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Post By The Hooded Hood with a completed case of mystery and murder Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 09:25:29 am EDT |
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#289: Untold Tales of the Court Martial of Joseph Pepper - Complete | |
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| #289: Untold Tales of the Court Martial of Joseph Pepper Previously: Earth is under siege from the countless forces of the Parody Master. Only a decaying Celestian force barrier protects the solar system from conquest and destruction. Certain kinds of electrical activity locally weaken the barrier, leading to the imposition of a power blackouts across the planet. One major advance force of Avawarriors, led by the Avatar (the Parody master’s general) have conquered Beijing, China, and are slowly pushing forward in a gruelling land war. The Terminus Team, a US government-backed unit of metahuman criminals seeking pardons, was recently dispatched to try and prevent the Avatar’s control of China’s nuclear arsenal. They walked into a trap, taking massive casualties, at least in part due to the covert actions of one of their own members, Exemplary. However, Exemplary’s part in the team’s downfall is not known. He was discovered battling bravely, the last man standing trying to fulfil a mission gone sour: a hero. Another survivor was the Widget (Alice White), who was secretly victimised by Exemplary because she was the former girlfriend of ManMan (Joe Pepper). Exemplary had previously tortured Joe Pepper and brutally beaten his aged Aunt April before entering the Terminus Team programme. When ManMan arrived with the Lair Legion rescue squad to evacuate the Terminus Team and encountered Exemplary, Joe killed the wounded villain with Knifey, ManMan’s sentient blade. Trickshot (Carl Bastion) reluctantly arrested ManMan on suspicion of murder. Previous chapters at The Hooded Hood's Homepage of Doom Character descriptions in Who's Who in the Parodyverse Location descriptions in Where's Where in the Parodyverse  Part One: The Sixth Commandment CrazySugarFreakBoy! padded down the twisty tunnel that had been carved when mankind still lived in the oceans and poked his head into the domed cavern where the Doorway stood. The ancient portal beneath the high ribbed roof had once led to a sub-dimension where a being of cosmic power slumbered, but now both being and dimension were gone, and the doorway deep beneath the Lair Mansion now opened onto the fundamental forces of the Parodyverse themselves. There was a man stretched in the doorway, spasming occasionally as the eldrich lightnings coursed across him. He gritted his teeth and kept on gripping the frame as he had done for more days than he could now count. “Hi, G-Eyed!” CrazySugarFreakBoy! called to the tormented hero. “Sssh,” Bryan Katz replied. “Beth’s asleep.” He nodded his head down to the corner where Bethany Shellett, schoolteacher and all-round Good Samaritan, was curled up inside a sleeping bag on the dark soapstone floor. Dreamcatcher Foxglove dropped his voice and moved close to Goldeneyed so they could talk quietly. “Glad she’s still keeping you company down here,” CSFB! admitted. “How are you bearing up?” “Oh, y’know,” Bry shrugged. “Three months or more without sleep or rest, in constant pain, using my super-powers to keep my body working because if I pass out or die I’ll break the circuit that maintains the force field keeping the Parody Master out.” He tried and failed to keep the bitterness out of his voice. Dream checked that the wide-screen TV and stack of DVDs he’d sent down were still in place. “I’m sorry, Bry. This isn’t a picnic for any of us, but you definitely got the crappy end of the stick.” “Yeah well,” G-Eyed replied gamely, “thanks for calling. Drop in anytime, I’m usually at home.” After so many weeks even his quips were getting repetitive. CSFB! usually tried to laugh anyhow, but not today. “Bry, we’ve got new trouble.” Goldeneyed scowled. “What now? Another disaster with the PM breaching the barrier?” “Not this time. Most of the Legion just got back from China. The Parody Master’s Avatar is there.” “Ouch,” G-Eyed winced. “If he’s anything like Al then he’ll be a tough battle.” The Parody Master’s original Avatar had deserted him and joined the Lair Legion as a probationary member long ago, before leaving to rule the Dreary Dimension. “He brought an estimated half a million friends with him,” CSFB! went on. “They took Beijing. He set traps for us. When we went in he…” The wired wonder’s voice broke as he went on. “He carpet bombed the city centre to get us, Bry. They’re estimating a million casualties!” G-Eyed swore. “That’s before you factor in all the other killing, plus the troops we’ve lost,” Dream went on miserably. “That puts the count at more than double. We’re not saving people.” The old friends looked at each other, their faces lit by the crackling energies of the portal and the weird luminous clouds of the multiversal substratum beyond. “And that’s not the worst thing,” CSFB! added at last. Goldeneyed braced himself. “Tell me,” he said. “Exemplary was on the Terminus Team that went behind enemy lines. You remember him?” “I’m not likely to forget that bastard,” G-Eyed spat. “He’s the one that poisoned AG’s kids, isn’t he?” “Amongst plenty of other stuff, yes. During the Special Resolution 1066 days he took over SPUD. He personally Obedience Branded Amber, and she still won’t talk about it. Afterwards he claimed he’d been Branded himself and claimed amnesty.” “So they put him on the Terminus Team.” “Looks like he’s still got friends in high places. Mumphrey’s asking Edward Gramayre about that. Hard. Anyways, Exemplary went in and the mission want sour. Another Avatar trap. Most of his Team went down. He kept on fighting.” “I’m not surprised,” Goldeneyed admitted. “Exemplary was trained by the Order of the Observing Eye, just like me. And he was an honour student. They were very proud of him.” “Yeah, we was a real gem,” CSFB! growled through gritted teeth. Bry caught the tense. “Was?” “Was. He and another of the unit, some old flame of ManMan’s called the Widget, managed to get into the Avaforce’s control centre and somehow beat thirty elite Avawarriors before they realised they were on a wild goose chase. As Widget was helping him stagger out after what must admittedly have been a pretty heroic last stand, Manny arrived to save the day.” “And?” “And gutted Exemplary where he stood with Knifey. Carved him up then hacked his head off.” Goldeneyed jerked. “ManMan? Our ManMan?” “Yep. And when you think about what Exemplary did before when he put Joe’s Aunt April in the hospital you can’t really blame him. Well I can’t. Exemplary was slime and he needed wiping off the planet.” “But not by murder,” Goldeneyed answered. “And especially not right now, by a Legionnaire.” “Yeah,” agreed CSFB! “We’ve got trouble. With a capital T.” “I have prepared you the meal you asked for,” Liu Xi Xian told Joe Pepper as Sergeant MacHarridan allowed her into the Lair Mansion holding cells. It wasn’t safe to use her dimension-warping powers below the old house on Parody Island. It was too near to the dimensional door where Goldeneyed writhed. ManMan sat up from his bunk and reached out for the bowl from you young elementalist. “Thanks,” he