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The Journal of Sir Mumphrey Wilton, Extract Twenty-Two: In which Sir Mumphrey discovers the fascinating world of computers and Zemo makes a critical user error Thursday, 02-Dec-1999 13:52:24
The Journal of Sir Mumphrey Wilton, Extract Twenty-Two In which Sir Mumphrey discovers the fascinating world of computers and Zemo makes a critical user error Most extraordinary thing! The mansion where that superhero team the Lair Legion meets turns out to be the same place that our of League of Improbable Gentlemen got together well over a century ago. What are the odds? Brought back some memories, I can tell you – old Hastings Vernal hunched by the fire reading some book in a language no-one’d ever heard of, Dr Hakenfakir conducting to the music in his head, old Quimby pottering in the corner having dismantled something, and the Colonel snoring in the big old arm chair with the Times spread over his face. And then young Miss Darkness would breeze in and get us all into the most impossible mess with blood and guts and things exploding, then back to the club for tea. Those were the days. Wonder if the old place is still haunted? Anyway, the mansion’s all different now, with computers and everything. That was why I was there, of course. I’d brought the encrypted data which Asil and I had retrieved from the villainous Peter von Doom’s secret base, and which I’d newly discovered linked him to some nasty chappie from an alternate reality, a bloke by the name of Thugos, Tyrant of the Sol Empire. I was here to ask the computery-types to have a look at the stuff and see if it had anything to say about the Sempiternus Singularum, a strange alien gadget that was being reconstructed by young Bautista down in the Philippines even as I wandered the old corridors. Was feeling a bit lost without young Asil (who had gone down to meet Bautista with the final vital bit of the gadget) when I was met by a very nice lady called Cheryl, who was apparently the Duchess of Lake Superior and the Goddess of HTML. No idea where HTML is (not up on all the names of the old African colonies) but her Grace very kindly led me into an office where another two ladies were waiting to help out. One was a very jolly young thing who apparently knew her way around a computer. She was the Lair Legion’s administrator, Troia. The other was an older lady of generous proportions called Ms Hastings, who was apparently bodyguarding Troia (who turned out to be an Amazon princess!). Ms Hastings seemed to expect me to recognise her from somewhere, and I had to apologise for not placing her. Perhaps at one of the Palace garden parties? Anyway, Cheryl asked Troia to see if HALLIE was at home. Her highness therefore pulled a wooden ruler from a drawer and carefully used it to push the “on” button of her desk computer (which was labelled as an NTU-Mac). Everybody seemed to relax as it came on, and Cheryl enquired of the screen if HALLIE was in residence. Another extraordinary thing. Seems that HALLIE is a sort of computer programme that lives part-time in the Lair Legion computers. She’s also another very charming young gal (seemed to be the day for them), and well capable of decoding von Doom’s files. “It’ll take me about twenty minutes” she told me. I thanked her profusely for her trouble. Wonder if computer programmes appreciate boxes of chocolates? We chatted for a while and I made everyone a cup of tea while we were waiting. Helped me to sort out the who’s who of it all. Her Grace Cheryl is actually Mrs Visionary, the same Cheryl that Asil talks about so much! Complimented her on having such a great and wise husband. Patted her on the back as she choked on her tea. Ms Hastings is the mother of young CrazySugarFreakBoy! Congratulated her on having such a lively young shaver, which seemed to please her greatly. She has given me tickets to some sort of thespian performance she’s doing at a theatre called the Deja-Vu Review Bar next week. Believe she said thespian. Biggest shock however was her highness the princess Troia, who turns out to be none other than the daughter of that vile bounder the Hooded Hood. Commiserated with the girl. She deserves better. Suggested that it wouldn’t matter and that a likely young lad would be more than happy to snatch her up what with her typing seventy words a minute and all that. Young fellows always looking for shorthand in a gal. Ms Hastings suggested other qualities which the lass had, which as a gentleman I was forced to