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Post By The Hooded Hood notes that this storyline seems to naturally require every chapter to be flaming long! Fri Dec 30, 2005 at 12:09:50 pm EST |
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#247: Untold Tales of the Junior Lair Legion: Monster House | |
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| #247: Untold Tales of the Junior Lair Legion: Monster House Previously: The Order of the Observing Eye is holding its annual trials for promising young super-types, and this year has inveigled the Junior Lair Legion to participate. Other teen-teams such as the New Battlers and Young Heckfire have also joined in for their own sinister reasons. Meanwhile the Legion hunt the attacker of Laurie (Lisette) Leyton, seeking information from the diabolical Dr Moo, young archer Artemis agrees to go undercover to infiltrate the Observing Eye, and behind a hidden door in the basements of the Lair Mansion, elementalist Liu Xi Xian encounters sorcerer supreme Xander the Improbable. A cast list of the Junior teams is available here. Other cast and locations are at Who's Who in the Parodyverse and Where's Where in the Parodyverse. Previous chapters are found on The Hooded Hood's Homepage of Doom. The jungle canopy was dense and dark, and the virgin rainforest was a tangle of leaves and briars. Harlagaz ripped aside massive root systems and cleared a space so the Juniors could reassemble. “Okay, where are we?” Fashion Accessory asked with distaste, looking at the untamed wilderness around her. “And where can we find a cappuccino?” “I’m not getting any radio signals,” H9 worried, jabbing at his datapad. “We’re in some kind of shielded location.” “On Earth,” Glory told them, peering through the gaps in the forest ceiling to the starry night above. “Near the equator. I’m getting some very unusual scents.” “Did she say we were on Sol III?” asked Ohanna. The Caphan was adept with languages. “It’s very like the tropical zones of Lysaada.” Kiivan pulled his plas gar honour sword and looked around the unfamiliar environment. “Is this where we are supposed to undertake the Order of the Observing Eye’s trial?” he wondered. “Hacker Nine cried out that somebody was interfering with the transportation signal.” “That’s right,” agreed Zack Zelnitz. He forced himself to stop hyperventilating at the thought of not being connected to a world wide web and used the limited resources of his datapad to examine the readings he’d picked up. “There was a second set of instructions being laced into the teleport beam. But I don’t think it was a diversion.” “What then?” frowned Kerry. “And what have I just stepped in?” “I don’t have the equipment here to do a proper diagnostic,” H9 answered. “Of the interference I mean. You just trod in a steaming pile of poo.” Ham-Boy looked unhappy at this. “Is it still warm, Kerry? That means something just, um, placed it. Something really big.” Harlagaz Donarson sniffed the pile and looked upwards to where there were unmistakable signs of the deposit having dropped from above the treeline. “Tis best we move from this placeth and find a high point wherein we canst see yon enemies and smiteth them,” he advised. “Fine,” agreed Fashion Accessory. She negligently created Kerry a clean set of boots, then used her ability to control fabrics to hoist Ham-Boy up through the forest canopy to get a good look round. “Not through the area where the crap fell!” screamed the world’s meatiest hero. “Sorry,” Samantha Bonnington apologised. “What do you see?” Fred Harris floated over the thick green roof of the rainforest and looked around. “It’s an island. I’m no good as estimating distances. Maybe ten miles across? Mostly jungle, but I see lakes, maybe swamps. There’s a big dead volcano rising up in the middle of the land.” “Dead,” muttered Kerry, still frowning. “Right.” “Is there any sign of our enemies?” called Kiivan. “Is there any sign of the coins we have to collect to prevail in this exercise?” asked Ohanna. She was better able to keep her mind on the objective. “Is there any sign of advanced technology I could use to implement our plan?” shouted Hacker Nine. “No, no, and no,” called back Ham-Boy. “But there does appear to be a swarm