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Post By The Hooded Hood's attempt at the publication discussed below Thu May 12, 2005 at 02:14:58 pm EDT |
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LAIR LEGION, the Comic | |
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| LAIR LEGION, the Comic #1 – 23 Pages First draft PAGE ONE Nine panel grid, each showing the top half of one of our glorious heroes. PANEL ONE: Nats, smirking slightly disbelievingly CAPTION 1, NATS: A comic book? CAPTION 2, NATS: They want to put the LAIR LEGION in a COMIC book? CAPTION 3, overwritten at bottom of panel: NATS, the flying phenomenon! PANEL TWO: Hatman, unsure CAPTION 4, HATMAN: I suppose it’s an HONOUR. But why us? CAPTION 5, overwritten at bottom of panel: HATMAN, the capped crusader! PANEL THREE: CrazySugarFreakBoy, grinning all over his face and hanging from the roof (so he’s upside down) CAPTION 6, CSFB!: Because we’re the world’s GREATEST superheroes! We DESERVE a comic book! CAPTION 7, CSFB!, small type: Well, greatest except for Spidey and Superman of course… CAPTION 8, CSFB: But the greatest in THIS world for sure! CAPTION 9, overwritten at bottom of panel: CRAZYSUGARFREAKBOY!, the wired wonder! PANEL FOUR: Yo, smiling up to the panel where CSFB! is CAPTION 10: YO: Yo is hoping will be NICE story with pictures for colouring. CAPTION 11, YO: And maybe is to be puzzle pages? CAPTION 12, overwritten at bottom of panel: YO, pure genderless thought being PANEL FIVE: Manga Shoggoth, in his invisible man getup CAPTION 13: SHOGGOTH (note always spooky lettering): And anime? CAPTION 14, SHOGGOTH: This publication had better be ILLUSTRATED in ANIME. CAPTION 15, overwritten at bottom of panel: The MANGA SHOGGOTH, loathsome elder blasphemy! PANEL SIX: Dancer, twinkling CAPTION 16, DANCER: C’mon guys, it’s for CHARITY. CAPTION 17, DANCER: Do it for the ORPHANS and stuff. CAPTION 18, overwritten at bottom of panel: The dazzling PROBABILITY DANCER! PANEL SEVEN: Lisa, glancing wickedly at panel eight CAPTION 19, LISA: Besides, it’s not like we have to INCLUDE EVERYBODY in the comic version. CAPTION 20, LISA: It’s not like anyone WANTS to license VISIONARY anyway. CAPTION 21, overwritten at bottom of panel: LISA WALTZ, the amorous advocatrix! PANEL EIGHT: Visionary, objecting to Lisa’s comment and spilling his coffee CAPTION 22, VISIONARY: Hey! I’m RIGHT HERE! CAPTION 23, LISA, overlapped from panel 7: Yep. It’s a MYSTERY to me. CAPTION 24, overwritten at bottom of panel: The possibly-fake VISIONARY! PANEL NINE: Sir Mumphrey Wilton, watching jovially CAPTION 25, MUMPHREY: Jolly good, that’s SETTLED then. CAPTION 26, MUMPHREY: A Lair Legion COMIC BOOK it IS, then. CAPTION 27, overwritten at bottom of panel: Sir MUMPHREY WILTON, Keeper of the Chronometer of Infinity and team leader PAGE TWO Three letterbox panels the full width of the page PANEL ONE Our heroes discuss things in their meeting room at the Lair mansion. Prominent from left to right are Hatman, CSFB!, and Dancer. CAPTION 1, HATMAN: I’m still not SURE about this. It seems like a waste of TIME when we have so many INVESTIGATIONS ongoing. CAPTION 2, CSFB!: Are you KIDDING! This is the BEST THING EVER! CAPTION 3, CSFB!: Murdered PSYCHICS and ALIEN SAUCERS over some old PAPER MILL can WAIT until after we’re COMIC BOOK STARS! CAPTION 4, DANCER: I wonder if I have TIME to get my HAIR done before I get PUBLISHED? PANEL TWO More discussion. Prominent from left-to right are Mumphrey, Visionary, Nats, and Lisa. CAPTION 5, MUMPHREY: Don’t worry about the CASELOAD, Hatman old chap. CAPTION 6, MUMPHREY: Miss Waltz and I will FOLLOW UP the INVESTIGATIONS while you LIAISE with those comic book CHAPPIES. CAPTION 7, VISIONARY: Why do WE have to LIAISE while Lisa doesn’t? CAPTION 8, VISIONARY: This is JUST when we actually NEED an EVIL LAWYER CAPTION 9, VISIONARY: And LIAISON is her LIFE! CAPTION 10, NATS: Isn’t EVIL LAWYER a redundancy? CAPTION 11, LISA: Maybe I SHOULD go with them, Mumph… CAPTION 12, LISA: I do have a few CONTENT ideas that should HELP SALES no end. PANEL THREE And more discussion still. Prominent from left to right are Yo, the Shoggoth, and Mumphrey. In the background Lisa is glaring at Nats. CAPTION 13, YO: Yo is thinking is to be best if CUTE but RAPACIOUS Lisa is to be investigating with Mumphrey. CAPTION 14, YO: Yo is to be thinking of the YOUTH of the WORLD. CAPTION 15, SHOGGOTH: I will be INTERESTED to see how HUMANS create COMIC BOOKS. CAPTION 16, SHOGGOTH: CrazySugarFreakBoy! often mentions which ORIFICE many current comics have appeared from. CAPTION 17, MUMPHREY: Splendid. Then let’s get to WORK, you fellows. CAPTION 18, MUMPHREY: Can’t he HANGING ABOUT chatting all day, don’t y’know. PAGE THREE Splash page, a one panel shot of the Lair Legion leaping into action. PANEL ONE: CAPTION 1, NATS, shouts: Lair Legion, LINE UP! CAPTION 2, LISA: Is there ANY WAY we can stop him SHOUTING that? CAPTION 3, HATMAN: I did suggest we get him NEUTERED. CAPTION 4, CSFB!: You know, if we were IN a COMIC, this would be a FULL PAGE ACTION SHOT! TITLE and CREDITS; TITLE: PULPED! PAGE FOUR Five irregular panels, emphasising panels one and