told her. “Deep fried woo kok with sweet yellow pepper and mushrooms,” she told him. “The bamboo shoots are fresh from the garden in the Mansion’s alien zoo.” Joe picked up the chopsticks and dipped into the wooden dish. “It’s delicious,” he assured Liu Xi. “A wonderful last meal.” The Chinese girl frowned. “Nobody is planning to execute you, Mr Pepper.” “Call me Joe,” ManMan asked her. He shuffled up the bench-bed to make room for his guest and gestured with the chopsticks for her to take a seat. “And it might as well be an execution. I’ve handed Herbert Garrick and the anti-Mumphrey lobby everything they need to take Mumph down if he tries to keep the mob off me.” “I’m not really up on the politics,” Liu Xi admitted. “I spend most of my time trying not to be noticed by the U.S. immigration service.” ManMan took another mouthful of stuffed yam and explained. “Not everybody is happy about Mumph effectively taking absolute power to co-ordinate the fight with the Parody Master. People don’t like the blackouts, they don’t like the drafts, some don’t like the sentient robot internment programmes.” “You should have heard Hallie tearing into the Legion about that,” Liu Xi said. “In fact she was shouting so loud you probably did.” “Point is,” Joe continued, “Mumph’s made some big enemies. So if his pet Lair Legion could be shown to screw up, maybe to harbour dangerous murderers, they’ve got a handle to change the ground rules and undermine what we’re doing. Maybe even replace Mumphrey with somebody else.” “That wouldn’t be good,” Liu Xi admitted. “So if the Legion don’t make an example of me then they’re playing into their critics’ hands,” ManMan explained. “And if they do, then they’re being hypocrites.” “Hypocrites?” “Sure. Most of them would have done just what I did. Most of them are relieved that Exemplary’s out of the game. They don’t want to see me prosecuted and sentenced because it could have been them.” Liu Xi considered this. “Did you act as you did because you were frightened? Did you think that Exemplary might come after your Aunt again? Or after Miss White?” “Well sure he would. He was a nasty piece of work and the planet’s better for him taking the dirt nap.” “Al B. is checking to make sure he really is dead. He had those biogenetic control abilities. Some people are wondering…” “If he jumped into me, or Alice, or escaped some other way?” Joe asked. “Yeah, I already had Al down here sticking wires to my skull. Exemplary’s dead. When Knifey kills somebody he does it right.” He looked down into his bowl. “This is really good woo kok,” he noted. “Try some.” Liu Xi hesitantly leaned forward and let ManMan feed her a chopstickful of the food she’d made. “I owe you,” Joe told her. “Listen, if they don’t toss me in jail – or give me the chair - for doing the right thing I’d really like to pay you back by buying you dinner sometime. Somewhere nice. Maybe a cuisine you’re not familiar with, like Caribbean food? Or Brazilian?” Liu Xi flushed. “I don’t… I don’t usually eat out,” she stammered. Joe Pepper leaned sideways to look under the curtain of hair she used to mask her blushed. “Hey, I’m not the first guy who’s ever asked you out, am I?” he checked. “No, of course not,” Liu Xi lied. “I just…” “No pressure,” ManMan told her. “Just think about it.” He snorted as he handed the empty bowl back. “Heck, it could be a long wait for our first date if they give me thirty to life in the Safe.” “What happened?” demanded Sir Mumphrey Wilton. “What has that blithering imbecile Pepper gone and done?” “Well, from whut I saw…” Trickshot began. The eccentric Englishman interrupted him. “I wasn’t asking you, Mr Bastion.” He tapped the shining steel bowie knife on his desk. “I was askin’ Knifey.” “Do knives get the fifth amendment?” asked the talking weapon. “At the very least do I get legal council.” “I’m here,” Lisa Waltz assured the blade. “And the meter’s running.” “Right,” Knifey declared. “Well then, what happened was Joe and I went with the team that pulled Yuki out of Beijing. It was a nightmare. A trap. The Avatar shelled the city centre to kill us. People were screaming, dying, and the Legion couldn’t do anything about it. Shells landing everywhere, blowing out the fronts of buildings. Anyone we tried to help got slaughtered in the next wave of attacks.” “Bad business,” agreed Mumphrey. “Worse than bad,” Trickshot added. “Me and that Avatar, we’ve got business ta settle.” “I’m telling you this so you understand Joe’s frame of mind,” Knifey went on. “The team were exhausted, wounded, all of them clinging to the edge. And then Hatman asked us to divert from our escape to relieve Terminus Team Three.” “We’d no idea how bad it wus fer them till we got there,” Trickshot chipped in. “I mean it really was bad, Mumph. Those guys had got ambushed and cut ta bits. Only Anvil Man was still slugging away on the ground.” “Joe was the first into the complex tunnels,” Knifey reported. “I was cutting through security bulkheads for him. So we got to the control centre ahead of the others.” “And that’s where Exemplary was,” Lisa surmised. “Yes. That’s where he was, surrounded by a by a big pile of Avawarriors. Alice – the Widget – was helping him out of the room. He’d been pretty badly injured by those molecule-thick Avaswords. I imagine he was using his biogenetic field manipulations to keep himself alive.” “That’s what Dr Whitwell’s autopsy report suggests as well,” Lisa added. “And then?” Mumphrey prompted. “And then…” Knifey hesitated. “Joe saw Exemplary. Exemplary was talking to Alice.” “What was he saying?” the first lady of the Lair Legion demanded. “Exemplary said that Major Standard was dead, and that he would be the new commander of the Terminus Team programme,” Knifey remembered. “Then he told Alice that he’d enjoy having her under him.” “A double entendre?” Sir Mumphrey scowled. “Joe thought so,” said Knifey. “He came forward and told Exemplary that he wouldn’t touch Alice. That Exemplary was done.” “Yeah, you kin see why Joe wus provoked,” Trickshot interjected. “If Exemplary had beaten up my relative, harassed my girl, and tortured me for information and for fun I’d probably have skewered the guy myself.” Mumphrey gestured the irritating archer to silence and turned back to Knifey. “What else was said?” “Exemplary said ‘Oh dear. I surrender. I’m so badly wounded fighting the good fight that I couldn’t even lick your aunt again right now. Maybe later.’” “And then?” “And then Joe killed him,” Knifey said. “Well, technically I killed him, but except under very special circumstances I have no say over what my legitimate wielder uses me for.” “Did you see it like that too?” Lisa asked Trickshot, checking the archer’s written deposition. “Pretty much,” Carl Bastion replied. “Even now I can’t figure whether I should’a arrested Joe or bought him a beer.” “You did right to arrest him,” Mumphrey answered. “Whatever he did there’s a case to be answered at law. Justice must be seen to be done. If the court martial finds Mr Pepper innocent he can leave the courtroom without a stain on his character.” “And if he’s found guilty,” Lisa added, “he could be sentenced to death for assaulting an ally in time of war.” Ham-Boy hauled his rucksack onto his shoulder and headed down to the Lair Garage where he’d parked his Ham Scooter. After his long sojourn in