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Post By The Hooded Hood digs into his files for February 2002. Thu Feb 10, 2005 at 02:24:05 pm EST |
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Untold Tales #64 - the Unpublished Unfinished Edition | |
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| First off, apologies for my very intermittent participation so far this year. Work has become horrendous, and I haven’t written a word of non-work stuff except for the LL-Avengers bit I put on the board a while back. However, I expect to have a bit of free time once my deadlines are done, so I’ll try to catch up then. And maybe I’ll do a daily Untold Tales story for a week or something. In the meantime, since people are once again clearing out their old files, here’s an unfinished story that never became Untold Tales #64. We did a World Tour instead. For the confused, Christine McBurney is more familiarly known as Cobra, Whitney Darkness as Sorceress, and Gwendolyn Lyons as PschoAcidPervGirl! (CSFB’s psychotic little sister). This story takes place before Dancer joined the Lair Legion, but Ziles, Troia 215, and Sorceress were members, and Yo was a former member. “The class may be seated,” Miss Haague told the senior year. “Girls, we have new students amongst us here at Madame Legrasp’s Finishing School for Young Ladies and I think we should ask them each to come forward and be introduced.” “That’s you lot, new meat,” Deidre von Gawper hissed to the half-dozen newcomers. “Better do as she says, feebs. But we’ll be waiting for you later.” The six newcomers shambled, strutted, or blushed their way to the front of the classroom each according to their nature. They lined up in front of the blackboard and stared at the hostile faces of the senior class. “Let’s start at this end, shall we?” Miss Haague suggested brightly, smiling at the first of the newbies. “This is Ziles, and she’s a long way from home, so I hope you’ll all make her terribly welcome.” “Oh we shall, Miss Haague,” Deidrie von Gawper promised. “We’re looking forward to it. Terribly.” Ziles looked uncomfortable and blushed some more. “And next to her is Christine. Say hello to the class, Christine.” “If any of you try to welcome me I shall force you to wear your jewellery as intestines,” the girl warned them over her wire rimmed spectacles. “Hmm. Yes. And here is Whitney.” “She looks kind of witchy to me,” Rosetta McArgle whispered too loudly to the girl next to her. Miss Haage ignored the giggles. “Next to her is young Yo. Say hello, Yo.” “Yo is happy to be meeting all new cute-friends,” Yo said uncertainly. “We can change that,” snorted Deidrie. “I mean *cough*” “This is Troia, and we already have great hopes for her in the lacrosse team,” Miss Haage continued. “Oh, so do we, Miss,” Deidrie promised. “And finally, this young lady is Gwendoline.” “And it’s going to be my pleasure to teach you dweebs the meaning of fear,” the final new girl told the class. “Oh, I mean *cough*” “Now if you young ladies would take your places, we can get you settled in your dormitories later. Right now I think we should get on with our deportment lessons…” “I don’t want to be deported again,” worried Ziles. “Heh heh. Feeb,” Rosetta McArgle hissed, preparing her compasses for a proper reception later. Sarah Shepherdson, the Probability Dancer, was one of the few people who did not wince as she rang the Lair Mansion doorbell. This is because as the lethal stunner cannons cycled round to obliterate her they confused their control signals with the automatic toaster, with the result that Nats suffered a mild concussion from a Mach-2 waffle but the stunners mutually annihilated each other and crashed NORAD for three and a half hours. Well, she was the Probability Dancer. There were the sounds of an unseemly scuffle behind the stately front door. Then there was the sound of Goldeneyed getting in a lucky hit with the umbrella stand and of Exile’s head bouncing off the floor. That was followed by the sound of Goldeneyed taking a mouthful of curry powder arrow and teleporting off to drink Niagra Falls. Hence it was Trickshot who finally opened the door of the Lair Mansion and said, “Well, hello there, Dancer. So you couldn’t keep away any