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Extract Twelve, from Asil’s Diary: In which that big cow tries her usual cowishness and Asil gets a surname Monday, 06-Sep-1999 18:24:52
Extract Twelve, from Asil’s Diary In which that big cow tries her usual cowishness and Asil gets a surname This is Asil’s diary, which is written by Asil. I have decided to do a diary because that is what people do, and I am trying to become a person. Once I wasn’t a person, I was a piece of dandruff off that big doody-head Lisa’s head, and that big cow Dr Moo cloned it in me to go and recover the great man Visionary from his long trek of thinking deep and weighty thoughts in the corn. Which I did. Now I have a job and a life and so I think I should have a diary. So here it is. At the moment I am travelling with Sir Mumphrey Wilton, who is the second greatest man in the world. He is trying to solve a big mystery about this strange device that Baron Zemo wants, but as a favour to an old friend he came to Egypt to return a very old sacred object called the Star of Anushla. That would have been complicated enough with just the cultists and the high priest’s mummy coming after us, but in the Luxor Hilton we met two people who were pretending to be a honeymooning couple. But they weren’t. It was really the diabolical Dr Moo and her toyboy that alien called Pierson’s Porter. They are not really married, which makes Moo a huge slut. I am not exactly sure why, but I know you should not go on honeymoon unless you have got married first. They were not dressed in superhero clothes, they were pretending to be people. Sir Mumphrey did not recognise Moo as the villainous scheming mad scientist she is even though he used his temporal pocketwatch to stop her once before in London. She had her cow-mask on then. Now he thought they were a nice young couple. Sir Mumphrey always thinks the best of people at first. He is so naive. I first realised it was the big cow moo when I saw them at dinner with us. I was going to say something to warn Sir Mumphrey when Moo told me not to. She was very clever and made it sound like it wasn’t an order, just a bit of conversation, but she knew that when she made me and programmed me with imperatives like find the wonderful Visionary she also put in one that made me obey her absolutely. That meant that even though I wanted to tell Sir Mumphrey and warn him I was not able to. It was terrible. I went to bed early that evening. Sir Mumphrey thought is might be all the travel and was very nice about it. He is almost as kind as Visionary is, although nobody could be quite as kind as Visionary. I know that I have this imperative to think Visionary is wonderful, but what nobody realises is that I don’t need it because he really is wonderful. Sir Mumphrey is wonderful too but in a sort of old, wrinkly, whiskery way. He is sometimes a bit sad when he does not think anyone is looking at him. Visionary is not yet Sir Visionary but he should be. I will ask Sir Mumphrey who I should write to see about this. I thought about what to do about Moo. I know that Baron Zemo has put out a huge reward for the plans that Sir Mumphrey owns, and she would just be waiting for a chance to get Sir Mumphrey and make him give her the secret. She does not know about Sir Mumphrey’s magic pocketwatch which can do things to time. Only I know, because Sir Mumphrey trusts me. But I was really frightened because I knew if Moo commanded me to tell her all about Mumphrey I would not be able to not tell her about the chronometer. I thought she would probably come to my room to make me talk, so I crept out onto the balcony and climbed across to the next room. There was a man in the next room who was surprised to see me. He kept telling me that it must be his lucky day. I don’t know why. It didn’t seem very lucky for him because he jumped at me and I had to hit him on the nose. Then I went to see if I could telephone Visionary for help, but when I got to the phone I realised it would be very late over in the United States and a great man like Visionary needs his sleep so he can think his deep thoughts. So I decided to ring up doody-head Lisa, because she doesn’t need to think anyway, although I suppose she might needs lots of beauty sleep. But all I got was an automated message saying “The Lair Mansion is either being attacked by giant Space Robots just now or we have gone for pizza. Please leave a message after the beep and we will get back to you, Tee-hee!” So in the end I hid in a cupboard all night with my fingers in my ears. In the morning I made sure I was close to Sir Mumphrey when I went down to breakfast. I wanted to be there when that big cow and Pierson’s Porter made their move, so I could help Sir Mumphrey. The strange thing was that a ransom note arrived saying that if Sir Mumphrey ever wanted to see me alive again he should