bottled Badripoor it was time to go home and see what he’d left in the fridge. He shuddered to think about the amount of classes he’d missed at Goth Haven University. When he got to the brown moped he was surprised to find Lindy Wilson perched on the pillion seat. “Hey, HB,” she called. “How’s it hanging?” “I’m going home,” he answered. “Before I get drafted. That Regent guy’s been following me round ever since I got back here.” “Good idea,” agreed the young black girl. “Let’s go.” “Go where?” Ham-Boy puzzled. “Home,” Lindy answered. “Your place.” She indicated the bedroll with her clothes folded inside it and the briefcase for her superhero gear. “You’re not going to let me sleep on the streets, are you?” Fred Harris swallowed hard. “I have a secret identity,” he pointed out. “I promise not to look,” Falconne told him. “And you’re underage,” Ham-Boy pointed out. “My legal guardian is Simonides Slaughter of the Heck-Fire Club,” Lindy countered. “Last time I was there they tried to sacrifice me in some nasty supervillain gambit. Plus I made a complete ass of myself. No, I think I’d be better off with you, Hammy.” “Lisa can fix that guardianship thing. Although you might end up being Visionary’s ward or something.” “Lisa’s busy with the ManMan trial. Vizh is busy with his secret love-children. I’m available to take home right now.” “Lindy…” Ham-Boy said, struggling to work out what to say. “You’re a real nice girl but…” “She’s not that nice,” Hacker Nine interrupted, entering the garage. “That what we like about her.” “Zack!” Lindy squeaked, a little alarmed. “I was just…” “I know what you were doing,” Hacker Nine told her. “Don’t worry. I’m over you. 98% over you. 95.” Ham-Boy remembered the time H9 had conquered the planet to get to Lindy Wilson. “Look, Zachary…” Hacker Nine waved his hands to dismiss the whole scene. “Doesn’t matter, dudes,” he told them. “But as to where you should go next, and where little miss hot pants there should go as well… I’m here with a very interesting job offer.” Mr Epitome was first off the battered LairJet. As the technicians surged forward to inspect the blackened scorch marks on one of the last three of the Legion’s all-purpose transport vehicles he climbed down the entry ladder and strode over to Hatman, Citizen Z, and Visionary. Yuki Shiro, Dancer, and Donar followed. The Manga Shoggoth oozed out last, weary from his efforts. “How did it go?” Hatty asked, looking at the mangled tail section of the LairJet. “We contained them again,” Mr Epitome answered curtly. “You’ll have the report within the hour. For now the Avatar’s forces are pinned down two hundred miles west of Beijing. We took out another of his heavy combat cannons and a zombie reprocessing plant.” “There’s got to be another way of dealing with this situation,” Yuki Shiro exploded. “We need to find a way of getting to the Avatar and taking him down!” “I art game,” agreed Donar. “We need to, yes,” agreed Hatman. “But not at the cost of another carpet bombing of civilians forming a human shield.” “Even another million dead would be worth taking out those Avaforces,” Citizen Z advised. “Nobody likes the math but it would save many more lives in the long run.” She patted Hatman on the shoulder. “Being the leader requires tough calls sometimes.” “And finding other ways,” Dancer insisted. “We’re not just better looking than the baddies. We’re smarter too. Right, Vizh?” “What?” asked the possibly-fake man worried that he was about to be volunteered for something. “Anyhow, enough about us,” Dancer went on. “How’s Manny?” Hatman’s face clouded. “We’re still working out jurisdictions and charges,” he reported. “He was acting as part of the international defence force, but under Legion authority, in occupied Chinese territory, on a UN mission, and he attacked a US citizen working for a US agency. Amber’s going quietly insane.” “Mumphrey wasn’t quiet,” Citizen Z contributed. “You could hear him from the laboratory level.” “Nobody’s seriously thinking about following up on Trickshot’s absurd arrest, are they?” Yuki Shiro demanded. “I don’t know what Bastion was thinking. He hated Exemplary and everything he stood for.” “Twas a good thing to smite yon felon dead,” agreed Donar. “The laws of man may condemn him, but I can see no flaw in his actions. I wouldst hath done the same thing myself.” His hairy eyebrows wrinkled together as he frowned. “Though not when yon caitiff wast night wounded unto death and hadst surrenderethed. That wert not so good.” “Nobody’s arguing that Exemplary wasn’t a nasty stain that needed permanently removing,” Visionary told the hemigod. “But the Lair Legion has to have standards. We have to be better than the enemies we fight. We don’t condone murder, and we don’t allow the killing of allies, however dodgy they might be, when they’ve just surrendered.” “You heard what Exemplary taunted, didn’t you?” Yuki checked. “And using Knifey to carve his guts out then chop his head off is what most people would describe as an over-reaction,” Vizh pointed out. “Even if Manny gets off charges of murder and treason there’s no way he can stay in the LL.” “Treason?” Dancer frowned. “How…” “Killing a soldier of your own side in time of war is treason,” supplied Citizen Z. “Killing him after his heroic last stand against impossible odds is treasonous and stupid.” “Exemplary was a clear and present danger to our war effort,” asserted Mr Epitome. “He needed taking out. ManMan did it. That should be enough to satisfy any jury that properly understands the needs of the situation.” Hatman looked surprised. “I thought you’d be all for the Legion being held accountable for what it does to a US citizen?” “None of you objected back on Apocalyspe when I ripped Torkamada’s head off,” the man of might pointed out. “You think Exemplary was any less cruel to his victims? Or do we only execute irredeemably evil bastards when they torture somebody to death for hours on end while we look on helplessly?” “That was a very different situation,” countered Hatman. “And this one is happening on my watch. So we investigate, and we think it through, and then a decision will be made. Does Joe get sent to trial? Does he stay in the Legion? Can we ever let him have Knifey back?” “How did the Widget and Anvil Man and the other Terminus Team survivors actually survive Major Standard’s death when there was an automatic bio-response signal set to kill them all if he died,” Yuki challenged. “And where’s Shoggy gone?” asked Dancer. “Say the word, ManMan, and I shall remove you from your imprisonment,” the Manga Shoggoth told the Elvis impersonator. “True, I would need to shut down your mind while I transported you through additional dimensions to my Antarctic lair, but once you regained your sanity there are many interesting and rare videos in my collection that would keep you occupied for some of what you call time.” Joe Pepper shuddered at the loathsome elder creature’s (literally) bubbling enthusiasm. “Er, that’s very kind of you,” he replied, “but really I’d prefer to have my day in court.” “I don’t understand why you humans insist on staying dead once you’ve died anyhow,” the Shoggoth sniffed. “I’m sure you only do it to be fashionable.” “Death defines life,” ManMan replied. “If death means nothing then neither does living. Death is the greatest blessing humankind was ever