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Post By The Hooded Hood flogs a joke to death Mon Aug 08, 2005 at 07:56:40 pm EDT |
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#226½: Untold Songs of the Lair Legion: Once More With Lyrics | |
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| #226½: Untold Songs of the Lair Legion: Once More With Lyrics Previously: After returning from a difficult mission to the abyss of hell where he survived the temptations of the beautiful demoness Regret and the plans of the scheming Sage Grimpenghast, and accidentally became the ruler of a demonic realm, Nats is preparing for his wedding to Uhunalura, Princess of the Abhumans. His proposal to her drew heavily on his love for the works of TV and movie producer Joss Whedon. Link to Surprisingly Decent Proposal by Nats. And then somebody quipped that the whole wedding should be done in the style of Buffy: the Musical, “Once More With Feeling”, and the whole joke got out of hand. Yes, I’m afraid this entire chapter takes the form of pastiche renderings of the songs from an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and all the tune references are to numbers from that production. My apologies to those of you not familiar with the work, or the tunes. Next time we’re back with our regular format in a double-sized wedding spectacular. For now, just lie back and let the chapter wash over you. [Sung to the tune of Going Through the Motions] NATS: Every single day the same arrangement, Only it’s today we wed. Everyone’s so full of preparations Doing in my head; Hope we won’t be dead. I don’t know about this show It’s really not my scene - And I’m just Going through the motions, Hoping to get through, Hoping things wont end up really Screwed. I was always light and kind of breezy, Hot-headed and full of fun. Now I find I’m worried, tired, wheez,y Till this whole thing’s done And I’m Uhuna’s One. G-EYED: Rehearsal’s just begun! NATS: Whatever I may lack I’m getting back I’m going through this thing. Yes I’m Going through the motions, marrying my bride, Got to show Uhuna that I’ve Tried. Can I keep my act together? Will we be in love forever? What else can I do? CSFB!: Whatever. NATS: I don’t want to be… Going through the motions This has got to be. This will be my fate, I’m Uhuna’s mate, This is what I want To be! [Sung to the tune of I Have a Theory, Bunnies, and What Can’t We Face?] HALLIE: I’ve got a theory, Some screwy readings On ghostly bleedings In the city out there. AL B: I’ve got a theory, But I’ll be needing More time for feeding Data, it’s a nightmare! I’ve got a theory we should soon begin. HATMAN: We may be weary But we’re here to Stop this sort of thing. VIZH: It could be Nits still; ‘Cause he was being Hunted by all kinds Of crazy critters, Oozing, slimy Nothing personal, Manga Shoggoth. (I’ll be hiding under here now). YO: I’m having a theory It could be bunnies… Bunnies are the cutest thing creation is creating They are so cute and fluffy, always loving never hating Rabito is the purplest But sometimes he makes messes. Bunnies, bunnies, It must be bunnies! Or maybe spiffy. Al B: I’ve got a theory We should solve this case. Because it’s eerie And I’m quite leery It could blow up in our face. DANCER: I have a theory… It doesn’t matter! Why can’t we wait till Nats’ wedding? When the happy couple’s off and bedding? We’ve plenty time To solve it when We've had the cake. We’ll do it then. HATMAN: I’m not so sure that we should hold off If Mumphrey finds, we’ll all get told off We have to try. The bloodstains wait All over town. A gory fate TRICKSHOT: Do we even know what the job is? Ain’t this one of Xander’s normal hobbies? Why should we go? I’m overhung My thinking’s slow I’ve leather tongue. I don’t need any grief. YO: Except for bunnies. [Sung to the tune of Under your Spell] UHUNA: I lived my life a princess Far in my Abhuman home Before I made such a bad mess Then I was exiled alone. But now I’m in bliss How did I win through to this? I thought my life was ended Maximess sought to destroy But Bill came and defended And I fell in the love with the boy Who could have known? Now I’m not ever alone! We’ll be in love forever I’ll be my sweet lover’s bride We’ll face out lives together Taking the world side by side I wonder how, But nothing’s parting us now. You make me complete… [Sung to the tune of I’ll Never Tell] REGRET, the demonic temptress: