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Post By Samantha Featherstone via the Hooded Hood Sun Aug 21, 2005 at 08:00:56 am EDT |
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#230: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: Dear Diary, or Fighting Evil And Smiting The Ungodly On My Holidays | |
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#230: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: Dear Diary, or Fighting Evil And Smiting The Ungodly On My Holidays Dear Diary I am writing my story of my holiday in here because I can’t write it for school. Security reasons. Nobody is supposed to know where I went for my holiday. It was a good holiday. I was Fighting Crime. I said goodbye to mummy and daddy on Thursday. They were not fighting crime. They were skiing in the Algarve. Well, they said they were skiing, and daddy bought new skis and mummy bought new outfits, but from past experience they’ll spent more time hob-nobbing at the ski resort and hoping Prince William or Prince Harry nips over for a quick snow-board than actually doing the Piste. So I waited with Nanny Bridge while Granddad came to fetch me. Nanny Bridge is not very old. She is 22½, and she is working as a nanny to pay for her lover to go through art school. I am not supposed to know about her lover. I am not supposed to know about lovers, really. Nanny Bridge is young and quite trendy, although she uses too much make-up. She is about 1,000 years younger than Nanny Greenwood, but she does not smell of peppermints and True Grit. Nanny Greenwood still calls to visit us sometimes, and then Nanny Bridge gets very nervous and rushes about trying to polish my bedroom and things. And she does up every button on her uniform and tries to never smile. I think Nanny Bridge is very scared by Nanny Greenwood. That is because Nanny Bridge does not Get Nanny Greenwood. It is sometimes good to have a nanny like Nanny Greenwood, because then you are safe from bogies, burglars, and nuclear attack. My mummy also gets very het up when Nanny Greenwood visits, because Nanny Greenwood was her Nanny too, and I think mummy is afraid she will be made to sit on a potty. Nanny Greenwood was Grandad’s nanny as well. I hope that one day I will be as scary and old as Nanny Greenwood. I am practising my Stare. Anyway, mummy and daddy went to Europe and left me to go to visit my Granddad with Nanny Bridge. My Granddad is very rich, and mummy and daddy hope that he will die and leave me all his money because he likes me. They do not know that my Granddad is Keeper of the Chronometer of Infinity, which means he can do wonderful bendy things to time and he does not ever get any older. By the way, my Granddad is Sir Mumphrey Wilton, KBE, CGB, GCVO, GCMG, FRS and lots of bars. That means the Queen likes him and thinks he does a good job. He says Queen Victoria liked him too. It is probably the whiskers. My Granddad was retired, but dad says he has Gone Quite Potty and is now leading a superhero team in America, the Lair Legion. I think it is a good idea to be a superhero and save the world. Sometimes the world really needs saving. Nanny Bridge is always impressed when Granddad arrives in his antique Rolls Royce. It is a mint condition Rolls Royce Silver Dawn, which was a customisation of the Bentley Mark VI, 6 cylinder in-line engine, with a cast iron cylinder block, Stromberg carburettor, single dry plate clutch, and a 4-speed gearbox. It is one of only 110 ever made. She says Granddad must be worth a fortune, and it would be almost worth marrying the old geyser just to have access to his loadsamoney. Granddad would not marry Nanny Bridge. She does not have The Stuff. When I grow up I will drive a midnight black Porche 911 Turbo S Cabriolet, with the 6 cylinder Boxer engine offering 450 bhp with a top speed on 191 miles per hour and 690 Nm maximum torque. 0-82 mph in 4.3 seconds. I know I will drive this because my future self told me when she came back to save the world from an evil time travelling b---- called Madam Symmetry of Synchronicity. At least in one future that’s what I’ll do. Nanny Bridge was quite surprised when she found we were not going to Wilton Manor at Wendel’s Hallow. “Told you to pack a passport, Miss Bridge,” Granddad told her as Jackson took us to Heathrow. Nanny Bridge doesn’t like being called Miss. She is a Ms. I think Granddad only says it to annoy her. We drove past security when Granddad showed them his security card. Not the Lair Legion security card, which is cool because it can become a TV set if you want to talk to Hallie, but the one with the