given.” The elder being considered this. “I may die,” he finally ventured. “In the human sense, I mean. The termination of being forever. I have been separated from my main biomass for a very long time. I do not think now that there will be a cure.” “Everything dies,” Joe Pepper advised. “Fearing it is worse than doing it. If you’re going to die sometime, Shoggy, then use the time before that to live.” He leaned forward and grinned. “I will.” Interlude: “This is a public service announcement. Due to an emergency blackout order the Paradopolis monorail will close down for the duration of the power outage. Passengers are advised to remain on their platform terminal until the crisis is over. The Paradopolis Monorail Company apologies for any inconvenience.” Marion Nightshade suppressed a rude word and stood on the high-level platform with her fellow stranded travellers. She checked her mobile, hoping to call and warn about her delay, but there was no signal. The phone relay nodes were turned off during an electronic blackout too, for fear that some stray frequency might prove the key to the Parody Master breaching the Celestian dimensional barrier that barred him from invading. She pushed her mobile back into her jacket pocket and reflected that if Donar of the Lair Legion didn’t know there was a blackout happening already then no-one did. Besides, without power the movie theatre would be closed. No late-night showing of Serenity then. A wicked little bit of Marion briefly imagined other ways of occupying Donar in a blacked-out cinema, but then the rest of her censured the thoughts. She wasn’t heading into romance with the hemigod. Only socialising. “Miss Nightshade?” a sallow-faced man in a cheap business suit called to her. Marion turned round, trying to see his face by the dim starlight. Station officials were distributing cold lights but they hadn’t got to this end of the platform yet. “Yes? Do I know you?” “No. You will come with me. Or you will be hurt.” Marion emptied the mace spray into the stranger’s eyes. He didn’t even blink. “Very well,” he said, and opened his briefcase. Bones rolled out across the platform; more bones than could possibly have fitted into the streamline case. They rattled together and formed up into a towering skeleton, almost ten feet high. People on the platform started to scream and panic. A few fell onto the rails but the power was off. Others stampeded for the stairs, tripped, fell. There was a crush with frightened travellers pressed beneath a pile of bodies. Marion backed away from the bone creature, desperately seeking a weapon. The trash bin was bolted down. “She is required alive,” the man with the briefcase told the monster, “Break her arms and legs and bring her along.” Those were his last words. Something black and white and fast came out of the darkness and took his throat clean away. But he didn’t fall. “Damn,” the woman in white spat. She wore a nurse’s cape and a nurse’s cap with a red cross on it. “Undead.” The bone golem swiped at her. She rolled with the blow, ripped the creature’s arm off, and used it to skewer the man with the briefcase. He gasped as the jagged end penetrated his chest cavity, then exploded into dust. The skeleton tumbled apart into a jumble of old bones once more. Marion stared in horror at the scene. “Damn Xander the Improbable,” the Night Nurse said. “Er…?” Marion ventured. “Talk to him,” the nurse indicated, stabbing a finger at a man in shabby red academic robes sitting quietly on a bench by the candy machine. “People are hurt here. I’m needed.” Xander, realising that he’d been fingered, rose and politely nodded to Marion. “Good evening, Marion. Sorry about the trouble.” The young woman forced herself to calm. “What is going on?” she asked. “Is this something to do with Donar?” “Probably,” the master of the mystic crafts admitted. “But that doesn’t make it his fault, I hope you realise.” “Xander, the next time you want me to come and dust a nightgaunt and his pet golem why don’t you just say so?” demanded Grace O’Mercy, the nurse who was busy setting a broken arm not ten yards from where she’d demolished a monster. “It’d be so much less irritating than mysterious summonses to meet you at obscure railway stations.” “Because the enemy might have used an intent discernment cantrip, of course,” the sorcerer supreme explained. “If you’d come here intending to stop Miss Nightshade’s kidnapping they might have detected it and taken precautions. As it is, you just happened to be here for other purposes and were able to intervene.” “Okay, I’m still waiting for my explanation,” insisted Marion. “Why did super-nurse appear to stop spooky man and his pet Frankenstein? Was it one of Donar’s enemies?” Xander picked up the skull of the shattered golem and cautiously touched it to the tip of his tongue. “Yeuch!” he shuddered, spitting. “Stitched together from bits of half a dozen ogres from Miserablegitheim, by the taste of it!” “From where?” “But how did it get here?” the mage went on, preoccupied. “Grace?” “Neither of them has any blood for me to taste,” the Night Nurse answered. “Look, can I go before the reporters get here?” “We’ll all be long gone before that,” Xander promised. “No telephones to alert them, remember?” He sniffed the skull then pulled a biro from his pocket to proddle in the eyesockets. “There’s a definite abyssal stench to this as well. An infernal signature.” “I’m getting tired of asking what’s going on,” Marion called angrily. “Wait a minute… Aren’t you the plumber who came to my apartment?” The master of the mystic crafts shrugged. “What’s happening, Marion, is that the Parody Master appears to have recruited an old enemy of your boyfriend’s who was bound by Ausgardian magics until Ausgard vanished. And that old enemy has found a way to slip his minions through hell to Earth to bypass the Celestian barrier, which is a very vary bad thing.” “Because if they can get here that way, so can the Parody Master,” guessed Grace. Xander nodded. “This has just got a lot more serious.” He pointed at Marion. “You’d better come with me.” “Why?” the woman demanded. “Where to?” “Hell,” answered the sorcerer supreme of the Parodyverse. Part Two: Hammurabi “Can I see Joe?” Alice White asked as Yuki Shiro came into her guest room at the crowded Lair Mansion. “I’m afraid not,” the cyborg P.I. answered. “It might contaminate the evidence you both have to give.” “I need to talk to him. There’s lots we have to sort out.” “That’ll have to wait until after the court martial. I’m sorry.” The Widget shivered. “They’re court-martialling Joe? For killing Exemplary?” “If it was up to me, I’d give him a medal,” Yuki replied. “But there’s a lot of top brass from a lot of countries we’re in very tentative alliances with watching to see how we handle this. We can’t just smack him on the wrist then get on with business.” “Exemplary deserved to die,” the Widget admitted, “but not like that. Not after he tried so hard on the mission.” “I want to go over your statement again,” Yuki told her. “Make sure I’m not missing anything. Are you okay with answering more questions?” “If I have to. What do you want to know now?” “Well, first off, why you’re alive. All the Terminus Team get tagged with a little electronic device that kills them if their commander gets killed, right? A way of making sure none of the