it after I’d had it on without underwear…” “And the lunar base.” “Basic landlord and tenant stuff. I got a contract, you can take it to Lisa, or even some kind of proper lawyer…” The Hooded Hood took a deep breath and asked the all important question: “And the cosmic awareness?” The Voyeur’s eyes shifted from side to side. “Well, I always intended to hand it in, you see, but there was so much paperwork to catch up on, and then Jarvis went and rewrote the entire Parodyverse to get the Legion a new HQ and bring back Parodopolis, and then there was my project about whether Visionary was fake or not, and then…” “Where is it?” the Hooded Hood demanded, drawing himself up to his full height to pose for a looking-up-at-the-archvillain shot. “Where is your cosmic awareness now?” “You can’t have that!” the bald ex-Observer protested. “Major villains become far more dangerous if they get stuff like that. Everyone knows it!” The Hooded Hood extracted some plastic-jacketed videocassettes from his cloak. “I extracted these from a minion of mine. I believe they have a certain rarity value to collections of the… esoteric. They are yours in exchange for the information I desire.” The Voyeur’s eyes went wide. “‘Strap-On Sorority Sisters’, with Meggan Foxxx and Christy Canyon! That’s a classic!” [Note to the BZL board: Kirk (CrazySugarFreakBoy) Boxleitner actually sent me a list of the video appearances of CSFB’s mother for accuracy’s sake – honest!] The Voyeur’s palms began to sweat. The Hood handed him a flap of hide with the full list of forbidden tapes written on it. The hide had recently belonged to Flapjack, the Hood’s hunchbacked assistant, who had made the mistake of using the Hood’s name in a forged letter to acquire these videos. “Well,” the cowled crime-czar asked in a rich and sinister tone, “Do we have a deal?” The Voyeur knew it was wrong. The Voyeur knew he was betraying his sacred oath. The voyeur knew he was dooming mankind. But Meggan Foxxx and Jeanna Fine in “Fist F**cking Siblings (1984)… And the Voyeur told him. There was a strangled Germanic scream from the Bunker. “I hope Zemo has a good pension plan already in place,” the Hooded Hood commented. “Because he’s just become unemployed.” He turned upon the trembling Voyeur. “When I rule all creation in a single, perfect timeline which owns me its supreme lord, remember that it was you that handed me the key to victory.” And the Hooded Hood allowed himself a long, super-villain laugh as he strode back through his Portal of Pretentiousness to search out the prize that would make him master over all. And here is what the readers said about the story: The Hooded Hood and the Golden Age Matadors (The Hooded Hood, who wishes it to be known the he does not have, and never has had, a birthday.) (27-Apr-99 14:32:51) You think you destroyed me? Ha!! You said yourself there was more than one time strand. That was only one Zemo you killed. (n/t) (Baron Zemo) (27-Apr-99 14:54:12) Sorry to confuse you, Zemo old chap. You were definitely not killed here. The inadequate villain fried by the GAMs was old Adolf. You were just made unemployed. Your time to die like a worm is yet to come, so take comfort in clinging to existence for a while longer. Sorry for any confusion. (n/t) (The Hooded Hood, who wishes to assure Zemo that he will be the very very last person to die.) (27-Apr-99 15:39:54) This is great,but I really don't want to think about that list Kurt sent you. (n/t) (Jarvis) (27-Apr-99 16:09:40) Ack! It's "KIRK," not "Kurt." I'm not Nightcrawler! And "Freak" is spelled with an A, not an E, as in "Freek," Ian. Otherwise, a damned fine story. :) (n/t) (CrazySugarFreakBoy!) (27-Apr-99 21:31:09) Well, accuracy is very important, I suppose... ;-) (Visionary) (27-Apr-99 23:10:09) It's official; Lisa has the major hots for the Hooded Hood. The accent was the final straw!!! (n/t) (Lisa, Improper Lawyer) (27-Apr-99 23:55:39) Bonus archive feature: The Deluxe Handbook of the Parodyverse: Update A few updates for the Who’s Who of the Parodyverse: The Hooded Hood Real Name: Well, according to Dr Valium, it’s Ioldabaoth Winkelweald. If you believe a rabbit, that is. Occupation: Archvillain Identity: Nobody even remembers the