Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike does the tie-in thing
Sun Nov 27, 2005 at 11:13:35 pm EST
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#242.5: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion: Doggerel
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#242: Untold Tales of the Junior Lair Legion: Places That We Should Not Go
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The Hooded Hood tackles a new UT readership low
Sat Nov 26, 2005 at 08:01:16 am EST
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Untold Tales of the Lair Legion #242.5: Doggerel



Mr. Epitome flipped over the statue of William Makepeace Thackeray that was the center of Nocetti Square and caught one of Hammer Toss’s mallets. The missile was then used by the Paragon of Power to shatter the looking glass that had been used to enlarge several testy hermit crabs to Brobdingnagian stature.

“Nice work, ‘Pitty!” CrazySugarFreakBoy! cheered as the colossal crustaceans that bedeviled him returned to their normal size, “Now I can stop Mirror Maiden from turning her Funhouse Ray on every contestant in the Miss Paradopolis Beauty Pageant! Like so!!” The Legionnaire Wonder hurled a gob of Combat Candy at the Glasgow Glazier’s intricately constructed metaweapon.

“Aw, I was goin’ to put the kibosh on that part of the plan by gummin’ up the whatzis with my Taffy Arrow,” Trickshot objected as he stood on the dais amongst the contestants. Instead he fired a Glass Cutter Arrow in order to slice a hole in the reflective armor of Mirror Maiden. The women cooed appreciatively.

“Morons,” Dominic Clancy muttered, though if he meant Maiden and her fellow rogues in the Fearsome Foes, their targets, or his teammates he gave no hint. He simply grabbed Hammer Toss by the front of his costume and punched him through a brick wall.

“Fools!!” Doctor Spin twisted his way up to the stand and flung several folding chairs at Trickshot, “We are not beaten yet!”

Carl Bastion winked at the crowd and shot down nearly every projectile hurled his way, “Oof!” he grunted as one of the chairs struck him in his midsection.

The Villainous Vortex crowed in triumph before gesturing at the approaching CSFB!. The Foeman’s ability to cause objects to spin at cyclonic velocities took hold of the Wired Wonder.

“Wwwwhhhhhooooooooo! Wwwwhhhaaaattttt aaaaaaaa rrrrrrruuussssshhhhhh!”

Meanwhile, Epitome was squaring off with the newest member of the Foes.

Armand Braithwaite, the Spring Loaded Man, extended one of his powerful arms and scored a solid punch to the Man of Might.

“Yeah! Not so easy now, is it- urk!” Braithwaite suddenly lost his footing, as CrazySugarFreakBoy! snagged the villain with his Silly String. Spring Loaded Man found himself being reeled towards CSFB!.

“Jeez, Braithwaite! Get out of the way!” Doctor Spin screeched to the Foeman as he and his wildly gesticulating limbs were sucked into the Day-Glo whirlwind.

Epitome shut Spin up by dropping a bank of klieg lights on him. That just left Mirror Maiden, who attempts to escape were thwarted by a Lasso Arrow.

“Trying to turn these babes inta sideshow freaks was kind of dumb, when ya reflect on it,” Trickshot hog-tied the villain and chuckled at his own pun. The contestants clapped and laughed.

Dominic Clancy tossed aside the broken debris to get to Doctor Spin, “You know, no matter what Trickshot has told you, he’s not one of the judges,” he told them.

“Hey, don’t listen to him; Stripesy there don’t know who B’rer Trickshot really is behind the mask—wait! Come back!”

The American Archetype smiled to himself and made his way over the cocoon of mucilage and malefactor that CSFB! was squirming free of. Epitome offered his hand and yanked the grinning hero from the tangle.

“Thanks. Hey! We need to talk,” Dream blurted, as if the time he spent in thousands of RPMs had jogged his memory.

“And spoil the moment? Let’s not.”

“Glory came to talk to me about sex.”

Dominic blinked, “What?”

“Yeah. She wanted some advice. I thought you should know.”

“Sex? Whu-why?” his face darkened, “What did you say to her?!”

Dream shrugged and sat on the twisted knotted mound that was the Spring Loaded Man, “Wasn’t much I could tell her. If Glory was like Comet the Superhorse and could turn into a hot teenage girl or something-“

Dominic’s clenched his fists, “Foxglove, I swear if you humiliated Glory I’ll crush your skull.”

“Nice. With an attitude like that it’s amazing she didn’t come to you with such a delicate personal problem,” the Wired Wonder’s eyes narrowed. When Epitome relaxed his stance he continued, “But she can’t do that. Glory’s a dog, with dog urges, but her brain is so advanced she can’t really relate to other dogs emotionally or intellectually. If you can get past your embarrassment over the situation you’d be able to see how incredibly frustrating that is for her.”

Dominic folded his arms, “I have thought about… that topic, actually,” he stated with some petulance.

“And what have you told Glory about sex?” CSFB! asked.

“I said I thought about it.”