more murderous criminals in rehab decide to frag their officer and escape.” “That’s what they told us,” Alice admitted. “Al B. Harper took the chip out of me to examine it.” Yuki had the full forensic report on it in the folder she carried. There’d been no flaw in the safeguard device. It just hadn’t recognised that Standard was dead yet. “Have you any idea how you survived when your C.O. went down in battle?” The Widget shook her head. “It was chaos. The mission was blown when they discovered us near the control centre entrance. There was so much blood and screaming. I panicked.” “We don’t know yet how they detected you either,” Yuki noted. “Raincoat Man was supposed to be shielding you all, but somehow his bio-field failed enough to give you away.” She took a breath (for habit’s sake) and asked, “Do you think Exemplary might have caused that, to deliberately betray you?” Alice blinked. “Exemplary nearly died trying to make the mission work.” “Yes. And if Manny hadn’t carved him up he’d have gone home covered in glory, looking to replace Major Standard running the Terminus Team. That’s what he said to you, isn’t it?” The Widget shuddered at the idea of Exemplary with power over the implant chips that kept her and the other Team members in check. “That’s what he wanted,” she confessed in a small unhappy voice. “Joe did me a big favour when he committed that murder.” “Exemplary was sexually harassing you,” Yuki surmised. “We found the diaries of Toyah Jones – Boombox. We know what Exemplary coerced her to do.” “Exemplary was a sadist, probably a rapist,” Alice admitted. “But clever enough not to get caught at it without a defence. He was tormenting me because of Joe.” “And just because he could,” the cyborg P.I. guessed. “This is the same man who took pleasure in beating up Joe’s octagenrian Aunt April and torturing Joe himself. Epitome’s got a file on him that takes up almost a whole cabinet drawer. Amber St Clare shook Manny’s hand.” “Is Exemplary really dead?” the Widget asked. “I mean really dead. That biofield thing he does…” “The Shoggoth says he’s dead,” Yuki confirmed. “We don’t ask the Shoggoth how he knows those things. Not if we want to eat breakfast the next day.” Alice seemed satisfied. “And Joe? What are you going to do to him?” “You know what?” shouted CSFB!, “All I've been hearing from you folks lately is how this isn't a superhero fight anymore but a military one, so, yeah, fine, let's go with that. If you want us all to act like we're playing soldiers now, then, fine, let's act like we're playing soldiers. Since we've already lowered our goddamn standards so much that we were willing to let sociopathic scum like Exemplary sign on to serve our cause in exchange for his unforgivable sins being pardoned, I refuse to accept any excuse why ManMan shouldn't just be reassigned as the new acting leader of the Terminus Team. If we're sponsoring the supposed necessity of bull like civilian casualties as ‘collateral damage’ and unrepentant psychopaths on our payroll as ‘the end justifying the means,’ then that standard had better be applied equally across the board, because if it's not, then we're no longer superheroes or soldiers. We're just a pack of arbitrary thugs, with no consistent code of conduct whatsoever, which, as near as I can figure, is one of the fig leaves of morality that's allowed more than a few members of our side to rationalize their compromises of conscience. Then again, I have no inner conflict about this at all, because these are not my chickens that are coming home to roost.” He paused for breath. “Er, what was the question again?” “Could you pass the sugar?” repeated Katarina Allen. The blackout in Washington delayed Harmanda Barriere. The large black woman arrived at her secret meeting late and angry. “You would think in times of war that people would know to get out of the way of a fast-moving vehicle with government plates,” she snarled, letting herself through the palm-coded security door into the Quiet Room. “Instead, turn off the street lights and every driver on the roads becomes either a racing driver or a tortoise. Traffic’s snarled up ten miles out of the city.” She was irritated to note that all but the emergency lights were out in the Quiet Room too. There should be exceptions on the blackout for important people. “Have you got to discussing the Terminus Team issue yet?” she demanded, moving towards the vacant swivel chair. “I was thinking I might have to take personal control over there now Standard’s got himself killed. And we might want to rethink the name of the programme, to something like…” The former head of the Special Protocols Against Metahumans fell silent then, as she realised that everybody else in the secure room was dead, their throats neatly slitted. Seven secret conspirators had been murdered in their place of power. “Don’t move,” the voice at her ear advised. “Not unless you want more work for your cleanup crew later.” Barriere was well trained in unarmed combat; well enough trained to realise that her assailant had positioned himself just where it would be impossible for her to turn the tables. “Why did you do this?” she demanded instead. “Tell the Shadow Cabinet to go away,” the gravely voice advised her. “Tell them to stop playing their games while they still have a choice. Tell ZOXXON. Tell Turrets Inc. Tell Factor X. Tell the Spookshow.” The old-fashioned cut-throat razor at her neck pressed a little harder. “Tell them the rules have changed.” “I’ll tell them.” “Tell them I don’t have any limits now. I’ll destroy a city to get just one of them if I have to. I’ll go after their friends, their families. I’ll main and torture them – and you. And you know I can do it.” “I know,” Barriere agreed. “We thought you were dead, Dark Knight.” “I am,” Greg Burch told her. “That’s why there are no rules now. Remember.” When Amanda Barriere finally turned round in the darkness, the intruder had somehow melted away from a sealed secure room. Only seven corpses remained to testify he had ever been there. Anvil Man was in the alien zoo, watching the temporal goldfish swimming in their chronal tanks. He turned when Trickshot came into the room. “You kin wait outside,” the irritating archer told the worried security guard detailed to trail the supervillain. “If I wanted to walk out of here you couldn’t stop me any more than he could,” Brendan MacGillicuddy told the Legionnaire. “Don’t bet the farm on that, rusty,” Tricky answered. “But I ain’t here ta fight. I just need ta talk.” Anvil Man reluctantly turned away from the goldfish. “I lived in Herringcarp Asylum for a while with the Hooded Hood,” he ventured. “But the Hood didn’t have no zoo. Only dungeons.” “You were lucky ta find this place,” Trickshot admitted. “It’s not always here. An’ nobody remembers how it got here in the first place. Drives Al B. Harper crazy. We mostly blame spiffy or Nats.” “The fish are pretty,” Anvil Man said. “What do you wanna talk about, hero-man?” “Exemplary, of course,” Trickshot replied. “I’m looking fer mitigating circumstances why my buddy might’a sliced and diced him in China.” “Exemplary was a slimy sleazy superior sumbitch?” offered Anvil Man. “I’d have popped his head off myself, but they put this chip in me while your old boss had timeshifted my armour into the future.” “I’m looking for more,” Trickshot