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Post By The Hooded Hood Fri Feb 25, 2005 at 09:51:56 am EST |
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Doctor Doom and The Hooded Hood: Eight Ways to Conquer the Universe - Part Three | |
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| Doctor Doom and The Hooded Hood: Eight Ways to Conquer the Universe - Part Three Lisa staggered at the energies it took to summons the two superhero groups, dragging them across space to appear before her in the twisting halls of Herringcarp Asylum. She toppled back into Captain America’s arms. “Steady miss, you’re safe now,” the star spangled Avenger assured the amorous advocatrix. “Uh, you can probably let go of my butt also, miss.” “The Hooded Hood!” scowled Nats. “We should have guess who’d be behind all of this!” “Not just Hoody!” CSFB! gasped, almost jumping up and down in excitement. “Doomsie!” “Who?” scowled Hatman. “Doctor Victor von Doom,” Iron Man hissed, his anger penetrating the electronic screen of his voice modulator. “Tyrant of Latvia, would-be world conqueror.” “Mmmm,” purred Lisa dreamily. “Is he not to be knowing that world-conquering is to be being wrong?” Yo demanded. “The destiny of the multiverse is to fall under the guidance of… Doom,” Dr Doom told the assembled heroes. “And it begins now.” “Watch out, boys and girls,” the Wasp called, darting toward the armoured tyrant’s hand. “He’s got the Cosmic Cube!” The crystal block in Doom’s hand pulsed once and the Avengers vanished. “And the Hood’s got that Infinity gGuntlet thing!” Mr Epitome warned, diving at the cowled crime czar. “Indeed,” agreed the Hooded Hood, as the Lair Legion disappeared as well. “Where are we?” demanded Wonder Man, as the Avengers toppled into a darkened chamber. By the light of Iron Man’s chestbeam and Photon’s soft glow they could see ancient stone pillars holding up a heavy vaulted roof. “Tis some deep chill dungeon,” Thor considered. “But I can break through yon stone and forge us passage to the sunlight.” “I’m reading serious anomalies,” the Vision warned, ghosting through a pillar. “Dr Pym…?” Hank had pulled a scanalyser from his tunic and sized it back up to its full magnitude. “Yes. This place is more than it seems. And I don’t think we’re alone.” “The Lair Legion?” the Scarlet Witch ventured. Then Gromm the Living Flatulence exploded around them, bringing down part of the roof. Onslaughter seized up Thor and tried to break him over his knee while Anvil Man piled on Wonder Man and Quake battered Hercules to the ground. Professor Manyarms tried to tear Hawkeye in two. “Oh no,” VelcroVixen crowed as the Purveyors of Peril fell upon Earth’s mightiest heroes. “I rather think it might be the bad people.” “Ouch,” complained Dancer as she landed gracefully on the chill flagstone floor only to have Al B. Harper fall on top of her. “Another one of the Hood’s patent time/space whoozits?” “Yes,” agreed the Manga Shoggoth, splatting wetly down to cover Visionary, the Librarian, and Nats. “We have been shunted into one of the more non-contiguous trans-Euclidean sections of Herringcarp Asylum. “That explains the M.C. Esher meets H.R. Giger décor, I suppose,” the Librarian squelched. “We’re not alone,” De Brown Streak warned, blurring to his feet just before Speed Demon raced into at him. “Hey, watch out for that foot sticking out in your path,” he warned the fast-moving villain, tripping him into a support column. “It’s an attack!” Hatman called out as Goliath reached out and seized up Yo in a crushing grip. “Perimeter defence! Everybody…” Then the capped crusader found himself literally glued to the wall as a familiar-yet-never-before-seen figure emerged from the shadows, flanked by two dozen felons. “Everybody prepare to die!” Baron Heinrich Zemo suggested, resetting his glue gun to Flesh Dissolve. Mr Hyde and the Wrecking Crew lumbered forwards to dogpile Donar. Darkforce bubbled from Blackout to envelop the Shoggoth and Nats. Mr Epitome whirled round to help only to find the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen pressing herself into his arms and kissing him. “Oh save me from the horrible Lair Legion,” the Enchantress smiled at him. Amazing Guy raised his multiversal energy bubble to screen the team from attack, but Klaw’s sonic barrage cut straight through it and hurled the Legion away like jackstraws. “B-class heroes on a B-class world,” scorned Moonstone. “This won’t take long.” “Hmph,” scowled Sir Mumphrey Wilton, glowering as he pulled out his Chronometer of Infinity. “I think we’ve got the time.” “Your stronghold has some interesting features,” admitted Dr Doom as they watched the battles in the dark