The Case of the Christmas Card Caper
Dramatis Personae, being a recap of the identities of the Junior Lair Legion and friends:
Kerry Shepherdson, the probability arsonist, Dancer and Visionary's troubled little sister
Harlagaz Donarson, demihemigod of thunder
Samantha Bonnington, Fashion Accessory, fabric controlling valley girl
Fred Harris, Ham-Boy, the world's meatiest hero and rookie full Legionnaire
Danny Lyle, Denial, Kerry's villainous boyfriend, the Hooded Hood's son
Vespiir of the House of Viisionary, exiled Caphan seeress
R.J. "Randy" Clement, The Mutant Liberation Army, De Brown Streak's amorous cousin
(Updated Vizh team picture goes here)
***
Kerry Shepherdson awoke with a mouth full of snow. The probability arsonist's natural reaction was to incinerate all frozen water within ten feet of her to steam.
That woke up her fellow Juniors. "Ouch!" complained Ham-Boy (who wasn't technically a Junior any more but was allowed to pal with them on the grounds, as Fashion Accessory put it, "We need somebody lame to point at."), "I think I just got broiled!"
"Where are we ?" asked R.J. Clement, looking around the bits of frozen landscape that Kerry hadn't just evaporated. "And how did we get here?"
"What did Young Heckfire slip into our drinks?" FA wondered.
Danny Lyle pulled himself off the ground. "This just goes to show that next time we pipe gas into the Heckfire's frat house it shouldn't be helium. It should be cyanide," he argued. Denial concentrated then frowned. "Hmm, there's a powerful narrative imperative keeping us here. Very powerful."
"What hath yon narrative imperative done with our clothes?" demanded Harlagaz Donarson, demihemigod of thunder. He gestured to the fur-trimmed red santa suit he was wearing. "Yon narrative imperative hads't best return mine Motorhead t-shirt or be smitten unto his ninth generation."
That was when the Juniors noticed they were all differently attired. Kerry was a leprechaun, although her buckled hat was already smouldering. Samantha Bonnington was a fairy ballerina; very quickly she was a highly fashionable designer fairy ballerina with Versace tutu, but her usual cloth-reordering powers seemed curtailed to Christmas themes. Danny's outfit was irritatingly unchanged, a James Dean jacket over t-shirt and jeans. Randy Clement was an elf, albeit a very insouciant Legolas brooding-intensity come-into-the-forest-with-me elf. He complained that his codpiece was too small.
"It's so large its positively obscene," objected F.A.
"And yet," the Mutant Liberation Army smirked.
"You shouldn't complain," Ham-Boy complained. "You're not suddenly dressed in Christmas meats."
"But at least you're dressed," Kerry pointed out. She gestured to the exiled Caphan Vespiir, who appeared to be clad only in tree ornaments. "Eyes away, Lyle!"
"I'm probably able to deny that outfit if it helps," Danny offered.
Fashion Accessory attempted to correct the green-skinned former slave girl's wardrobe deficiency. After a series of attempts the best she could manage was something in tinsel.
"I liked the one with the little bells," Vespiir admitted shyly.
"We all did," R.J. assured her. "Now where are we and why? I mean, the view's fine but I have a date at nine tonight. And one at ten thirty. And midnight."
"Tis yon narrative. I shalt hammer him forthwith," Gaz promised.
"Maybe that Christmas tree will offer some clues?" Danny suggested, pointing to a tall green pine that was only smouldering slightly on the Kerry-ward side. "And its got presents underneath."
"Pants, maybe?" said HB hopefully.
"Do you see what's going on, Vesp?" Kerry asked the festively decked Caphan.
Vespiir closed her eyes and peered into the future. "It is rather confusing. It's all mixed up with Lord Viisionary wearing a yellow paper hat of authority and making a toast before forgetting to defuse his cracker, and Lady Dancer performing the sacred Dance of the Many Egg Nogs, and many other things. But does your solstice ceremony usually involve small jolly fat men devouring people?"
"Are you perhaps getting that mixed up with Gremlins?" R.J. suggested.
"I don't know," the seeress admitted, straining to try and draw the strands of the future together. "Do those little robin-birds usually detonate on proximity?"
"Only if they get near Kerry," Ham-Boy admitted.
Over at the tree, Samantha had begun opening packages with the assured speed of a serial shopper. "Hey! These boxes are empty. They're just props!"
"Still worrying about the killer Santavores over here, FA," Kerry called back.
Vespiir shuddered. "They know if you have been naughty or nice," she predicted.
"Oh crap," said Denial.
"Mayhap yon Santavores hath kidnapped mine Motorhead t-shirt," Harlagaz reasoned. "It shalt be avenged to the uttermost!"
"But how did we get here?" Kerry persisted. "C'mon guys, think."