thirty-nine times to date that the Hood has taken over the planet. That’s the price of fame. One day’s supreme ruler, the next day’s old news. Legal Status: Insane Other Current Aliases: the cowled crime-czar Known Relatives: Well, does a stuffed toy named Pooty in Hell count? Group Affiliation: Employer of minions known as the Purveyors of Peril Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum, Stroker’s Island First Appearance: Pre-retcon All-Sinners Squad #5; modern age BZL board April ‘99 History: Caught at the moment of his supreme triumph over the Lair Legion by the backlash of Baron Zemo’s war with the Byrne, the Hooded Hood’s ability to retcon history was reversed upon himself, carving him from BZL archives and Lair Legion continuity. Recently and unwittingly provided with a way back to the Parodyverse by the unwary Jarvis, the Hooded Hood now plans his greatest, most nefarious, master-plan. Height: Imposingly tall Eyes: Glowing green with an insane lust for power Hair: Concealed by his shadowy grey hood Strength Level: “Strength is a matter of will, not sinew” Known Superhuman Powers: The Hooded Hood can make retrospective continuity changes to mainstream continuity. Side effects of this are the ability to always get the right play of shadows across his face, the knack of timing his statements to synchronise perfectly with the thunder in the background, and the gift of discerning what would have happened if things had just gone differently. The Hood has control of the Portal of Pretentiousness, a strange device which allows his to snatch people from their own continuity lines. He is currently using it to recruit a team of retconned supervillains, the Purveyors of Peril, to face the Lair Legion VelcroVixen Real Name: Vicki Vee Occupation: Fetishwear Mode; Identity: Formerly publicly revealed (in that embarrassing incident with Jarvis, the dissolving costume, and the Tupperware convention); now forgotten due to the retconning of the Hooded Hood. Legal Status: Citizen of the US with a massive retconned-away list of convictions for theft, extortion, animal molestations, and presidential fellatio. Known Relatives: Monica Lewinsky Group Affiliation: Now main hormonal selling point and deputy-leader of the Purveyors of Peril Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum, Stroker’s Island, or a penthouse that doesn’t belong to her somewhere on the West Coast First Appearance: Tales to Admonish #122 History: No way is this stuff gonna get printed on a nice family board like this. Uh-uh! And certainly not all that stuff with the dwarves and the ben-gay lotion. Just make it up for yourselves. Let’s just say she was once Jarv’s favourite villainess, and that now she’s retconned he’s going to be real puzzled about how he got those scars on his inner thigh. Height: Michelle Pfeiffer Weight: Victoria Principal Eyes: Kim Basinger Hair: Jane Seymour Strength Level: She can out-wrestle Jarvis three times out of four. Known Superhuman Powers: None. She’s just real agile, real good with pointy things, real clever at unlocking things, real ruthless at manipulating people, and real stylish in being able to put up sales of magazines when she appears on the cover in bondage. The appalling Appendage Man Real Name: Milton Freebish Occupation: Former rubber appliance manufacturer, now full time psychotic serial killer Identity: Nobody has stayed alive long enough to find out his origin Legal Status: Criminally insane; he ate the judge at his first trial Place of Birth: Hell, Nebraska Marital Status: He’s after your wife. Known Relatives: All eaten Group Affiliation: the Purveyors of Peril. Until he eats them. Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum, Stroker’s Island; specifically the septic tank First Appearance: Fin Fang Foom Special Edition #3 (fold-out foil cover version) History: After a terrible accident with a condom machine and a radioactive isotope, mild-mannered Milton Freebish rampaged across the world as the insane Appendage Man. Foom eventually faced down the villain in an eat-or-be-eaten showdown, as recently recapped in “The Hooded Hood and the Pruveyors of Peril” (about twenty-three clicks down the new, improved BZL board). Appendage Man has now been retconned from all previous appearances and is waiting a new chance to do unspeakable things to his draconic foe. Height: Variable Weight: Variable Eyes: Variable in colour and number Hair: Variable, look, haven’t you got the idea yet that this guy is constantly shifting shapes and growing new and ever more bizarre appendages? Strength Level: Variable Known Superhuman Powers: Able to shift shape and form a range of increasingly obscene limbs and, uh, bits. Foomy really had to watch his back in this fight. Mother Whipcord Occupation: Mother Superior at the Little Sisters of Discipline Orphanage Identity: Publicly known, although not known as anything other than a doer of charitable deeds to needy and helpless orphans Legal Status: On a mission from God Marital Status: Hey, she’s a nun. Work it out. Known Relatives: Her sisters are her only family, bound together, so to speak, by their passion for their mission Group Affiliation: Little Sisters Orphanage, temporarily with the Purveyors of Peril Base of Operations: Little Sisters Orphanage, where one little orphan has strayed from the fold. But not for long… First Appearance: Legal Tales #1 (also first pre-crisis appearance of Lisa) History: In the pre-retcon version of Lisa’s origin, Mother Whiplash was in charge of the convent where Lisa was brought up, and from which she escaped before being finally inducted as a Little Sister. Fortunately for poor, lost Lisa, Mother Whiplash has been rescued from that defunct timeline to come and remind her that there’s no place like home, and to provide the moral discipline that her life has been so lacking for the past few years. Strength Level: Strong enough to teach you a lesson or two, you bed, BAD girl. Known Superhuman Powers: A Voice Which Cannot Be Denied, a Stare Which Can Freeze Blood, and a variety of painful ways of disciplining sinners who have been very naughty. Gromm, The Living Flatulence Occupation: Horrible monster, once trapped beneath the sea in that spurious Atlantis knock-off that Banjooooo rules over. Legal Status: Well, he does actually have the mineral wealth rights to that same spurious knock-off. Other Current Aliases: What the hell is that smell? Was that you? Marital Status: Married to the lovely Aroma Known Relatives: My Uncle Max Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril; formerly a member of the Five Sensory Overloads (along with Audiocassette, Vindaloo, Camay-Girl, and Benneton Jumper) Base of Operations: Wherever the smells are thickest First Appearance: Weird Water Tales #45 History: When Banjooooo set out to find what had died under his throne room he never expected to release the terrible elemental force of smell now known as the Living Flatulence. Alone and as part of the Sensory overloads, Gromm has added his distinctive flavour to the colourful adventures of the King of the Sea Monkeys. In fact, he is the reason that Sea Monkey’s actually have no noses (as a genetically bred race created by the Abhumans to guard the prison of the terrible Living Flatulence). Of course, Banjooooo won’t remember any of this retconned stuff until it’s all too late. Height: Smells with height? Gimme a break! Strength Level: Pretty powerful, somewhere between gorgonzola and a Grateful Dead open air concert public toilet. Known Superhuman Powers: He’s a huge smell. He gasses people. He’s caustic. He makes your eyes burn. Don’t light up cigarettes anywhere nearby if you value your eyebrows. Hämmerblade Real Name: Djon Blyke Occupation: Hairdresser Identity: Secret Legal Status: Wanted for ravaging and pillaging Place of Birth: Bjorkgard Group Affiliation: The Snifleinheim Slayers, the Purveyors of Peril Base of Operations: Curl Up and Dye Hairdressing Salon, New Parody City First Appearance: AMB Message Board April Fool’s Day Hoax History: Rescued by the Hooded Hood from being a one-shot parody on the intermittently reliable Alvarez boards, the nine-foot, red-haired Norse killing machine is looking forward to making Ysgard-burgers out of his never-yet met-enemy Donar. Hair: Long, red, and beautifully braided Strength Level: Megahuman; his breath is even stronger Known Superhuman Powers: Controlling the winds, the