reflections of the Portal of Pretentiousness. “I imagine the heroes will prevail in the end,” the Hooded Hood suggested. “They generally do.” “We have brought in almost every member of the Masters of Evil and your Purveyors of Peril that ever was to overcome them,” Doom pointed out. “My money’s still on the Lair Legion,” the cowled crime czar replied. Victor von Doom looked closely at his ally. “You have some affection for these irritating nuisances?” “They’re a hobby. And I need them for later. I wouldn’t want to break too many of them. Don’t you manipulate the heroes of your planet into accomplishing your goals for you?” “A very few of them are worthy to play roles in the unfolding genius of Doom’s masterplan,” the metal-shod villain disdained. “Some have intellects that can occasionally grasp the barest framework of my thoughts. Stark. T’Challa. Stephen Strange.” His reddened eyes narrowed. “Richards.” He turned away and clenched his fist. “But Doom does not coddle these feckless fools as you would. All must be destroyed, ere the day of Doom comes to pass.” “Well now you’ve ensured that these six power objects can never again be used against you in your plans for domination,” the Hooded Hood pointed out, indicating the half dozen trinkets floating in the centre of the throneroom. “Your victory is complete, so there’s no need to eliminate the heroes today. Who would we gloat over?” “And we agreed to a truce as allies until we had accomplished our goals,” Dr Doom noted, just before he triggered the anti-retcon field he had devised and downed the Hood with a gauntlet blast. “But now our goals are met… and Doom must rule all alone!” And he reached forward and claimed the Cosmic Cube, the Evil Eye, the Infinity Gauntlet, the Wand of Watoomb, the Ultimate Nullifier, and the Casket of Ancient Winters as his own. “Avengers Assemble!” shouted Cap as he shattered VelcroVixen’s weapon with a hard-flung shield. “Vision take down the woman with all the guns. Pietro deal with those dog-guys. Photon, Wasp, lay us down some cover. Moondragon, link me to the others!” “Okay, I’m willing to reassess the total lameness of all Parodyverse villains,” Hawkeye admitted as he took down Rottweiler and the Terrier with an electroshock arrow and dodged Anvil Man and Rox-Hoff. “Slightly.” “Is that really a naked green tatooed chick trying to strangle Shulkie with her thighs?” Spider-Man checked. “Can you hold on while I set up my camera?” “I’ve contained Razor Ballerina for now,” Quasar reported, “but somehow the psionic spikes she’s throwing off can shear through my quantum force structures. Ow!” “Can anybody do anything about this crazy architecture?” complained the Black Knight. “It’s hard enough trying to avoid this ravening Sabretooth-wannabe without having to jump from gallery to gallery whose gravity’s a right angles.” The battle was becoming furious and brutal. Pym particles reduced Gromm the Living Flatulence to a containable size. The Vision hurled Appendage Man off Tigra to bring down Headcase and Expired Warranty. The Scarlet Witch faced off against Voodoo Vicar while Firebird’s holy flame seared into Hellfrasier. Spider-Man and PsychoAcidPervGirl! were tangled in some kind of bizarre wrestling and tickling match. Dr Loveray was fleeing from an aroused Starfox. Suicide Blonde gestured negligently and transmuted the air around the heroes to solid steel. She was surprised when it transmuted back again. “Transmutation?” Sersi of the Eternals asked, gliding into the air to hover over the powerful villainess. “Is that all you’ve got? Oh dear!” But Onslaughter hurled aside Thor, and casually slammed She-Hulk and Hercules awau. “I could destroy every one of you alone!” the alien bioengineered killing machine boasted, psionically projecting terror into the minds of his enemies. “Every one of you!” The terrified-looking weedy little man in the tattered purple trousers found his heart racing with horror. And that triggered certain changes in his gamma-radiation soaked body. “Puny stone-man thinks he is tough…” the mousy man growled, as his flesh swelled and muscles and turned greener. “Tougher than Banner… but Hulk will smash!” Onslaughter didn’t even try to dodge the blow, showing his contempt. The incredible Hulk slammed him through the six-foot thick wall of Herringcarp Asylum and leaped after him into the vaults below. “Not bad, freak,” Onslaughter admitted, rising and directing his full power at the green giant. “But I’ve felt your punches, and I can do better.” The Hulk began to become angry; and the angrier the Hulk gets the stronger he gets. “Puny stone-man thinks he is strong… but Hulk is the strongest one there is!” “But I kill more