give the Star of Anushla to the cultists. This was strange because I had not been kidnapped. I checked. I was worried for a while that it might be another one of those horrid Asil clones who were chasing Visionary around a little while ago, but it turned out to be alright. Dr Moo had come to my room last night to make me join her in a plot against Sir Mumphrey, and the Mummy that had come to capture me thought that I was her, which is kind of insulting because I am not a top-heavy blonde megalomaniac. So the cultists carried Moo off to their desert stronghold and waited for the ransom to be paid. Pierson’s Porter was very cross. He and Sir Mumphrey went off to rescue Moo and I still was not able to warn Sir Mumphrey about them being villains. I said I didn’t want to go along. Sir Mumphrey thought I was a bit afraid and he was very nice about it. But I was not afraid. I had a Plan. I changed my age (which is my only super-power) to look as old as Lisa, and I had bought some cheap leather underwear so that I looked just like the big doody. With Moo out of the way for a while I was able to climb into her honeymoon suite through the French windows. I knew just what I was looking for, and sure enough there she was: Davidowicz, Moo’s genetically-enhanced pet companion. A big lab rat. I managed to catch Davidowicz by surprise and got her into a wire cage before she could do anything. So far so good. I told Davidowicz to talk (Davidowicz can talk, otherwise that would have been silly). I reminded her about Lisa’s indestructible ginger cat, and threatened to let it have Davidowicz. I made her tell me about the imperatives that Moo had put on Asil, and I wrote down the verbal codes which would remove the obedience imperative and some other nasty ones I hadn’t known about, like the killing Lisa directive and the exploding directive. I also got the code to get rid of the changing directives by voice code directive. Then I hid Davidowicz. away and I bought a really big box. Sir Mumphrey rescued Moo of course. He is very good at rescuing people, almost as good as Visionary. When Moo got back to her hotel suite she found Davidowicz gone, and a note supposedly from Lisa telling her to come to Asil’s bedroom. When she came I pretended to be Lisa. It was not hard. I just used lots of lawyer words and was horrible and bitchy. I told Moo that Asil was locked and tied up inside the big box (but it was empty) and that if Moo ever wanted to see Davidowicz un-catted again Moo had better give the following verbal commands to Asil. “You realise I will kill you for this, sister,” Dr Moo answered. But I pretended not to be frightened and I made her say the codewords to get rid of the nasty imperatives. She asked should she get rid of the one that makes Asil dote on “that idiot Visionary,” and I was so cross I told the big cow how great a man Visionary really is. Moo’s eyes went very wide. “You are Asil!” she gasped. But by then it was too late because I had got free of her imperatives and I told her that she was a bad woman and said some other rude things to her. I did not make her take away the Visionary imperative. He is a good man and it is fitting that I should think so, I do not even need an imperative to know that he is great. As I suspected, Moo and Pierson’s Porter were plotting to betray Mumphrey even though he had saved Moo. I made them leave Egypt before I would tell them where I had posted Davidowicz off to. I do not think Dr Moo likes me very much. I saved Sir Mumphrey. I cannot tell him because Moo’s command that I don’t say anything to him about all of this still stands, but he does not need to know anyway. So I am very proud that I have stopped being Moo’s puppet and have rescued somebody great. I have decided that I now deserve a surname, like people do. Sir Mumphrey always looks embarrassed when he has to introduce me as “his amanuensis Asil Harrumphpardon.” I considered calling myself Asil Visionary, but Visionary said not to. I suppose I do not deserve that great a name. I wondered if I should be Asil Dance, because the doody-head is Lisa Waltz, but naming myself after her sucks so hard it blows. But in the end Visionary suggested 'Aisling', which is pronounced 'Ash-ling' and means 'vision/dream' in Irish as well. In addition, 'Ashling' seems to suggest being born of ashes and dandruff is kind of like scalp ashes, isn't it? So I am going to be Asil Ashling, which is a modern spelling of the old Irish word, and that is what you should call me. Asil Ashling. The person. This is her diary. Mumph... that is, writing Asil... or it's HH... oh, take your pick |
| Extract Twelve, from Asil’s Diary: In which that big cow tries her usual cowishness and Asil gets a surname (Mumph... that is, writing Asil... or it's HH... oh, take your pick) (06-Sep-1999 18:24:52) |
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