of giant moths with claws flying up towards me. Er… help!” The Dairy Queen in Des Moins was usually fairly quiet around ten in the morning. The only customer was a guy dressed like a truck driver and a pretty teenage hitch-hiker he’d come in with. “What’ll you have?” asked the waitress. “I’d like a sarsaparilla, please,” the girl asked eagerly. “Can you put a cherry on the top? Oh, and some chocolate chip cookies. And a clone, if you have one.” “A what?” “A clone,” said Asil. “You know, an artificially-gestated genetic replica? Like me?” The robo-waitress ground to a halt and the back wall of the restaurant ground open. “All right,” sighed Oiad, a cloned version of the diabolical Dr Moo. “What do you want?” “You’re under arrest,” Asil told her. “For being a medium-sized cow and a wicked offspring of a wickeder villainess.” “I don’t think those are actually charges,” Hatman admitted. “So far we haven’t been able to find a chain of evidence that would lead us to be able to arrest this clone.” “Right,” Oiad smirked. “Arrest her for being a doody-head!” “That’s not actually an imprisonable offence in Iowa,” Hatman explained. “If it was, we’d have to arrest a whole bunch of people,” agreed CrazySugarFreakBoy! from right behind Oiad’s shoulder. The distraction had worked beautifully. “Hi. We’re looking for your genetic donor. Tell us what you know or the pastries get it!” The C-Class of the Federal Metahuman Resource Centre tumbled out of their teleport into a swamp. There was a splash as Semi-Transparent Lad overbalanced and went into the water. “Defence Formation Fourteen!” called out Teen Avenger, adopting a battle crouch with focussed vigilance. “Um, which was that one again?” asked Billy Goat. “I think it was the triangle shaped one,” offered the Human Zamboni. “Does it have a designated person for pulling people out of quicksand?” demanded STL acidly. “Because if so I vote for that one.” “I got you, dude. Don’t struggle,” Psi-Lance told his muddy teammate. “Boy, this stuff smells bad.” Dreama Gardner was looking around her with an odd expression, ignoring the antics of the group. “This place is mystically active,” she sensed, running her hands over a rotted tree bole. “There’s great power here, waiting to be awoken.” “Well let’s keep it sleeping for now, shall we?” the Masked Muskrat suggested. “Let’s just…” “Can you sense where these mystic forces are hottest?” asked Teen Avenger. Dreama concentrated for a moment. “Over in those ancient pre-human ruins, maybe?” she shrugged. “The Observing Eye might have left some of those coins in there,” admitted Billy Goat. “Or it could be a trap.” “Why don’t we send Semi-Transparent Lad in there to check?” suggested Dreama Gardner. “Good idea,” agreed Teen Avenger. “With his stealth abilities he’s the least likely to…” “I just mean it wouldn’t matter if he died,” Dreama explained. The Observing Eye’s headquarters was like a monastery as drawn by M E Escher. Huge stone columns and winding stairways twisted with no respect for gravity or perspective. The brown-habited brothers glided along moebus paths with no apparent discomfort. Artemis wished the tour had come with a sick bucket. “The Order venerates the genius of a great man,” Goombor explained. “Nobody knows the true origin of Wilbur Parody, but in his lifetime he became the only being ever to hold all three of the principal cosmic offices of Shaper, Chronicler, and Destroyer.” “I think I was sick the day we covered metaconceptual beings,” Charlotte Ouk shrugged. “There was a mayor of Paradopolis called that though. They named the city after him.” “The same man. Usually when a cosmic office holder retires he is stripped of the special insights reserved only for the Triumverate. Parody devised ways of preserving that knowledge for his later use by inscribing three books, one for each office.” “So he was a cheat, right?” “He was a visionary.” “He was fake?” “One of those great repositories of knowledge, his prophecies of what is to come, was gifted to the brothers who founded our Order,” Goombor went on. “With that power, and with technologies we salvaged from the Second Oldest Race, we set out on our great destiny, instruments of the narrative of the Parodyverse.” “You decided to find and train