black border signed by the Prime Minister that says Get Out Of This Man’s Way, He’s Probably Saving the Empire or Something. Anyway, the security men got out of his way. Nanny Bridge freaked a bit when she saw us driving onto the tarmac towards the LairJet. I explained to her that she shouldn’t worry as this was a new one, because the last one I was in was blown up in mid-air. LairJets are even cooler than Porche 911 Turbo S Cabriolets. They have 2x2 symmetrically mounted Bautista Enterprises-modified Pratt and Whitney J48-P-8A Turbojet engines and one Bautista Enterprises modified Wakandan TF-Omega Turbofan engine, with a total of 361,000 pounds of static thrust, which means they can climb at 7,900 feet per minute to a service ceiling of 220,000 feet with a maximum level speed at sea level of Mach 2.1. CrazySugarFreakBoy! had come to pilot us. He sort of flipped backwards over the pilot’s chair and bounced over to say “Hi, Samantha!” He kissed my hand as if I was a princess, and then I got the giggles. Then he got the giggles. All the way over to America he told me stories from his Native American ancestors. You’d never guess to see him that CrazySugarFreakBoy! is one of the most important superheroes in the world. Well, I suppose the green and orange silly suit might be a clue, and all the wonderful gadgets like the eerie earring and the gawker goggles and things (I’m not allowed to pierce my ears or anywhere else yet, dad says), but what I mean is he is so friendly and nice. He does really dangerous things and terrible stuff but he always seems like a big kid himself. And he always finds time to send me American comics to read, although my dad says they are Rubbish. I like Brian Hitch’s drawings. It is good that he did the designs on the new Dr Who TV series. Paradopolis is always exciting to see from the air, because it looks like what everybody expects an American city to look like, with lots of high shining towers and futuristic buildings. CSFB! flew us low over Off-Central Park so we could see where they were starting to build the monorail, and to show us the scorched area where Nats had his wedding. Then we went out over the water and landed on Lair Island, which is where the Lair Legion have their Lair Mansion. I guess they like the word Lair quite a lot. Hallie and Lisa were waiting for us when we got out of the LairJet. Lisa might make a good nanny, although probably a very strict one. She is very clever and a bit scary. Visionary told me she was pure evil, but I still can’t see the marks on her forehead where they ripped her horns off. Lisa and Granddad used to Go Out. Mummy said she was a gold-digging trollop, except I was in the room so she spelled it out, because 11-year olds can’t possibly break that kind of complicated code. I wondered if Lisa and Granddad were going to get married, but now I think it was probably just a Sex Thing. I am not supposed to know about Sex either. Adults can be really dumb. Hallie is a computer sentience, which means she is a life form that lives in a virtual data environment. She is Unique. Most of the time she looks like a green lady, but sometimes she can become Muppets if you are feeling unhappy and need cheering up. On Friday Hallie was looking blue. Not unhappy blue. Blue blue. She said it was all to do with Al B. Harper needing kicking round the island. I said I thought the purple streak she’d got down her middle was Very Becoming. Just then the hangar door burst open and Asil rushed in. I shrieked and she shrieked and we jumped into each others arms going, “Yaaaay!!!” Asil is my Granddad’s amanuensis, which means chronicler and secretary and personal assistant, and not what mummy said it meant. I won a prize at school for knowing how to spell amanuensis, but it was only a book about stupid children who thought they saw a UFO. If you see a UFO there are strict procedures you should follow. You don’t just creep on board to have wonderful adventures. That is how people get Dissected. Asil is a clone of Lisa, which means that Lisa’s evil sister (eviller even than Lisa, evidently) took a bit of Lisa’s dandruff and grew Asil. Asil has the power to become any age she wants to, but mostly she chooses to be 18, which is pretty much what most people would probably choose. Asil is sometimes shy, but I don’t think she should be. Asil is very Bright and Vivacious, and she needs to get over the whole clone inferiority thing. I keep telling her that. This was my first visit to the Lair Mansion, so I had to have the big tour. It is a very exciting place, and much bigger than it looks. It has lots of cellars, and