Tales of the Parodyverse

Post By

CrazySugarFreakBoy!
Sun Nov 06, 2005 at 06:56:03 am EST
Subject
#238.5: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: “Breaking the Law, Breaking the Law ...”
Originally
#238: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: Pebbles Before the Avalanche
In Reply To

Because two people in a chat room demanded it... the next chapter from... the Hooded Hood
Sat Nov 05, 2005 at 10:00:00 pm EST
<< Prev In Thread
[ Reply ] [ New ] [ Edit ] [ Email ] [ Print ] [ RSS ] [ Tales of the Parodyverse ]
Next In Thread >>

#238.5: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: “Breaking the Law, Breaking the Law ...”

“So, that seems to be our choice,” concluded Dreamcatcher Kokopelli Foxglove, a.k.a. CrazySugarFreakBoy! “Either we all sign up to get UPC symbols tattooed on our foreheads and Manchurian Candidate programming shoehorned into our skulls, or else we cowboy up for the impending Days of Future Ass-Rape that are looming just over the edge of the horizon. Now, we still have some decent odds on stopping this bullshit noise before it even starts up, but if worst case scenario comes to pass, you better believe I’m going to ground like a goddamned ghost.”

“Not to be one of those people at the party who redirects every conversation in the room to themselves, but I’d like to hear more about all the consequences that your decision to depart could have on our own standing, both as individual parolees and as a government-sanctioned team of superheroes,” checked Elton Healey, a.k.a. the Jujitsu Juggler.

“I’ve already talked with Mr. Book,” Dream clarified. “He basically has my letter of resignation in hand, complete with my signature and a blank space left open for the date. The minute this deal goes south, he has my permission to rubber-stamp that day’s date on the letter, and make our separation official. I don’t want him, Odyssey Opportunities, Pantheon Prodigies or any of you here in the Globetrotting Gangbusters to catch any of the fallout for whatever insane stupidity I might randomly decide to undertake in the name of guerilla warfare. Our occasional shouting matches aside, he’s a good guy who’s never been anything less than straight with me, so I owe it to him to return the favor.”

“In other words, the team itself would still be around, even if you weren’t around to supervise it,” condensed Roy G. Bivolo, a.k.a. the Spectrum Spectre.

“Mr. Book is already auditioning civilians who could step up and fill in for me here,” Dream conceded. “He doesn’t want to risk hiring any other superhumans or costumed crimefighters for the job, just in case The Man’s actions prompt them to opt for the Robin Hood route, too. This team, and this program, will continue to be here for whoever wants to stick around, as long as they agree to conform to whatever new regulations Big Brother Orwell can come up with. If, however, any of you would care to accompany me on my astonishingly ill-advised adventures, I’ve been window-shopping for some hideouts that we could use as potential pirate coves. You don’t have to give your final answers right now, but there is a deadline attached to this decision. You can stay, or you can go, but everyone here has to make that call for themselves. Either way, no harsh judgments and no hard feelings, okay?”

“Well, let’s review those options, then,” considered Ulysses X. Lugman, a.k.a. the Tubby Tachyon. “Being slaughtered like spring lambs for the harvest, or staying alive with a certain number of relative restrictions on our freedom, that still look like a fucking luxury lifestyle from where I’m sitting, compared to the constricting confinement we all experienced during our respective periods of incarceration. You know, call me crazy, but I think I could swallow my pride and stretch out my neck for a tracking collar, under those conditions.”

“As if they could fit one around all of your chins,” countered Frances “Frankie” Oliver, a.k.a. the Wombat Woman. “Unlike you, Mister White-Collar Criminal for the Mob, some of us here only ever became so-called supervillains because we wanted to do what we thought of as being the right thing. The whole reason I joined this outfit in the first place, rather than staying put in the cell where I’d been locked up, was because I saw it as a means of advancing environmental causes without breaking the law. It’s hard enough for me to tolerate it when wild animals are tagged or herded, so how am I meant to stomach it when supposedly sensible human beings propose to do the same thing to one another?”

“If you want to talk about morals, what right do we have to decide for those people that our right to run free outweighs their right to go on breathing?” challenged Lisa Snart, a.k.a. the Roller Rocket. “I’ll be honest, I’ve done the road-to-reform routine before, so I didn’t exactly come into this gig with you all harboring the highest of hopes, but we’ve actually made some significant accomplishments during our time together, and I don’t want to feel like I’m somehow devaluing any of the good I’ve already done by selfishly asserting that the needs of us few here are more important than those of everyone else out there.”