tempest, the lightning, everything but his temper really; being very strong and most definitely bulletproof. Using Mjunkir to hit things or stab things, or to hit and stab things. Ambitions: Reaving, pillaging, wenching, ravaging, scarfing, and bringing the permanent wave back into fashion. Oh, and “sticking Mjalcolm so far up Donar’s a** that they’ll have to invent a Mjalcomectomy just to get it out again, forsooth.” Expired Warranty Real Name: the late Z.X. Sinclair Occupation: Former Betamax videotape machine designer Legal Status: Deceased. As dead as 8-track. Other Current Aliases: Spanner Boy Place of Birth: Silicon Valley Marital Status: Hey, he was a techno-nerd. Now he’s a dead techno-nerd? You expect him to have had relationships? Perhaps a brief fling with Virtual Valerie. Known Relatives: No-one’s gonna claim this little wiener Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril Base of Operations: Inside Intel First Appearance: Journey Into Monotony #320 History: Raised as an undead after killing himself when even a desperate blood hungry vampire wouldn’t give him a hickey, Expired Warranty gained the ability to cause any technology to malfunction simply by admiring it. This brought him up against NTU-150 in the classic “If This Be My Toaster…” trilogy (JiM #320-337), but that’s as long-retconned as the death of Phoenix. Height: 5’7” without the unpleasant Kirby headgear Weight: 180 lb weakling. Sand kicked him in the face. Eyes: Watery grey, now with little “working” computer icons reflected in them Hair: Greasy Strength Level: Still pretty feeble, actually Known Superhuman Powers: Basically, he can make stuff go wrong. Since NTU-150 doesn’t exactly need an enemy to make that happen, Expired Warranty was able to make a real nuisance of himself. Fans really loved the storyline where the two of them accidentally exchanged bodies in the middle of a double date. But that was before the retconning. Think of NTU’s joy at being reunited with his lamer opposite number. Indigo Impostor Real Name: Even he’s forgotten Identity: Anyone he decides to be at the moment. Legal Status: Doesn’t exist Other Current Aliases: Well, most recently he was CrazySugarFreakBoy over in the Dark Knight’s latest story Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril Base of Operations: The nicest room in the LAir Fortress First Appearance: Tales to Admonish #102 History: The Indigo Imposter, long-time adversary of the Dark knight, has recently been retconned out of continuity by the Hooded Hood so as to really, really surprise the Dark Knight. “Detect that, suckah”, as the I.I. is looking forward to saying. The two first met in that big factory full of giant playing cards during the Dark Knight’s now forgotten camp era, when he and Knight Boy escaped the Imposter by using their Anti-Imposter Sprays from their Utility Socks. But the Imposter came into his own during the grim and gritty “Insane Justice of the Dark Knight” limited series, where the DK beat the crap out of him eleven times in three issues just for crossing the street against a red light. Height: Same as you Weight: Same as you Eyes: Same as you Hair: Same as you Strength Level: Same as you. Spot a pattern here? Known Superhuman Powers: The Imposter can take on the form and powers of anyone or anything that isn’t coloured yellow. Whilst working with the Hooded Hood he seems to have additionally gained the ability to not be noticed whatever he does. That’s why he can happily live in the LAir Fortress, eat their food, swap around their videotapes, try on Lisa’s underwear, whatever he likes, and nobody’s going to ever suspect him. There are a few other members to the Purveyors as well, but let’s leave some surprises for later, eh? As soon as the new line-up is truly established it will be much easier to assemble a team to annihilate it. Must remember to get someone particularly horrible to deal with CrazySugarFreakBoy. The ancient history department, courtesy of the Hooded Hood |
| The Hooded Hood Chronicles #8: The Hooded Hood and the Golden Age Matadors (The ancient history department, courtesy of the Hooded Hood) (22-Nov-1999 15:36:12) |
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