Trickshot told me that underneath the cellars are caves that lead to ghoul-tunnels and to sleeping monsters and things. But nobody would let me go check that out, although I will do one day. Trickshot is an archer. He says he is the best archer in the world. I asked him how many Olympic medals he had won, and he said he didn’t do that kiddie stuff. Then he took me to the shooting range and showed me how good he is. He is very good. I liked how all the old Lair Legion villains kept appearing as holograms and he hit all of them. I liked his custard pie arrow. Afterwards he let me try shooting arrows at the Hooded Hood. Trickshot’s bow has a 205 lb pull, and a properly shot arrow from a bow that strong can shatter an engine block. I had to use a 40 lb pull and that made my arms ache. I guess I don’t practise for four hours a day every day when I’m not saving the planet. Trickshot kept calling me “kid”, which usually I do not like, but in Trickshot’s case I think I will make an exception. When he says “kid,” he says it like Humphrey Bogart (sp?) when he talks to Lauren Baccall (sp?) and says, “Here’s looking at you, kid,”, and that is not Talking Down. That is Respect. Asil says that Trickshot is in love with the woman who married then betrayed to death the Trickshot originally from this dimension then went on to become a top international superspy. I guess there are a few things I still need to learn about Adult Relationships. We also visited the laboratories. Visionary warned me not to touch anything with the world “Bautista” on it. He said the safest thing to do was to make sure there were solid objects nearby to jump behind. I met Al B. Harper and he showed me round. He told me the story of why he smokes a bubble pipe. It is very interesting. I asked Al B. Harper why he needed kicking round the island, but he said that was just Hallie in a blue mood. We also went to the records room so Asil could introduce me to the Librarian, but when Asil told him I was Samantha Featherstone, Mumphrey’s granddaughter he just said “Sssh!” He was mending a very ancient book with a tiny pair of tweezers and an even tinier glue brush. We did not disturb him any more. That evening I helped the newest Legionnaire to unpack her things into a guest room at the Mansion. Yuki Shiro is a Private Eye, or Gumshoe, but she does not have a trenchcoat. What she had was a new calfskin leather jacket, which she tried on for me. I really like that jacket. Now I know why I wear one when I am grown up in the future. Yuki did not have many things to unpack, on account of her office and flat being blown up by supervillains. She said there wasn’t much there anyhow. She has been living light ever since her accident when her whole body was destroyed and her brain was put into a cyborg body. She showed me her access ports, which are hidden under her purple hair at the back of her neck. She said that wasn’t at all where Trickshot tried to look for them, and that he is quite aerodynamic for a normal man. Trickshot and Yuki argue because he calls her “babe” and she calls him “witless numbnutted f---wipe”. But then they spotted me listening and stopped saying all the good stuff. De Brown Streak came in to see Yuki while we were working. His real name is Josh Clement and I have his poster on my wall. He is Dreamy. Josh (he says I should call him Josh) spotted me and said, “Hi, who’s this?” and then I went all shy. It was so embarrassing. Why do I do things like this? Why? Josh was there to talk to Yuki about where Yuki should set up her new office. He brought some photos of a rundown-looking place by the waterside, a sort of warehouse with a wooden walk-up office tacked onto the front. “This is the place I talked about, where Banjoooo and spiffy ran their detective agency,” he said. I said I thought it looked kind of seedy and dangerous. Yuki seemed to think those were plus points. She said nobody ever took the interesting cases to firms in clean modern high rises. Josh said spiffy was desperate for someone to take the lease, and it was guaranteed 100% free of any damn beavers. Josh let me play on the LairJet flight simulators and I crashed 14 times. Josh says that is a better record than most of the LL. Later on I saw a strange man all in bandages looking at the table football game that the Americans call foosball. I asked him if he had had an accident and he said yes, he was contaminated by mundane matter. I asked if it hurt, and he said only when he thought about it. He was the Manga Shoggoth. I thanked him for all the DVDs that he had sent me, although mummy never lets me play them. He