persisted. “Like whether Exemplary could have been the one that killed Major Standard?” Anvil Man shrugged. “Why do you care? You was the one that arrested ManMan.” “I care,” Trickshot replied hotly. “I’d probably have done just like Joe if it’d been me in his shoes. But the Lair Legion’s bigger than me or Joe. It’s got to be… better ‘n that. And murder’s wrong, whatever the reason. I’ll kill an enemy ta save lives if that’s what it absolutely takes, but murder…” “You’re taking some flak for what you did from your team-mates,” Anvil Man guessed with a smirk. “They think you snitched.” “Epitome and Yuki and CSFB! disagreed with my actions,” Tricky admitted. “I kind of disagree with ‘em myself. But what else could I have done? Joe’ll be okay. A trial will clear his name and we kin all get on with spanking th’ Parody Master.” The archer pressed his lips together and stared at nothing. “Joe’ll be okay…” “Kara, could you run these down to Hatman?” Al B. Harper asked his daughter from the future. “It’s the final lab results on the Widget’s implant chip plus an analysis of the downloads on her remote drone data sensors.” “Do I look like a postal service?” Kara asked. But she sighed, put down her copy of A Brief History of Time (which she kept snickering at and pencilling in rude margin comments) and accepted the packet. “So what’s the conclusion, dad?” “The conclusion is that we can’t conclude anything about how Standard and Brokenface really died,” the archscientist sighed. “Not without more forensic evidence from the scene, which the Avatar’s hardly likely to grant us access to.” “So did Exemplary do it or not?” Kara persisted. “We’ll never know. Now get those results to Hatty before the court martial starts. And to Epitome for the defence, and Lisa for the prosecution. And tell them I’ll be along later. I still need to work on this temporal waveform replicator.” “A temporal waveform replicator?” Kara frowned. “You’re still trying to track mom and that Framlicker woman?” Al B. nodded and prodded the gadget with the butt of his pipe. “Of course. I don’t give up. And I’m only a few days away from a breakthrough.” “Fine,” Kara shrugged as she padded off to the deputy-leader’s office. So I’m going to have to kill you soon, she thought. “…And just add a pinch of marjoram as it comes to the boil, and see what a difference it makes, Flapjack.” The Lair Legion’s major domo and Aunt April Pepper looked up from their cooking pot as Dancer entered the Lair Kitchen. “Hi folks,” she called. “Aunt April, I need to talk to you.” “I’ll just go and check on Marie again,” Flapjack told the ladies. “Um, you’ll need to write me a permit so that hippo will let me in.” Dancer looked at the hunchback sternly “You promise not to try and revive Marie again, or to try any of the alternative methods you suggested when we were restraining you last time?” “Just ta talk to her,” Flapjack promised. “Maybe she’ll wake up like that?” Aunt April watched the retainer limp out. “There’s more to that young man than meets the eye,” she commented. “And in those hose that’s saying a lot,” agreed Dancer. Aunt April settled on one of the stools by the breakfast bar. “Did you want to talk to me about my nephew, dear?” the old lady asked. “If you don’t mind. I’m still reeling with what Joe did, even though Mumphrey says this isn’t the first time Manny’s had to stab a sleazebag to stop him doing something horrid later.” “Joe was brought up to respect life,” Aunt April declared, “but he also knows when he has to stand up to bullies.” “Do you think that’s what he was doing when he killed Exemplary?” “My dear, Exemplary broke half the bones in my body the only time we met. Just to send a message to Joe about signing up with Special Resolution 1066. Don’t expect me to fault my nephew for taking that mad dog down.” Dancer nodded. “I went down and talked with Manny just now. He doesn’t think he did anything wrong.” Aunt April tipped her head a little. “What does Knifey think?” “Knifey’s taking the fifth.” “And what do you think?” “Well,” Dancer admitted hesitantly. “I have this really weird idea.” And she told Aunt April what it was. “I agree,” the old lady said when Shep had explained. “I talked to him too, and came away puzzled. Your theory, that’s the only thing that makes any sense. But what are you going to do about it?” “I have to go,” Dancer said. And ran from the room. “They’re ready for you,” Hallie told ManMan. “In the main meeting room.” “Good luck,” Liu Xi bade the Elvis impersonator. “Save the good wishes for dinner,” ManMan winked at her. “This court-martial will come to order,” Hatman announced. “Let the record show that the panel at the bench are myself, Visionary, and Citizen Z. Recognise Lisa L. Waltz speaking in prosecution and Dominic Clancy for the defence. Sir Mumphrey Wilton in observance.” “Got it all,” Hallie told him, curtly. “Get on.” “Lisa?” promoted Hatty. The first lady of the Lair Legion got up and shook her head unhappily at ManMan. “I’m sorry to have to do this, but Joe Pepper stepped over the line. He used fatal force against an injured ally before witnesses. He wasn’t being attacked. He wasn’t out of his mind. He just decided the world would be a better place if he murdered Exemplary.” “It is,” muttered Trickshot. “Quiet,” ordered Hatman harshly. “The eyes of the world are on the Legion,” Lisa went on. “If we’re to retain the world’s faith in, their trust in what we have to do, and their support in surviving this Parody War then we have to hold ourselves to a higher standard. ManMan breached that standard. He committed murder in wartime against a fellow soldier, and that’s treason. He should be expelled from the team and handed over to military authorities for a legal trial and sentencing. We might not like it, but that’s the way it has to be. That’s the law.” “That’s bullsh*t,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! hissed. “I mean it when I said quiet,” Hatman snapped. “This is serious business. Can the backchat.” He pointed at Epitome. “Your turn.” “Joe Pepper is not guilty,” the paragon of power stated. “He acted in self-defence and in the defence of others. There may be a question about whether Exemplary betrayed his comrades in the field. There’s no question about his previous deeds, before and after his amnesty, including some he couldn’t claim to have done under Obedience Brand control. There’s little question about his future intentions to harm Miss White and others. ManMan made a judgement call on the battlefield, in the heat of battle. We’ve all had to make them. He judged that Exemplary was too dangerous to live. He acted as he thought best given the extreme and unique circumstances. It might make him an executioner, but it doesn’t make him a murderer. Exemplary needed to die. Pepper did the job.” “Exemplary could have been brought before a proper judge and jury,” Visionary pointed out. “The same judiciary that let him walk away from his other crimes to a cushy number in the Terminus Team?” asked Citizen Z. “Exemplary had friends in high places.” “And now they’re usin’ this to try and crucify the lot of us,” Sir Mumphrey Wilton growled. “Have you anything to say, Joe?” Hatman asked ManMan. Joe Pepper was sat back in his chair, but now he leaned forward. “I’m sorry for the trouble I’ve caused. I’m sorry it’s dragged the Legion through