disregard. I am not an expert on contemporary foundation garments in any case. While we were chatting the phone rang and Troia picked it up. “Hello, the Lair Legion are off saving the planet just now, or else in court on that exploding kebab shop thing, or possibly at the supermarket, but I can take message as long as it’s not too complic…” There was a loud squawk from the telephone and everything went absolutely fuzzy, like when a television isn’t tuned in. Next we know we’re in this sort of video game effect, with neon lines forming shapes and corridors and things. And along with the Duchess, Troia, Ms Hastings and myself is a fourth young woman who identified herself as HALLIE. We later learned about Baron Zemo’s latest weapon, a sentient computer virus named HELLIE, which the dastard had just sent down the telephone to suck us all into its virtual reality. HALLIE was particularly miffed, as she said this was really her trick and Zemo was infringing on her trademark. A booming robotic voice from above announced that we were in the Deletion Maze, and that we would stumble around dying by the traps programmed into it or be rent asunder by the Tapeworms. Neither option sounded pleasant. Noticed that all the ladies were dressed differently. HALLIE explained that it was how each of us perceived ourselves. Hence I was in the usual waistcoat and tweeds. Troia was in a neat little white Amazon tunic, and sporting a six-foot spear. HALLIE had a sort of silvery jump suit on. Was a little surprised to see Cheryl in a tight sort of superhero cat costume. Was remarkably surprised to see Ms Hastings. Offered her my jacket. Ms Hastings preferred to take my arm, she said. She noticed what I hadn’t, that here I appeared to be about twenty-six again, in peak condition and fighting fit. Not surprising. I was twenty-six for the better part of a century, after all, and I suppose even now I rarely feel my age. Felt good to be twenty-six again. One can do anything at twenty-six. HALLIE suggested that since the decryption programme was running when the HELLIE virus attacked, if we could find the decoded version of von Doom’s files we could end the simulation and escape the trap. Seemed like a reasonable plan to me, so off we trotted. Nasty things, those Tapeworms. Turned out to be sort of computer-generated giant serpents. Got nasty shock when I attempted to timestop them and found that we were all part of the same computer programme – nearly erased us all. Fortunately Troia killed first one with her spear and we ran. Damn near ran into pit trap, but saved by the rather limber Ms Hastings, who said that straddling things was her speciality. Next trap tried to squash us but was prevented by Troia’s spear. One after that spilled some sort of corrosive material upon us but was recognised in time by Cheryl. Managed to work out safe way through maze largely thanks to Cheryl, who is apparently an engineer as well as being the Lair Legion’s public relations officer, the Duchess of Lake Superior, and the goddess of HTML. My contribution was pretty simple when I finally thought about it. Programmed the pocketwatch to speed up the decoding programme. Instead of twenty minutes it took about two. As it was completed in the real world we found the hidden notes in the virtual maze. All we had to do then was get past the Tapeworms. Also used pocketwatch for that – swung it by the chain and hit the buggers over the head with it. Had no choice – they were menacing the ladies. Troia leaped upon the notes, and we were back in the real world. All except HALLIE, of course. She was still on that computer screen. “Right, you little upstart,” she said to something internal to the system, “Let’s see how good you are software to software!” Then the monitor exploded. Found out later that HALLIE had completely expunged the intruder. She also obligingly printed out the von Doom notes for me and faxed a copy over to Asil. Splendid lass, if entirely virtual. Took my leave of the fair ladies of the Lair Legion with the real explanation to what was going on in my briefcase (also left tub of iced-cream as sign of regard for the talented Ms Waltz, as am advised that she prefers frozen confections to roses etc.). Will fly out to Bautista Enterprises tomorrow, and then, hopefully, the final solution to the mystery of exactly what Thugos wanted with the Sempiternus Singularum. Can’t wait for it. Mumphrey presents one of his favourite chapters, and the last nice one. |
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