heroes,” Artemis summarised. “Not just heroes. We seek to create all those beings mentioned in the Prophecies, for good or ill. We seek to ensure that when the last days come, when the Resolution War begins, the pieces will all be in place. Thus we attempt to serve the purpose for which the Parodyverse was created, and to increase the chance that life will survive the torments of the great test.” Charlotte looked down at the bustle. Down on the flagstones dozens of young men were practicing with long sticks that flared energies from the tips. Across and sideways from here telepaths levitated round an ornamental fountain. Somewhere below and behind her a cadre of talented Skunk podlings were being put through their first metatransformations. “You’ve stepped up operations,” she noted. “The Parody Master has come,” Goombor proclaimed. “He is one of the signs. The conflict will not be long to start.” “And now you want to give me Superheroing 101?” “There is an archer mentioned in the prophecies,” the monk admitted. “Many have assumed it to be the Legionnaire Trickshot, but others view him as frivolous and irrelevant, so we are seeking others more worthy of a place in the events of destiny.” “That does it,” Trickshot fumed from his place shrunken to insect size in Artemis’ quiver. “I’m activatin’ the regrowth canister an’ kicking me some Observin’ Eye butt!” “You’re doing nothing of the sort,” Yuki Shiro told him. “It’s your plan. Stick with it.” “I’m just bein’ frivolous and irrelevant, like the bozo said.” “And annoying and dumb too. But we need to stay hidden until we find out more.” The cyborg P.I. sighed. “What I don’t understand is how such a dumb guy came up with a plan that only works as long as he’s in close bodily contact with me so my stealth mesh can hide us both from the scanners.” “There’s dumb an’ dumb, darlin’” the irritating archer smirked. “You realise you’d be invisible to the scanners if you didn’t have life signs as well?” Yuki offered. Goombor led Artemis off towards the recruitment terrace. The New Battlers splashed down in the shallows of a bay at the root of a jagged sheer cliff. “Darn!” swore L’il Buttie. “Salt water stains are really difficult to get out of black fabrics. And I just ironed this tuxedo.” “Get a grip, butler-boy,” snarled Lounge Lizard, growing a pair of wings to lift himself out of the water. “Where the hell did we end up?” Boy Wonder checked a gadget on his utility belt. “We’re in a shielded location, so we’re not picking up GPS. From the stars I’d say we were at around a latitude of 37 degrees east, just above the Tropic of Cancer, longitude maybe 135 say. That’d put us south of the Korea Straight, maybe… Monstrous Isle?” “W-where?” Hatkid worried, unconsciously doing his best Shaggy impression. “I’m sure Tim’s dying to show off and brief us all about it,” Wyrm Bait contributed. “And it’s so rare that you’re actually briefed these days,” her brother Lounge Lizard smirked. Thunderstroke looked around. “Maybe we should do this after we get out of the water before those fins reach us?” E-Male looked at the rapidly approaching, alarmingly huge fins. “No. Kill them here, Stroke. We have business to do. Wonder, check whether the device worked. Buttie, make the dog puke.” “Me?” objected L’il Buttie. “Why do I…?” “You wanted the pet, you take care of it,” growled Rico Torino. “Stick your Jarvis-cosmic powered hand down Ripper’s throat, grab his tonsils, and have him puke up that tech we concealed there from the Observing Eye’s scanner stuff.” “And what if I get my arm bitten off? Ripper’s not known for his good temper.” “Then we’ll have to get Hat-Kid to try.” “Monstrous Island,” Boy Wonder briefed, “Kaibutsu Shima in the local dialect…” “Just the essentials,” Wyrm Bait scowled. “I didn’t drop out of school to get lectures from you instead.” “Not with all those pool hall guys so willing to teach her what she wanted to know,” added Lounge Lizard. “Okay, now there’s more of the shark-things,” Thunderstroke called. “I think their mother’s coming.” “The Celestians, this uber-powerful cosmic race that experimented with life on Earth and made the Austernals and the Deviates, left behind some of their genetic alteration devices,” Boy Wonder tried again. “The Abhumans