longer, huh?” “Hiya, Tricky,” Shep smiled back at him. “Nice to see the old traditional chat up lines still being kept alive despite them never having worked in the history of humankind. Are Troia and Ziles ready?” The irritating archer looked puzzled. “Huh? Who?” he asked. “I don’t like this place,” Whitney admitted as she dragged her trunk to the end of her bed. There were twelve girls in each dormitory, and Ziles and Whitney were at opposite ends of the same room in Torment House. “It gives me the creeps. I wish my grandmother hadn’t sent me here.” “I didn’t like the way those girls looked at me,” Ziles agreed. “I don’t think I’m going to be very happy here.” “That,” Rosetta McArgle agreed, appearing with half a dozen of the senior girls in the doorway of the dorm, “is a very accurate prophesy.” “There’s no point me unpacking,” Gwendolyn Lyons shrugged. “I’m not going to be here long enough to need a change of clothes.” “You’re going to try an escape?” Christine noted. “Have you seen the height of those glass-shard-topped walls? And we’re half way up an alp. How the hell do you expect to make an escape without a proper plan?” “I’ve not no choice,” Gwen replied sullenly. “Have you seen this uniform?” “I know I haven’t been in a Finishing School before,” Troia admitted, “but does the timetable seem a bit weird to you?” “Yo has not to be going to Finishing School either,” Yo admitted. “Is normal perhaps to be having heavy weapons training straight after assembly?” “I’m not objecting to that,” conceded Troia, “and Rudiments of Espionage Tradecraft might be pretty useful as well. But tomorrow’s Intermediate Seduction and Lethal Carnal Techniques. Are all young ladies trained to do that at school?” It was a question worthy of debate. “You wanted to see me, Finny?” Dancer asked the Chairbeing of the Lair Legion. “Only I’ve got an odd question for you?” “Well, before you ask yours, let me ask mine,” the Makluan dragon suggested. He glanced across to Hatman who was sat beside his desk and then enquired, “Dancer, would you consider joining the Lair Legion?” Shep looked surprised. “Me? Why?” she asked, worrying how she would manage to squeeze being a Legionnaire in beside waitressing at the Bean and Donut Coffee Bar and helping out in the Mission and fighting for truth and justice on the mean streets of Paradopolis and keeping ManMan and Troia talking to each other. “Well, you’ve got cool powers and you really seem to care about people,” Hatty pointed out. “And, well, frankly some of us feel we need a female member in the Lair Legion. Not that this is a token thing, you understand, but…” “I prefer selecting people on their merits,” Fin Fang Foom admitted, “but even on those grounds and in spite of you being female I think you’d be a good candidate.” “We need women in the Legion to maintain the public’s support,” Hatman suggested. “And besides, since Lisa and Cheryl moved out this place has got more and more like a locker room.” “Er… what about Sorceress? And Troia? And Ziley?” Dancer enquired delicately. Foom and Hatman’s blank looks convinced Dancer that she was in a lot of trouble. “Not an auspicious start to your time here at Madame Legrasp’s,” Miss Haage told the girls in front of her desk. “I’m told that Rosetta required her arm setting back in its socket and that dear Rosetta is still in the sanatorium screaming about imaginary bugs crawling all over her.” “We were only returning their welcome,” Ziles explained innocently. “And showing them their inner selves,” added Whitney darkly. “Well I’m afraid we believe in strict discipline at this establishment,” Miss Haage warned them. “Normally it’d be the Cat-O’Nine-Tails, but since you’re new and unused to our ways I think I’ll just lock you both in solitary confinement without food and water for twenty four hours. A little time in a pitch black three-foot cube should help you control your wilfulness in future.” “Dancer, how the hell do you manage to call every time I go into the shower?” Joe Pepper wondered. “It’s a gift,” Shep answered honestly. Knifey sniggered. “Well, you’d better come in,” ManMan suggested. While he’d normally be very happy to be sitting around his apartment in his robe in the company of a stunning brunette, past experience