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Post By The Hooded Hood adds in another chapter to UT#269 to go with Vizh's picture Mon Apr 24, 2006 at 12:47:03 am EDT |
Subject True Confessions of Sea Monkey Sex, and other revelations Originally Is it too late to add a candidate for the Juniors? |
In Reply To Visionary Sun Apr 23, 2006 at 07:14:44 pm EDT |
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| True Confessions of Sea Monkey Sex, and other revelations Uuuuukulele, Princess of the Sea Monkeys  “Excuse me for a second,” said Banjoooo, King of the Sea Monkeys. He leaned away from the dinner table and vomited over the floor of the Badripoor grand Dining Chamber. “I didn’t think my home-made pizza was that bad,” Beverly Campbell said in a hurt tone of voice. “I made it just like mom used to make it. I’d ring her up and check except for that whole her and pa pretending I was never born thing.” “Your pizza seems fine to me,” spiffy announced, helping himself to the last slice. There weren’t many privileges came with being the supreme ruler of a rogue Pacific rim nation state – at least not when he ruled it – but scarfing the last piece of pie was one of the very few. “Perhaps your parents will be more well disposed to you again now that the mutate suppression wave has denied you your powers?” suggested the Idiom. The four of them were sitting at one corner of the 164-place dining table in a gilt-covered room roughly the size of a baseball field. In the candlelight you could hardly see the scorch marks. “It just means I get the worst of both worlds,” complained Bev. “Sucky parents and no superpowers. I was just getting into the whole fighting for truth and justice thing and then…” “It wasn’t my fault,” spiffy cut in hastily. “Really. I heard it was Visionary’s fault.” “Yes, I’m fine, thank you,” Banjooo cut in, sitting upright and wiping his face with a napkin. “Thanks for asking.” “I assumed you were just allergic to pineapple,” Leticia Gahagan shrugged. “Or maybe you’ve got weed-control strain from growing all those seaweeds that are choking up the American warships outside the bay?” “Yes,” agreed Banjooo quickly. “Yes, that’s it. That’s the reason. Yes.” “That’s not the reason?” spiffy detected. He looked across at his old friend. “What’s really wrong?” “Nothing.” “What is it?” “Nothing. I’m fine.” “Apart from the projectile vomiting.” “That’s perfectly natural for a sea monkey.” spiffy frowned. “I’ve never seen a sea monkey vomit before. Except that one time that Starseed made guacamole.” Banjoooo shuddered reminiscently. “Look, the thing is… And I’ve been trying to find the right time to tell you this…” “Yes?” “You won’t freak?” “Past experience suggests a fifty-fifty chance.” “It’s morning sickness, okay. I’m going to be a father.” Bev glanced over at the Idiom. “Psychosomatic pregnancy symptoms?” she asked. “Hey, so you and Elyse…” spiffy worked out. “Congratulations, Banjster!” “It’s not psychosomatic,” the King of the Sea Monkeys frowned. “It’s… well never mind. Sea Monkey reproductive cycles are very embarrassing. And private.” “Why else would we want to know about them?” asked Leticia. “Really, you can’t just tell us you’re spawning and leave it at that,” agreed Bev. “How’s the mother? When’s the date? Is it a boy or a girl?” “Or are you pregnant?” speculated spiffy with a big grin. “That’s it, isn’t it? Sea monkey fathers have the children. Elyse has knocked you up!” “It’s not like that!” shouted Banjooo, flushing a deeper greeny-pink. “Like I said, it’s complicated.” “And a cross-species mating is more complicated still, I guess,” noted Bev. “No, not really,” Banjooo sighed. “All our mating is cross-species. Sea monkeys aren’t fertile with other sea-monkeys. We were artificially created by the Abhumans as soldiers for their ancient war with the Deviates, and we weren’t meant to be a viable species on our own. Then the Abhumans got themselves locked in stasis in that Negativity bubble, so we had to make our own arrangements.” “Such as dating humans,” suggested spiffy. “Mostly, yes,” conceded Banjoooo with dignity. “They have some of the genetic codes that we need to spawn a viable next generation of sea monkeys.” He gestured to himself. “Only the ruler is fertile, of course. That’s how we know who the King is. That and the amazing super-powers.” “Or Queen,” the Idiom added. “There was that special feature on that exiled Princess of the Sea Monkeys, Uuuukulele?” “We don’t talk about her,” snapped Banjoooo. “She’s exiled.” “What did she do?” asked Bev, intrigued. “We don’t talk about that either. But when she popped up again I knew she must have sensed that Elyse and I were reaching the culmination of our courtship cycle. She’ll be wanting to take over when I’m gone.” “Gone?” spiffy stopped being amused and started looking worried. “What do you mean, gone?” “Oh, very well,” sighed Banjoooo. “A quick summary of the life cycle of the sea monkeys. But if I hear any snickering…” “I promise we’ll only laugh at you behind your back,” said the Idiom. “Go on.” Banjoooo rubbed the tines of the bone-ridge crown that grew out of his forehead. “Well, when the time is right, the King of the Sea Monkeys goes on this quest,” he began. “Or the Queen,” prompted Leticia. “Or Queen,” conceded Banjoooo, “except we don’t