got hold of one and used it to create creatures that could help them in their war with the Deviates. This island is the base where the machine was once kept, and where the failures were set loose to roam.” “Eee. I’ve got warhound spew all over me now!” objected L’il Buttie. “That’s going to stain too!” “Have you retrieved the over-ride equipment our patron provided for us?” demanded E-Male. “Yeah.” “A really large amount of shark-finned big-toothy things,” pointed out Thunderstroke. “Then we can get on with killing everybody and pick up our fee,” E-Male concluded. “You were waiting for me?” Liu Xi Xian asked the sorcerer supreme of the Parodyverse. “Yes.” “How long have you been hiding behind that mysterious door in the Lair Mansion’s cellar?” Xander the Improbable checked his wristwatch. “About ten minutes.” “And you want to show me something?” “Yes. It’s time you received a little more training in your elemental gifts. Power is all very well, but there’ll always be something or someone more powerful than you are. So you need to have skill and experience too.” That made sense to the troubled young woman. “What’s this stairway?” she asked. “It’s one of the old trackways from the time this was an active temple to the Dreaming Celestian,” the master of the mystic crafts answered. “Fascinating historical artefact, really. There should be tours. Mind the skeletons as you come down the stairs.” “Skeletons?” “Oh, there are all kinds of traps and guards to destroy the unwary,” Xander shrugged. “Parody Island is defended. Surely you’ve worked that out by now.” “Marie…” “The banshee, yes. And the hologram these days. And the time spectres, and the wall of boredom, and the futility drones and all the rest. But really they’re just the symptoms. The cause is that this place is still wired in to the source of Celestian power, and it can draw upon infinite energies to protect itself from cosmic level threats.” “All those power streams I perceived.” “Those are the upper manifestations, yes,” agreed the sorcerer. “But that’s just power. We’re here about skill and experience. You needs to understand.” “Where are we going, then?” “We have a couple of stops on the way,” Xander explained to his companion. “And then we’re off to see the Parody Master.” Young Heckfire appeared in the cave systems beneath the island. As Falconne activated her searchlight they saw that the cavern walls were covered in white crystal. “Where are we?” Lindy Wilson asked in hushed tones. Everyone naturally turned to Blatant Genius, who was examining a set of readouts on his wrist monitor. “Monstrous Island,” he replied with a shrug. “There was always a 16.2% chance the tests would be set there.” “Oh great,” Alpha Dude snorted. “I hate big slobbering giant lizards, you know? Why didn’t we get Amazon Isle? I could have so aced a trial on Amazon Isle.” “Where we are doesn’t matter,” Lord and Master interrupted. “All that matters is the mission.” “Sure,” agreed Falconne. “We have to find these coins…” “The real mission,” Black Princess smirked. “The need-to-know mission.” Crapsack looked even more puzzled than usual. “Mission? Crapsack did not know about a mission.” “My point exactly,” Stacy Royale replied. “Denial, did you successfully shield the teleport gateway components from detection?” “I denied the Observing Eye sensors,” agreed Danny Lyle. “Those things are powerful, by the way.” “Just so long as my components got here safely,” Blatant Genius said, pushing his team-mates aside and pulling the satchel off Crapsack’s sticky back. “Give me a couple of hours and I can have this thing assembled. Then all we need to do is to locate and neutralise the defensive barrier around this place and we’ll have a fully operational dimensional portal right here.” “Hey wait!” Lindy Wilson called out. “I thought we were here for this trial, to test ourselves against the other teams?” “Yeah, right,” snorted Privilege with a high-pitched giggle. “So we can win a cup.” “We’re looking at the bigger picture, Lindy,” Danny Lyle explained. “We couldn’t tell you before because we know you still have a few old loyalties to the Junior Lair Legion. But we’ve made a deal.” “A deal? What deal? A deal with who?” Denial pointed to the framework that Blatant