This is the man that I damn with corruption Isn’t he good? My single claim is his total destruction However I could. He thinks he’s gotten free The time will come he’ll clearly see The only trouble is… He’ll go to hell. NATS: Still with the fright as I sleep in the night, Waking in sweat, All of those dreams when I’m back as it seems Lying in bed with Regret. My recent trip to hell Has left its scars now I can tell There’s only one thing that… No all is well. NATS & REGRET: There’s no pity in hell. NATS: I wish I could have saved her. I tried I did the best that I could do. REGRET: It’s lovely that he tried so much, To save me from abyssal touch. NATS: I didn’t mean to doom ‘er But I’ve got to wed Uhuna. REGRET: Why does he think the city’s bleeding If there’s nothing fate is needing? NATS: I am just a nervous bridegroom. I’m not facing pain and my doom. REGRET: Is it fate? NATS: Is it the hour? REGRET: Will he claim abyssal power? NATS & REGRET: We could make the whole world cower If we chose to do so. Tomorrow at the Wedding we’ll know! REGRET: Soon we will know. NATS: I have to choose. REGRET: Uhuna or me. NATS: Power or death NATS & REGRET: Tomorrow we’ll Know. [Sung to the tune of Rest in Peace] XANDER: I tried Many years ago, To protect all the world From dark immortal foes, From demons and hobgoblins And that whole infernal show. mm-mmm And now This is where it leads. I have to sacrifice my friends, And watch them as they bleed; To damn myself to darkness Because that’s what this world needs. And I will But I don’t like the game; ‘Cause using heroes in this way Is such a cruel sham.e And so I’m left with life bereft And murder on my name. So let me try again: Let me try again Let me shift this stain Let me seek another way to win That won’t cause Nats such pain I’ll try to win without such sin But I think I’ll try in vain, But let me try again! Yes let me try again! [Sung to the tune of Sweet’s Song] SAGE GRIMPENGHAST, Teacher of Deceptions: Why’d you close the book? Why’d you run and… hide? Take another look At the stuff that’s Writ inside. I’ve prepared a grand deception, Readying for Nats’ own hell-reception. So relax and watch It’s going to take a while. I’m the fatal lie, I’m the killing word. I’m the truth that died, I’m the hate that Must be heard. Turn to me and take your desire Enjoy it now before the hot hellfire Nats will turn to me. I’m working him inside. Cause I know what he needs, man Yes I know what he needs now, man… NATS: I’m not cool, been a fool But at last I’m a winner GRIMPENGHAST: And I know what it feeds, man. NATS: Not a tool, mustn’t rule Mustn’t fall as a sinner. GRIMPENGHAST: Things were set when You claimed that power. Now you’re hell-lord, This is your hour! NATS: Won’t give up, that would suck Gonna wed with Uhuna… GRIMPENGHAST: A contract. NATS: I guess. GRIMPENGHAST: Bound forever… That’s what it’s all about. [Sung to the tune of Wish I Could Stay] MUMPHREY: You’re both ready For the step to come You’re strong together You’re more than your sum Now you’ve found true love And your life’s just begun. I wish… May you cleave together May all your feelings grow Passion to wisdom Although it might come slow Don’t you be afraid, to talk Or act or show. I hope… That you will find the path now To bring you joy and bliss, That you may find contentment Whene’er you share a kiss Wish you the joy I’ve had Back when it was my day And that it never goes away. A lifetime union May you never part A perfect joining From a troubled start A love that stands the test In mind and soul and heart And that it never goes away… UHUNA: Woken once again By that wailing keen What could it all mean? Such a sound of pain Like our banshee’s cry But that means I must die. Or maybe I dreamed? LIBRARIAN: I’ve tabulated All the files, On the weird stuff Happening the whiles, Gory piles. Wish I could sort the truth out… UHUNA: Hope that I’m wrong LIBRARIAN: To solve this puzzling case… UHUNA: That I belong with Bill LIBRARIAN: Wish I could… UHUNA: It’s not the banshee’s song. LIBRARIAN: Find the reason… UHUNA: My nerves drive me along. LIBRARIAN: And put it in its place. UHUNA & LIBRARIAN: Feel I should know It stares me in the face. It stares me in the face. It stares me in the face. [Sung to the tune of Walk Through the Fire] NATS: I face the day and it frightens me I wonder now what’s going on. A happy match Or is there still a catch? A moment seized or