have one, just a jumped up pretender, alright? So the King goes on a quest to find a suitable mate.” “Are there dating agencies that cover that kind of thing?” wondered Bev. “Then come the twelve tasks,” the sea monkey continued, “They’re different each time, but the King instinctively knows what they are and has to fulfil them.” “What if he doesn’t?” wondered spiffy. “What if he fails? Or even dies?” “Then a genetic trigger brings forward another ruler to try again, from one of the unhatched eggs left in the repository,” explained Banjooo. “Anyway, these tasks are designed to bring the King and his chosen true love closer together. And then, when they love each other very much…” “Does this involve cabbage patches?” asked Bev. “No,” Banjooo told her scornfully. “Of course not. That’s silly.” “Does the human woman bear eggs then?” the Idiom asked with some distaste. “No,” answered Banjoooo emphatically. “It’s just… well…” Everybody leaned forward. “Yes?” asked spiffy. “Alright, dammit!” exploded the sea monkey. “They come in the post, okay? Nobody knows how, but we receive these little packets you have to mix together, and the next generation of sea monkeys forms from them.” “Wow,” spiffy admired. “You’re right. That was stupid!” “I hate my origin,” muttered the giant brine shrimp. “And then you get morning sickness,” Bev concluded. “Not so much,” Banjoooo told them. “The thing is, as the eggs grow and move towards hatching the side-effects of the King mating with a human woman become more pronounced.” “Side effects?” spiffy prompted. Banjoooo threw up his hands. “I’m becoming human!” he explained. “I’m doing my best not to, but over the next few months I’ll stop being King of the Sea Monkeys at all and become one of you boring homo sapiens.” He shrugged resignedly. “It’s the only way I can really be with Elyse, so I guess it’s worth it. And one of my sons will be spawned as the new King.” The Idiom persisted with her interrogation. “And where does Uuuukulele come into this?” “She doesn’t,” Banjoooo said firmly. “She was a mistake. A genetic glitch. That’s all.” “What do you mean?” asked Bev. Banjoooo snorted. “spiff, you remember that time we were all supposed to be dead, until the Hooded Hood switched things round and Lisa pulled us back? Years ago now.” spiffy shuddered. “Actually no,” he admitted, “given that I was dead at the time and trapped in Hell, Nebraska.” Bev shook her head. “We never used to have these kinds of conversations back home,” she observed. “If pa was here now we’d see his head explode.” “I can have him shipped in,” spiffy offered. “Point is,” went on Banjoooo, “that the LL deaths got retconned to have never happened, but somehow the genetic trigger that set off my successor was wrongly, um, triggered. And that’s why Uuuukulele came about. But instead of taking her place as a menial retainer because she was just an accident and definitely not needed in any way whatsoever, she has to get all political and stuff. So I banished her.” “And what happens when you’re mortal?” asked Leticia, “When you’re no longer the Sea Monkey King? What stops her from being the next ruler?” “My son the King,” answered Banjoooo fiercely. “In, kind of, sixteen to twenty years time. I’m thinking of calling him Trombooon. Meanwhile, we have a problem.” “I’d say you do,” agreed the Idiom. “It’s just a good thing Princess Uuuukulele is a long way off from here. *** Across Badripoor bay on the carrier USS Jarvis, Princess Uuuukulele looked out over the choking mass of weed at the city sprawled out around the bay. “Well?” asked Harmanda Barriere, “can you shift it?” “Of course I could shift it,” the petite amphibian replied petulantly. “I happen to be Princess of the Sea Monkeys, you know! But just because I can doesn’t mean I will.” “Your highness, the Unites States has been very supportive of you and your cause,” the large black woman who was head of the Special Protocols Against Metahumans pointed out. “We gave you diplomatic status, political refuge, a base to prepare your case to oust Banjoooo and bring the Sea Monkey nation into alignment with US interests. Don’t stiff us now.” “I don’t really like this stuff you’re doing with Patriot Brands.” “None of us like it, princess. We just do it, because that’s what’s needed to get the job done. Do you have what’s needed to get the job done?” “Of course I do,” Uuuukulele answered haughtily. “Er, what is the job?” “Clear us a pathway through that weed crap,” General Rott urged. “All we need is to be able to get one nuclear sub through that stuff, under the force-field that Idiom woman has put up around the city. Then it’s game over for the mad tyrant spiffy and his gang of butchers.” The princess of the sea monkeys considered this. “Okay,” she agreed eventually. “But afterwards you give me an embassy, right? A nice one.” “Of course,” Barriere agreed. “Top of the range. Now can you get us in there and deal with Banjooo if he causes trouble?” “Of course I can,” promised Uuuukulele. “He’s yesterday’s sea monkey.” She dived into the water and began to make good her oath. Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2006 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2006 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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