heroes,” Quake boasted. The slaughterer from the future moved in to squash the stunned Avengers on the ground. The man with the shield in the flag costume stepped in to stop him. “Buster, I’ve taken on more super-strong bullies than I care to remember. You want these men and women, you have to go through me!” “Don’t bother, Cap,” the Wasp called from Quake’s inner ear. “I can take him.” She released a full-power bio-sting that could crush a tank, and flew clear as the multi-powered villain toppled. “Next?” Anvil Man, Partycrasher, and Thunderstroke atop Hercules were suddenly hoisted up in the demigod’s arms. “Ho… tis time to give thee… the Gift!” The bloody prince of power was laughing with the joy of battle as he hurled them through half a dozen support columns. “Er…” warned Iron Man just before the roof came down. Sir Mumphrey Wilton’s brief timestop ended and the Lair Legion was ready. Amazing Guy and Nats went first, scattering the opposition with multiversal energy bubbles and telekinetic impacts. Then the great rolling wave of Shoggoth buried Supercharger, Tiger Shark, and the Beetle in unearthly goo. Then the first wave of heroes came in close and personal. “I dibs the guy dressed up as a White Gorilla!” CrazySugarFreakBoy! called. “Ooh, no, I want the one in the funky Bison costume!” “Yo is thinking is not nice to be wearing of animal furs!” “Ho, thou Wrecking Crew, bring thine countenances hence that I mightst smitheth them for the nonce!” “No honestly, Egghead, what you need is a good book. Let me download my ethics section directly into your brain.” “Hold still you bouncing fluorescent clown! How can I turn you to stone if you won’t pose properly? That is not a decent pose!” “Of course you can’t make my armour malfunction, Fixer. It’s in a constant state of dynamic malfunction. That’s how it works!” “I am Blackwing, you worst nightma… No, I am not an evil Dark Knight wannabee…” “Okay Dominic, how long do I need to keep kissing you before you snap out of that Enthrallress-wannabe’s spell and I can get back to some Probability Dancing?” “I kind of think I might be spelled as well, sweetheart. Just let me pin this Flying Tiger ta the wall and you kin snap ol’ Br’er Tricky out of it as well.” “See how you do suffocated in Quicksand, Mr Goo! What do you mean you don’t breathe?” “My, you’re a big one aren’t you? What’s a poor simple lawyer-gal like me going to do to keep a big bad Executioner out of the battle?” “You realise that melting ray of yours is based on a simple protonic deceleration that can be catastrophically disrupted by a standing positron field like… oh, never mind.” “Where’s your super-strong women for Titiania to conquer? Come on! Every liberated team has to have some super-strong women on it these days!” “Hey, Joystick hi. I’m Josh, and I was wondering if you were doing anything after the epic supervillain battle?” “Hats? I’ve got adamanium whips and he’s got a cyborg’s steel scorpion-tail and you’re coming against us in a Dynamos cap?” “Hey, Slyde might not be the most powerful of the Masters of Evil, but I like to think I’m the coolest. And sure, I like bunnies, why?” “Wait… you’re saying you want to outsmart me by delving into my tormented psyche and manipulating me with your psychological wiles? Are you sure it’s me you wanting to delve? And by the way, I’m real dammit!” “Zemo, you Nazi butcher, stop hidin’ behind your thugs and come over here for a damned good thrashing, you arrant bounder!” “Watch out for the woman in the teleportation cloak. And that metal guy who’s grabbing for Mjalcolm!” The Absorbing Man brushed his hand against Donar’s enchanted baseball-bat-with-a-nail-in-it and laughed. Then he took down AG, Hatman, and NTU-150 in one fell swoop. Whilwind and Cyclone ganged up on De Brown Streak. Darkforce energies gushed over the combatants, chilling the heroes to the soul. Sunstroke cut loose to temporarily blind Nats, making telekinetics impossible. Goliath stamped down on Mr Epitome while Moonstone predicted Dancer’s movements and caught her with an energy blast. Then the roof caved in and the Avengers and the Purveyors of Peril fell onto the battlefield. “Doom… rules… supreme!” The tyrant of Latveria hovered like a god over the narrative strands of the Parodyverse, coruscating with power. From this vantage point he could do anything, could conquer the pathetic cluster of realities below him then use it as a base to rule all realities everywhere. “Except that you’re not allowed to do that,” said the Shaper of Worlds, shimmering in beside him, completing his thought for him. “There are rules.” “Doom is supreme! The only rules that matter are those that Doom imposes!” “How many times