the mud. I’m sorry it upset Alice and has hurt my friends. But I’m not sorry I killed Exemplary. He needed to die, and if I had to do it all again I’d kill him again.” “You deny murder?” Lisa challenged. “I don’t,” ManMan answered her. “I deny that it was wrong to murder him.” “He was helpless,” objected Vizh. “You’d prefer to wait until Exemplary was at the peak of his power and could take a few of us down with him as he went?” asked CV. “Anything else, Joe?” Hatman asked. “Not really. I’d like to prove that I acted rightly. I don’t think you should condemn me because it’s politically expedient. I don’t think you should throw me out of the Legion, because I’m not the only one with a questionable history of using lethal force. You know who you all are. But I stand by what I did, and if I have to be punished then so be it.” Before Hatman could react the doors were flung open as Dancer arrived carrying Knifey in her hand. “There’s information you don’t have!” she blurted rushing into the room. “What information?” Lisa asked, bemused. “Hold on,” Dancer said. Then she span round and plunged Knifey into ManMan’s chest. “There. That’s better.” A number of things happened very quickly. ManMan toppled backwards on his chair, slamming to the floor with Knifey still protruding from the centre of his chest. CrazySugarFreakBoy! leaped forward and grabbed Dancer – he was probably the only person in the room who stood a chance. Donar rose bellowing, shorting out the monitor systems in his agitation. Hatman pulled on a surgeon’s headband and raced to tend to Joe Pepper. Epitome looked around for other attack. The Shoggoth folded his coaster into an interesting nine-dimensional shape and admired it. “Leave her alone!” Yuki Shiro called, entering the room after Dancer, pulling CrazySugarFreakBoy! away from her. “She’s not the problem.” “Stabbing Manny’s not what you call a problem?” Trickshot shouted. Hallie fizzed back into hologrammatic shape. Donar looked at her apologetically. Manman looked down at the knife in his chest. “Ouch,” he said. “No blood?” Hatman noted. “What the…?” “Restrain that man,” Sir Mumphrey Wilton ordered, pointing to Joe Pepper. “And everybody calm down. Stand easy.” Hatman grabbed Knifey and tried to ease him from ManMan’s chest. He wouldn’t budge. “I’m not leaving,” the sentient blade told the capped crusader. “Not until he does.” “He?” Citizen Z noted. “Do tell.” “The being occupying ManMan,” Yuki Shiro noted. “The Doomherald.” “God of murder,” Dancer added. “Explains Manny’s sudden interest in Liu Xi, doesn’t it?” Donar sat on ManMan and brandished Mjalcolm, his enchanted baseball bat. “Speak, indwelling felon. Art thou the Doomherald for the nonce?” “Busted,” said ManMan. “It’s a fair cop.” “Restrain him,” Hatman called out. Mr Epitome reappeared with some power dampener fetters and fitted them on the captive. He heaved ManMan up with one casual arm and plumped him back on his seat. Knifey still protruded from his chest. “How are you doing that, Knifey,” CSFB! wondered curiously. “Dimensions,” sniffed the Shoggoth as if it was self-evident. “I’m stabbing the being inside, not Joe,” Knifey explained. “But you can’t murder the god of murder unless he allows it.” Exu, ancient God of Murder, sighed. “But Knifey does know how to pin me so I can’t migrate. He was always good at his job.” “Did you… create Knifey?” Dancer ventured. “I don’t remember a lot of my past. But I do remember Knifey being there before I ever came to exist.” “Not relevant to the situation at hand,” the blade said. “Let’s move on and deal with the issue of Joe being possessed, shall we?” “Why did you do it?” Epitome asked the Doomherald. “Why take Pepper’s body and execute Exemplary?” The Doomherald looked round at the angry group of superheroes. “I didn’t murder Exemplary,” he replied. “I needed a place to hide after betraying the Parody Master, and Mr Pepper was kind enough to do me homage at the right time. So I slipped in. There aren’t many safe places for me now, but I thought inside the Lair Mansion might be one of them.” “Guess again,” Epitome told him through clenched teeth. “You can’t stay in there, Exu,” Knifey warned the god of murder. “Joe’s a lot of things but he’s not your mule to ride.” “On the other hand, if he stays he’d probably be more useful than Pepper,” Citizen Z considered. “Out, sirrah!” Sir Mumphrey Wilton commanded. “How’s it to be done, Knifey? Do I need to send for a bishop?” “Leave it to me,” Lisa said. “I summons the Doomherald!” As the repository of the cosmic Booke of the Law in a duly authorised court case the amorous advocatrix had the power to drag pretty much anybody to the witness stand. The Doomherald flew from inside ManMan and tumbled to the floor at Lisa’s feet. “Hi,” he grinned, looking up. Donar smote him. “Are you okay, Manny?” Dancer asked as Joe Pepper sat up with a confused expression on his face. Knifey had gone from his chest and was still protruding from Exu. “I’ve had better days,” ManMan admitted. Yuki watched as Donar thumped the Doomherald. “So has your bodymate,” she suggested. The Doomherald got tired of being a punching bag, caught Donar’s fist and held it. “That’s enough now,” he said. He pulled Knifey from his chest and handed him back to Joe. “As I said when the trial started, sorry for the inconvenience.” Donar headbutted him. “We may need to take a short recess,” judged Hatman. “You,” Liu Xi said, looking at Exu through the bars of his holding cell. “Yep,” agreed the Doomherald. “It was you in ManMan, speaking to me.” “Yep. Although I was filtering myself through his forebrain.” “It was you fed me the food and… wanted to go to dinner.” “I’m looking forward to it.” Liu Xi swore at him in Cantonese. “I should kill you! I should tear out your heart.” The Doomherald shrugged. “Maybe you already did.” “All you’d need to do,” Lisa noted, “is to say that Exu possessed Manny before he did the murder, not because he did it. Joe’s off the hook and he could stay with the LL. I don’t like him killing Exemplary the way he did on principle, but I don’t want to lose him off the team.” “Just because we can get away with it doesn’t mean it’s right,” Hatman replied. “ManMan crossed the line, like Vizh said. We have to be honest.” “Since when?” Lisa asked with a worried frown. “Is this a general policy?” “I don’t agree with tossing Manny to the wolves,” CSFB! objected. “No way!” “Nobody’s doin’ that, Mr Foxglove,” Mumphrey Wilton said. “But we only have two courses. We cover up what Pepper did by blamin’ the Doomherald and so avoid a trial, or we finish the court martial and we – and Mr Pepper - live with the consequences.” He looked across at Jay Boaz. “And I believe it’s your call, sir.” Vizh winced in sympathy with Hatman’s dilemma, suffering flashbacks to his own days in the leader’s chair. “A straw poll?” suggested Yuki. “Who here wants us to throw Joe out?” “Will we be replacing him with the Doomherald then?” asked the Shoggoth. “That seems like a very interesting being.” “I’m sure going to have an interesting time analysing his bioreadings,” Al B. Harper anticipated. “We’re not taking a vote,” Jay told them. “Like Sir Mumphrey says, it’s my decision to make.” He took a deep breath. “The trial is cancelled – if Manny is willing to quietly resign from the Legion. He gets to keep Knifey is Knifey consents.” “What?” demanded