Baron Zemo's Lair. - <font face="arial,helvetica" color="blue">The Journal of Sir Mumphrey Wilton, Extract Fourteen: In which something wicked this way comes</i></font>

Baron Zemo's Lair

The Journal of Sir Mumphrey Wilton, Extract Fourteen: In which something wicked this way comes
Monday, 20-Sep-1999 17:34:41
203.29.113.3 writes:

The Journal of Sir Mumphrey Wilton, Extract Fourteen
In which something wicked this way comes

There are all kinds of evil. Met a chap once back in the Boer business who took great pleasure in spitting kaffir children. He smelled of evil, sweated it from every pore. Shot him like a dog. Never regretted biffing that nasty little housepainter on the nose in a German bierkellar back in the ‘20’s, but felt dirty just having touched him. I’ll never forget that special taste of suave, seductive malice from my pocketwatch’s former owner either. Yes, there are all kinds of evil. And the chap who appeared before us out of the shadows in Banjooooo and spiffy’s detective agency reeked of a deep, subtle menace which clung to him like a dark mantle. He called himself the Hooded Hood.
Asked him what the deuce he meant, bursting in there like that on a private conversation. Young spiffy tried to tell me to watch what I said, seemed a bit worried about the chappie who I gather he’d met before; but it doesn’t do to kowtow to these villains. Gives them ideas above their station. Better to look the ungodly in the eye and let them know that they’re baddies and will therefore lose in the end.
“I have some information which I thought might be of use to you,” this hooded chappie said – well, intoned somehow. Had the knack of making anything he said sound like it was the Gettysburgh Address (but old Honest Abe had more than a gift with prose, which is why this fellow wasn’t fit to lick his boots). “I am aware of your investigations into the Sempiternus Singlarum, and of your attempts to construct such a phenomenon using the primitive technologies of this world…”
“Are you another of the blasted minions of that Baron Zemo bounder?” I demanded.
Those green eyes narrowed dangerously. “Um, the Hooded Hood doesn’t work for Zemo,” Banjooooo explained hurriedly. “He’s more the, the leader of the opposition.”
Couldn’t see how one baddie could be any better than another, but told this Hood that if he had something to say he’d better spit it out so we could remove it in a plain paper wrapper. Hood said he could do better than that and gestured. Big fancy mirror shimmered out of nowhere and filled the entire wall of the little office. Good trick. Never work out how he’d get that up his sleeve. Said so.
Asil whispered to me that this was a thingie called the Portal of Pretentiousness. Apparently a device for looking at and even travelling to other times and alternate realities. Surreptitiously checked pocketwatch to get some readings on it. Absolutely colossal temporal signature. Logged it in case ever needed to cause feedback loop or something.
“Behold!” the Hooded Hood declaimed, and his mirror showed us rather pleasant American small town, picket fences, all very jolly. Reminded me of that film about the chap who has a bank which goes wrong and he gets this angel who shows him how things would have been without him and all that. Excellent film. Sound chap. Saw in mirror some fellow walking down street carrying briefcase towards little house.
“Dad!” breathed young spiffy. He showed the photographs he and Asil had retrieved from his personal belongings. Fellow we were viewing was definitely Leonard Hopkins. Then shadow fell on the chap from very large muscle-man wearing skull and crossbones on chest. Hopkins ran – understandable really, as assailant was a good three feet taller and built like a battleship.
“What’s going on?” spiffy demanded, forgetting his awe of the Hood in his horror at what he was seeing.
“Leonard Hopkins came into the possession of a very interesting but damaged object,” the Hooded Hood replied. “He didn’t understand it but he was able to copy it’s design, which he then patented in the hopes of making his fortune. But because he didn’t fully trust the scientific world not to steal his invention, he kept one component back and never documented it. Kept it on a chain around his neck. That’s what the Bone has been sent to retrieve.”
Banjooooo pointed out that the Bone was the swine who the Lynchpin had revealed to be the murderer of Leonard Hopkins. And it seemed we were seeing the whole thing again on this glimmering Portal of Pretentiousness. Horrified neighbours and passers-by watched helplessly as the adamantium-bones assassin slowly and thoroughly destroyed a man. Suggested spiffy didn’t look, but the young feller pulled away from me and gazed on the event with an expression I’d not seen him wear before; and I wouldn’t have wanted to get between him and the Bone just then.
Sound wasn’t as good as picture on that mirror, but we all heard the Bone stand up after pulling Leonard Hopkins’ head off to gain the little silver disc from the neckchain he wore and say, “When they ask, it was a freak skateboard accident, right? I know where you live.”