five. PANEL ONE The same image as on page three, except now it’s reflected in a large, ornate mirror with gothic gilted carvings. We’re looking at the Portal of Pretentiousness, scrying tool of the villainous Hooded Hood CAPTION 1, FLAPJACK, from off-panel: Y’know, watching HEROES is a TOTAL WASTE of a device that can SEE ANYWHERE. PANEL TWO We see Flapjack fondling the surface of the Portal, leering at Dancer and Lisa leaping into action CAPTION 2, FLAPJACK: I mean we could be CHECKING out LOCKER ROOMS, strip joints… Marilou Henner’s BEDROOM… CAPTION 3, FLAPJACK: And here you go WASTING it on… PANEL THREE The Hooded Hood’s hand comes into view, admonishing Flapjack CAPTION 4, the HOODED HOOD: NO observation of one’s enemies is EVER wasted, Flapjack. CAPTION 5, the HOOD: And in THIS CASE it is IMPORTANT that I DETERMINE whether these particular HEROES are SUITABLE for my PLOTS. PANEL FOUR Flapjack looks into the mirror where Yo is hugging his/her rabbit goodbye and Dancer is dragging Visionary after the others and away from his cruller. CAPTION 6, FLAPJACK: THESE guys? CAPTION 7, FLAPJACK: You DELETE whole TEAMS of superheroes from EXISTENCE with your RET-CONNING ABILITIES and you want to KEEP these BOZOS? CAPTION 8, the HOOD, off panel: That remains to be SEEN… CAPTION 9, the HOOD, off panel: But if they SURVIVE their TEST then they may become suitable ENEMIES for… PANEL FIVE Our first proper look at the archvillain of the piece, the big reveal CAPTION 10, the HOOD: The HOODED HOOD! PAGE FIVE Five panels, of which the first is the largest. Arrange all pages in pairs from now on. PANEL ONE Hatman, CSFB!, Yo, Dancer, the Shoggoth, and Vizh stand outside a high modern skyscraper. Nats flies above them. A sign proclaims it to be AVISCORP. CAPTION 1, YO: Yo is thinking this it to being the PLACE. CAPTION 2, NATS: Is this tower BIG enough? What’s this guy COMPENSATING for? PANEL TWO The Legion move into the exclusive foyer. Hatman and Dancer are prominent. CAPTION 3, HATMAN: This doesn’t need ALL of us. I could have been FIGHTING CRIME. CAPTION 4, DANCER: Relax, cap-guy. CAPTION 5, DANCER: They just want to MEET us so the WRITER can get a HANDLE on our PERSONALITIES and POWERS. PANEL THREE Visionary is looking worried. CAPTION 6, VIZH: Powers? CAPTION 7, VIZH: We’re supposed to have POWERS now? CAPTION 8, VIZH, small: I have enough trouble having a PERSONALITY. PANEL FOUR Vizh is still worried, trailing behind the others who are talking to the receptionist and staring at the publicity posters for Roni Y Avis on the walls. The Shoggoth is also prominent. CAPTION 9, VIZH: And am I the ONLY ONE worried that Roni Y Avis’ main CLAIM to FAME is that he says he invented INTERNET SPAM? CAPTION 10, SHOGGOTH: It is GOOD that your civilisation has now DEDICATED itself to the ELIMINATION of ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION. PANEL FIVE: The receptionist consults her desk diary CAPTION 11, RECEPTIONIST: Oh, you’re Mr Avis’ 2.30 SUPERHEROES? CAPTION 12, RECEPTIONIST: Take a seat, he’ll be RIGHT DOWN. CAPTION 13, AVIS, off-panel: Darlings! SWEETHEARTS! CAPTION 14, AVIS, off-panel, emphasised: BUBALAHS! CAPTION 15, RECEPTIONIST: Never mind. Here is is NOW. PAGE SIX Six panels PANEL ONE We get our first look at Roni Y Avis, agent to the stars, a shortish ferret-like man in a sharp garish business suit, with a pirate-hook for a left hand. He reeks of sleaze and false bonhomie as he comes to greet the Legion. CAPTION 1, AVIS: Dreamboats, you can’t BELIEVE how happy I am to be meeting the LAIR LEAGUE. CAPTION 2, HATMAN: Legion. We’re the Lair LEGION. CAPTION 3, AVIS: Whatever. CAPTION 4, NATS: Can we go now? PANEL TWO Avis leads the Legion into his office. Posters on the wall show his past glories, such as the Exploding Baby-a-thon, the Sponsored Seal Cull etc. Avis, Dancer, and Vizh need to be prominent. CAPTION 5:, AVIS: Come in, come in. This COMIC BOOK DEAL has got us all very JUICED here at AVISCORP. CAPTION 6, AVIS: It’s going to be huge. We’ll all be MILLIONAIRES CAPTION 7, DANCER: Except that the PROFITS all got to CHARITY, right? CAPTION 8, AVIS: Trust me, sugarcakes. CAPTION 9, VISIONARY: It does SAY in his BROCHURE that he’s never been SUCCESSFULLY CONVICTED of FRAUD so far. PANEL THREE CrazySugarFreakBoy! is excited to be in a comic. He’s bouncing around, wanting details. Yo is smiling on him. CAPTION 10, CSFB!, with print getting smaller till it spills into panel four then runs off the page: Never mind all that! Tell us about the comic book! Who’s going to be the creative TEAM? Do we get an INPUT in the plot direction? Do I get to be an ACTION FIGURE? Can we get GeorgePerezorCarlosPachechoorKurtBusiekor GrantMorrisonorStanLeeorSteveEnglehartorFrankChoor… CAPTION 11, YO: Is good to see that ONE PERSON is being to be HAPPY about cute COMICKING-BOOK! PANEL FOUR Nats has a sensible question. Avis indicates to the comic-book writer who’s off panel until panel five. Hatman and CSFB! are also in panel. CAPTION 12, NATS: Actually, CSFB! has a POINT? Who IS the WRITER for our book? CAPTION 13, NATS: We don’t want ANY old HACK. CAPTION 14, AVIS: I’m GLAD you asked that question. CAPTION 