Genius was assembling. “A deal to deliver up all the little heroes on this island. We open up a dimensional portal to let through… well, to let someone through, and we’re all exempted from needing to take Obedience Brands.” “Brands? You’re working with the government?” Black Princess sniffed. “The Heck-Fire Club practically is the government, you silly little girl. But in this case we’re working with the one who’s pulling the strings behind the government.” She pointed to the device that Rupert van Meer was assembling. “We’re delivering this island and everyone on it to the Parody Master.” “You’re clear on the mission parameters, what?” Mumphrey demanded of Yo and the Librarian. “Absolutely,” agreed Lee Bookman. “We’re on a reconnaissance and diplomatic mission. We don’t engage the enemy.” “Unless we see them,” suggested A.L.F.RED, the Lunar Public Library’s robotic major-domo and security system. He was sitting behind the wheel of the Librarian’s Galactibus. “We do not engage the enemy,” Lee Bookman insisted. “Do not to be worrying, cute-Mumph!” Yo grinned at the leader of the Lair Legion. “Yo is sure we are to be finding out who is to be goodies and who is to be baddies working for uncute Parody Master. Yo is sure we are to be recruiting many of our friends from Transworld Challenge to be helping of us to fight of uncute archvillain.” The pure thought being glanced at the Librarian and his robot. “Yo is sure many of them will be wanting to be killing of us.” “Godspeed then,” Sir Mumphrey Wilton told them. “Be as careful as you can be. And bring me back a coalition.” He watched the battered Galactibus taxi away along the Lair Island runway until it vanished above the clouds. “Did I just hear the Librarian leaving?” Amber St Clare asked Mr Epitome. “Yep. That was Yo and Bookman heading off to recruit allies for when we have to take on the Parody Master. “Really,” noted Amber. “Very interesting.” “Giant moth monsters,” complained Ham-Boy as Fashion Accessory repaired his uniform. “We’re on the planet of giant moth monsters.” He eyed Samantha Bonnington warily. “Don’t add a bunny tail to my ham-suit this time.” “As if,” replied FA, hastily erasing the kick me motif appliquéd on HB’s backside. “It’s not the planet of the giant moth monsters,” Glory woofed. “This must be Monstrous Isle, where the giant monsters that the Abhumans once created run wild.” “It’s Monstrous Isle,” confirmed Hacker Nine. “Now I know what I’m looking for I can pick up hundreds of enhanced bio-traces. Thousands.” “Most excellent,” enthused Harlagaz. “Let the monster-slaying begin for the nonce.” “They’re not important,” Kerry pointed out. “What’s important is to win the completion and find the Observing Eye control technology that’s trying to watch us do it.” “But ‘tis no harm if we smite a few monsters on the way?” the demihemigod of thunder checked in hurt tones. “There is no point being sent to a place called Monstrous Island and not hunting a few monsters,” reasoned Kiivan of Caph. H9 kept on pushing at his sensors. “Um, I’m tracking you as a monster from the island too, FA,” he admitted. “That’s because my powers are patterned on some of those of the Austernals,” Samantha sniffed. “The same technology that made the monsters made the Abhumans, and the Austernals before them.” “How didst thou comest across yon technology to be made an honourary Austernal, milady?” wondered Harlagaz. “The Hooded Hood arranged it,” FA said shortly. “Ah, that would explain it,” agreed Ohanna. “My master does many things like that.” “You got your powers from the Hood?” Zack admired. “That is so cool.” Samantha wasn’t impressed. “Really. Look at what he gave me. Fabric control.” “That is a very great power if you use it properly,” Glory pointed out. “Did the disruption we entered into the Observing Eye’s monitor systems at the hotel work?” asked Kiivan. “Are we invisible to their trackers now?” “Partly,” H9 replied. “I think they’re still getting vitals and lifesigns and stuff, but not video or audio. They’re watching us picnicking on the beach. That Hallie does great simulations.” “How shall we locate these coins now that we are here?” Ohanna wondered. “Can your datapad scan for minerals?” “Doesn’t have the range,” Zack Zelnitz