looked a bit cross at that and glared at Nanny Bridge, who had just got over Flapjack unpacking her things for her. Nanny Bridge didn’t like the way he was seeping out of his suit and ran screaming down the stairs. Nanny Greenwood would have told the Shoggoth to smarten himself up and use a handkerchief. And he’d have done it. I asked the Shoggoth why he was looking at the foosball table, and he said he was trying to work out why humans would do that to other humans, with the metal rod through their shoulders and things. I said it was just plastic models pretending to be footballers. He said that explained Gazzer and David Beckham. Flapjack is funny, by the way. He is the butler and major domo at the Lair Mansion. Major domo means most important housekeeper. Actually right now he is the only housekeeper, but nobody wants to tell me why that is. The other people who work at the Lair Mansion are Asil, Hallie, and a lady called Amber St Clare, who Josh says is a Tool of the Government. Flapjack calls me “Mistress” and he always bows when he sees me. He showed me his collection of limps and lisps. He is really very good, and must practice a lot. He says it is a family tradition, and that if he hadn’t been any good at toadying, fawning, leering, and being disgusting his family would have ripped him apart and distributed the pieces between his cousins. Flapjack showed me the Secondary Monitoring System, which is where he has cut holes in the eyes of some of the portraits so you can stand behind them and watch people. That was how I saw Uhuna crying in the library. Flapjack said that she was unhappy because she Was going to get married to Nats and then she didn’t. He said he couldn’t see how not getting married to Nats would make anybody unhappy. He’d have been buying drinks for everybody he knew if he’d have been let off marrying Nats. But Uhuna was unhappy about it. He said she was sneaking into quiet places and crying all the time, so that nobody would know she was so unhappy. Flapjack suggested that I should accidentally find her and talk to her. “She’s not going to be able to avoid a kid asking questions,” he said. “So ask some good ones.” So I Happened Across Uhuna and I asked her why she was crying. She said she was a little bit blue but not like Hallie was. I asked her why she didn’t cheer herself up by talking to her friends and she said she didn’t have any friends. Everybody thinks she is stupid and selfish. I said I didn’t think people thought she was stupid and selfish. I have heard my Granddad say that she was Very Brave against the Hellraisers, who were Very Bad. And she is always kind when people are hurt, which is when you need people to be specially kind. Uhuna said I couldn’t really understand. I pointed out that I was 11, so of course I couldn’t understand everything, but sometimes I was lonely when mummy and daddy went away. And this autumn I will be going to St Muriel’s, which is a bit scary for me because I will be far away from home on my own. I asked if it was a bit like that for Uhuna. Uhuna cried a bit more and said, yes, it was a bit like that. So I took her hand and said come with me and she followed me and I took her to see Granddad and I said granndad, you should talk to Uhuna she is crying too much. Uhuna was really embarrassed and said “No, Sir Mumphrey, really, I’m fine,” but Granddad made her sit on the settee and said I should run along. But there was a twinkle in his eye that he gets when he thinks I’ve done a Good Thing and he is Proud Of Me. That night Granddad came to tuck me in and tell me a bedtime story. I am 11 now, and I don’t have bedtime stories. But Granddad’s stories are always very interesting, so I humour him. This one was about him and grandma and how they fought a vampire called Count Chompula in Vatican City, and what the Pope said afterwards. It had Gore and Violence and Exploding Vampires. It was Not Suitable for children. It was very good. I asked Granddad if he still missed grandma, because when he talks about her he has a special look on his face that he hardly ever has any other time. He said he missed her every day, and mostly he missed having somebody to pull him up when he was being a Silly Old Fool. I said I would tell him when he was being a Silly Old Fool, or he could ask Asil to let him know. On Saturday I went to Paradopolis with Hatman and CSFB! They took me to the Zero Street Mission and we played basketball, which is like netball but without the net. A lot of very rough boys were there, and I had to hit one on the nose. After that they were Better Behaved. Hatman is a very famous