15, AVIS: I have a HOT NEW WRITER just about to BREAK ONTO the comics SCENE… CAPTION 16, HATMAN: You mean someone who’ll WORK CHEAP because they’ve NEVER done this before? CAPTION 17, AVIS: May I introduce the writer of fan-favourite “GROOVY GECKO-GAL”, Ms Alice April Apple? PANEL FIVE We see over the shoulder of the red-headed comics writer as CSFB! reacts to her presence. Think tongue hanging out and hearts in his eyes. CAPTION 18, CSFB!, emphatic: ALICE APRIL APPLE! CAPTION 19, CSFB!: I have ALL THREE ISSUES of your FANTASTIC Gecko-Gal series! PANEL SIX We finally see pretty plump redheaded Alice Apple, in a shot not unlike that where Mary Jane Watson first appears to Peter Parker in Amazing Spider-Man. CAPTION 20, ALICE: So you were the reader, were you? CAPTION 21, ALICE: Anyway, I’m really LOOKING FORWARD to producing your Lair Legion comic. CAPTION 22, ALICE: Face it tiger, you just hit the JACKPOT! PAGE SEVEN Five panels, of which the first is the largest. PANEL ONE We look down on Sir Mumphrey Wilton and Lisa Waltz as they examine the scene of a crime, a show-biz dressing room that’s wrecked by signs of a struggle. There’s a chalk outline on the floor and police tape across the doorway. CAPTION 1, TEXT BOX: Meanwhile… CAPTION 2, LISA: Tell me AGAIN why I’m HERE looking at CRIME SCENES when I could be TORMENTING people over that the COMIC-BOOK company? CAPTION 3, MUMPHREY: Humanitarian reasons. CAPTION 4, MUMPHREY: And also, Miss Waltz, between us you and I are PERFECTLY suited to solving the MURDER of TV psychic MARVELLOUS MARV. PANEL TWO Lisa looks with distaste at the bloodstains on the floor. There’s a poster behind her showing whose dressing room this is: “Marvellous Marv, Psychic to the Stars” CAPTION 5, LISA: Because every crusty old English DETECTIVE needs a super-sexy LAWYER-BABE sidekick to add some PIZAZZ to the INVESTIGATION? PANEL THREE Mumphrey gets out his temporal pocketwatch, which he keeps on a chain in his waistcoat. CAPTION 6, MUMPHREY: Because only YOU of the whole Legion are aware that I’m the secret KEEPER of the CHRONOMETER of INFINITY, the device that keeps TRACK of time REMAINING before the END of the UNIVERSE. CAPTION 7, MUMPHREY: And ONE of the functions of the POCKETWATCH is to REPLAY IMAGES of recent EVENTS… such as this MURDER. PANEL FOUR Mumphrey fiddles with his Chronometer. Lisa stands too close and bends over to watch. CAPTION 8, LISA: I don’t suppose you could OFFER a HINT about HOW LONG the Universe has LEFT, could you? CAPTION 9, LISA: Please? CAPTION 10, LISA: It would help a LOT with CREDIT CARD payments if I could plan total multiversal destruction ACCURATELY. CAPTION 11, MUMPHREY: ‘Fraid not, m’dear… PANEL FIVE The Chronometer shows a ghostly image of turbaned mystic and psychic TV personality Marvellous Marv sitting at his make-up table CAPTION 12, MUMPHREY: However, here’s our murdered chappie as he was just before the DIRE DEED. CAPTION 13, LISA: I’ve seen his TV show, Marvellous Marv’s Psychic Selection. I can UNDERSTAND why someone would want to KILL him after WATCHING it. PAGE EIGHT Six panels PANEL ONE Mumphrey and Lisa watch as the temporal image of the assassin enters the room, creeps up on Marv, and garrottes him. Show this as a series of overlapping figures, like time-lapse photography. The assassin is Razorbarb, a skinhead punk with the ability to generate monofilament fibres that can cut through anything. CAPTION 1, MUMPHREY: There’s our CHAPPIE! He came into the room about FOURTEEN HOURS ago and CREPT up on Marvellous Marv as he was checkin’ his MAKE-UP CAPTION 2, LISA: Can I just say that this is a very SPOOKY power your watch has? CAPTION 3, LISA: Not as spooky as the SHOGGOTH eating TACOS, of course, but… PANEL TWO We watch as Razorbarb spins his strands around Marv’s head at neck and forehead. Mumphrey and Lisa are in the background. CAPTION 4, MUMPHREY: Any idea who this BOUNDER is, Miss Waltz? CAPTION 5, LISA: I haven’t dated EVERY supervillain on the planet, you know… CAPTION 6, LISA: Okay, he’s called Razorbarb and he makes monofilament fibres that can CUT through ANYTHING PANEL THREE We focus on Mumph and Lisa’s faces as something gory and horrible is re-enacted in front of them. We might see the temporal image of blood spattering CAPTION 7, LISA: Like that. Eew. CAPTION 8, MUMPHREY: The POLICE REPORT did say poor Marv’s BRAIN was missing. CAPTION 9, MUMPHREY: Noted it at the time, since the fellah’s TV SHOW gave NO INDICATION he’d ever HAD one. PANEL FOUR The images fade as Mumphrey stop his pocketwatch’s recreation. CAPTION 10, LISA: Okay, so we know some guy in PYJAMAS stole Marvellous Marv’s BRAIN. CAPTION 11, LISA: That’s some celebrity souvenir hunter. CAPTION 12, LISA: What next? PANEL FIVE Mumphrey indicates that it’s Lisa’s turn. CAPTION 13, MUMPHREY: Well, now you know WHO you’re SUMMONSING, you could use that GIFT you get as WARDEN of the BOOKE of the LAW to instantly TELEPORT the BLAGGARD to you to answer questions, what? CAPTION 14, LISA: I GUESS so. CAPTION 15, LISA: It’s just that generally I PREFER to use my summonsing power RECREATIONALLY. PANEL SIX Lisa uses her power. There might be some kind of