gone? I love the girl, she calls to me She lights my life and warms my soul But still I fear That I’ll be bad for her That I won’t make her whole. So will I Walk to the altar? And take her by the hand? Will I walk to the alter? And take a… XANDER: The fate I face is searing me I must pursue it to the end. A demon’s reign Cannot begin again, And so I’m forced to send Nats to the altar, To face his time of woe, Will he walk to altar Or will he go? AL B: How could I have been so stupid? All this wedding stuff and cupid! Nats has recently returned from hell. Carrying a demon’s power Straight into his wedding hour And he’s into Buffy’s show as well. YUKI: He’s twisting life ‘Cause he’s afraid to take a wife? Afraid to walk to the altar… REGRET: He’s coming soon, he’s needing me His old world burns away so fast. My demon lord, I’ll birth his demon horde Nats will be mine at last. HATMAN: Are you saying these weird doings Are because of Nats’ viewings? YO: Yo is hoping Nats will not go wrong. TRICKSHOT: Would it help if I just shot him? G-EYED: And if not, how if I pot him? SHOGGOTH: Why do all you humans speak in song? VIZH: Sure it seems weird But we are used to the absurd. DANCER: So Nats must walk to the altar? HALLIE: Dripping strands of hell, And so the city is dripping Blood as well! LISA: Yes, Nats must walk to the alter, The only ending true, Nats must walk to the alter And say “I do”. [Sung to Life a Show and Sweet’s Song (Reprise) MUMPHREY: Marriage is work, It’s not an idle game. It’s pleasure and it’s pain Again and then again. VIZH: It alright, To worry for the day. Fear is the price we pay To win the proper way. YO: Where there’s love There’s hope. Nothing can Stop that. She’s the girl For you. You know that It’s true. NATS: I want to be with her I want to take her now as my wife But I can feel the dark But I can feel the dark… GRIMPENGHAST: Turn your pain into hell on Earth Turn your pain into hell on Earth. NATS: I don’t want to leave, Uhuna will grieve, But I’m sinking. I think that I’m sinking. UHUNA: Don’t you give in! Bill you be strong We’ll get along I love you. Together we’ll win. Whatever you see Face it with me I love you. Can’t you see I love you? Because it’s true I love you. SAGE GRIMPENGHAST: What a lovely end, To conclude our tale. The princess must defend, and ensure her Love won’t fail. The Legion finds the source of disaster - Nats’ hell-power; beware hereafter; But now I must depart Beware the banshee’s wail! [Sung to the tune of Where Do We Go From Here and Walk Through the Fire (Reprise)] HATMAN: Please let me get this clear. Please let me get this clear. Nats was sacred So his power flared And made Buffy-song appear? Please let me get this clear. AL B: It’s over, all is clear. It’s over, all is clear. We’ll all just use The residual muse Then it’s back to normal here. It’s over, all is clear. TRICKSHOT: Bugger this. XANDER: It’s worse than that, I fear. Much worse than that, I fear The creepy gore In the city’s core Was a sign the end is near, And it’s not done, I hear. NATS: I face tomorrow and it frightens me This power doesn’t go away. Will hell make room? I’ll be Uhuna’s doom? What if I go or stay? NATS & REGRET: What if I go… or stay…? “Well,” Al B. Harper reported to the Lair Legion. “I have no idea what caused the massive psycho-thaumaturgical flare in Paradopolis, but I’m pleased to say it’s entirely vanished now.” “Good, because it’s time ta stop geeking and get to Nats’ stag bash,” Trickshot told the archscientist. “The Fatal Toilet’s not cheap ta hire, you know.” “At least I can stop fielding reports of bleeding manholes and stained walls all across the city,” Hallie declared. “It was getting spooky.” “I don’t mind staying behind to check the data,” the Librarian offered. “I can’t help but feel we’re missing something about that bizarre phenomenon.” “After the party, eh?” Nats suggested to Lee Bookman, dragging him from his desk. “Help me celebrate marrying the best girl in the world.” He paused and frowned for a moment. “Why is my throat sore?” he wondered. Next: Untold Tales of the Wedding of Nats and Uhuna The Hooded Hood's Homepage of Doom Who's Who in the Parodyverse Where's Where in the Parodyverse Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2005 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2005 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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