hero, and he used to go out with my great-cousin Whitney. Mummy says Whitney’s mother was born on the wrong side of the sheets because Granddad couldn’t keep his lidibo under control. I think it was romantic, and a very long time ago. I liked it when Hatman went out with Whitney. They made each other happy. Whitney should come back. Hatman is really called Jay Boaz. He is a very busy hero, but he always goes down to the Zero Street Mission to play ball with the boys there. I asked him why, and he said they needed to know that there were heroes, and that everybody could be a hero. I could be a hero. I told him I was planning to be one, and that I had already started learning the supervillains in the Lair Legion’s rogues gallery. He said that put me one up on De Brown Streak. We went for lunch to the Bean and Donut Coffee Bar, and had revithia keftides (these are fried balls made from chickpeas), which Mr Papadapoplis made specially in our honour, with zingara salad. I have not had them before, but they tasted very good. The waitress there is Sarah, and she gave me extra sprinkles on my ice-cream. Sarah was very friendly with Hatman and CSFB! Hatman said that a lot of people go to the Bean and Donut just to see Sarah. I know why. It is not just because she is very pretty. She is able to make everybody feel happy, and wanted, and she makes people think they are good people who can do good things. She believes in them, so they believe in themselves. I think I want to be like that when I grow up. After dinner Yo and Visionary arrived to look after me for the afternoon. Sarah suggested we should look down on the city from the Twin Parody Tower, and then go to the Museum and then look at the Cathedral and then take a ride in Off-Central Park. Yo said that would be to be a wonderfulling way to be spending of the afternoon, and clapped and jumped up and down. So did I. Mr Papadapopolis gave me karpoozee to take and eat on the way. Yo is very funny. She is a pure thought being from Yo-Planet, so she can be a boy or a girl if she wants to be. She can be whatever she thinks she is. She has a rabbit called Rabito. Rabito likes zingara salad. Visionary is not like Lisa said. He does not seem that brain damaged to me. I told him so, and I didn’t laugh when he choked on his coffee. That would have been rude. Some people say Visionary is fake, but I don’t see how that is possible if he was a failed experiment in breeding human-like weasels as Lisa explained. In the park we hired horses to ride. I had a bay gelding called Snowflake, and Yo had a roan called Englehart. Vizh fell off a nice little filly called Darling, but Yo fished him out of the water and helped him get the pondweed off. Later we met Dancer and Donar and we went skating on the ice-rink. Donar is the hemigod of thunder. He is about as big as a truck. He has very curly black hair and he looks very fierce, but he said to me, “Heilsa, maiden, well met,” which is Ausgardian talk, and then he picked me up and we rubbed noses. His beard smells of burning villages. He has a horny helmet. Donar was a bit sad, because his wife and city are missing. I said don’t worry because these things usually turn up, and maybe later there would be smiting. I think that cheered him up a little bit. Dancer is very good at skating. She knew the man taking the tickets so he gave us extra time. In fact Dancer knew nearly everybody we met, and was asking how their children were or how their new job was going. She is able to make everybody feel happy, and wanted, and she makes people think they are good people who can do good things. She believes in them, so they believe in themselves. After that we were going to get some ice-cream and go bowling at Larry’s Bowl-a-Rama but everybody’s comm-cards went off. Hallie appeared on the little TV sets and said to come in as Operation Masquerade was a go, and it was starting right then. Vizh said we had better get a cab but Donar said no, he could always summon his goat chariot, and Yo said those goats are being so cute, and Vizh said really, a cab will be fine, my treat, and Dancer said don’t worry, Vizhster, the chances are you’ll survive. So we had a flying goat chariot ride back to the Lair Mansion. It was brilliant! Vizh says he always gets sick flying goat-air. When we got back to the mansion I saw Mr Epitome for the first time. He looked younger than he does on the telly. He had Glory with him, and she is as nice in person as she is by e-mail. Glory speaks by standing on a translator keypad which translates her paw pushes to human language. I thanked Glory for all the help she