Dream snorted, “Way to step up, Epitome, and help out a friend. Look, normally I wouldn’t narc on Glory like this, but I thought you needed to know. Hell, maybe you can offer her some insight I couldn’t think of. You somehow manage to get hot, smart, exciting women to knock boots with you, despite your obvious dickbaggery.”

The Star Spangled Splendor smirked again, “Perhaps it’s because of my… whatever that is you said,” he paused, “I appreciate you coming to me with this information.”

“Yeah, well,” CSFB! hopped down from the now squirming Spring Loaded Man and headed over to where the beauty pageant contestants had treed Trickshot, “Just don’t make me regret it.”

*****


“How are the ribs, Glory?” Dominic asked as he sat down at the kitchen table with his own plate of barbecue.

The Dog Dynamo chewed the meat and bone enthusiastically, “They are delicious. Thank you for cooking them for me.”

“You’re welcome,” Epitome cut into his steak before getting down to business, “I spoke to Fox- to CSFB! earlier. He said you had come to him with questions about, ah, relationships.”

Glory’s ears pricked up in alarm, “Oh!”

Dominic worked quickly to calm any fears the dog may have had, “I’m not upset, Glory. I know I’m not the easiest person to discuss personal issues with.”

“That is not true. You are very busy and there is the matter of losing so much of your memories. I did not want to bother you with something so trivial,” Glory prevaricated in her own unique language of growls and body movements.

Dominic shook his head, “You’re my best friend, Glory. If something matters to you it matters to me.”

Glory went over to lick Epitome’s hand, “That is very nice to hear.”

The Paragon of Power smiled and scratched the Border collie on the snout, “So, uh, do you have any questions?”

“Questions? About sex?”

“Er, yes. That. Or romance. Or dating.”

Glory cocked her head and pondered a moment, “I have not considered dating that much. That is something humans do, not dogs; except for Lady and the Tramp, but that is just a cartoon and as such has no basis in real life. Romance would seem to be inapplicable as well.”

“Right. Then, uh,” Dominic took a long pull from his beer, “Sex, then?”

Glory wagged her tail, “Oh, yes. I have several questions about sex.”

“Great.”

“But if you do not mind, I think I will wait until I pose them. It is a very baffling topic, and I would like some time to order my thoughts.”

“Great!” Dominic said with much more enthusiasm than he did previously, “I mean, that’s very sound strategy.”

“Thank you,” the Pooch of Power went back to scarfing down her meal. Epitome watched her eat and decided to make something clear.

“I don’t want you to feel that you have to come to me with these questions, if you are uncomfortable doing so.”

“I understand.”

“There are others you could go to discuss… intimate relations with. Just not Foxglove. Or his mother. Or Miss Apple.”

Glory looked at her friend expectantly.

“Miss Waltz, too, probably is not one you want to discuss such matters with. Trickshot. Certainly not Flapjack.”

“Certainly not.”

Dominic continued while eating his steak, “I suspect the Manga Shoggoth would be as nonplussed about the topic as you are. And stay away from that Chinese girl that is part of his coterie.”

“L-I-U X-I,” Glory spelled the elementalist’s name out.

“Yes. Liu Xi. Um, and Visionary as well.”

“Visionary would seem to be an excellent source of information about sexual intercourse,” Glory noted.

“Just because a person can tell time doesn’t mean he knows how to make a watch,” Dominic countered.

“I see. What about Yo?”

The big man had to contemplate that question, “That’s… I don’t… hm. I guess if s/he thought s/he was an expert on, uh, the subject….”

“Yo does spend a great deal of time around bunnies, which have a natural, though comically exaggerated proclivity for sex,” Glory pointed out helpfully.

“Yes. Indeed,” Epitome picked at his cole slaw.

Glory licked her lips clean of barbecue sauce, “May I be excused, please? The AKC Finals are on tonight.”

The fact that Glory was an avid viewer of televised dog shows suddenly took on new meaning for the Exemplary Man, “Of course. Have a good time.”

“Thank you.”

Glory bused her plate to the sink before loping off to their room at the mansion. Dominic sighed deeply and rubbed his temples.

If he ever had a conversation like this in the past, he was glad to have forgotten it.


Footnotes:

The Fearsome Foes are a quartet of costumed villains who Mr. Epitome fought early in his career. A group of Silver Age throwbacks hopelessly out of their depth when going up against a no-nonsense crimefighter like Epitome. Their only appearance was wayyyyy back in Mr. Epitome #4, where they broke out of prison and tried to kill the Paragon of Power. Coincidentally, that episode is also introduces the reader to Glory.

Armand Braithwaite, the Spring Loaded Man fought Mr. Epitome and Yo in the story “Springing Into Action.” He was quickly defeated by the pair. Now he uses his hyper extending limbs and torso as a member of the Fearsome Foes, replacing Kelvin, who was badly mauled by Glory back in Mr. Epitome #4. He retired from the villain game after Epitome reattached his severed arm and provided him with a prosthetic hand to replace the one the Dog Dynamo chewed to a bloody pulp.



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