have you had supreme power and then blown it now?” wondered the Chronicler of Stories, appearing from the shadows to join his fellow cosmic office holder. “We are the guardians of the Parodyverse, and our role is precisely to stop things like this from affecting the course of the narrative.” “I hold six of the greatest power sources in the multiverse,” Doom pointed out. “I have tested your might and found it wanting, guardians!” “When we act to enforce our duties,” added the Destroyer of Tales, Dark Thugos himself, joining the others to complete the Triumverate, “When we act in unison, there is no upper limit to our power.” Dr Doom flexed the Infinity Gauntlet that grasped the Cosmic Cube. “Away!” he commanded them, willing them to oblivion. The Triumverate staggered but held. “The circumstances warrant interdiction,” the Shaper noted, in a voice far removed from humanity. “I concur,” agreed the Chronicler in a tone more ancient than creation. “Let the gateway be opened.” “Yes,” rumbled Dark Thugos, his eyes glowing vengefully. “Let them through!” And for a brief moment, the Triumverate were more than they usually were, collective conduit to a force that dwarfed their own massive abilities. There was a pop. Everybody’s ears popped, across the Parodyverse. The power objects vanished. “What?” Doom demanded. “How…?” “The Creators of the Parodyverse have willed that these items should no longer be used in their realms,” reported the Shaper. “The Creators have scattered them again, as if you had never come,” the Chronicler replied. “As the objects are discovered they will be returned to their planes of origin,” concluded the Destroyer, “and there we now exile you too.” “Exile? I am Doom! Doom!” And then the archvillain was gone. The battle abruptly ended when the villains all vanished. The powers that had ripped them through time and space to confront the heroes were now neutralised. “Did we… did we just win?” Visionary asked uncertainly. “Indeed,” agreed the Hooded Hood, looming out to scare the hell out of the possibly-fake man. “Congratulations.” “And we shouldn’t rip your head off because…?” Captain America snarled at the Hooded Hood. “Because that would be a violation of the code of ethics that distinguishes you from mere metahuman thugs, and would deny me the opportunity to someday perhaps amend my life and use my considerable talents in pursuit of live and liberty,” the cowled crime czar replied. “I’m still for it,” Hawkeye voted. “At least a light pummelling.” “Trust me on this,” Dancer told the archer, “It’s not going to happen.” “What did you do this time, Winkelweald?” demanded Sir Mumphrey Wilton bluntly, also clearly a supported of the pummelling option. “I arranged for a number of power objects from your allies’ world to find their way here for a time,” the master of Herringcarp admitted. As he led the two hero teams through his cloisters the fabric of the building was repairing itself behind him. “Dr Doom wanted to ensure that these items could never be used against him again in his home world, and he has achieved that. He also wished to betray me and take absolute power with them in the Parodyverse.” “And you let him,” Lisa surmised. “How else could I ensure that the Triumverate unleashed the force necessary to neutralise these objects so they could never threaten my plans?” the Hood asked. “Or tempt our brave guardians into summoning the power of those forces that created the Parodyverse, thus giving me an inkling into how I might also reach them and destroy them as they deserve?” “Yay!” CSFB! enthused. “Obscure, Byzantine, and winning either way. It’s a HH plan!” “No manipulation of such great forces can be accomplished without unguessed side-effects,” warned Moondragon. “I am confident that you bold protectors of all that is good will be able to deal with them,” the cowled crime czar smirked. “And you think we’re just going to let you walk away after what you’ve done, mister?” Iron Man demanded. “No,” the Hooded Hood replied. “I think I’m going to send you back to the Lair Mansion now to search for the scattered items that have been redistributed across the Parodyverse; and I think you’ll recall none of this ever happened.” “Aw no…” Trickshot complained. “That is so classy,” Lisa squirmed. “You bounder! You manipulative cad!” “You can’t do this…” the Wasp complained. And then the heroes too were gone. The Hooded Hood sauntered away through his darkened asylum humming a little bit of Mahler. Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2005 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2005 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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