replied. “But if we could find the control systems that the Abhumans plugged into the island to keep the monsters here I could maybe amp it up and get a reading.” “That’s got to be in the big mountain over there.” Kerry pointed out. “Let’s move, guys and girls.” “Kerry Shepherdson is leading us towards a big inactive volcano,” Ham-Boy worried. “Oh crap.” Fortunately, that was when the flying monkeys swarmed down to kill them. “So how’s it going?” Dancer asked Al B Harper as Amy put out the latest console fire. “Keep dancing,” the archscientist suggested. “We could really use some high-end probabilities here.” The main transwarp overbus exploded in a spectacular shower of fireworks. “You know how much those things cost?” demanded Miss Framlicker. “I sure hope Badripoor’s line of credit can stand it.” Lisa Waltz peered into the smoke-filled EEE laboratory. “Is this a bad time?” she wondered as Amy Aston reached for another canister of foam. “Little bit,” agreed Al B., frantically rewiring the workstation in front of him. “We’re trying to grab Donar, spiffy, and Caveguy back from Olympus. We’ve got turbulence.” “I hope they moved their seats to an upright position then,” Lisa agreed. “What kind of turbulence?” “Dimensional turbulence,” Dancer replied as she did a merry little watusi. “Apparently it shouldn’t be there.” There was a mind-chilling slurping noise and the Manga Shoggoth oozed out of a wound in timespace to plop on the floor. “Interesting,” he noted as he seeped underfoot. “How interesting?” demanded Miss Framlicker. “I went and examined the area of instability,” the Shoggoth answered. “It seems as though Olympus has been destroyed.” “Destroyed?” Lisa frowned. “How? And what about the big guy? And Caveguy. And, y’know, spiffy?” “My best estimate is that Olympus resisted one of those transportation spheres that have previously been used to abscond with Wakandybar, Austernia, and Ausgard. The stress of the energies was quite destructive.” “The Parody Master attacked Olympus?” Dancer gasped. “He seems to require a foothold in the Mythlands,” the Shoggoth noted. “Right. Enough of this,” scowled the first lady of the Lair Legion. “I summons Donar, Caveguy, and spiffy here. Now!” Every remaining device in Al’s lab shorted out at the surge of energy. Dancer caught Lisa as she toppled to the ground. But there was a bright flash and four figures appeared on the mesh floor of the transfer grid. “Are you alive?” Amy asked Donar, spiffy, Caveguy and Elsqueevio (latterly the acting ruler of Olympus). “Hooga,” moaned Caveguy. “Okay, dimensional travel’s getting a bit dangerous now,” Al B. estimated. “We’ll need to raise our rates,” Miss F agreed. “You will,” Lisa admitted, staggered to her feet as the others helped the travellers up. “That’s what I called to tell you all.” She turned to Al. “We have a court date. For determination of the status and ownership of Yuki.” She handed the papers over to the scientist. Al B clenched his bubble pipe in his teeth. “Isn’t that the day before the US1066 vote?” he asked. “You think it’s a coincidence?” spat the amorous advocatrix. “I think not!” The giant robot battled the giant lizard, exchanging remote missile fire and nuclear phlegm. Then at the last moment, as the two were locked together in close wrestling, Bishounen called out “Giant Robot Six… Transform!” The huge automaton clicked apart into six separate combat units. Goman Hashimoto in Aka Tombo, the Red Dragonfly, kept right on pounding the lizard’s chest. Tei-Chan and Maki-Chan, the Cho Cho Futago, the Butterfly Twins, piloted their pink and lavender flying vehicles up to circle the creature’s head. Moyashi and O-Zuno dropped down to undermine the creature’s feet. That set up KimuShin in the Bishounen command unit to deliver the knock out shock that toppled the mighty reptile. “Good work!” called the leader of the team, sliding back his reflective face-panel to show his handsome grinning features. “Top marks everyone. And well done Hideo for working out that this creature had coins inside it. Go get them out, Goman.” Aka Tombo looked up rebelliously. “Why me?” he demanded. “Why do I have to crawl down a monster’s throat?” “You could always go up the other way, Goman-San,” giggled young Masa-Kun. But