"Is that Kerry Shepherson telling us to think?" Fashion Accessory asked. "The girl who came up with Russian roulette matchboxes?"
"There was a hazard warning on the side," the probability arsonist countered. "I can't be held responsible for G-Eyed not reading the instructions. Anyway, he can always teleport on new eyebrows."
"We were welcoming Lord Ham-Boy to our tent," Vespiir suggested. "Our sister Samantha had said that we should not perform the ceremony of klath horga stoon as befits a returning hero of our House, since Lord Ham-Boy would probably die of a heart attack if he saw a girl naked, so we gathered instead to open the missives of greeting from distant allies and loved ones."
"Wait," Ham-Boy objected. "What ceremony?"
"That's right," R.J. remembered. "Also, there was no voorath grease on the entire planet, and no time to paint the girls properly. Damn, I so need to visit Caph sometime!"
"We were opening yon Yuletide cards," Harlagaz agreed. "We hadst just mocked yon official Badripoorean greetings card from Coat-Rack when..."
"spiffy's fault!" hissed Kerry. "I knew it!"
"But about this ceremony..." persisted Ham-Boy.
"When things went blooey," FA recalled. "More blooey than that time Al B's resonance imagine fluxuator fell into Vizh's bath but definitely less blooey than when the Lighthouse got shifted into the Jellyfish Dimension."
HB looked at the distant snow-scene. "We're not in Narnia again, are we? Only it felt like we got stuck there for months."
"This better not be Narnia," Kerry warned dangerously. "Otherwise Narnia's molten core and I are going to have words!"
"I don't think it's Narnia," Danny placated her. "In fact... we're not blind to being watched! " he said, activating his denial powers as he worked out what had been nagging him.
And one side of the winter wonderland vanished; it changed to a huge rectangle with a pair of eyes and a squashed bulbous nose five hundred yards wide staring down at them.
"What's that?" gasped Vespiir, somehow producing a needle-point houri dagger from mere tinsel.
"Tis a really big nose," shouted Harlagaz. "Mayhap 'tis the nose of narrative imperative?"
"That," frowned Ham-Boy, who'd barely survived Hatman's orientation lectures and Yuki's motivational judo, "is Nathan Nashua, the Birthday Bandit. Only, y'know, really, really big."
"The Birthday Bandit?" Kerry remembered him. "Dweeb who can steal or replicate people's powers when it's their birthday?"
"Carries a tacky candy can walking stick?" FA recalled. "Eew."
"He is an enemy of our House?" Vespiir checked.
"Well yeah," agreed Danny. "If the Parody Master or the Carnifex are tens this guy comes in about minus three point five. Just ahead of Argh!Yle the evil sock and Turbo Treesloth."
"And yet here I have you," the massive Birthday Bandit boomed. "Helpless!"
"Because we're going to freeze to death in tights?" Randy challenged. He glanced at Vespiir. "Or mistletoe." He winced at Ham-Boy. "Or sage and onion."
"Because, like your elders - like all the so-called heroes who ever thwarted me - I have finally gained the power to trap you all, forever... in these Christmas cards!"
"Of course!" Ham-Boy recognised. "That's why everything here's so deep and crisp and even. And why there was nothing in the prop tree presents!"
"But who's birthday are you tapping to..." began FA. Then she caught on. "Uh oh. Christmas cards."
"Who?" Harlagaz demanded. Plot summaries were things that happened to other people. "Also, who ist yon big-nosed fellow in the sky?"
"He's looking in at us through the card he's caught us inside!" realised Danny.
Just then there was a howl in the distance - the hunting cry of the Santavore pack. The first Santavore pack.
"I shall leave you now to enjoy your final Christmas," Birthday Bandit told the Juniors. "This will be a holiday for me to remember!"
He vanished from the skies as he slipped the card into an envelope and sealed it.
"Uh oh," said R.J. "I'm gonna be late for my dates, aren't I?"
The Santavores closed in.
"Ah," smiled Harlagaz Donarson. "Yuletide hast come early this year!"
***
"It worked!" Nathan Nashua breathed, almost in disbelief. "After all this time it finally worked. In your face, Pants Baron! I win! I have finally defeated the Lair Legion and all their followers! I... the Birthday Bandit!"
Then he remembered where he was and turned round to the man on the throne. "Um, thanks to your help, of course," he added. "I couldn't have done it without you."
"Indeed," replied the Hooded Hood. He cradled his fingertips and waited to see what happened next.
***
To be concluded... on Christmas Day!
Meanwhile: If folks would like to suggest up to three characters (their own, other posters' characters, or supporting cast) who they'd like to see show up in the final bit, please put them in a response. I can't guarantee to fit them all in, but I'll at least consider them.
Or: If anyone wants to do a festive tie-in there's plenty more Christmas cards in the box.
***
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Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2011 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2011 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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