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Post By A response from... the Hooded Hood Mon Mar 05, 2007 at 05:03:04 pm EST |
Subject Super-Villain Team Up Special: Baby Elephant and… the Hooded Hood! Originally Calling all Critters! |
In Reply To Visionary (on behalf of Lisa) Sun Mar 04, 2007 at 10:23:15 am EST |
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| Super-Villain Team Up Special: Baby Elephant and… the Hooded Hood! “A cookie?” asked Baby Elephant, passing across a plate of home-made biscuits. “They’ve got chocolate chips in them. And raisins.” “I think not,” replied the Hooded Hood. “They’re yummy. I made them myself.” “Indeed,” agreed the cowled crime czar. “However, I am not on Skull Island here to indulge in recreational pleasantries. Let us proceed to business.” Baby Elephant, self-proclaimed Queen of the Universe, lifted up her saggy wrinkled trunk. “You want me to join your Perverts of Peril, Hoodsy Hoodie?” “Purveyors,” the archvillain replied. “Purveyors of Peril. And I am the Hooded Hood. Would you like me to write it down for you?” “Ooh, you’re a touchy villain, aren’t you? I thought those neighbourhood dragons were grumpy but you make them look positively sparkly.” “Noted,” agreed the Hood. “Anyhow, I am here because Dr Moo, an erstwhile business associate of mine, suggested that you might have the local knowledge I require for my immediate purposes.” “Dr Moo is an earwig associated?” Baby Elephant asked. “Erstwhile,” repeated the cowled crime czar. “It means… never mind. I’m only visiting Death Island for a short time; too brief a period to rectify your vocabulary.” Baby Elephant shuddered. She didn’t fancy being rectified, whatever that was. It sounded personal and painful. She’d heard stories about prison. “If you’re only guest-starring,” she suggested after a moment’s pause for what passes as thought for a plush-stuffed crime pachyderm, “does that mean we can’t team up and crush the Meteor Team once and for all? And Dorilla? We should be able to get a little crushing in, right? And maybe some mangling?” “I’m certainly considering some crushing and mangling,” agreed the cowled crime czar with his usual precise wording. Baby Elephant jumped up and down. “Ooh, goodie. Although if you don’t mind me saying so, Hoodsy, er Hood, you don’t strike me as being completely up to date on what an archvillain should be like.” The Hood’s green eyes narrowed. “Indeed?” “Sure,” Baby Elephant explained. “I mean, where’s the gimmick? I’ve got the chocolate, and the dung beetles, and the cute-and-endearing personality that makes the whole universe love me and want me as its supreme ruler. All you’ve got it that cod-Latvian accent. And the beard.” She looked her guest-villain up and down. “Have you ever considered maybe an eye-patch? Or a wooden leg?” “I suspect you’re confusing archvillains with pirate captains,” the Hooded Hood suggested. “Actually, I suspect you’re just confusing.” “Or maybe a bionic arm?” Baby Elephant suggested. “That would be scary. Or wheels. That way you could skate after your enemies. The Wheely Hood.” “No,” replied the cowled crime czar firmly. “I think it’s best that we each stick to our own brand of villainy, me through subtle and complex plots designed to crush all the multiverse into subservience and challenge the gods and you through your… special cookies. We should all stick to what we know. In your case possibly literally.” “So how are we going to crush the Meteor Guys then?” the queen of the universe demanded. “And do we squish them first or stomp them?” “Actually, my first objective is to recover an item of mine that is buried here, somewhere on Death Island, in the Lisaverse.” Baby Elephant blinked. “Lisa? She doesn’t have a verse. She doesn’t even have a single line. This is the Baby Elephantverse. I have the paperwork.” She thought a bit more. “It might possibly be the Christopherverse,” she admitted. “But as soon as we get married it’ll all belong to me anyhow.” “Fortunately,” the Hooded Hood went on, “I have ensured that the Meteor Team and the friendly dragons have become aware that you are searching for the missing item. That means they are searching for it too, and will save us the bother of locating it at the bottom of the Stinky Doom Swamp. Why go to the trouble of battling the Sucker Leeches when the heroes can do it for us?” “Ooh, Sucker Leeches,” winced Baby Elephant. “Nasty. Especially in egg-laying season.” “Simultaneously, Dorilla will be learning the location of your new secret hideout here in the Caves of Echoey Doom,” the Hood continued. “Really we should get Dorilla to do that at the same time,” Baby Elephant advised, since simultaneously had far too many letters to fit into a stuffed brain. “And then we can… hey, wait a minute! If Dorilla finds where we are he’ll come and stomp us!” “He is likely to summon his allies first,” the Hood suggested. Baby Elephant looked around, her ears flapping in panic. “But that means we’ll get stomped lots of times!” she squeaked. “Maybe pummelled and trampled too. And nobbled.” “But while that is happening,” pointed out the Hood, “my retrieved Portal of Pretentiousness will be unguarded, allowing me to recover it and escape back to rejoin the other fragments of myself scattered across the multiverse.” That much plot exposition was just too much for Baby Elephant. “We need to get weapons!” she called. “Big guns. It’s not too late for you to reconsider that cyborg arm you know. It could have a gun inside it.” She looked round quickly. “I think I had a kitchen knife somewhere round here that could saw your limb off. Or at least a spoon.” The ground above the Cave of Echoey Doom shook as if a bunch of irritated Sucker Leeched superheroes had just arrived. “I think this masterplan might be going a little bit wrong,” Baby Elephant admitted. “We’re in a lot of trouble! What shall we do, Hood? Hood?” The Hooded Hood didn’t reply. He wasn’t in a lot of trouble because he wasn’t there. He was retrieving his magic mirror, the Portal of Pretentiousness, and using it to exit the Lisaverse. He took some cookies with him though, in case the Lair Legion was hungry. Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2007 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2007 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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