just then there was a disturbance in the clearing. Two ragged survivors staggered out of the undergrowth. “Help us!” the green-skinned girl cried. “It’s right behind us!” called the blonde American one. Bishounen took one look at the bloody, ragged, terrified girls then leaped into action. “Cho Cho Futago, aerial search. Aka Tombo, O-Zuno, defensive perimeter. Aoyashi, area scan. I’ll save the girls!” “As usual,” noted Teiko Yamasaki to her twin sister. Giant Robot Six sprang into action. As the others prepared to fight whatever was coming, KimoShin propelled his bright blue battle armour over to the damsels in distress. “Thank you,” the green-skinned girl said, brushing his handsome cheek through his open face-plate. “Sucker.” And suddenly Bishounen was filled with the greatest terror he’d ever experienced. The world was filled with monsters, and five of them were nearby. He didn’t see his team-mates, only five armoured horrors about to kill him. He opened fire. “That should distract them,” noted Lord and Master with satisfaction as Giant Robot Six scattered in disarray. It was he whose psychotropic sweat had crippled KimuShin, beneath Black Princess’ illusions. “Van Meer, have you worked out how to over-ride their playsuits?” “Call me Blatant Genius. I’m working on it.” “Too slow,” Denial told the intense inventor. “Fortunately, their firewalls can’t resist you.” And suddenly Rupert van Meer was in. “Shutting off all power to their combat suits now,” he reported. Some of the suits toppled from a fair height. Falconne rose up and caught the Butterfly Twins before their fall could kill them. “Showing weakness?” mocked Privilege. “If the objective is to gather as many subjects for the Parody Master as possible, she’s showing common sense,” pointed out Dany Lyle. “Crapsack will peel them out of their pretty suits,” Gnudier Lokotowicz declared. “I’ll help,” agreed Jason Conner. “Er, I’ll just start with these twins that Lindy rescued.” “Grow up,” Falconne told him. “We just disable their suits and leave them here, okay? Without their powers they’re useless, and we’re supposed to be finding and shutting down whatever barrier prevents long-range teleports and dimension travel and stuff.” “But there’s no reason we shouldn’t have a little fun first, is there?” Lord and Master leered wiping his hands across the captives’ faces. “We are experiencing technical problems,” reported Goombar of the Observing Eye. “Technical problems?” Visionary worried. “What kind of technical problems.” “We no longer have visual or audio contact with the trainees in the trial,” admitted the monk. “No video?” whined Roni Y Avis. “But I have a deal all worked out for the network rights! Noooooo!” “What do you mean no visual and audio?” Vizh persisted. “I thought you people had this trial stuff down pat? You seemed to have your technology under control enough when you forced my student to enter this dumb test!” “Your students appear to be part of the problem,” Goomdin interjected. “We have detected a virulent computer worm affecting our scanning systems. Indications suggest it was introduced by…” “Hacker Nine,” vizh growled. “That little punk.” “It is very creative,” Goomtan admitted. “We should consider awarding merit points for it. It is not easy to suborn our technologies.” “But that is not the only interference,” added Goomtar. “More serious tampering has prevented us from retrieving candidates who have been eliminated from the contest. Those who should have been transported away are instead caught in the transfer matrix, held in stasis. We cannot recover them at the moment. We do not know how this can happen.” “So you have no idea what’s going on in there, and you can’t get the students out if they’re in trouble?” Visionary summarised. “Stop the tests, you morons!” The monks of the Observing Eye exchanged unhappy glances. “Um…” The All-New X-Students moved in a methodical search pattern east to west over the island, using a delta-grid recon formation with Wisp on point. “Move into sector 4b,” Redeye called. “And keep a close lookout. We don’t want any more trouble with the lightning-breathing turtles.” “Speak for yourself, bub,” growled Psychorunt. “Me, I’m ready to fight everythin’ on this island.” Wisp giggled