had warned him that Dancer’s visits tended to end up with him getting shot, or worse, doing something stupid for charity. “Don’t really have time I’m afraid, Manny. I just need to ask you something about Troia.” “Who?” ManMan puzzled. “Knifey, do you know Troia?” “Erm…” the sentient knife prevaricated. “Should I?” “You know. Amazon princess. Six foot spear. Likes to stab Joe here?” “Did you, um, get hit on the head fighting evil?” ManMan asked Dancer solicitously. “Only I get a bit like this when that happens to me…” “And it happens a lot,” Knifey assured her. “Oh boy,” Shep worried. “Either the universe is very wrong or I am.” Miss Thighstrangler glared at the newcomers at her gym class. “So you want to try out for the team, do you?” “Well, she might,” Gwendolyn shrugged, gesturing at Christine, “But I just want to hurt somebody.” “Actually, I’d like to try for the team and hurt somebody,” Christine shrugged, glaring at the girl assembled in their gymslips as they strapped on their body armour. “That’s the spirit,” Miss Thighstrangler approved. Her armpit-hair was long enough to plait. “A healthy mind in a healthy body. Show me how good you are at crippling someone.” “Hi spiffy! Hi Banjooooo!” Banjooooo waved back to Dancer as she stood in the doorway of the seedy detective agency (and Sea Monkey embassy) but spiffy dropped his pizza (face down, naturally) and dived under the table. “I’m not here!” he screamed. “I won’t go back. Not yet! You can’t make me!” “I take it he’s having one of his not-wanting-to-be-mayor-or-nearly-everywhere days, then?” Dancer asked Banjoooo. “I don’t see why he makes such a fuss,” the giant sea monkey shrugged. “After all, he’s only a mayor. I’m a king, and I don’t make such a big deal out of it.” “They all want a piece of me,” said a voice under the table. “I’d settle for a piece of pizza,” Shep admitted. “And also to know where Cobra is.” Banjooooo and spiffy’s blank looks were hardly a surprise to Dancer by now. The attack came in the showers, while Yo and Troia had soap in their eyes. However, Troia’s reflexes allowed her to twist and do unpleasant things to her assailant with a shower nozzle, while Yo didn’t believe in being surprised anyway. Hence, after a wet and slippery few minutes a number of senior girls limped off in search of bandages. “I should have seen that coming,” Troia panted. “At my old school you always had to watch your back in the showers.” “Yo is thinking it is being a good thing that CrazySugarDreamchaserFoxglove was not being here for this scene,” Yo suggested. Then she frowned. “Yo is also wondering who CrazySugarDreamchaserFoxglove is, and why Yo thought of him?” “I’m just wondering what school I went to before this,” confessed Troia. . “Back so soon?” smirked Trickshot as Sarah Shepherdson reappeared at the Lair Mansion. “I thought I’d better make it quick before you thought of another pick-up line,” Dancer shrugged. “Actually. I’m looking for another Legionnaire.” There was another scuffle between Goldeneyed and Exile which was resolved when Donar sat on them. “I’m looking for the Dark Knight,” said Shep brightly, and turned round to watch the urban legend glide out of the shadows to surprise her. He wasn’t there. “Yes?” DK asked in her ear, making her jump. “Er, hi, Dark Knight,” she answered nervously. “You like mysteries, right?” And that’s all we’ve got. It’s so long since I read this story that it came out new to me, and I have no idea now what was going to happen next – except that the secret villain of the piece was a certain cowled crime czar, and the plot also involved the Order of the Observing Eye, the Amazons, Professor Xalter’s School for Gifted Youngsters, Natalia Romanza, Wilbur Parody, the New Battlers, and Woodbend Windyway. I wonder if I should just rewrite the plot sometime to include the current active female characters? Which six female characters do you think would work best (from a plot point of view) regressed to 16 or 17 and dropped without memories in the Finishing School from Hell? HH Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2005 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2005 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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