Mirror went back to swirling clouds. Shocked silence broken by the voice of the Hooded Hood pointing out that without the plans the disc was useless, and that without the disc the thing the plans built wouldn’t work. Asil speculated that whoever hired the Bone would now have the disc. Banjoooo pointed out that if we could track down the Bone we could learn who had hired him. spiffy indicated that when the Bone was tracked down the Bone was a dead man. Even his fern looked angry. Not previously seen an angry fern.
All very interesting stuff, but evident to me that we were being strung along by this Hooded Hood chap. He was playing with our emotions, leading us by the nose for his own purposes, feeding us titbits of information to make us react like lab rats. Therefore demanded to know what he had to do with all of this. Was pleased to note by scowl that he was unhappy his diversions weren’t going according to plan.
Seeing previous ploy wasn’t working, the Hood explained that he had a use for the Sempiternus Singlarum, and had therefore set out to uncover a way of gaining it. Had leaked information to Zemo through devious routes (suspect chap couldn’t use non-devious routes to save his life) so that the Baron’s organisation would do the donkey-work in flushing out the missing patent etc. Was willing to guide us to recover missing silver disc component if we would hand over finished device to him.
Asked him why the devil he thought we should do any such thing, given as he was a pond-crawling reprobate with no more right to live on God’s clean earth than a weasel? He said we would co-operate because he could lead spiffy and his friend Banjooooo to the Bone to gain revenge (and it must be said the young fern-lad looked more than willing to bargain with the devil to do it), and because he would refrain from ensuring that Asil (who, as you may recall, is cloned from Lisa’s dandruff) would not become genetically unstable in the next few weeks, and because…
Well, the Portal of Pretentiousness shimmered again, and the mists parted to show me Madge, Madge as she was when I had first met her. And he offered to bring her through the Portal to be with me, to live with me again as my wife, my beloved. He offered me my heart’s desire if I would turn that mysterious gadget over to him.
And Asil looked at me with wide, frightened eyes unsure what I was going to do.
Well, there was only one thing to do.
Caught the Hooded Hood on the jaw with a right uppercut that sent him spinning off his heels.
Well, what else could I do? I wouldn’t be worthy of Madge if I got her back like that, would I? And besides, a young beautiful gel like that wouldn’t want this old ruin I’ve become now. One lifetime with her was too short, but that’s all anybody really has. Madge would have told me to thump the bastard. Quod erat demonstrandum.
“You will regret that,” hissed the villain, rising to his feet, his green eyes glowing wrathfully. “Feel now the power of the Hood!” And he rippled his ret-conning wave straight towards me.
Actually felt the old temporal chronometer growing warm in my waistcoat pocket. Obviously it has to fix it’s owner in one time/space continuum or all those time-twisting functions don’t work. Sort of the opposite of the Hooded Hood’s power when you think about it, ‘cause he shifts people from reality-strand to reality strand from what I can gather. Anyway, he couldn’t do it to me; at least not quickly enough.
Therefore bopped the blighter again. Always the best way with this evil buggers.
The Hooded Hood vanished with his Portal. Imagine he’s gone to try and work out how I resisted his power. Possibly to apply an ice pack to his chin.
“You… you just…” Banjooooo gasped. Pointed out to him that fellow had had it coming. Don’t like people playing nasty games with my feelings about Madge. Tends to make me see red, don’t you know.
Asil seemed very impressed. “I knew you could do it!” she clapped, jumping up and down (spiffy blushed again). “That is,” she added rather more honestly, “I… I hoped you would.” Poor child had really been worried that I might join up with the bounder. Assured her that one was not likely to side with the ungodly no matter how big the bribe. Still felt a bit of a twinge though, seeing Madge like that. Wish I’d punched the rotter a bit harder.
All agreed that there were two courses of action to take now. Banjooooo and spiffy very keen to track down this semi-retried assassin who killed Hopkins snr. Other clue from spiffy’s parents’ effects was title deed to small plot of land in Arizona desert, so Asil and I are to pop over there and have a look at it. Since Banjoooo and spiffy are worried about our personal safety given number of major villains now out to get Asil and self they have arranged a couple of bodyguards to keep us safe on the journey. Probably unnecessary but seemed to comfort them. Meeting with chaps called ManMan and Exile day after tomorrow for trip to Death Valley.
Having bit of trouble getting to sleep tonight, but am taking comfort from thought that wherever he is the Hooded Hood is probably in some discomfort also.

Mumph vs the Hooded Hood; place your bets now