CrazySugarFreakBoy! rising. “That’s a crock!” He stormed to the door. “If Joe isn’t welcome in the Legion he’s sure as hell welcome in the Globetrotting Gangbusters! Hell, maybe I’ll join him there before I get bounced as well!” “If Pepper’s not in the Legion,” Epitome suggested, “he’d do well in the re-formed Terminus Team. With Ms White.” That would stymie Harmanda Barriere’s ambitions for a while, the paragon of power considered. “You had to start all of this, didn’t you?” Yuki accused Trickshot. “This is your fault.” “Yeah, mebbe it us,” Carl Bastion answered sickly. “I… I gotta go take a walk.” There was an awkward pause when CSFB! and Trickshot had left. “I’ll go and break the news to Manny and Knifey, shall I?” Dancer asked, trying to sound bright. Hatman shook his head. “No. This is down to me. I’ll go.” Donar watched the capped crusader walk slowly from the room. “Well, damneth,” he said. Epilogue: Rainbow sprays of multiversal energy painted the iron-grey skies in bright pastels for one searing moment. Then the darkness snapped back in, and a lone figure plummeted down to smash hard through the roof of a low building and disappear from sight. Princess Uhuna of the Abhumans and Cody Harper raced through the desolate web-clogged military compound to find where Amazing Guy had crashed this time. “That one looked especially painful,” Uhuna noted as they forced their way through the dimension-shifted real estate of the former top-secret government internment centre. “I hope his protective field was up to the fall.” “He’s got to keep trying to find us a way out from Comic-Book Limbo,” Cody argued. “If a bloke with cosmic awareness and the power to tow small moons after him can’t get away from this place you and I are well screwed.” “But we haven’t…” Uhuna began, then realised that the young man was using a figure of speech. “Oh, right. Yes. We don’t have much chance if AG can’t do it. Yes.” They forced their way into the secure area. Cody used his ability to understand any language to easily deactivate the key-locks. Inside the compound they found Amazing Guy staggering to his feet, steaming slightly. And something else. “That… is a really big dragon,” Cody noted, whistling. “Finny!” Uhuna cried. “It’s Fin Fang Foom! And over there… Dan Drury!” The massive Makluan wyrm and the missing head honcho of SPUD were frozen in webbed stasis just like everyone else in the captured compound, just like all the people in all the domains that the Parody Master had projected to Comic-Book Limbo to remove them from the game. “That’s Andy all right,” Amazing Guy agreed. “He and Drury were fighting their way out of this security complex when the Parody Master shifted it.” “Can we wake him up?” Cody asked. “Is there some way to bring him around.” “He was a friend of the Chronicler of Stories,” AG reasoned. “He might have some clue as to where the Chronicler went when he and his Halls were exiled here.” “Maybe I could shift that stasis webbing to somebody else?” Uhuna speculated uncertainly. “It’s not really a medical condition, but…” And then she vanished. In a burst of hellfire. “Uhuna!” Amazing Guy shouted, lurching forward. It was too late. The infernal gateway had closed again. “Uhuna!” called Cody. “What happened?” The Princess of the Abhumans had escaped from Comic-Book Limbo by the only route that worked. She’d been dragged out to be used in somebody’s plot again. In this case she’d been summoned by the being who owned her soul, the hell-lord Sage Grimpenghast, the Teacher of Deceits, to help him to destroy his enemy Nats. And so: we continue our story of Uhuna’s ordeal next time, a tale of deceit and double-crosses, full of Regret. Join the Librarian, AJA, Chronic, Nats, Xander and the gang as they learn the nature of the Abyss in a little story called A Cold Day in Hell. Tie-ins that happen around the time of this story include: Adventures in Parodyverse - Burning Down the House #1 #2 #3 and #4 by Anime Jason Memo by AJA Balls Out part 1 by Killer Shrike Kirk Boxleitner Correspondence Dept: The speech by CSFB! to Kat is drawn from a lengthier note that Kirk sent me in response to UT#287. Here's the full text, complete with CSFB!'s explicit language: Way back when JFK got shot, Malcolm X called it a case of "the chickens coming home to roost." It was harsh, even by his standards, and more than a little unfair, but there was a certain kind of sense to the point that he was trying to make. Heh. All I've been hearing from you folks lately is how this isn't a superhero fight anymore, but a military one, so, yeah, fine, let's go with that. We're talking about the execution of a dickhead who not only let the enemy know where members of our forces would be, but also personally killed his teammates and his commanding officer. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, since I'll be the first to admit that I'm not exactly "up" on all the rules and regulations regarding international armed conflicts, but that sounds one holy hell of a lot like treason to me, even before we get to the point where Exemplary tortured the living shit out of the Widget, and then openly declared his intentions to do the same to Joe's Aunt April, for what would have been no less than the second fucking time. So, yeah, if you want us all to act like we're playing soldiers now, then, fine, let's act like we're playing soldiers. From what I've been told, you kill an enemy on the battlefield, that ain't murder. It's just written off as "the wages of war." And make no mistake, we're not talking about some civilian, who sympathized with the politics of an opposing nation. This was an irredeemably evil son-of-a-bitch, who betrayed a bunch of people who were, at least technically, considered our troops, and since we've already lowered our goddamn standards so much that we were willing to let a sociopathic scumfuck like Exemplary sign on to serve our cause, in exchange for his unforgivable sins being pardoned, I refuse to accept any excuse why ManMan shouldn't just be reassigned as the new acting leader of the Terminus Team. In fact, fuck it, if the douchebags in charge of that program are such hypocritical assclowns that they can't forgive Joe for exposing the corrupt, incompetent ways that they did business, then I'll induct ManMan into the Globetrotting Gangbusters on the spot, the same as I offered to do for Nats, back when Goldeneyed kicked him off the Lair Legion lineup. If we're sponsoring the supposed necessity of bullshit like civilian casualties as "collateral damage" and unrepentant psychopaths on our payroll as "the end justifying the means," then that standard had better be applied equally across the board, because if it's not, then we're no longer superheroes or soldiers. We're just a pack of arbitrary thugs, with no consistent code of conduct whatsoever, which, as near as I can figure, is one of the fig leaves of morality that's allowed more than a few members of our side to rationalize their compromises of conscience. Then again, I have no inner conflict about this at all, because these are not my chickens that are coming home to roost. Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2006 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2006 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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