“She raises a reasonable point,” concurred David “Davy” Jones, a.k.a. the Armored Amphibian. “Besides, I’m in no hurry to find myself on the opposite side of a conflict with the military. Even when I was still a supervillain, I always pulled my punches against police officers and non-superhuman soldiers, and instead waited until the ‘white hats’ who wore more colorful costumes finally arrived. I used to wear a uniform myself, back during my Navy days, so I’m not going to fight anyone who’s serving their country. And make no mistake, if we draw this line in the sand, they will declare war on us, and send in the troops to boot.”

“Listen, the rest of y’all can go off and do as you please, but I ain’t inclined to get my synthetic self dismantled, whenever them Men in Black decide it ain’t worth the hassle for them to try and fix whatever ‘tis that they might claim has gone wrong inside of my A.I. brain,” contributed Earl J. Dukeston, a.k.a. the Prefab Prankster. “Y’all seriously think them boys are gonna bother hiring some kind of robot shrink for me, just so they can have themselves a mentally well-adjusted shape-shifting android? Hell, I’ll be lucky if they don’t just rub a degausser across my neural network, to wipe the slate clean and upload a brand-new OS.”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t do this,” confessed Charles “Chuck” Brown, a.k.a. the Kite Knight. “I can’t go on the lam again, spending all of my waking hours checking over my shoulders and worrying that, at any moment, I’m suddenly going to have to trade blows with some square-jawed alpha-male who can barely be bothered to stop laughing at me long enough to bring me in. For the first time in years, I have something approaching a life here. I have a job I enjoy doing, a home and a neighborhood I’m comfortable in, an income I’m earning legally and I can support myself on, and recognition from my friends, coworkers and even the public for the productive contributions I’m making to society. I’m sorry, but I can’t give that up.”

“No need to apologize,” consoled William Tockman, a.k.a. the Clockwork Craftsman. “I’m sure we can all sympathize with your position, not wanting to lose what you’ve gained. I’ve established a loyal clientele as an antique appraiser, in addition to amassing a sizable collection of legitimately acquired antiques of my own, all of which possess a personal significance for me. I’ll hesitate to sacrifice even those relatively minor and material creature comforts, if indeed this impending crisis is unable to be averted.”

“It’s going to be bad, no matter what happens,” predicted Craig Z. Quilty, a.k.a. the Ocular Occultist. “No matter which option any of us chooses, we’re all in for a whole world of hurt. I can’t make out all the details, but I can still see it.”

“Kat?” prompted Leah Wasserman, a.k.a. the Illusion Illustrator, after a pause in the conversation. “I’m sensing there’s something you want to say, as well.”

Katrina Luisa Van Horn, a.k.a. the Lesbian Liberator, sighed heavily and steeled herself to declare the allegiance to which she’d already committed herself. “I’ve spent so much of my life trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations for me. I stayed in the closet and trained for years to compete as a professional skier, all to please my parents, I harmed countless helpless civilians who didn’t deserve it, simply to satisfy the supervillains I served as a hired henchperson, and even when I turned myself in to work here, all I could think to do was what I thought you all wanted from me. A funny thing happened, though, because after a while, I actually came up with a moral code that was all my own. There’s a difference between what’s legal and what’s right, and I believe that being a superhero is about doing what’s right, maybe even when it goes against what’s legal. All I know for sure is, I’m tired of changing myself for everyone else.”

“You don’t have to,” Dream contended. “Mark Mandrill, better known as DJ Druid Druggist, has informed me that his Rogues’ Gallery Go-Go Raves could act as a Temporary Autonomous Zone for at least a handful of us who elect to rogue, and my dad has been meeting with the senior members of his tribal council to investigate the possibility of designating the entire Spokane Indian Reservation as an asylum for conscientious objectors to this policy. Remember, no matter what happens, there’s always another way.”

“Did you get all of that?” Ulysses called into his concealed communicator, once all of the Globetrotting Gangbusters had gone their separate ways, and he was safely out of earshot of his teammates. “Because I expect this errand to earn me some consideration.”

“Yes, Mr. Lugman,” confirmed Herbert P. Garrick, Presidential Advisor on Metahuman Affairs. “You’ll find your 30 coins of silver under your pillow tonight.”


K-Box: Box in the Box



dialup-4.242.48.32.Dial1.Seattle1.Level3.net (4.242.48.32) U.S. Network
Microsoft Internet Explorer 6/Windows XP (1.6 points)
[ Reply ] [ New ] [ Edit ] [ Email ] [ Print ] [ RSS ] [ Tales of the Parodyverse ]
Follow-Ups:

Echo™ v2.4 © 2003-2005 Powermad Software
Copyright © 2004-2005 by Mangacool Adventure