visual effect around her as she drags her subject through the time-space vortex. CAPTION 16, LISA: But if you INSIST… CAPTION 17, LISA, emphatic: I SUMMONS RAZORBARB!! PAGE NINE: Six panels PANEL ONE We’re back in Avis’ office where Alice Apple and Roni Y Avis talk with the rest of the LL. Actually, Avis is doing the talking and April and CSFB! are staring dreamily at each other in the background. CAPTION 1, TEXT BOX: And… CAPTION 2, AVIS: It might HELP us to grasp the MARKETING CONCEPTS if you could SAY a little a bit about your POWERS and BACKGROUNDS. CAPTION 3, AVIS: And also any SCANDALOUS SECRETS that might help SELL issues. PANEL TWO The Lair Legion answer Avis’ enquiry, starting with Hatty. CAPTION 4, HATMAN: Okay, well I’m HATMAN, from Canada, and I take on the POWERS and PROPERTIES of whatever HAT I wear. CAPTION 5, AVIS: No really, what’s you ACTUAL super-power… PANEL THREE: The Shoggoth replies. Nats is also in shot. CAPTION 6, SHOGGOTH: I am a creature created by loathsome ELDER RACES as their TERRIBLE SERVANT, a CREATURE of PROTOPLASM and FEAR. CAPTION 7, NATS: Actually, we could probably use HIM as the villain in #1. PANEL FOUR: Dancer replies. Visionary is in the background. CAPTION 8, DANCER: Okay, I’m Dancer, an Aries, and I enjoy clubbing, acting, dancing, and saving the world. I like men who can make me laugh. CAPTION 9, DANCER: Oh, and I have these PROBABILITY POWERS that convert my MOVEMENTS into CHANCE. CAPTION 10, DANCER: My ambitions are to TRAVEL the WORLD and MEET people, and to bring about WORLD PEACE. CAPTION 11, VISIONARY, small: And she’s not kidding, either. PANEL FIVE: CSFB! bursts into the panel, probably sideways, grinning. CAPTION 12, CSFB!: My turn! Dreamcatcher Kokopelli Foxglove, your bouncing neighbourhood CRAZYSUGARFREAKBOY! CAPTION 13, CSFB!: My IMPOSSIBILITIUM SILLY SUIT lets me convert SUGAR into agility, speed, bouncing, all kids of cool stuff. And I also get NEAT GADGETS like my Go-Go Yo-Yo and my Gawker Goggles and my Wowie Zowie Walkie Talkie and my… PANEL SIX: Yo answers the question. CSFB! continues in the background. CAPTION 14, YO: Yo is pure THOUGHT BEING from Yo-planet, coming to EARTH to help of cute-humans and to be watching of SESAME STREET. CAPTION 15, YO: Although not the VIOLENT bits. CAPTION 16, YO: Yo can be doing whatever Yo THINKS Yo can be doing. CAPTION 17, CSFB!, small: …and my Combat Candy and my Eerie Earring and my Black Hole Backpack and my… PAGE TEN Six panels PANEL ONE Nats’ turn. Avis is also in panel. CAPTION 1, NATS: I’m Nats, the flying PHENOMENON CAPTION 2, NATS: I fly. CAPTION 3, NATS: Up. Or down. CAPTION 4, NATS: Or sometimes along. CAPTION 5, AVIS: That’s it? Flying? CAPTION 6, NATS: Let’s see you do a BARREL-LOOP, buddy! PANEL TWO Dancer comforts Nats. Avis points to Visionary. CAPTION 7, DANCER: It’s a PERFECTLY GOOD power, Nats. CAPTION 8, DANCER: Don’t listen to ANYBODY who tells you it’s SUCKY and USELESS. CAPTION 9, AVIS: And him? What does HE do? PANEL THREE Vizh is flanked by Hatman, the Shoggoth, and Yo. CAPTION 10, HATMAN: Monitor duty, mostly. CAPTION 11, SHOGGOTH: He also consumes a great many of the CRULLERS the MORTAL team members use for bio-organic SUSTENANCE. CAPTION 12, VISIONARY: Hey! Monitor duty is a HIGH-CARB mission! CAPTION 13, YO: He is to be being CUTE-VISIONARY, and we LOVE him. PANEL FOUR Avis is worried. Vizh and Nats need to be in this panel too. CAPTION 14, AVIS: We might have to work on his CODENAME. Cute-Visionary doesn’t say walking psychotic DEATH-BLASTER to me. CAPTION 15, AVIS: What POWERS did you say you HAVE, again? CAPTION 16, VISIONARY: Powers? CAPTION 17, VISIONARY: Why do people always get OBSESSED with super-heroes needing to have POWERS? CAPTION 18, NATS: If it helps, there’s a rumour that Vizh might have been REPLACED years ago by a DEFECTIVE ANDROID. PANEL FIVE: Visionary is indignant. CAPTION 19, VISIONARY: I’m REAL, dammit! CAPTION 20, VISIONARY: And I don’t need super-powers to be a VITAL part of the LL. Why I can… CAPTION 21, VISIONARY: Umm… PANEL SIX Yo to the rescue. CAPTION 22, YO: Visi is wearing of cheerful YELLOW COAT so all of BADDIES are SHOOTING at him and not at any of heroes who might be STOPPING them. CAPTION 22, VISIONARY: Yeah, thanks Yo… CAPTION 23, APRIL: I think I got all of that so I only have ONE more question. CAPTION 24, APRIL: You guys are this planet’s GREATEST superheroes? Really? PAGES ELEVEN AND TWELVE Ten panels, over two pages showing some continuous fluid action. Panels three to eight can be done without panel borders and backgrounds to show the flow of the fight. PANEL ONE: We’re back with Mumph and Lisa, and we’re focussing on the surprised Razorbarb, who’s just been materialised there through Lisa’s summonsing power. To make it clear he’s appearing his feet and lower legs should be slightly transparent. CAPTION 1, RAZORBARB: Wha?! CAPTION 2, RAZORBARB: I’ve been SUMMONSED, teleported against my WILL…? CAPTION 3, RAZORBARB: Lisa? PANEL TWO: Lisa moves to confront Razorbarb, whip in hand. Mumphrey is in the background. CAPTION 4, LISA: Don’t jump to CONCLUSIONS, Mumph. Just because he KNOWS who I am… CAPTION 5, RAZORBARB: I don’t