and phased off through the trees, intangible to all harm. Well, most harm. She didn’t even get a chance to emit a little yelp of surprise before she was transformed into a hat. A perky Santa bonnet toppled to the ground and phased through it. “Interesting,” noted Hat-Kid. “Not seen a Santa hat before. Says a lot about a person, what hat they become.” “Over there! Voices!” called Psychorunt. “On it!” responded Shadowcreeper, teleporting in a cloud of odious green gas to appear beside the overweight Hat-Kid. Boy Wonder slipped a mutate suppression pack onto Hans Morden’s neck then moved to snap his neck. Shadowcreeper vanished again, but this time not of his choosing, withdrawn by the Observing Eye’s automated systems. A half-dozen coins clinked to the ground. “New Battlers!” warned Flaming Resurrection Girl. “Will, I can sense them…” Lounge Lizard washed the whole clearing with dragonfire. Wyrmbait morphed a draconic tail and fired explosive spines from it to add to the confusion. Except that the X-Students weren’t confused. They moved with lightning speed, reacting and returning fire. Ripper and Psychorunt went straight for each other. Thunderstroke found himself tackled by the massive steel bulk of Ironworks. “You did not expect this, da?” Ivan Stalin grinned as he picked up the neo-thundergod. “Kind of,” L’il Buttie answered as his Jarvis Cosmic blew a hole right through Ironwork’s torso. The big Russian tottered and fell, then was pulled from the game as his lifesigns faltered. “Still haven’t refined that jamming field enough,” Boy Wonder noted, checking the instrument pack they’d assembled. “Kill more of them.” “On it,” agreed E-Male. He transformed himself into living electricity and coursed through the remaining X-Students. Redeye, Coldfront and Flaming Resurrection Girl writhed as their flesh blackened and burned. “That’s more like it,” Boy Wonder approved as their charred corpses toppled to the floor. “Nobody got out that time.” And that just left Psychorunt. The New Battlers closed around him and took their time. There was a flash of fire in the shape of some kind of bird – possibly a turkey – and Flaming Resurrection Girl formed up again in the air. Only her costume colour had changed. “Fools! I cannot die! I am light and power and…” Boy Wonder fired the Mark III Mutate Suppression Rifle right into her back. As soon as her abilities faltered for a mere second, Hat-Kid changed her into a big burning witch’s hat. Then L’il Buttie evaporated it. Then it was all over except for cutting pieces out of Psychorunt until he finally decided to die. “Not a bad start,” admitted E-Male afterwards. “We tested some of the gear and we picked up around three hundred credit’s worth of kiddie-points. An’ by now I guess the Observing Eye has spotted that we’re changed the rules, and there’s not a damn thing they can do about it.” Next Time: Juniors vs New Battlers vs Young Heckfire, no holds barred! The big monsters come out to play! Xander explains the rules to Liu Xi! The fall of the FMRC! Lisette wakes up! And the Observing Eye’s worst day ever! Untold Tales #348: Parodyshack! coming soon to a Parodyverse near you! It’s Getting Harder and harder To Think of Good Titles For These Footnotes: Not much to add in this time except to credit Killer Shrike for creating Oiad, Dr Moo’s clone counterpart, and Al B. for fleshing out Giant Robot Six. Here’s what we’ve got on them now: Creator/mentor/mad scientist: Professor Tofu Bishounen (Pretty Youth, in the blue armour): Shingo Kimura called 'KimuShin' by the press and his legion of fans. (A combination to the names of two of the pretty boy singers in J-Pop band SMAP) Aka Tombo (Red Dragonfly, in the red armour): Goman Hashimoto. (Goman is "arrogant") Cho-Cho Futago (Butterfly Twins, in the pink and lilac armours): Cute girl twins Teiko and Makiko Yamasaki (or Tei-chan and Maki-chan) O-Zuno (Big Brain, in the green armour): Hideo Otakutani. (otaku - Japanese "nerd") Moyashi (Beansprout, in the yellow armour): Masa Nishimoto (or Masa-kun) Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2005 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2005 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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