gave me when we had homework on Abraham Lincoln. Glory said it was a pleasure because Abraham Lincoln was a favourite of hers. Abraham Lincoln had a dog called Honey, and another one called Fido. In the White House his dog was Jip. Abraham Lincoln was the first President to pardon a turkey at Thanksgiving, because his little boy asked him to. Glory is very educational. She knows many things. Mr Epitome did not say much to me. I think he disapproved of having a Young Person in the Lair Mansion. I thought the Librarian disapproved of me too, but when I went to bed that night I found that he had left me a big stack of books to read, which were pretty good. Granddad explained that the Lair Legion was needed to Fight Evil and Smite the Ungodly. Some of them were already on a Mission. I stood with Hallie and we waved goodbye to Hatman and the Shoggoth as they flew off to Candia. They were supposed to go in 2 days time but because of the stolen uranium they decided to go early to investigate. Yo took Dancer, CSFB!, Donar, Al B. Harper, Mr Epitome, and Glory with her to South America. Yuki was already off Detecting. Granddad had to go to Europe because of some General who had been stomped flat. Hallie said not to worry. She had to go to work now to help the Lair Legion Fight Evil but she had arranged for the Junior Lair Legion to babysit me. I am 11 and do not need babysitting, but I got to meet the Juniors at last! I recognised Fashion Accessory right away, because she looks just like she does on the covers of those teen magazines and on her exercise video. She was all “Why do we have to babysit the Mumphling, eh?”, so I told her that she only had to look after me until they could find a competent adult, and then she got into a snit and the others snickered at her. I think she did not like not being the only Samantha there. I knew Harlagaz right away too. He looks a lot like his dad Donar, except he does not have a beard. He should shave more often though. He is very strong and handsome, and he is kind, like a huge shaggy bear that is very gentle. I expect that when I grow up I will probably marry him. When we told ghost stories with the lights out later Harlagaz had a really good one about the Gjarlenwolves and the Ur-Stalkers. Kerry is very nice. She showed me how to make accelerants out of simple household products. This will be Very Useful Knowledge. Nanny Bridge might not agree, but she was still locked in the toilet and wouldn’t come out. Every so often we would go past and make noises like a Shoggoth. Ham-Boy has done babysitting before. When we told ghost stories he said I might have nightmares. I told him that it was alright because Nanny Greenwood had showed me how to sort them out. I asked Ham-Boy why he always kept his mask on. He said it was because he still had a Secret Identity. Fashion Accessory said it was because he was really ugly. Hacker Nine said that ghosts were just transient ectoplasmic waveforms. He said he had a computer model that predicted and simulated psychic experiences. Then he shrieked a lot because Harlagaz had slipped an ice cube down his sweatshirt. The next morning Hallie helped us coax Nanny Bridge out of the toilet and Flapjack flew us home. He did not let me fly even though I had already practised crashing 14 times on the flight simulators. Nanny Bridge hid in the LairJet toilet and wouldn’t come out until we landed. It was lovely to visit but it is nice to come home again too, even thought I have LairJet lag. Mummy and Daddy freaked as usual when they found out where Granddad had taken me and I am not allowed to tall anybody. If anybody asks I was visiting my uncle in Walthamstowe. I told them that I hadn’t done any proper Fighting Evil or Smiting the Ungodly but they just won’t listen. I am carefully planning my next visit to the Lair Mansion. Now I know what to expect and what the opportunities are I can go Prepared. Next time I will be able to Help Out. I hope Granddad and Asil are alright with the flat General, and that the others can Smite the Ungodly as Saul Smote the Girgasites. Tomorrow I need to inventory the household cleaning fluids we keep here at home. Samantha M. Featherstone Samantha Featherstone (current and future versions) has previously appeared in UT#99: Untold Tales of Nearly Everybody But the Lair Legion: Fragments and #100: Ultimate Untold Tales of the Ultimate Lair Legion. Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2005 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2005 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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