think I’m RECOVERED enough for ANOTHER date, honey. CAPTION 6, LISA, scribbled lines indicating rude words. CAPTION 7, LISA: This ISN’T a date, Razorbarb, it’s an ARREST, for your MURDER of MARVELLOUS MARV! PANEL THREE: Razorbarb isn’t coming quietly. He starts creating his monofilament tangle-wires. CAPTION 8, RAZORBARB: Oh. I saw the WHIP and just assumed… CAPTION 9, RAZORBARB: Guess I’ll just have to KILL you INSTEAD! PANEL FOUR: Lisa dodges under Razorbarb’s wires PANEL FIVE: Lisa kicks Razorbarb in the face. PANEL SIX: Razorbarb sprays his wires at Lisa, who barely dodges. PANEL SEVEN: Lisa jumps up and lands another kick on Razorbarb. Mumphrey is watching disapprovingly in the background. PANEL EIGHT: We focus on Mumphrey disapproving, with just Lisa’s and Razorbarb’s flailing limbs framing the shot. CAPTION 10, MUMPHEY: Hmph. PANEL NINE: Close shot of Mumphrey pushing one of the studs on his temporal pocketwatch. CAPTION 11, MUMPHREY: Time-freeze. PANEL TEN: Mumphrey lines up a shot on the obviously time-frozen Razorbarb (Show this by the positioning. Lisa can still move). CAPTION 12, LISA: You froze him in time! CAPTION 13, LISA: I was enjoying that fight! PAGE THIRTEEN PANEL ONE: Mumphrey slugs Razorbarb across the top of the page, a real zinger! CAPTION 1, MUMPHREY: Oik! PANEL TWO: Lisa has Razorbarb looped up in her whip, and she’s resting the heel of her spiky boot in a strategic place below his belt. CAPTION 2, RAZORBARB: Wha? What happened? CAPTION 3, RAZORBARB: Did I WIN? CAPTION 4, LISA: Nope. So tell us ALL YOU KNOW before we show you that CRIME doesn’t PAY. PANEL THREE: Razorbarb gets the point – or rather tries to avoid getting the point. CAPTION 5:, RAZORBARB Don’t PRESS DOWN! I’ll TALK. CAPTION 6, RAZORBARB: Preferably not in a high squeaky voice! PANEL FOUR: Mumphrey questions the bounder. CAPTION 7, MUMPHREY: Talk, then! Who SENT you to KILL Marvellous Marv. And WHY? CAPTION 8, RAZORBARB: I don’t KNOW. I was HIRED by some GUY in a MASK. CAPTION 9, RAZORBARB: Standard SUPER-VILLAIN BAR encounter. CAPTION 10, RAZORBARB: I just got PAID to OFF the TV PSYCHIC GUY and DELIVER his BRAIN to some PAPER MILL in Gothametropolis York! PANEL FIVE: Mumphrey and Lisa glance at each other. CAPTION 11, MUMPHREY: Paper mill? CAPTION 12, LISA: As in weird LIGHTS and bizarre NOISES make locals BELIEVE in an ALIEN VISITATION to local paper-mill? PAGE FOURTEEN Four panels, of which the first and fourth run the full width of the page. PANEL ONE Alice and Avis talk to the LL. Hatman and Yo are prominent. CAPTION 1, TEXT BOX: Simultaneously… CAPTION 2, AVIS: Okay, so market research has SHOWN that our FIRST ISSUE needs to feature the Lurking Legion fighting some MAJOR MENACE. CAPTION 3, HATMAN: LAIR Legion. We’re the Lair Legion. CAPTION 4, YO: Yo is to be wondering if comic is must to be having of nasty FIGHTING? CAPTION 5, YO: Is perhaps to be BETTER to be showing of cute-Lair Legion MAKING FRIENDS CAPTION 6, YO: And maybe pictures of cute FUZZY BUNNIES? PANEL TWO Avis isn’t impressed with Yo’s idea. CAPTION 7, AVIS: Perhaps in issue two. Really. CAPTION 8, ALICE: We were wondering if YOU GUYS has SUGGESTIONS for one of your PAST VILLAINS we could FEATURE in the FIRST ISSUE? PANEL THREE Visionary is puzzled. Nats is also in shot. CAPTION 9, VISIONARY: Why can’t we just TELL PEOPLE what ACTUALLY HAPPENED on our ADVENTURES? CAPTION 10, NATS: Oh sure. Who’s going to believe THAT stuff? PANEL FOUR Hatman suggests a villain, and we see the image of Anvil Man as he visualised him. Anvil Man appears as a huge hulking baddie covered chunky rusting battle-armour. His fists are anvils, and his helmet is an anvil. Hence the name. CAPTION 11, HATMAN: How about ANVIL MAN? CAPTION 12, HATMAN: He was plenty tough, almost UNSTOPPABLE in that unremovable ARMOUR. CAPTION 13, HATMAN: And he could make things EXPLODE by CONCENTRATING on them. CAPTION 14, CSFB: Plus he was plenty PISSED because he couldn’t get out of his SUIT to use the BATHROOM. PAGE FIFTEEN Five full-width panels (but they don’t all have to be rectangular) PANEL ONE: Dancer remembers another villain, whom we all see imagined in the panel. Appendage Man appears as a squirming amalgamation of limbs flailing out in all directions. CAPTION 1, DANCER: How about APPENDAGE MAN? CAPTION 2, DANCER: The genetically-engineering beast that could create all kinds of ARMS and LEGS and… OTHER APPENDAGES at WILL? CAPTION 3, DANCER: It was like a FLASHBACK to all my BAD DATES at once. PANEL TWO: Yo suggests a villain, and we see an image of Razor Ballerina, a lithe girl in classical ballet tutu spraying off dozens of razor-blades like drops of sweat. CAPTION 4, YO: Yo is thinking of UNCUTE Razor Ballerina, who is generating psychic razor blades as she SPINS. CAPTION 5, YO: Is perhaps she did not have enough LOVE and BUNNIES in her childhood? PANEL THREE: The Shoggoth suggests Dimensionweaver, a spooky woman in star-filled hood and cloak, twisting time and space with kaleidoscope effects. CAPTION 6, SHOGGOTH: Consider DIMENSIONWEAVER, who had the GIFT to TWIST and LINK the dimensions you HUMANS like to EXIST in. CAPTION 7, SHOGGOTH: She caused CONSIDERABLE trouble before I was able to SWALLOW her. PANEL FOUR: Nats talks, and we see his mental image of Gromm, the Living Flatulence, a sentient cloud of methane gas. CAPTION 8, NATS: Yeah, D-Weaver was kind of COOL in a psychotic GLENN CLOSE way… CAPTION 9, NATS: Just as long as we don’t use GROMM, the LIVING FLATULENCE. CAPTION 10, NATS: A living cloud of METHANE GAS is something I don’t want to even THINK ABOUT ever again. PANEL FIVE: CSFB! enthuses about PsychoAcidPervGirl!, his evil counterpart, who we see bouncing off a wall in his flashback. CAPTION 11, CSFB!: Okay, then we GOTTA have PsychoAcidPervGirl! An evil BAD-GAL version of ME has got to be good for another TEN THOUSAND sales to the FANBOYS! CAPTION 12, CSFB!: Can we get Milo Manara to do the ART? PAGE SIXTEEN Three large panels. PANEL ONE: We pull back from Avis’ office to show that the scene is still being watched in the Portal of Pretentiousness. The mirror shows Avis questioning Visionary, while Flapjack still watches in the foreground. CAPTION 1, AVIS (to Visionary): And you? What VILLAINS would you pick for #1? CAPTION 2, VISIONARY: I dunno. I’m not too comfortable with this whole comic-book SET-UP really. CAPTION 3, AVIS: Like it matters. You don’t have any super-powers anyway. CAPTION 4. AVIS: And you’re fake. CAPTION 5, AVIS: You written down all the ideas so far, Alice? PANEL TWO: We see more of the dark gothic room where the Portal of Pretentiousness stands. The Hooded Hood sits on an ebony throne watching the mirror. Flapjack lurks beside him. In the portal we see Avis talking to Alice as she takes notes, and Visionary behind him objecting. CAPTION 6, ALICE: Yeah, we have lots of COOL ideas, but maybe too much for ONE ISSUE. CAPTION 7, VISIONARY, small: I’m real, dammit! CAPTION 8, VISIONARY, small: I have TESTIMONIALS. CAPTION 9, AVIS (to Alice): Fabuloso! CAPTION 10, AVIS: And you’ve chronicled it ALL on that wonderful PSYCHIC NOTEPAPER I [provided you with! PANEL THREE: More emphasis on the Hood and Flapjack, but in the Portal we see Alice looking puzzled at her notes, which are starting to spew off ectoplasm. CAPTION 11, ALICE: Psychic notepaper? CAPTION 12, FLAPJACK: Psychic notepaper? CAPTION 13, the HOODED HOOD: Of course. CAPTION 14, the HOOD: The STOLEN brain of TV psychic Marvellous Marv was added into the PULP at the PAPER MILL to provide Ms APPLE with the perfect receptacle for her IMAGINATION… PAGE SEVENTEEN One panel page PANEL ONE: We see the villains the LL describing forming up out of the ectoplasm. Avis is delighted. Alice is terrified. The Legion are reacting. Hatman is in a defensive stance, alert, dragging on his Steelers cap (makes him turn to metal, show him mid-transformation). CSFB! is grinning at the new action, clinging to the wall. Dancer is recoiling, gracefully. Yo is jumping out of the way, startled. The Shoggoth is watching with interest. Nats is yelping (he’s closest to the villains). Vizh is rubbing his forehead in a resigned manner. The villains to show gushing out are Anvil Man, Appendage Man, Razor Ballerina, Dimensionweaver, Gromm the Living Flatulence, and PsychoAcidPervGirl! The whole of this image is still seen in the Portal of Plenteousness, and somehow we need to show the Hood’s reflection in the glass, since he’s continuing to explain the plot. CAPTION 1, the HOODED HOOD: So once our HEROES described their MORTAL ENEMIES, the prepared NOTEPAPER did the rest. CAPTION 2, the HOOD: Now to see how these CHAMPIONS fare against their self-created FOES. CAPTION 3, VISIONARY: Why does this ALWAYS happen to us? PAGE EIGHTEEN Three action-packed panels showing multiple melees. PANEL ONE: The Lair Legion leaps into action. CSFB! grabs Alice Apple out of the way of Appendage Man. Hatman tackled Anvil Man. Yo pulls a rapier and slices away razors from Razor Ballerina. Nats takes to the air to avoid Gromm, the Living Flatulence. CAPTION 1, CSFB!: Hold on, Alice April Apple…! CAPTION 2, CSFB: I’m on rescuing the BODACIOUS BABE duty today! CAPTION 3, NATS: Lair Legion… LINE UP!! CAPTION 4, HATMAN: He said it again! CAPTION 5, HATMAN: I thought we’d straightened that battle-cry thing OUT. PANEL TWO: Dancer avoids Anvil Man (who is still dragging Hatman along round his neck) so that Anvil Man pounds Appendage Man. The Shoggoth oozes from his bandages and gets into a complicated slimeathon with Gromm. PsychoAcidPervGirl! pantses Nats. In the background Vizh spots Avis running off. CAPTION 6, DANCER: Is ANYBODY ELSE thinking this might have been a TRAP? CAPTION 7, DANCER, small: Oops, sorry about that, Appendage Man. What were the chances of Anvil Man SLAMMING into you like that? CAPTION 8, DANCER: Because I’m getting pretty SUSPICIOUS, guys. CAPTION 9, NATS: eeep. CAPTION 10, HATMAN: It’s clearly a TRAP. The question is WHY, and by WHO? PANEL THREE: In the foreground CSFB! still has April in his arms. Yo is clinging on to a dimensional portal created by Dimensionweaver. Nats is flying erratically round the room with PsychoAcidPervGirl! on his back covering his eyes with her hands. Hatman is still wrestling with Anvil Man (and coming second). Vizh is chasing off after Avis. CAPTION 11, CSFB!: What do you say, Alice? CAPTION 12, CSFB!: Are your REALLY the wholesome girl-next-door COMICS WRITER or the secret HEART-BREAKING BAD GAL supervillain? CAPTION 13, ALICE: It’s not me, HONEST… CAPTION 14, ALICE: I just wrote notes on that PAD Roni Y. Avis gave me. CAPTION 15, ALICE: I thought the PAPER felt kind of WEIRD though. CAPTION 16, VISIONARY: Hey, Avis… come back here! PAGE NINETEEN Three more action-packed panels; or you could combine this with the previous page for a six-panel double-spread. PANEL ONE: Now Yo has grabbed PsychoAcidPervGirl’s ankles and is being towed around behind her and Nats. Yo is grinning happily. Gromm is looking less happy swirling around inside a huge distorted Shoggoth. Razor Ballerina is aiming at CSFB!, who is running round the walls still carrying April. Vizh is racing off-panel after Avis. CAPTION 1, YO: Wheeee! CAPTION 2, the SHOGGOTH: I think I have GAS. CAPTION 3, RAZOR BALLERINA: Hold still so I can kill you. CAPTION 4, RAZOR BALLERINA: How can I kill you if you won’t CO-OPERATE? CAPTION 5, VISIONARY: Be right back. PANEL TWO: We see the whole battle. In the very foreground, abandoned on the floor, are April’s handwritten notes that triggered the attack off. In the battle Appendage Man is grabbing for Dancer (she’s grossed), Yo is tickling PsychoAcidPervGirl, Nats is flying at Dimensionweaver but is passing through one of her portals and appearing at the other side of the panel heading straight at the wall. Hatman has a Jets hat on and is trying to rip Anvil Man’s head off by flying away with it. The Shoggoth has swelled up like a balloon and is floating because of Gromm inside him. He’s looking mildly surprised. CAPTION 6, DANCER (to Appendage Man): Get AWAY from me, you PERV! CAPTION 7, DANCER: Who do you think I AM, Lisa? CAPTION 8, PSYCHOACIDPERVGIRL!: Tickling! No fair! CAPTION 9, NATS: Uh oh! PANEL THREE: A similar view as panel two, but now we see a hand reaching down to take the notes. Meanwhile, Dancer flips Appendage Man into Razor Ballerina. CrazySugarFreakBoy! clobbers Dimensionweaver as he bounced past, Nats makes a last-minute turn straight upwards to avoid the wall. Anvil Man slams Hatman down hard. The Shoggoth is disappearing, floating off the top of the panel. CAPTION 10, APPENDAGE MAN: Ouch CAPTION 11, APPENDAGE MAN: Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch. CAPTION 12, DANCER (to Appendage Man): You’re a walking HARASSMENT SUIT, you know that don’t you? CAPTION 13, HATMAN: Ooof! CAPTION 14, HATMAN: All of our rogues gallery, and I had to go PICK Anvil Man! CAPTION 15, MUMPHREY, off panel (the mysterious hand): Well now… CAPTION 16, MUMPHREY: What do we have HERE, then? PAGE TWENTY Six panels in three rows of three, one, and two respectively. PANEL ONE: A closeup of Alice’s notes. They say: “Anvil Man, big string unstoppable brute in rusty metal boilerplate, can also make things explode. Appendage Man, gross genetic monstrosity that can grow limbs and stuff at will. Razor Ballerina, cuts through anything on touch and can shed razor blades as she dances. Dimensionweaver, can twist dimensions, create teleportals, open up doors to other worlds etc. Gromm, the Living Flatulence, sentient methane horror PsychoAcidPervGirl!, evil version of CrazySugarFreakBoy! P.S. CSFB! has dreamy eyes.” CAPTION 1, MUMPHREY, off-panel: Hmmm… PANEL TWO: As panel one, but Mumphrey’s holding a fountain pen over the notes. CAPTION 2, MUMPHREY, off-panel: Let’s SEE now… PANEL THREE: As panel one, but now Mumph has added words to the bottom of the notes: “And then the Lair Legion won. The end.” CAPTION 3, MUMPHREY, off-panel: That’s BETTER. PANEL FOUR: A shot of the other members of the Lair Legion, suddenly battling nothing. The Shoggoth is splattering onto the floor. CAPTION 4, NATS: Wha…? CAPTION 5, YO: Hey! Where is uncute VILLAININGS to be going? CAPTION 6, YO: Yo was not to be finished TICKLING of them. CAPTION 7, CRAZYSUGARFREAKBOY!: And I never got time to trade WITTY BANTER with the BAD GUYS! PANEL FIVE: At last we see who’s holding the paper. It’s Mumphrey, and Lisa is beside him. CAPTION 8, MUMPHREY: Sorry, old CHAPS, but I thought I’d better stop the PSYCHIC PAPER doing it’s OOJAH., what? CAPTION 9, LISA: Turns out that April’s PAD is made of PULPED TV FORTUNE TELLER, to create a trap from our IMAGINATIONS. PANEL SIX: Hatman puts two and two together. Dancer and Nats are also prominent in shot. CAPTION 10: HATMAN: So Roni Y. Avis was behind the MURDER of Marvellous Marv… CAPTION 11, DANCER: Avis had the show-biz industry CONNECTIONS to know MARV was a REAL PSYCHIC… CAPTION 12, HATMAN: And he made that HOODOO NOTEPAD for Ms Apple to recreate OLD VILLAINS to WIPE US OUT. CAPTION 13, HATMAN: But WHY? CAPTION 14, NATS: And a BETTER question… CAPTION 15, NATS: Where is he NOW? PAGE TWENTY-ONE Five panels, of which the last is the largest. PANEL ONE: Roni Y Avis runs away down the service stairs of his skyscraper. He’s frantically dialling on his mobile phone. CAPTION 1, AVIS: Okay, don’t panic, don’t panic… CAPTION 2, AVIS: I’ll just call my MYSTERIOUS CLIENT and tell him that this time the old COMIC-BOOK PLOY didn’t work… CAPTION 3, AVIS: He’ll just RESET REALITY to DEFAULT like he ALWAYS does. CAPTION 4, AVIS: That’s all. PANEL TWO: Visionary runs down after him. CAPTION 5, VISIONARY: Not so fast, Avis! CAPTION 6, VISIONARY: I may not have super-powers but I can spot a WEASEL when I SEE one. CAPTION 7, VISIONARY: By the powers VESTED in me by, um., by the COMICS CODE I hereby place you UNDER ARREST! PANEL THREE: Avis and Visionary face off! CAPTION 8, AVIS: Hah! CAPTION 9, AVIS: You think you can STOP me, millionaire inventor of INTERNET SPAM and PYRAMID TELEMARKETING? CAPTION 10, AVIS: Are you forgetting that I have a HOOK?! PANEL FOUR: Visionary clobber Avis. CAPTION 11, VISIONARY: Oh shut up. I want to go home. PANEL FIVE: The Lair Legion catch up. Yo hurls him/herself at Visionary. Also prominent are Mumphrey and Lisa. Hatman collars the fallen Avis. CAPTION 12, YO: Visi!!!! CAPTION 13, MUMPHREY: Well done, that man! BEANED the bounder good n’ PROPER! CAPTION 14, LISA: Must have been an ACCIDENT. CAPTION 15, LISA: Maybe he TRIPPED? CAPTION 16, AVIS: You won’t get away with this… CAPTION 17, AVIS: My MYSTERIOUS CLIENT will WIPE you from existence, just like ALL THE OTHERS… PAGE TWENTY-TWO Four moody weirdly-angled panels. PANEL ONE The Hooded Hood watches on the Portal of Pretentiousness as Avis is handcuffed by Lisa. Flapjack is beside the Hood’s throne. CAPTION 1, AVIS: Any time now. CAPTION 2, AVIS: Hello? CAPTION 3, AVIS: Mysterious client…? CAPTION 4, FLAPJACK: You’re not going to BAIL Avis out, boss? CAPTION 5, FLAPJACK: I mean sure, he’s PRETTY ANNOYING but… PANEL TWO The Hood replies. CAPTION 6, the HOODED HOOD: I think NOT. CAPTION 7, the HOOD: This Lair Legion solved the PROBLEM, and OVERCAME the threat. They showed INITIATIVE and SPIRIT. CAPTION 8, the HOOD: And they were also quite AMUSING. PANEL THREE The Hood stands and we see him in the gothic splendour of Herringcarp Asylum, his sinister stronghold. Flapjack is still beside the Portal of Pretentiousness, watching Avis get hauled away. CAPTION 9, FLAPJACK: So these are the GUYS? CAPTION 10, FLAPJACK: These? CAPTION 11, the HOODED HOOD: These are the HEROES who will OPPOSE me in my DARK MASTERPLAN. CAPTION 12: After all, TRIUMPH is NOTHING if there is no GOOD to be CRUSHED, no CHAMPIONS to be DEFEATED. CAPTION 12, FLAPJACK, small: You’re a pretty COMPLICATED individual, aren’t you? PANEL FOUR: The Hooded Hood poses. CAPTION 13, the HOOD: Let the HEROES enjoy their MOMENT of GLORY. Let them PUZZLE at the REASONS for Avis’ actions, at the HIDDEN FOE who SPONSORED him… CAPTION 14, the HOOD: Soon they shall KNOW that they are TANGLED in a WEB of DECEIT and INTRIGUE, a GAME of DEATH and GLORY for COSMIC STAKES… CAPTION 15, the HOOD: Then we shall CLASH, and UNIVERSES will TREMBLE at the OUTCOME. CAPTION 16, the HOOD: The WAR has just begun between the LAIR LEGION and… CAPTION 17, the HOOD: The HOODED HOOD! PAGE TWENTY-THREE A thin wide top-of-page establishing shot, then PANEL ONE: An establishing shot of the Lair Mansion on Lair Island. CAPTION 1, TEXT BOX: Lair Island – the LAIR MANSION. PANEL TWO: The Legion are back home, discussing the adventure. Hatman, Lisa, and Dancer are prominent in panel. CAPTION 2, HATMAN: Okay, Razorbarb has CONFESSED the murder of Marvellous Marv to the POLICE, and Avis is UNDER INVESTIGATION as an ACCESSORY. CAPTION 3, LISA: I’m anticipating a LUCRATIVE FEE for SUING HIS ASS off for breach of contract on the COMIC BOOK stuff. CAPTION 4, DANCER: Which I’m sure you’ll be DONATING to the Marvellous Marv Memorial Charity, right Lisa? PANEL THREE: CrazySugarFreakBoy!, Nats, and the Shoggoth are prominent in panel. CAPTION 5, CSFB!: Shame about the Lair Legion comic, though. That could have been BIG TIME. CAPTION 6, CSFB!: April says she might still TRY it as an INDIE some time. CAPTION 7, CSFB!: Plus, I have a DATE with her Saturday. CAPTION 8, NATS: Damn. I have GOT to get on that hot damsel-in-distress RESCUING rota. CAPTION 9, the SHOGGOTH: Human MATING RITUALS are very complex. Have you not just tried DIVIDING your BODIES in TWO? CAPTION 10, the SHOGGOTH: I’m sure you’d GET THE HANG of it EVENTUALLY. PANEL FOUR: CAPTION 11, YO: Still, is shame. Yo is to be THINKING that this story would be to be making PRETTY GOOD comicking book. CAPTION 12, YO: If we were to be WORKING more bunnies into story somehow… CAPTION 13, VISIONARY: I’m not SURE. Maybe if we were more GRIM and GRITTY, with adamantine CLAWS? CAPTION 14, VISIONARY: I mean, does ANYONE really want to read about a bunch of HAPLESS SUPERHEROES bickering and making idiots of themselves? CAPTION 15, MUMPHREY: We’ll never know, will be chaps? CAPTION 16, MUMPHREY: Anyway, to the next case… CAPTION 17, TEXT BOX (across bottom of page): NEXT ISSUE: Hatman meets a RUNAWAY WITCH, Lisa meets the HOODED HOOD, Visionary meets a ROBOTIC FLEA. Plus a full cast of zombies, werewolves, ghouls and VAMPIRES at no extra charge. Be here for “The FAIR WITCH PROJECT”. Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2005 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2005 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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